Hanky Panky

When?

When is the hanky panky?

Before or after the cleaning of the house, the homework, the pet care, the sports practices and games, breakfast, lunch, dinner, grocery shopping, bathing....

Maybe the video game playing. Maybe if we cut out the video game playing, the hanky panky would return.

Oohh, oohhhhh. I know. Pick me! Pick me!!!

How about not tiling your parents' bathroom floor all weekend? Maybe if you instead, hmmmmm, I don't know, did some shit at our house, the hanky panky would return. But no, mommy and daddy call and we spend all fucking weekend at their house tiling their floor so that they can sell their house at a better price. (And by we, I mean you, since I no longer grace them with my evil presence.)

Yes, we can do all sorts of manual labor for them, but when I need to be taken to the emergency tomb on my doctor's orders and you call your mother to drive all of 20 minutes to watch our son and she asks you if you "tried the neighbors," well that is a load of horseshit.

Ugh!

Honestly. It is a huge joke with men that once you marry, you might as well put your pecker away since there is no longer a need for it, but the joke's on you. Women get just as frustrated with the lack of copulation. Sure we need the correct humidity, timing, words and so forth, but we needed them before. You didn't notice at the time because you were too busy trying to get us to drop our panties as often as possible.

What is it about the increase in expenditures that go along with cohabitating that are directly proportional to the decrease in bumping uglies? Someone needs to do an economic study on that one. I swear to you that it would grant that person an immediate doctorate. Really.

This is such a common occurence with women that it has now reached epidemic proportions. We need some kind of ribbon to bring awareness to the cause. Like a big fat penis ribbon.

Holy shit! I just realized that my mom now reads my blog. Oh well. She knows me.

Anyway, back to me. I find it constantly amusing that men seem to think that they are the only ones who are presented with married sex issues. In truth, it is way worse for women. We are not only expected to continue sleeping with you, but we are expected to do so under less than desirable circumstances. We no longer look/act/feel the same as when you married us? Uh, look in the mirror brother. That boat travels both ways on the river of love. We get to hold down careers and have children (which hurts you non-sympathetic assholes) and make you dinner and juggle 72 other balls in the air all while you expect us to lick the two that are attached to your body.

Sick.
Of.
It.

MAYBE if you actually took us out to dinner or a movie or even pretended some interest in our lives, we would be more inclined to let you back into the crevice of pleasure.

I am sure that I will get a shitload of grief from all you guys out there, but I could give a fuck. Sometimes, when life gets mighty frustrating, the free-association vent is what a girl really needs. As I was thinking and writing, this subject was the first one that really caught my attention. I am sure that I haven't explained this nearly as eloquently as I thought it in my head, but that's how it works with me. I write and I don't really think of the words as I do. They just flow out of me like venom.

So, the next time you are trying to get some ass, ask yourself if you couldn't have done something to entice your woman. Try telling her that she is beautiful at random moments in the day. Kiss her hand. Open a car door. Ask her what is going on in her life and actually LISTEN to what she says. Turn the TV off and play a game of backgammon. Make dinner for fuck's sake. Do something. But please, please, do not expect to cuddle up to us after an eighteen hour day spent dealing with everything thing that life throws at us and poke us in the back with your man tool and then wiggle it around. Unless we are extremely hard up, we would rather floss our teeth with barbed wire than bounce on your penis.

The End

ADW