Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Oh Why Has Africa Foresaken Me?

My little blog has been getting some visitors lately. Places like the Americas and Europe and a really odd spot called Oceanus. But no one from Africa has stopped by to read or comment or laugh or cry with me. I don't understand. If anyone should have African traffic it is me. Why I am a true friend of the black man. I even earned the nickname "chocolate on the inside."

Oh, elaborate on the whole chocolate thing? OK. For you, anything you ask. You see, I have left little tidbits around and dropped hints about the fabulous childhood that I had. And by fabulous, I mean truly awful and psychotic. At one point in time (and not the only time this happened), I lived in a campground in Kissimmee, Florida. This was one of the four places I resided when I was attending the first grade. While staying at the white trash Ritz Carlton, I was required to attend school. In my first grade class, I was the only "white" student. We had African-Americans, Mexican-Americans, Cuban-Americans, some not so Americans, but everyone looked different from me. I used to go home in tears because I didn't know how to double-dutch and I couldn't twist my hair up and get it to stay in those neat little colored plastic barrettes. But slowly I started to make friends. It helped that I had an odd name and that the rest of the girls in my family had even odder names than I did. To this day, if I tell people what our names are, they take an extra minute to give me another look-see and pay an inordinate amount of attention to my skin tone. I was introduced to other cultures and belief systems and I learned about really cool foods and eventually, I could double-dutch with the best of them.

Years later, when I started working at Hooters, I ended up becoming friends with the most fantastic girl who we still call Chocolate Bunny. After joking around one day about my experiences growing up and my culturally different friends, she decided that I was "chocolate on the inside." The nickname stuck and we still joke around about it to this day. But I will always be grateful for the varied places that I lived while growing up because I think that by being exposed to other cultures, I now have a greater appreciation for the differences in people as a whole. And while people often look at me and see a blond-haired, green-eyed white girl, I know that I am much more than that. I am Spanish by the nationality of my birth. I can trace some of my ancestors back to 17th century Bavaria and I am Choctaw Indian on my Maternal Grandfather's side of the family.

So why then does Africa continue to forsake me? I guess I'll have to start dropping fucks and cunts and cocksuckers in Swahili and Zulu and Xhosa and Ndebele so that those nice folks drop by and comment.

So here we go:

My bastardized Swahili swear words (I am not sure if all of these are correct)

mlingoti-mkuu = dick head

Kum-lamba = cunt licker

fanya mapenze = fuck

Uclambeshapa = I'll Fuck You Up

Basher = Ass Fucker

Una tombwa na punda = You are being fucked by a donkey

Now come visit me because I am a dirty whore in a whole new language.


Scary Monster said...

Sure they'll come by, but only to offer you a way to make some quick money or to sell you a puppy. Good thing you learned how to curse in swahili. This way you can give 'em a good sending off.

Tug said...

I SO want to learn how to say those words...if I'm camped out here for awhile some day you'll know why. ;-)

I still can't doubledutch. dammit.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Don't waste your time. I don't think they have the internets in Africa.

I guess we'll have to start calling you "White Chocolate Bunny."

ADW said...

Monster - I forgot about the dethroned prince of Ethiopia, I'll have to think of some extra special swearwords for those guys

Tug - I can double dutch, but I really want to learn how to do it on a pogo stick

Dyck - I prefer Empress of the Universe and Beyond - it is all encompassing

Anonymous said...

Uclambeshapa = My next tattoo.

Fuck me, that's awesome! The Chinese symbols and whatnot are all SO passe.

Glamourpuss said...

When I was in Tanzania I tried in vain to get my Tanzanian friends to furnish me with a vocabulary of obscenity but they were all far too God-fearing and polite to do so. I was gutted. I can swear in most languages. English is still my favourite though.


ADW said...

DangerDoll - I always try to increase my foul-mouthed repetoire

Puss - Swahili is the official language of Tanzania, so enjoy!!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

You win the gold star for the most educational blog of the day - fucked by a donkey in Swahili? I can actually use that in my day-to-day life.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Chocolate on the inside? I knew it!

Legaleagle said...

Una tombwa na punda, that is SO my new favorite phrase!

ooh, and don't forget click, click, clackity clack click. That's African click-click language for fuckity fuck fuck.

Just for you, adw, just for you.

tfg said...

Hey sista, go sista, soul sista.....

Gaz said...

I have exactly the same problem with Russia!?!? Not a single hit in 8 months og blogging and only 1 hit in South America.

I've decided its not the poeple but a lack of electricity

ADW said...

Cherry - I try to provide a service to the tens of people who read this blog

Bug - I think it might show on the outside as well

LegalEagle - thanks, I forgot how that went again

TFG - I may use that as an anthem when I walk into rooms from now on - kind of like my own hail to the chief

Gaz - thanks for stopping by (=

Lobsterclaw said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lobsterclaw said...

I first read 'double-dutch' as 'double-clutch' and spent a very confused two minutes wondering why in God's name a first-grader would need to know how to drive a manual.

(sorry for the double-post; I forgot this computer was still logged in to my never-used blogger account.)

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