And Everything Is Good

I am writing this post from South Eastern Georgia.  Where the weather is NOT below zero with windchill, I CAN sit outside without getting frostbite and I AM able to spend an entire day in my pajamas.  This is what I term a vacation.

I don't need to go on a trip to somewhere exotic or cram a quadrillion activities into a day so that I can see and so everything at once.  I don't have to go out every night to some bar or club that is full of douchebags and douchebaggery.  I don't feel the urge to do ANYTHING.  That to me is a vacation.  

All I have done for the last week or so is chill.  Even though 3/4th of my family is sick with something, it doesn't matter because we are not in the miserable Cleveland weather.  We are in the nirvana of the deep south.  

Life is good.

Real life begins again in T Minus 4 days.  Oh well.  Nothing this good lasts forever.

A safe and happy New Year to everyone.

Life Sucks Assholes

I honestly am super duper sick of life and all the bullshit crap storms she throws at you every time you turn your head.

I pretty much do not like most people right now and want them to stay the fuck out of my way.  I do not want to give to your charity, I do not want to sponsor this or that for you, I do not want to waste anymore time out of my day.  

Speaking of my day, I work all of the time now.  There is no shut off mode for me.  It is high stress all of the time.  No breaks, no understanding, just demands.  And no support.  Not in my professional or my personal life.  At least not where it should be.

Maybe it is the situation I am right now in my personal life, or maybe it is the fact that I had an allergic reaction driving to a meeting yesterday and overdosed on Benedryl, but I have been exceptionally bitchy lately.  And not even in a fun, ADW bitchy way.  More like a mean bitchy way which can be hurtful.

I need to get the fuck out of dodge for a while.  Unfortunately, my next get out of Dodge is scheduled for a week and a half of family time in SouthEastern Georgia over the holidays.  That might make it even worse.

We shall see.

Inhale

Exhale

Sip from the bottle

Inhale 

Exhale

Chug

Inhale

Exhale

Pass Out

Fuck it.

Over It

I Hate Everyone!!!!!

Over it.

Not Quite a Lady... Bug

I'm still pissed about missing Adam's Halloween Party.  I didn't get to lick his nipples or see Britt sing karaoke again or meet Dave2 or throw up in his bloody pool, or pee in his bushes.

Fuck

I am a little salty because the reason I didn't get to go were Dog #1 and Dog #2 and some emergency surgeries.  I now know how much love costs. Five Hundred and Eighty Fucking Five dollars.  And Ninety Pissing Six cents.

I did get to go out for halloween though.  I had to dress up before Trick or Treating because I wouldn't have had time otherwise and everyone on my street sat at the top of our cul de sac with a portable fire pit and we all handed out candy in a line.  I had a few Captain and Diets and the extreme pleasure of seeing SuperCunt's eyes bug out of her head when she got a load of my costume.  I haven't gotten all of the pictures yet, but here is one I did manage to get my hands on:

As you can all see, I was a Slutty Bug.  My husband was a hillbilly hunter, but instead of a big buck, he got a big fuck that night, so I think we're all good.

Please note the glazed look in my eyes and my attempt to cover up my ass while half-humping my scruffy half.

Of course he is smiling because I was rubbing my dots all over his banana.

But the best part of my costume was my ruffled underoos.  I totally found an adult version of the little tot drawers with the lacy ruffles on the bottom.  Mine were black with red lace and totally matched my outfit, but the effect was mah-ve-lous.

After we left the party we went to a bar where a bunch of guys my hubs went to high school with were playing and we danced and danced.  There was a four way make out which my friend Cool Girl missed because she disappeared.

At the end of the night (read - when they kicked us out of the bar), we went outside to look for Cool Girl and her car, but it was nowhere in sight.  Not where we parked it.  Fuck.  I thought her husband was going to wig.

Then I saw the car facing the opposite direction from which we parked and my girlfriend in the back seat.  There was an argument ALL weekend about whether or not she moved it.  But the best comment was when she kept saying OVER and OVER all weekend long:

"I can't believe I missed the make out session.  I can't believe it.  Why didn't you guys come get me?"

...Uh because you dis-a-twatting-peared and we couldn't find you.  We probably figured you were on stage hitting the lead singer in the ass with his own tambourine again...

I know you are going to read this fucker!!!

Gastro Pubs and Blow Jobs Again

I just got home from Chicago.  In and out in two days and I am freaking exhausted.  The trip wasn't a total waste of time because I took a training class that was actually worth something for once.  It was given by actors who help you overcome fears of public speaking and it was both unique and applicable to what I do, so bonus.

My entire group went to dinner last night at a Gastro-Pub.  Blech.  I will eat a lot of different foods, but two thirds of the menu was shellfish and I am allergic.  So I was stuck with a Scotch Egg appetizer - look it up - it's not as bad as it sounds and a salad.  It was the worst salad ever created.  It tasted like dirt and grapes.  The only redeeming thing I had was a very nice variation on a Pinot Noir, so all was not lost.  

On to the Blow Jobs.  I am not anti-BJ.  For me it is kind of like an appetizer though.  I much prefer the main course in every meal and I am a fast eater with a short attention span.  If I am going to take 5 minutes away from my quest to rule the Universe, then I want to get as much done in that amount of time that I can, so foreplay isn't high on my list.  I have shit I need to get done.... 

I admit it.  I am a two pump chump.  Sue me.

Oh and to the fucking asshole sitting next to me while I was waiting on my flight today?  Never fucking fly again.  I was trying to get some work done and she is on her phone the ENTIRE time bitching to whoever was on the other end about everyfuckingthing under the sun.  I hate flying.  I hate this airport.  I am tired.  I can't sleep here because someone will rob me.  I don't even want to go to Colorado.  He is an asshole.  He didn't call me to check on me.  Blah blah fucking blah.  I was ready to reach over and jam her cell phone down her throat so I could have ten minutes of peace and quiet.  I do not want to hear you bitch and moan.  I want you to shut the fuck up or go away and annoy someone else with your blathering.  If you hate to fly, don't do it.  You are an adult.  So either suck it up and shut your fat face or never step foot in an airport again.

On a positive note, I love Midway Airport in Chicago.  It is so much more convenient that O'Shitty.  And if anyone has to go to Chicago, I highly recommend the Conrad Hilton.  I have stayed there twice now and both times were a wonderful experience.  I have been completely spoiled for any other hotels out there.  The service is excellent and the rooms are wonderful.  The last time I was there, they overbooked and bumped me up to a presidential suite.  Now I have travelled quite a bit, but even I was a little in awe of this room which had a balcony the size of my great room overlooking all of downtown Chicago.  This time I had a regular room, but the stay was just as pleasant.  

I still have a bunch of trips planned, but I will be out in California for a week in November.  I do believe I will be chained to a hotel conference room 90% of the time, but I hear they wheel in drinks every once in a while to keep us from rioting.

OK, time for bed.

Good night.

Playing Cards

My life isn't all about being crazy, beating ass and ruling the world.  I also like to hang out with friends and play cards.

So this weekend, some friends were over and we were sitting around my table playing cards.  My one buddy decided that this was the right time to bring up blow jobs.  Or the lack of desire of American women to partake in making beautiful music with the skin flute.

Here is how the conversation went:

Him: "Did you guys know that only 17% of American women say that they enjoy giving blow jobs?"...in a very puzzled voice.

Husband:".....ruh?"

Me and Girlfriend: "D-U-H"....gagging noises

Him: "But 90% of Austrian women say that they like doing it."  Looks at my husband and smirks.

Me:  "No fucking shit.  Have you seen those bitches that live up in those Alps?  They have to contribute something.  No fucking kidding that they're willing to suck dick.  How else are they supposed to keep the inside of their cheeks warm?"

Now, on to the Costco item of the month.  I don't know if you guys have ever stepped foot in the concrete wonder emporium that is the greatest bulk retailer of the world, but it is an addiction of a level known only to crack addicts and Whitney Houston.  

This weekend I found my new favorite snack item:

Boulder Canyon Natural Foods - Rice and Adzuki Bean Snack Chips - Chipotle Cheese Flavor

Holy mother of Uranus are these things really freaking good and they aren't even made out of fried potatoes.  If you have a chance to try them, do so.  Supposedly they are only available at the Big C, but maybe you can get them online.

One warning - they do tend to make you shit rabbit turds.

Hope everyone had a great weekend.

You Must See This

What is up bitches????

This made me laugh out loud today.  So it gets a thumbs up from me.  The corn on the cob is my favorite.