An Invisible Disease

It's funny in a psychotically perspective sort of way that I'm sitting on airplane flying to what most people would consider paradise after the hell that I've put everyone who cares about me through over the last week. Ok. To be honest, it is an island paradise, but I'm not really there for the paradise part. I'm there to heal. To become whole again. To get back that fun loving, carefree girl that I used to be once upon a time. Before the seizures and doctors and countless tests and drugs.

My good Lord the drugs. As they say, but for the grace of God go I. Since I started having seizures I've been diagnosed, misdiagnosed, rediagnosed and multi-diagnosed. I've endured what many other people with an invisible disease have endured. But instead of relying on the internal strength that I know I have, I let the disease take me over. I worked with several doctors. All of whom seemed to have a different cocktail for me to take to help. Let me fill you in on a little secret - none of them helped. At least not in the long run. What they ended up doing was messing with my head, my heart and my soul. I couldn't live without the benzos because I have stress induced seizures. But the more seizures I had, the more pills I took. Until this last month when my medication was changed three times in five different variations.

I'm going to let that settle in a little bit for you. Because when you change any type of medication that much, the only way to describe it is a complete mind cluster fuck. I couldn't tell up from down or straight from sideways. I had a total mental and physical breakdown and literally was unable to function.

The good thing is that I'm alive. The bad is that I almost wasn't. Between everything I described and a massive betrayal by someone I thought would never, ever hurt me in the way I was hurt, I ended up in the hospital. And not voluntarily. My sisters - my three familial sisters and the three sisters of my heart stepped in. And my brother - who loves me unconditionally as well. They recognized the signs that I needed help and got it for me.

A large part of what many people don't understand is that it was not something under my control. The vast amounts of medicines floating through my brain, bloodstream and nervous system took over my body. I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't even aware of what was happening half the time. And please understand that more people than anyone knows about go through this same thing. I don't fully blame the doctors, but let's be honest. They get you in and out and with seizures it is half science half guessing. And science failed me.

But the people who really love me.... They didn't fail me. They are all working together and with me to get me whole again. So now I write this from a plane thirty thousand feet in the air flying to a private place where I can detox from the medication. I can get healthy. Gain wait - try going from a 36 D to a 32 B in two months. It's no bueno. Do yoga. Meditate. I can also focus on my work. I am lucky enough to work from anywhere for the next two weeks, so I am doing it in a safe environment.

Not everyone is religious. And I'm not a pusher. But I've been praying to my God to protect me. When you are looking at a bottle of Ambien and start thinking that it looks like a good idea, I don't care who you are. You need some Jesus in your life.

To clarify, I'm not suicidal. All the thoughts and actions were side effects of medication. Read the labels. Carefully. Because if your medicine makes you start thinking about where you want your ashes scattered, fucking call someone. Get help. Immediately. It was almost too late for me.

I know this isn't a quick fix. It won't happen overnight. Or in the next month. I'm going to take it day by day. I'm going to be the best ME I can be on a daily basis. I am not going to try. Trying is for people who plan on quitting. I will be healthy and happy and whole again. First and foremost for myself. I'm the last person I think of and I need to be first for a while. Just like in an airplane, you put your oxygen mask on first so you can help the person next to you. So it's my turn to breathe again.

Love and Peace,

Autumn

Friendsgiving

Tonight I am hosting Friendsgiving. Hells to the yeah. I am so excited I want to pee my pants.

I love Thanksgiving. The food, the people, the football, the music, the fact that my birthday and Baby Jesus' is right around the corner. The countdown to my vacation. The food. The food. The food.

OK. Maybe I am going a little bit overboard on the food, but I don't fuckingthinkso. I adore cooking. Especially for a large group of people. And this year, I will have about a dozen people crammed into my tiny condo. We will be laughing and eating and drinking and listening to music. But most of all, we will be eating. Below is a list of what I am making for tonight's Friendsgiving dinner:

• Turkey - this little fellow cost more a pound than gas does a gallon. He was hand fed vegetarian food, free-range raised and I think they tucked him in at night on a golden fucking blanket. But I really believe in making an effort to feed my friends and family a more organic meal, so Bob Marley better fucking be worth it! More on the name later.
• Gravy - this is the nectar of the gods. Gravy makes anything better. Try it. Gravy on meat, vegetables, ice cream, pudding. You name it. I make it from scratch from the turkey juices and slow simmer it for over an hour.
• Stuffing - Or dressing depending what part of the country you're from. I make this as well. That stove top stuff freaks me out. But I will let you in on a little secret. I don't like it and I will only eat it if it's super duper crunchy. And covered in gravy.
• Mashed Potatoes - non lumpy!!!! People in the midwest seem to pride themselves on lumpy potatoes. They use this strange hand tool called a ricer (which would make more sense if it were used on rice) to smoosh and smash their taters until the are the consistency of wet dog food. Gross. I peeled 10 pounds of potatoes last night and if there is a lump in them, I will shank the first person who points it out. I have a secret family trick that makes them very creamy. And we put gravy all over them.
• Sweet Potatoes - can't stand 'em. But I am making a shitload. I don't mash these. I slice them up and candy them with a ton of butter and brown sugar. Then I put the little marshmallows on top.
• Green Bean Casserole - I might be the only person in my family who actually likes it. But fuck you all because I am making dinner, so we are having it damn it. However, since I LOATH mushrooms and refuse to eat them, I use cream of celery soup in it instead. Try it. It's better that way. Gospel.
• Butternut Squash Casserole - this shit is gold. A legend in my family. I have never met a person who doesn't love it. It's almost like a desert. It takes forever to make, but it's totally worth it. My family is so jealous that I don't ship it out to them every holiday. E-mail me if you want the recipe. It's sick!!!!
• Asparagus - I guess you have to have something that's not full of cream or sugar. So I roast it. But them I put gravy on it. Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Gravy.
• Cranberries - This is the only thing that I don't make pretty much from scratch. I love this crap from a can. In fact, I leave the little ripples in it from the side of the can and just serve the whole lump on a plate.
  
• Appetizers - fresh fruit with homemade dip, veggies and dip, veggie pizza and hummus and pita. I like to make sure there is plenty of food.
  
• Champagne - I always drink champagne when I am cooking on the holidays. It makes me feel special. Especially the cheap shit.

So, I'm sure I forgot some stuff, but you get the idea.

Now on to the turkey. We name our turkey every year. It's tradition. And usually something completely un-PC. So this year we named him Bob Marley. We even have a rasta dread hat for him and everything. And he has his own theme song - "No turkey, no cry. Noooooooo turkey, no cry."

I'm sure there will be plenty of one-liners after tonight.

And yes, I am aware that TOMORROW is Thanksgiving. But tonight is Friendsgiving and I am so thankful for everything that my friends and family have done for me this year.

Smooches!!!!

Autumn

I Think I'm Ready

I've spent the last six months flying pretty much solo. It's not that I haven't dated, but I haven't been in a relationship. And I realize now that there are some very specific things that I miss about having a special someone in my life.

1. Holding hands. I know it sounds cheesy - especially coming from moi - but I love the feeling I get when he grabs my hand and holds it in his.

2. Lazy Sundays. Now that football season is in full swing, I am realizing how much I miss waking up with someone on a Sunday morning, making breakfast and cuddling up on the couch to watch the games.

3. Having someone that will just be there for me when I'm having a bad day. There are times when I really think that I am going to explode if I don't let it out. I want to be able to talk to someone about that.

4. Compassion. Even if I'm wrong, I really miss having someone in my corner no matter what I do or say.

5. Romance. God do I ever miss romance. And if you tell anyone about this, I will hunt you down and beat you like a rabid dog. But I really, really miss that. Knowing that someone else is thinking about me and just calls or texts me to say so is such a great feeling to have.

6. Fireplaces, patios and car rides.

7. Having faith in someone else. I've lost a lot of faith over the last few years. Because of the things that I have been through - some of my own doing, some not - I have an even harder time trusting people. I miss being able to let down my guard long enough to let someone else step in and take care of me for once.

8. Making dinner. I love to cook. In fact, in another place and time, that might have been a vocation for me. But I do miss making dinner with or for a special someone. Not that cooking for my kids isn't great, but there is definitely something amazing about putting together a special meal for a special person and the feeling you get when they love it.

9. Massages. On both sides. I love to take care of someone and make them feel just a little bit better after a long day. I also won't say no if they want to give me a back rub as well.

10. Having a partner. Just knowing that there is someone waiting to spend time with me at the end of a long day...



So now, I think I might be ready again. I am not 100% positive, because I think I still have some healing to do, but I do know that if that special someone comes along, I'm not going to run in the other direction the way I have been doing. I've spent a lot of time with friends and family these days. Putting into perspective my priorities and goals in life has become a focus for me. Knowing that I am making some changes in myself to be a better person overall has helped me open up to all of the possibilities that life has to offer.

Don't misunderstand me though. I am not going to settle for Mr. right now just to have companionship. I would rather be alone than settle. Never again. But neither am I going to close myself off from the option of being with someone. It just has to be the right person for me.. I'm not looking, but if he's out there then maybe the universe will bring us together.

Things Left Unsaid

This is ripped directly from Adam's site, but I loved it so much, I had to do it here.

"Sometimes it's about the things we can't say. Whether it's because we're not brave enough, or just because the opportunity has passed, these unspoken phrases, positive or negative, supportive or detracting, reminiscent or in hindsight, deserve to be heard."

• I still blame you for her death. If I could, I would have you locked in jail without the possibility of parole. I try not to, but I hope you rot in hell for your evil deeds.


• I'm sick of being a friend of convenience to you. You only call me when you need something and are never there for me when I need you in return.


• Please stop posting horrible things about people on FaceBook. You are the most negative person I know.


• You're so much more amazing than you will ever let yourself believe. I mean every word that I say to you and hope that one day you will understand that I speak the truth.


• I feel like you abandoned me and you don't have any idea. You never will.


• You're so much better than the way you behave.


• I never liked you. At all. I think your stupidity is singularly overwhelming to anyone who spends more than 10 minutes in your presence.


• Stop being so judgemental. Not everyone has to live in this world by YOUR standards. It's annoying to everyone who knows you.


• You deserve better than him.


• Your existence makes me uncomfortable and I am scared of you.


• Your children hate you.


• Every time I see your name, I think about you and wonder what might have been.


• You hurt someone I love so badly that I never thought he would be whole again. I think you are a selfish asshole who ignores everyone else's feelings for the sake of your own. And? You live in a bubble that other people are all too willing to keep around you. I don't even know why that is.


• I stopped calling you because I knew you were going to die soon and I couldn't bring myself to see that happen to someone else I cared about. I'm so sorry I was weak.


• You fill the people around you with joy and wonder. You are the strongest person that I know and my heart breaks for your suffering.

These are just some of the things I've been wanting to say. I'm kind of brain dead this week, but there is so much going on that I can't even process all of it.

Ending The Cycle of Violence

As I lay here in my bed tonight, the largest thought looming in my mind is one of violence.  This last week, the world lost yet another woman to domestic violence.  A girl I went to high school with, but someone that I did not know.  A woman with a child.  A woman my exact age was viciously murdered by her husband.  A man that stood in front of God and made vows to protect and love and cherish her stabbed her to death in their home.  When asked why he did it, he responded that he was sick of her shit.  

Now there is a small child without either one of his parents.  A little boy who will have to grow up knowing that not only did he lose his mother too soon, but the story behind the loss.  He will never again be able to hold her hand or have her read him a bedtime story or hear her voice when he wakes up in the morning.  His children will never know the woman who would have been their grandmother.  Parents have lost their child.  Friends have lost someone who was by all accounts a bright light in their life.

And why?  For what?  When will the madness end?

Another friend was recently called out to help someone who had been savagely beaten by her boyfriend.  A man that she thought she could trust put her in the hospital.  Was there a sign of the monster behind the mask?  Was there a hint that he wasn't everything that he purported himself to be when they started dating?  Did she think that a few weeks later she would end up with broken bones, bruises and cuts and scars on the inside that will probably last her a lifetime.

This has to stop.  I don't want my own daughter to ever have to go through pain and agony at the hands of someone who claims to love her while he is putting bruises on her face or pushing her down a flight of stairs.  And maybe the only thing that I can do is to write about it, but at least it's a start.  A beginning.

So here is my story.  A story that begins the first time I remember being hurt by a man.  I was about seven years old and my sister and I were picking blackberries by the driveway to the house we lived in at the time.  As punishment, I was beaten with a leather belt until I could no longer stand.  By my stepfather.  Why?  I don't know.  But it didn't end there.  For years, we were hit.  Abused.  Hurt.  As a sophomore in high school, I was once hit so hard with a two by four that I ended up in the emergency room because he almost broke my arm with it.  By the time I was a junior, I had enough.  The last time he came after me, I kicked him in the jaw and almost broke it.  I told him that if he ever touched me again, I would have him put in jail.  I don't know where I found the strength to do that.  I was not only terrified of him, but I was afraid of what he would do to other members of my family.  I wish I could say that it was divine inspiration, but I think that at that point in my life, I didn't really care if I lived or died anymore.  I just knew that I couldn't live every day being afraid.

Since then, it would be nice to be able to say that I broke the cycle, but that would be a lie.  I have been physically, mentally and emotionally abused by men who have professed to love me.  The latter two most recently.  And I thought that it was my fault.  I let my children see me cry over a man that I thought loved me.  But how can someone love you and call you a whore and a slut and a bitch and any other combination of names that there are out there?  How could I, an intelligent successful, business-savvy woman allow a man to dictate my entire life to me?  How did I fall in that trap again?  

Not only did I fall, but I bought the bullshit hook, line and sinker.  I allowed someone else to make me feel inadequate.  I began to question myself.  I wondered if I really was the person that he made me out to be when he was angry with me.  I distanced myself from my friends and family and didn't tell them about all of the bad things because I was so embarrassed by them.  I was made to feel weak and impotent.  Like the world held nothing but bad things for me without him in it.  That I wasn't able to stand on my own two feet.  That I shouldn't really have this friend or that in my life.  That I shouldn't go do that because it reflected poorly on him.  That I should be with him every second of every day.  That he was the only person I needed.  Not my friends or my family.

While I did have moments of sanity, it seemed like every time I started to draw away and get out, I would get reeled right back in.  I would fall for the lines.  I would forgive him what really wasn't his fault in the first place.  After all, how could I be compassionate and not be forgiving?  How could I hold someone's childhood against him?  All of the lines and explanations served to undermine my own convictions and strengthen his position.

But in the end, I finally severed those ties.  I stopped the cycle of forgiving someone for something that they never regretted in the first place.  I stopped allowing myself to be used as an emotional punching bag.  Of course it was two years, a lot of words and emotions, a kick to my dog and the threatened murder of another pet later, but it finally sank in that I had to get out.  And really there is so much here that is better left unsaid.  Things that I don't even want to write about.  Feelings that I just can't let out yet because I don't want them to overwhelm me.

When I tell women to get out, I mean GET OUT!!!!  If you are afraid, trust those instincts.  Don't become another statistic.  Be strong.  Know that you really can turn to your friends and family without being ashamed.  There are places that you can go for help.  And you can always call 1-800-799-SAFE.  Especially if you think your computer use is being monitored.  

I did turn to friends.  They have held me while I have cried and had panic attacks.  They have talked me through those tears and fears and doubts and tough times.  And they have reassured me that I am strong.  It doesn't matter that I wasn't physically abused this time.  For me, I already knew I could survive the physical abuse.  It was the mental and emotional abuse that I didn't know how to walk away from.  And I think that predators sense your biggest weaknesses and fears and use them to their own advantage.

There are GOOD MEN out there.  I am not bitter.  Nor do I think that every man is evil.  Some of the greatest people in my life are men.  They are amazing friends, brothers, fathers and husbands.  They are not perfect, but they are good.  I have seen the men in my life grow over the years.  I have seen them overcome abuse in their own lives and I have seen them break the cycle as well.

I haven't cited anything that I have discussed, not because I don't want the attention turned in that direction, but because this is where I come to share my feelings.  Not to intrude on the private mourning time of others.

Just know, that a woman is not always stupid for not getting out.  It's easy to stand on the outside and judge her.  It's a lot harder to hold her hand and help pick up the pieces when she breaks.

So to all of the wonderful people out there who have helped a loved one through a time like this, I say thank you.  Thank you for being able to put your own feelings aside and stand by someone through the toughest time in their life.

Love and light,

Autumn

Daily Annoyances

I am supremely annoyed today.  With people.  Ignorant, rude people who have no sense of responsibility or self control.  

I always say that people tend to mistake my kindness for weakness, but if I know one thing, it is that I AM NOT WEAK!  When my back is to the wall, I will and do stand up for myself.  I try my best to be a good friend and to accommodate people.  Especially now when I have plenty of time on my hands and a lot of flexibility in my personal life.  But when people constantly abuse my good nature without apology, I start to get ticked off.  I don't have time in my life for fools or users.  People who constantly take from me and never give anything back. 

Now don't get me wrong.  I don't expect a lot from people.  But when I ask someone to do something very simple for me because I am changing things around in my schedule for them and they can't do one very simple little thing, I tend to get annoyed.  And when I get annoyed, I am not going to be returning your texts or doing you favors because you have shown me exactly where I stand in the importance rankings in your life.  I don't expect to come first with the people I care about, but I do expect them to acknowledge that I have gone out of my way to help them and be respectful of my time in return.

Learn some freaking manners.  I know that in today's day and age of constant communication with technology that it wouldn't take more than 5 seconds for you to do what I asked of you, so it's not like I was asking you to give me one of your kidneys.  

No one is completely altruistic.  And while I tend to try and do anything I can for my friends and family, I absolutely refuse to be friends with and care about people who take from me any longer.  You are off of my radar.  I am irritated as shit right now in case you can't tell.  With people in general, but a few people specifically.  And no, it's not you if you're reading this.  Trust me.

Why do people think that they can walk all over me?  Do I have "doormat" tattooed on my forehead or something?  Is there some kind of pheromone that I give off that makes you think that I am an easy target?  If not, maybe I should invent something.  I shall call it Eau de Dickhead and do my best to switch scents.

I have good people in my life.  People who actually do care about me and worry about MY health and well-being.  People who call me up for advice and who try and help me before I ever have to ask for it.  But it seems like there are always a few folks on the fringes of my life who are leeching off of me and I need to cut them out completely.  

I want to live in a bullshit free zone, which means that I need to flush those turds right down the toilet, wave goodbye and let the alligators in the sewers eat them.

Arghhhhhhh......

Goodnight, from an angry pirate.

Random Thoughts From the Drive In

Last night some I went to the local Drive In with my family and some great friends.  I hadn't been in years even though my city has one of the last remaining drive ins in the country.  I think there are less than 200 left.  After approximately 20 seconds, I remembered the million reasons why, like Wal Mart, I usually stay away from the Drive In Theater.

1. It makes me feel strangely good about myself - to the detriment of others in attendance.  I mean I have teeth, so right there I am a leg up on everyone else.
2. I once got caught having sex there in a Geo Metro hatchback.  I was 17 and ended up marrying the guy, but I am always afraid that someone working there is going to point at me and say "Hey remember that chick!  We busted her en flagrante delicto with a gearshift wedged in her ear.  Although she was a lot hotter at 17."  I shudder.
3. It's basically located at the edge of a swamp, so you are continuously barraged with giant blood-sucking mosquitos that are immune to all types of bug spray.  The city once bombed them with Agent Orange and all that did was piss them off, so I always walk away with about a pint less of O Positive than I had earlier in the night.
4. The people who built the Drive In, which I think was back when they called movies "talkies", did so in a very interesting location.  Right next to railroad tracks.  And the railroad is still alive and well.  At least in my city.  Because a train goes by like every ten minutes.
5. The bathrooms smell like cat piss.  Really.  It's worse than the gift shop at Hemingway's house of six-toed cats in Key West.  I think the urine has aged over time to a point where it is so pervasive, if you stay in the bathroom for more than a minute, you will die of asphyxiation.
6. Hillbillies.
7. The Drive In turns into a flea market on Sunday Mornings and I am always fearful that one of my kids will accidentally step on a hypodermic needle from some crack-head selling used McDonalds Happy Meal toys.
8. I end up eating the most disgusting things from the snack bar.  And then I spend Monday mornings sicking it all back up.
9. You don't have to bring your own chairs and blankets to a real movie theater.
10. I end up getting hit on by some freak, weirdo, pot-head who is there with his baby-mama and their 8 kids.  Really?  You are going to treat me like a princess?  Which one?  Princess Trashy McTrailerPark?

I guess now that I have trashed the Drive In, I should say something nice about it.  The only problem is, I really don't have anything nice to say.  And let's be honest.  If I went by that little gem about not saying anything if you have nothing nice to say, then I would have nothing to write about.

The only positive thing that I can really impart is that it's fun for the kids.  They really seem to enjoy being devoured by pigeon sized bugs, don't mind the constant noise from the trains and ignore the rest of the crap.  And the adults have fun chatting and laughing with each other.  

And when next year rolls around, I will conveniently forget all of the reasons why I don't go and will load up my car with chairs, blankets and illegal snack foods and go back.  Because?  It's tradition.  

Well, tradition and good material for writing.

Love,

Autumn