A Month and a Half

NOTE - I had this all typed out and almost deleted it.  The reason that I went ahead and posted it was so I had a record that I could look back on to remind myself how much I really want to make this change.  Or as I like to call it "there's no going back now bitch."

I can't believe that I haven't posted for so long.  Holy shitballs!!!  I thought, "hmm, the world can live without me for a week or two."  Yeah, it looks like you guys have been rolling along for much longer than that.

Without a peep?  Fuckers.

So, here is a little synopsis of what went on for half of the summer:

• Went camping and canoeing down a river
  
• Created the phenomenon that is Mohican River Hooch - recipe to follow sometime soon
• Went camping again
• Went to Austin, got boatsick
• Went canoeing again, made a stronger batch of Hooch, took a shit in the woods and covered it up with diaper wipes, fell out of my canoe and slept for 18 hours straight
• Figured out that hangover recovery is much more difficult in my thirties
• Came to the conclusion that I need a severe lifestyle change
• Tried to strengthen my marital relationship - we are making big strides
• Realized that my husband takes really good care of me when I have a little too much Hooch
• Took a 3:00 AM trip to WalMart and realized that the freaks really do come out at night
• Gained about 10 pounds
• Instituted a self-imposed shopping moratorium which lasted for two months
• Yes, that means no new shoes either
• Got the DT's and realized that the first step is admitting that I have a problem
• I am addicted to shoes
• Spent time with my kids
• Had a kick ass Fourth of July Party in June
• Spent a lot of time outside
• Did not dance on a bar
• Not once
• Realized that if you are unhappy in life, YOU are the only person who can change that
• With the support of your family of course
• Started Kickboxing again
• Threatened to cut off my instructor's balls with an X-acto knife

There is a whole shitload of other stuff that went on, including a lot more travel, but who really cares?

I am honestly tired.  I now understand that what I am tired of is the direction my life is taking and we are working on a plan to change that.  I know that everyone says that you are never too old to make a change, but in doing the math, I have found out that the wheels of change need to be set in motion soon or it really will be too late for me.

However, now that I know that I have my husband's support in this, we are going to start taking those steps.  I have never loved what I do as a profession.  It was something that I sort of fell into and have done very well, but I have no passion for it.  My real passion lies in another direction, but in order for me to move in that direction, I need to have a solid plan in place before I make one single move which is so totally not in my nature.  I am more of a look before you leap kind of person.  I see something I want and I go after it.  But I guess with age comes wisdom or some such horseshit, so we are now taking a step back to see if this change is even feasible at this point in our lives.

I will tell you all that this need has been in me for over a decade.  In fact, were it not for my divorce, I would have already accomplished this goal and I was well on my way over a decade ago.  Since then, I have sucked it up and done what was necessary to support not only myself, but my family.  But that ultimate desire has never wavered.  It has been put on a shelf and I have taken it down at least twice a year and played with it.  But every time I do, I swallow that desire and place it back on the shelf to gather dust for another six months.  Now, I know that when a person has something that they have wanted, no yearned for, for over ten years that you will never be truly happy until you do something about it.

At this point in time, I am not going into specifics because I still don't know if we can make the changes in our lives that it would take to move forward.  And I am really scared about that.  Because I really, really want to make those changes.  It would mean not only completely turning our lives upside down, but it would also be a very long trip.  One that would see my oldest child into high school and my youngest into grade school.  Our whole family would need to make adjustments in order to compensate my goals and it is extremely difficult to ask them to do that.  Of course I could keep putting it off, but it would never happen that way and I am even more afraid that it would then fester inside of me and breed resentment.  As a parent, it is important to always think of your family and what is best for them.

So, I am all tangled up in knots about what to do.  We have discussed these steps before, but this is actually the first time that we have really started creating a plan to take the steps.  And I am so scared that if we go forward and make a misstep that I will ruin lives in the process...

So here I am doing what I do best and rambling on about something that I can't really talk about in direct terms yet.  And while the flow of words helps, it really doesn't allow me to make any concrete conclusions other than the fact that I am really freaking tired and should probably go to bed right now.