Emotional

I have been super emotional lately.  It's easily explained and understandable considering the fact that pretty much everything in my life has changed.  

The most important thing is that I continue to tell myself that it's OK to cry.  I hate crying.  I don't lean on other people or look outside of myself for support.  But tonight, I did just that.  I called a friend.  A great, wonderful, loving friend who was sooooo there for me.  Just to listen and tell me that I am a good person and that I do deserve good things in life and that it's OK to be sad right now.  

Surprisingly enough, I'm not that angry.  Maybe that will come later.  Ok, scratch that, I am angry, but I'm trying to not let it overtake me.  My main emotion right now is sadness and hurt.  And self-loathing.  I have never really let that many people get close to me and now I feel like a fool because I did let someone in and they have almost destroyed me.  Someone I thought was my best friend turned out to be anything but a friend.  

So now, I feel like I am starting all over.  Again.  For the umpteenth time.  And I have to seriously ask myself how much of this is my fault because I opened myself up to being hurt.  Knowingly.  I honestly knew that there was a good chance that things would end up the way they did.  It's like the story of the Frog and the Scorpion.  The scorpion promises not to sting the frog if he takes him across the river, but halfway across, he stings him anyway.  Because THAT IS WHAT A SCORPION DOES!!!!  And I got stung.  I knew I would get stung.  

So now, I just have to get the venom out.  It is going to take a long time because I was stung over and over and over again.  Like a fool.  Like the stupid frog who died.  But I love frogs.  They are actually some of my favorite creatures.  They learn how to adapt to their environments and blend in to protect themselves from predators.  

So I am going to learn to be more like the frog, without the trusting nature in the fable.  I will learn how to blend into my environment.  I will try to heal and to move on, because I have gotten through worse things than this.  Not many, but I think I can do it.  

And the next time I see a scorpion, I will crush it under my 4 inch stilettos.