Mea Culpa and Florida Here I Come!!!

First things first. It feels like I have been apologizing a lot lately, but with very good reason. I consider myself a great friend. The one that people call in the middle of the night for a ride when they are too drunk to drive home. The one that knows all of the secrets because I can be trusted to keep my mouth shut when anyone tells me something about their darkness. The one who will drop pretty much anything to rush to your aid when you call, write, e-mail, IM, send a pigeon or a smoke signal saying "help me." And lately, I have not been a good friend to any of you. I show up on your blogs sporadically, if at all. I don't comment. I don't e-mail. Days, no weeks, will go by with neither hide nor hair of me. And for most of you, it's no big deal. But for me it is. For the last year, you have been so supportive of me. You have left comments and sent e-mails. You have thought about me, prayed for me, asked for more inventive cursing lessons. Whatever. And I have neglected you. I am so sorry. I think that part of the blogger code (which has been written about extensively on other sites and needs not be repeated here) is that you comment back. And I have failed at that. I have no excuses, just apologies. And that is not enough, but they are heartfelt and sincere and I hope you can all forgive me.



This blog is not and never was intended to be a popularity contest, or something to use to garner a pantheon of readers. I created it as an outlet for myself. Somewhere that I could vent my frustrations and swear to my little heart's content. But it turned into so much more than that. It opened my eyes to the caring nature of others all over the world. I learned about creativity, compassion, humility, love and so very much more. Blogging has given me more than I could ever give back to the blogging community.



I have "met" so many kind and wonderful people and in less than a week, I will get to meet two of those people in person. Squeeee!!!!!!! I am so excited to say that I will be meeting Adam and Britt next weekend. On Saturday to be precise. I am nervous, but don't tell anyone. I am in awe of their awesomeness and I can only hope that I have more to add to the conversation than "errrr, blah, blah, blah, gaaaaaaddddd, pretty, hairy, love, blah, gurgle, snot, weep, yay!"



More than any of you will ever know, the two of them have helped me through some difficult times over the last few months and I hope that they know how very much their support has meant to me. Adam with his wit and inventive put downs and Britt with her kind heart and open mind; her understanding and her caring soul. They have nurtured me and listened to me rant and rave. They have checked in on me to make sure that I was doing OK when I was down.



And now...... well now, I get to go let loose for a little while. I am flying down to spend some time with MY family (as opposed to my husband's pack of hyenas). I also get to spend time with two of my favorite non-family members. And when I come back, it will be full throttle into a new job. A very exciting, kind fierce, new job. For a VERY large technology manufacturer. It's pretty cool. So, I will be traveling a lot for the next month and I will try to keep posting at least once a week. I will also try to come see all of you in that time. But if I don't, please know that I am thinking of you and I will check in as soon as I can.



Much Love,

ADW

Easter Blah Blah

I am sad. Again. I feel like a broken record. Some days I just feel broken. But it's Easter. And my family IS NOT here. And I miss them. A lot!!

I know that I keep saying this, but I have a shitstorm of stuff in my life right now and there is no end in sight. And it seems like every time I rise professionally (which I have and will tell you about soon!!!!!), my personal life takes another hit. Maybe it's because I am less inclined to put up with bullshit, the busier I get. Maybe it's because I am older. Maybe I am a stone hearted, razor-jawed bitch, but there it is.

So here I can say everything I want to say. And right now, the most important thing for me to say is:

I am unhappy.

Deep down, black hole, no end in sight unhappy. I should be happy. I know I should. But I am contrary that way. I never do as I should. I don't follow the rules. And I am unhappy.

I have made it well known in my life how very unhappy I am. I have asked for things to ease that ache inside and I get nothing. Well, I got to go see Wicked. Woo Hoooooo! That helped ever so much. Sarcasm? Why yes, thank you for asking.

So I am setting out to make myself happy. And if that means some major changes in my life.... well so be it. Because I can't rely on anyone else to love me the most. I am the only one who can do that. It hurts quite a bit to announce that to the world. But it also feels right saying it. I am sick of giving to everyone around me without at least getting any appreciation for the sacrifices that I make. I am tired of being the one who holds it all together because I am the only one who cares. Talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. Two often used phrases that never lose their meaning for me. I try to let the people in my life know how much they mean to me and I swear to the Almighty that maybe someone could appreciate me for once.

Or take care of ME. That would be great. Someone who actually devoted some time to seeing to my needs without ULTIMATELY trying to ensure that their needs are met at the same time. I am the definition of sacrifice. I have worked so very hard for a very long time now (over half of my life) and I have always done so for the benefit of other people. I know it sounds selfish, but the last time I checked, I was a person too. So what about me?

Oh and to all of those people out there who say that you are no longer a person when you become a mother.... You can go suck a dick! I hope you choke on it. I AM a person with needs and wants and feeling and dreams. Ha! Dreams!! I haven't believed in dreams for longer than I care to admit. Mine died a long time ago along with my childhood.

Fuck! Bitter? Table for One?

Rambling, incoherent thoughts are apparently the M.O. for the day, but I could give a fuck. My blog. My words.

On a lighter note, I am going on a trip where I get to meet some of my favoritests bloggers EVAH!! Care to take a guess?

Fuck you Ohio snow..... it'll be quite sunny very soon. Gotta love Continental direct flights.....

Random Information Day

Ooohhhh!!!

Mallorca Rocks!

Gay men love me... well so do butch lesbians.

Snow should never be an excuse for not drinking.

I love comfy couches.

Shoes are my passion.

Sports talk radio. Need I say more.

I have a mouth like a trucker.

Truckers get offended at the above line.

When I was seventeen, I was thrown from a real live wild horse. I got back on again. I got thrown again.

I have an odd sense of humor that some people don't get.

I LOVE old people.

I can't stand crappy drivers and sometimes imagine myself running them off of the road.

People who are afraid of the snow should move.

If you don't vote, don't bitch about our government. Yes it sucks and they are all evil demons in league with Satan himself, but it's all we have and it's better than the others.

Freedom of Speech is just that. If you don't like what you are seeing or hearing, then look somewhere else.

I am surprisingly conservative. Really surprisingly so. It's strange to me.

I have had strange ghostly experiences, yet I don't believe in ghosts.

I am damaged.

I told a man to suck my dick long before it was made into a famous phrase by Demi Moore.

I heart cheesy movies.

I can not watch war movies.

I hate chick flicks. Except Steel Magnolias which always makes me cry.

Random Information Day is Now Over.

ADW

Oh no, not Johnny Castle!

I was distraught to hear today that my beloved Patrick Swayze is suffering from Pancreatic cancer.

While reports say that he is in good health and the cancer is limited, Pancreatic Cancer is almost always a death sentence.

Forever, I will associate the Swayze name with Dirty Dancing, a film that my sister and I played so many times one summer that the tape eventually broke. If I come across the movie playing at any time of the day or night, I will drop everything and watch it. At the time, it was a racy, sexy film that taught us that dirty dancing was oh so good and that nobody puts Baby in a corner. But for me, the best part of the film was the music.

I am, at heart, a great lover of "oldies" music. Boy and Girl groups, rock 'n roll and every genre in between, the number one spot on my car stereo is set to Majic 105.7, a renowned Cleveland oldies station that has been around as long as I can remember. But the movie is what first introduced me to songs like "Big Girls Don't Cry", "Stay", "Be My Baby" and a host of other songs. The undeniably pop sound that originated with much of this music was what has inspired other artists over and over again and what hooked me.

Of course the cheesetastic Roadhouse is also another great. Since I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body, I fucking love watching Roadhouse. The gratuitous naked chest scenes are the best. Coming in a close second is the fact that a real-life trained dancer could ever single-handedly take down a town of bad guys, get the girl and save the bar. But it's the movies and I don't ask for much, so there you are.

Ghost wasn't my favorite since I was creeped out by the Demi Moore kissing her dead lover through Whoopie. Seriously creeped out. And the scene with the clay made my stomach turn as well. I cannot stand the thought of mud drying on my body. I wash my feet after playing sand volleyball for crying out loud. Blech.

Anyway. Hang in there Johnny Castle. I hear that in your next movie, you play a gay cheerleading instructor and I think you will do well in the role. All my best.

Your devoted fan,
ADW

I Am Having A Good Crisis

I think.

I am very confused right now and I am not certain what to do about it. There has been an unexpected occurance in my life that could turn out to be a great opportunity for me, but I was unprepared for it to come along, so now I am scrambling to play "catch up."

I still can't give out the deets, but some of you already know anyway. The upside for me is huge, but it would be a big leap for me to take and not one that I would enter into lightly.

So I keep wavering back and forth and trying to figure out what decision I will make. It doesn't help that I would end up letting some people down if I decided to make this change. People that I like and respect quite a bit.

The one thing in my life that I am happy and satisfied with is the one thing that is fucking with my head right now.

So....

I come to you, my friends, to give me some advice. Sure you don't have all of the details, but if you were in my shoes and were presented with a potential life-changing opportunity, what would you do? How would you react? Especially if you were happy with the way things were going.

If you want more information, you can e-mail me.

Love,
ADW

Being Alone

I had an interesting conversation with someone a while back. We were talking about random things and I brought up the fact that I had never been on my own. Truly. This is the basic gist of my life's living arrangements:

1. Lived with some relative or another until 17
2. Lived in college with a roommate
3. Lived with my ex-husband's Aunt and Uncle so I could stay in Ohio
4. Lived in an apartment with my grandmother
5. Lived with my ex-husband
6. Lived in a house with my grandmother
7. Moved in with my husband

Obviously, there is a little more explanation than that, but for conversational purposes, this is enough information for now.

The customer I was speaking with was a man, and he said (to paraphrase) "You are a beautiful woman, there is no reason for you to be by yourself."

Huh.

I responded by telling him that I didn't have a problem not being by myself and sometimes I actually craved alone time. I like the peace and quiet. I like not having to answer 350 questions a day. I enjoy curling up with a book and reading it the whole way through or taking a bubble bath and staying in until my skin gets all wrinkly.

Sometimes I feel like I am still trying to figure out what I like/want/need because I never had a chance to spend any amount of extended time with only myself for company. And since I am my favorite person, I find it a damn shame.

Now don't get me wrong... I wasn't offended that he said that. I do not play games with my looks. I know that I am attractive to some people, but I am by far not beautiful. I also don't act coy or embarrassed when someone compliments me on my looks. I honestly grew up an ugly duckling, so there are times that I have to stop myself from protesting when I receive compliments because I don't want to sound insincere. I have actually accepted the fact that there are people who will look at me and see my shell and not the substance inside. Once they speak with me for more than a minute, they see the real me. That is the one that makes me the most proud.

Anyway, back to the story. I wasn't offended with the content of the comment, because I know that there are a lot of people out there, both men and women who hate to be alone. Those people look at someone who (outwardly) seems to have everything that they desire and wonder why they are unhappy. What it did was make me think. And wonder. About what ifs and might have beens. Because I was that person for the longest time. I had to be in a relationship to be happy. I didn't feel complete unless I felt desired. If I was single, it wasn't very long until I jumped headfirst into another relationship.

Now I realize that one of the reasons I was that person was that I didn't want to be alone and be forced to confront the demons and pain that resided inside of me. If I kept going and kept myself and my happiness tied to someone else's needs, then there wasn't enough time in the day to worry about what my needs really were. The funny thing was that all of my friends and family saw how I was and told me about it, but I blew them off. They said that I was a super cool person until I got into a relationship and then I changed. Instead of having fun and being who I really was, I changed and devoted myself to making whoever I was with love me. And that is really the heart of the matter. Love. I had to be loved. It is a deep seated need and one that I fulfilled over and over again. It was easy to get a man to fall in love/lust/whatever with me. They look at me and see my vulnerabilities and want to protect me. I guess I look fragile. I'm not. Once, we were involved and they realized that there was steel inside, then the problems started. Since the men who fell for me often fell for the "princess needing a prince" aura, the relationship would often fall apart when they realized that I didn't really need them. Even if I did not realize it myself.

Thus began my string of romances. It wasn't a long string, but it started with my first boyfriend and has never ended. And hearts were broken on both sides. Mine, when the guy realized that I wasn't the person that he thought I was. His when I realized that I made a mistake and confused real love with my relationshipitis disease.

The crazy thing is that I still have that desire to be protected. But I want to be loved for the person that I am. My wit and intelligence, my vulnerabilities and needs, my strengths and my weaknesses. They all make up the person that I am inside. I think.

After looking back and analyzing MY life, I have some advice to the general population. I still don't know who I am or what I really want, but I am learning and I know more now than I did ten years ago. I think that if I would have had that time to live alone, I could have figured more of it out a lot sooner. I honestly think that if you have the chance, take some time to be by yourself. It will make you think about what makes you world turn more smoothly.

Of course, I could be full of shit and this is just what I think anyway, so take it for what its worth.

What do you think? Did you get time to be alone? Do you think there is a difference? Is there a side to this that I am not seeing?

Let me know.

ADW