Where to Begin?

I really don't know where to start in describing the wonderful Christmas/birthday that I had this year. Abstract Jenn sent me some wonderful artwork (Thank you so much I love it and have to find THE MOST PERFECTEST SPOT for it) and even thought I didn't know gorillas had access to the Internet, one sent me a box of my favorite chocolates along with the following message:

"Happy birthday bitchcakes. You're old now. Time to let yourself go!"

One more truffle, and my ass is going to burst the seam in my stretchy pants.

Here are some bullet points from the past few days:

• My brother-in-law told us all about how he shit his pants on the way home from a Japanese steakhouse. The smell of crap made my sister, who was driving and is pregnant, puke her guts up all over the dash of the car. Afterwards, he figured since he already crapped himself that "fuck it" he was gonna piss too. When they got home, they stripped down in their back yard and hosed themselves off. My husband laughed so hard he started crying.
• Someone accused my mom of being a little "tipsy" last night. She said the we would know when she was drunk because her clothes would start coming off. I didn't have the heart to point out that she took her shirt off in exchange for one of my tank tops because she got a little warm...
• We played Apples to Apples on Christmas Eve. If you have never played the game, it is a cockful of fun. We came to the conclusion that Schindler's List trumps any other card played.
• Somehow, this morphed into our naming of the Turkey ceremony where my dad and I decided to name the Turkey Oscar Schindler. My mom and sister were horrified. I pointed out that we were just honoring a man that saved thousands of Jews during the Holocaust..... Then my mom pointed out that we were ROASTING the turkey in an oven. OK. Not my greatest moment of triumph, but the name stuck.
• We then decided to name the Ham. Actually I decided that. I named him Saffron Longshanks.
• In two days, I made the following items: 20 lb turkey, 10 lb ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potatoes, asparagus, butternut squash casserole, green bean casserole, more fucking cookies, salad, rolls, blah, blah, blah.
• I received a knife set from my husband for Christmas. I have wanted a really good set of knives for a long time. I sliced a finger open before they were completely out of the packaging. Dumbass me.
• My short attention span contributed to my picking up the turkey lid that I sat on top of the stove while checking the turkey, with my bare fingers, burning my thumb and three of my fingers.
• My mom and I snuck out into our garage about an hour before dinner prep and polished off two bottles of champagne.
• I got a sot's pint of Captain Morgans in my stocking. My husband is such a funny man.
• It was a wonderful Christmas and even the in-laws coming over later that evening did not ruin it. Our friends, who live next door, came over with their daughter and ate dinner with us. It was fun and peaceful at the same time.
• I won $2 on a scratch off ticket.
• My mom and I spent all day today shopping out little hearts out.

I have been offline for most of this week and probably won't have much time to spend online until next week.

I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and that you have an even better New Years. Stay safe and enjoy the people you love.

ADW