Nashville

After all of the emotional turmoil of the last few weeks, I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown.  So, bronchitis, ear infection and all, my girlfriend and I took off for Nashville on a spur of the moment trip.  Oh my God was that amazing!

First of all, who in their right mind decides to take a three day weekend at 7:00 PM on a Friday night and is on the road by midnight?  But we did.  We packed up and I went and picked her up at her place.  I made hotel reservations at the Hilton in Downtown Nashville two hours before I left.  

At the start of the trip, my GPS said that we would be arriving at 8:49 AM.  Our actual arrival time was 6:03 AM.  Tee-Hee.  I knocked almost 2 hours off of the drive time and totally forgot about the hour time difference.  Luckily the hotel was amazing (plus I am an Honors member) and they let us check in super early.

The weekend was amazing.  We went to the Country Music Hall of Fame - which I like better than the Rock Hall.  We had AMAZING BBQ at Jack's on Broadway.  We went to a bunch of bars, met some of the nicest people around and ended up at Tootsies Wild Orchid which is a Nashville tradition where most, if not all of the country music legends have played.

And I danced on the bar.

And I only got into one altercation.

The music?  Defies description.  Hands down the best live country/rock/honky tonk music I have ever heard.  And the crazy thing is that there are NO cover charges at any of these bars.  The bands play for FREE.  They pass out tip buckets and play requests for tips.  Now trust me, this weekend, the guys and gals were raking it in, but not one time all evening on Saturday did any of the bands we see take a break.  They played all night long and their voices somehow managed to stay intact.

The fiddle player was the best thing I saw all night.  Beautiful and talented, this young woman (Cara was her name) set the roof on fire with her playing.  I wouldn't have been surprised to see fire shooting off of her instrument.  I am so jealous!

Sunday wasn't as nice since we were both recovering from drinking half the rum in the city, but we went out and had brunch, a nap and then went back out for dinner.  It was a relatively early night for us and we are now on the road back to Cleveland.

But if anyone is interested in taking a trip to Nashville, I would highly recommend it.  Maybe not in January - it was a little chilly- but if you like live music, friendly people and a god time, Nashville can't be beat.

Thanks to everyone for their support and love these last few days.

ADW

Complete and Utter Frustration

Eeekkk!!

Honestly, it seems like all I do these days is bitch and complain and moan without imparting a whole lot of information on why I am really upset.  I kind of feel like this blog is a waste of time.  I don't really have a whole lot of time to focus on writing anymore and it has always been such a big outlet to me.  I am not a good blogger because I haven't been commenting, even though I do still read a lot of the blogs I always read before.  So I am trying to figure out if I should even try to keep the blog.  

It's not that I don't want to write, I do.  But my focus has been so pulled lately that it is making me nuts.  I don't like doing anything half-assed and it feels like that's what has been posted up here for the last year.

Plus, well, the personal life ain't so great.  I am constantly feeling alone in a house full of people.  It's hard to explain and I have been hanging on for so long that I am this giant, nuclear melt-down type of breaking point.  I try to explain it to friends and family but they honestly don't get it.  You can't when you aren't in someone else's life 24/7.  

There was a major ultimatum given in my house 2 months ago and while on the surface things have changed, underneath it is the same old shit.  The crazy thing is that I have such a low threshold for bullshit and drama in my personal life that I can not believe that things have gotten as bad as they are.  

So now, in two weeks, we have the ultimate showdown.  I didn't want to do it.  I really didn't, but my hand was forced.  I wanted the other person to take some responsibility and take the next step.  But they are satisfied with the status quo and don't want anything to rock their happy little boat.  God forfuckingbid that your life changes so mine can get better.  If this last thing doesn't work, my life is going to get even more complex.  And maybe I am being lazy too. Instead of trying to make it better for me, I am just making everyone else around me miserable.  

I don't want to be that bitter, unhappy person that I knew the whole time I was growing up.  I'd rather be alone.

I don't believe in love anymore.  Not the kind that lasts.  Not a legacy for the following generations.  I've never had that.  Things that I have so badly wanted out of life just never seemed to appear.  And maybe I should be happy with what I have.  But I am not the type to settle.  

Things could be worse.

That makes me sad that I think that way.  

So I keep see-sawing back and forth knowing that if I am forced to make a decision on my own mental health and happiness, I am going to hurt someone that I still care about.  Someone I wanted so badly to be a life partner and not a roommate in a house where we share a mortgage.  I just feel like breaking down and crying and I don't cry.  I hate that emotional outlet because it drains me and really doesn't take care of or fix any of my problems.

I don't want to hurt anymore.  I don't want to be hurt anymore.  Nothing is giving.

I feel like the biggest loser in the world.  Why can't I make things work?  Why can't I just be happy with things the way they are?  Why do I always want and need more out of life?  Fulfillment?  Peace and serenity?  A clear path?

I can't answer these questions for myself, so I am going to go to someone else for help.  Uh, I'm not so good on relying on other people's opinions... trained or not.  And it's almost for me like my mind is made up.  Can I really do this?  I don't know.  I don't know anything right now.

So I will try to not be that compulsive crazy person that I normally am and just TRY.  

Fuck

To Smoke or Not To Smoke

Most of you all know that I am a smoker.  For a really long time, my life his kind of revolved around smoking.  The ciggies have been a constant companion in my life.  They have calmed my nerves and relaxed me.  Guided me through tears and turmoil.  They have accompanied many a glass, Okay bottle, of wine or run or whatever.

But now, they are gone.  My friends and constant companions for the last 16 years have been banished from my life.  For the last 87 hours, I have not smoked a cigarette.  Not one.  At all.  

I don't know what to do with myself.

Please do not congratulate me or throw roses at my feet yet.  This is the first time I have ever seriously tried to quit smoking.  The other two times I stopped, I was pregnant, and I really knew that I would most likely begin again.  The thing is I ENJOY smoking.  For non-smokers, that is a really hard thing to explain, but it is just that.  I KNOW that the chances of me falling off the wagon are very good.  My husband already did and we quit at the same time.  My one sister also quit and I think she is standing strong too.  Last night I almost smoked, but by the time my husband got back with the ciggies, I had passed out cold from exhaustion.

I really, really want to smoke.  Even with bronchitis, or walking pneumonia or whatever the hell it is I have this time, I want to smoke so bad it hurts.  Anyone who says that they can quit smoking whenever they want is a damned liar.  And an asshole.  They have never tried it.  I guar-an-tee.

So now I have to figure out things to do to keep from smoking and to take up my time:

1.  Masturbate - win-win

2.  Crochet - will increase my skillz, since it took me 4 years to finish my dad's birthday blanket.

3.  Kill my dogs - this will take approximately 8 seconds.  4 to load the gun, 2 to shoot them and 2 to reflect how I should clean up the mess.  

4.  Kill my dogs - Option #2 - poison.  I will have to spend at least 15 minutes each day mixing the poison in with their kibble, so it will have the added benefit of wasting more time.  However, they won't be dead as soon, so )-=.   

5.  Kill my dogs - Option #3 - train my cat to kill the dogs for me.  This will ease my conscience (meh) and I will spend even more time training my cat in the deadly art form of Ninja Chinese Star throwing.  It will take forever because, well, no opposable thumbs and all.  But he is really smart, so I think I can do it.

6.  Keep my house clean.  Pretty cool, but a lot of work and not as much fun as Cat Ninja Training.

7.  Go back to kickboxing class.  My ass is huuuuuuuuggggeeee!!!!  I need to lose weight and it will help keep my metabolism up which I will need because I am missing the extra metabolism from the cancer sticks.

8.  Start running again.  I hate running, but it will also help me keep up my metabolism and maybe I will even lose some weight.  I am a fat ass.

9.  Make a project list.  There is an ass load of things that need to be done in my house, so I could put together a list and start on it.

10. Plan my garden for next year.

11. Toilet paper my cunty neighbor's house.  This has the added benefit of helping me get rid of some of the ex-smoker's rage that I am carrying around.  I swear to God I am ready to kill someone.

My brain is too tired to think of anything else right now.

I have to travel A LOT for the next little while, but here are some dates if anyone is interested in getting together:

Austin, TX - 1/7 - 1/9

Chicago, IL - 1/12 - 1/14

Columbus, OH - 2/1 - 2/3

San Francisco/Silicon Valley, CA - 2/4 - 2/7

BONUS - my mom is going to try and meet me while I am in California.  I have to get my itinerary - Thank you craptarded travel site for being down for the last week (I still need to book my Chicago trip too!!!) - and see if I can change my flight to come back on the 8th.  I am so excited to see her again so soon and to spend some more time with her.  Hopefully it works out.  If not though, I am going to plan a special weekend trip with her.

And Everything Is Good

I am writing this post from South Eastern Georgia.  Where the weather is NOT below zero with windchill, I CAN sit outside without getting frostbite and I AM able to spend an entire day in my pajamas.  This is what I term a vacation.

I don't need to go on a trip to somewhere exotic or cram a quadrillion activities into a day so that I can see and so everything at once.  I don't have to go out every night to some bar or club that is full of douchebags and douchebaggery.  I don't feel the urge to do ANYTHING.  That to me is a vacation.  

All I have done for the last week or so is chill.  Even though 3/4th of my family is sick with something, it doesn't matter because we are not in the miserable Cleveland weather.  We are in the nirvana of the deep south.  

Life is good.

Real life begins again in T Minus 4 days.  Oh well.  Nothing this good lasts forever.

A safe and happy New Year to everyone.

Life Sucks Assholes

I honestly am super duper sick of life and all the bullshit crap storms she throws at you every time you turn your head.

I pretty much do not like most people right now and want them to stay the fuck out of my way.  I do not want to give to your charity, I do not want to sponsor this or that for you, I do not want to waste anymore time out of my day.  

Speaking of my day, I work all of the time now.  There is no shut off mode for me.  It is high stress all of the time.  No breaks, no understanding, just demands.  And no support.  Not in my professional or my personal life.  At least not where it should be.

Maybe it is the situation I am right now in my personal life, or maybe it is the fact that I had an allergic reaction driving to a meeting yesterday and overdosed on Benedryl, but I have been exceptionally bitchy lately.  And not even in a fun, ADW bitchy way.  More like a mean bitchy way which can be hurtful.

I need to get the fuck out of dodge for a while.  Unfortunately, my next get out of Dodge is scheduled for a week and a half of family time in SouthEastern Georgia over the holidays.  That might make it even worse.

We shall see.

Inhale

Exhale

Sip from the bottle

Inhale 

Exhale

Chug

Inhale

Exhale

Pass Out

Fuck it.

Over It

I Hate Everyone!!!!!

Over it.

Not Quite a Lady... Bug

I'm still pissed about missing Adam's Halloween Party.  I didn't get to lick his nipples or see Britt sing karaoke again or meet Dave2 or throw up in his bloody pool, or pee in his bushes.

Fuck

I am a little salty because the reason I didn't get to go were Dog #1 and Dog #2 and some emergency surgeries.  I now know how much love costs. Five Hundred and Eighty Fucking Five dollars.  And Ninety Pissing Six cents.

I did get to go out for halloween though.  I had to dress up before Trick or Treating because I wouldn't have had time otherwise and everyone on my street sat at the top of our cul de sac with a portable fire pit and we all handed out candy in a line.  I had a few Captain and Diets and the extreme pleasure of seeing SuperCunt's eyes bug out of her head when she got a load of my costume.  I haven't gotten all of the pictures yet, but here is one I did manage to get my hands on:

As you can all see, I was a Slutty Bug.  My husband was a hillbilly hunter, but instead of a big buck, he got a big fuck that night, so I think we're all good.

Please note the glazed look in my eyes and my attempt to cover up my ass while half-humping my scruffy half.

Of course he is smiling because I was rubbing my dots all over his banana.

But the best part of my costume was my ruffled underoos.  I totally found an adult version of the little tot drawers with the lacy ruffles on the bottom.  Mine were black with red lace and totally matched my outfit, but the effect was mah-ve-lous.

After we left the party we went to a bar where a bunch of guys my hubs went to high school with were playing and we danced and danced.  There was a four way make out which my friend Cool Girl missed because she disappeared.

At the end of the night (read - when they kicked us out of the bar), we went outside to look for Cool Girl and her car, but it was nowhere in sight.  Not where we parked it.  Fuck.  I thought her husband was going to wig.

Then I saw the car facing the opposite direction from which we parked and my girlfriend in the back seat.  There was an argument ALL weekend about whether or not she moved it.  But the best comment was when she kept saying OVER and OVER all weekend long:

"I can't believe I missed the make out session.  I can't believe it.  Why didn't you guys come get me?"

...Uh because you dis-a-twatting-peared and we couldn't find you.  We probably figured you were on stage hitting the lead singer in the ass with his own tambourine again...

I know you are going to read this fucker!!!