Well, I am, but not about this seizure shit.
My dad flew in today to go to the neurologist's office with me. To say I was freaking out would be putting it mildly. I have managed to more or less ignore this whole seizure situation for the last seven or eight years. I figured I had it under control. Until the ER doctor told me that 4-5 seizures a year was NOT controlling the situation.
So, reluctantly, I went off to see the head doctor. I had these visions of him telling me I was completely nuts to saying that there wasn't a thing wrong with me and that it was all in my head. (heh heh) Plus I was a little nervous, because this particular neurologist did not have the best of reputations.
Well let me tell you, I really liked the guy. He had me when he said "you had CAT scan? It verified that there was a brain in there?" Ah, a doctor who gets my sense of humor.
He did a thorough work up and asked me about my seizures. In the end, he decided that I have Focal seizures. (or Partial Seizures) Basically, the seizure affects the right side of my brain, but presents on the left side. Numbness, tingling, twitches, etc are mostly confined to the left side. That doesn't mean that I can't or haven't had Full seizures that affect both sides, I have, but that the majority of them happen to zing me on the right. I guess kind of like a guy's dick. you know, they usually hang to one side or the other.
So, now I am on medication. Right now I am taking Topamax. Eventually I will work up from one to four pills a day. He also has me taking Valium as needed (it helps with the tingling and such) and he also put me on Maxalt for migraines.
The thing is, you would think I would feel better about this, but I don't and here are my reasons why:
1. I FUCKING HATE DRUGS - of any kind
2. I loath the idea that I need to be dependent on any kind of medication to live a "normal" life.
3. I really, really don't like it that I will forever have seizure associated with my name. You know, just in case, I need to tell the people around me for my own protection. Do not call an ambulance, do not try to hold down my tongue, etc.
4. I was just anally raped at the drug store. I have wonderful health insurance, but even so, I just spent over a hundred dollars on close to six hundred dollars worth of medication. Granted, the Maxalt will last me for like a year, but the Topamax is like a FORFUCKINGEVER kind of thing. The next time I go into the pharmacy, I am just going to lift up my skirt and grab my ankles. I'm gonna get fucked one way or another.
5. I have to have an EEG. Uh, me and hospitals are not good together. Me and weird electrodes and gels have an even bigger issue with one another.
6. I will need to be under medical care for the rest of my life.
7. A bunch of other shit that I haven't thought of yet.
So here I sit, at midnight, and I still haven't taken that first dose of medicine. It's like I am admitting that I have failed my own body somehow. I know I am not making sense, but that's how I feel.
The thing is, I know it could be worse and I keep telling myself that very thing. But I CANNOT help the way I feel about the situation. Maybe in time, I will see things differently, but right now I do not. And I really don't want to hear any platitudes. I know I sound like a bitch, but I have never argued otherwise.
On a better note, my dad has been wonderful. He was allowed in the examining room and asked questions that I hadn't thought of. I have a sister (not blood related) with epilepsy, so my dad knows a lot about the subject and was a big help. Plus it's nice to just have him here with me. I said that we don't get to spend much time together, so this is great, no matter the circumstances.
Thank you all for your kind comments on my last post. Because of my schedule and the way that my brain has been scrambled lately, I haven't been able to respond to any comments, but I really felt your good wishes and prayers coming through today.
All my best,
ADW
16 comments:
you know if you grab your ankles and lift up your skirt, the pharmacist may say..."Wow that is really nice. Please take the drugs for free!!!"
Sweetie ... I have been on drugs for the past 40 years and then for another problem for the past 2.5 years. If I stop taking the newer ones I go crazy. If I stop taking the first one, I die.
I know how you feel about being on drugs ... it sucks.
I'm sorry that you have to be on drugs that you don't want to be on.
I have to take medication every day(type 2 diabetic)too, and it sucks, but you kinda get used to it...AND, you can buy a stylish "pill-a-day" container. Mine's a fantastic kelly green with cool white letters for the days of the week, AND a locking mechanism so the kids can't get at it. Pretty cool huh ?
as for the price, see if your insurance has a plan to get prescriptions through the mail.It's a bit of a pain in the ass to set-up, but you get three month's supply at two months' price.
My dad is an epileptic, and one thing I've learned is to keep a careful eye on how the medication affects you. If you feel like it's affecting your mood or something like that, let him know - there are many different combinations that you can take that may help.
It was nice communicating with you and your husband last night. Hope he looks forward to meeting me!
Glad to hear you are going to be alright, sweets! Being reluctant to be on meds is totally understandable, but perhaps you realize that pretty much everyone is on some type of meds program for their whole lives - so you are in good company ;-).
PS - only you could compare seizure behavior to a guy's penis. Well played!
My Darling ADW,
It is not a sign of failure to have to take medication.
Signed,
The woman who takes a pill every day to stay sane.
I take drugs every day to keep me from puking, pooping my pants, and/or going on a killing spree.
Don't I sound like a lot of fun?? ;)
Point being, it sucks, but we all just want you well.
I'm glad they're working with you to get it all straightened out - drugs, or no. Hang in there!!
Now I'm off to tell everyone I see that I know some chick that has a brain like a man's penis. heh
That feeling that you've failed your own body, or that your body's failed you, is really shitty.
((hugs))
Aw, hon, it's certainly no picnic. I have two brothers with epilepsy. I thought I'd die when my own son developed it over a year ago.
It seems Fuck!Fuck!Fuck! is standard response.
I tell him we should get him a helper-dog. He wanted a helper-monkey. He got married instead of either.
Be glad that you, too, have someone there for you. You're in rare, but usually awesome, company.
Fatwonkkid - No, I tried
George - It does
Paticus - I know of that plan. A lot of teachers and state employees have it, but unfortunately, I just work with them, I don't get the benefits. I would totally do it if I could.
Avi - I am not sure I have seen him laugh that hard since I told the nurse to fuck off. It was very rewarding.
Cherry - I stick with the analogies I am comfortable with. Since I am such a stinking slut, penis comparisons abound.
Britt - I know that, you know that, it's just getting the message across the blood brain barrier.
Wafenelbak - I feel like going on a killing spree..... cool.
Tug - my love, you knew my brain was like a dick way before now.
Kim - ((Kisses))
Joan - Thanks for the visit and the kind words. I would like a helper monkey. Shit... I have a husband. Close enough.
I was on topamax for migraines (and for its alleged weight loss *magic*).
If you want someone to talk to about it, let me know. Zap me an email with your email itsmemaven AT NOSPAMaim DOT COM.
It's rough stuff. Initially I didn't give a shit.
Let me know if you need to talk.
Topomax?? I thought that was some kind of feminine hygiene product.
Blimey. That sounds awful - poor you. I, too, hate medication, so once my condition was stabilised, I started looking for alternatives. Acupuncture worked miracles for my migraines. Maybe, in time, you can find some alternatives that don't involve taking it up the shitter.
Puss
I've only just read this and I'm sorry to hear it, but at least they do have treatment, even if it doesn't cure it and costs a fortune. On the bright side, if you told your pharmacist that you felt like you should just lift your skirt and grab your ankles I'm betting they would laugh their asses off. I know I just did.
I know I'm really late on this one, but late never stopped me before so: Next time you hate the fact that you need these meds, look over at your kids and remember that the shitty meds keep you on the planet for THEM.
Take Care
FMD
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