Dancing With the Devil

Sharing something as personal as an illness brings to light quite a few things.  One is that this has helped me in ways I never thought it would.  Other people have responded and e-mailed me with their stories.  They understand what I have been going through in a way that no one else can.  When you have something like a seizure disorder, the effects aren't always visible.  Most people don't even try to look beneath the surface to see what is going on with you.  That's when a lot of the problems start.  At least that's how my story goes.

My seizures have been yo-yoing back and forth for the last four years, for whatever reason.  I have spent time in and out of hospitals and doctors' offices trying to figure out the right combination of medication and therapy.  But nothing has really seemed to help.  The majority of my seizures are stress-induced and I have been under a lot of pressure for quite a while now.

Things came to a head this last month or so.  My medication was changed so many times that the various amounts of different drugs running through my system caused a major functional meltdown in both my body and my mind.  It's hard to explain to someone what that feels like, and I can't really other than it felt like my body was taken over by someone who wasn't me anymore.

I am normally a very outgoing, happy, fun person.  Sure I have my moments, but who doesn't?  But in the last few months, I have alternated between barely normal and something tantamount to Sybil.  And this was not something I could control.  Looking back, if I had the right people around me, or I talked to someone who really cared about what was going on with me, I could have gotten the help that I needed.  But I was afraid of changing the status quo.  I certainly didn't want to end up back in the hospital, which is what happened, so I said nothing.  Instead, my behavior became more erratic.  This was from a combination of things happening in my personal life and the medication I was taking which turns out was not so good for me.

Eventually things came to a head a week and a half ago now.  I ended up back in the hospital - twice.  My medication was totally out of control.  I was out of control.  I didn't even know what I was doing half of the time and the other half, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never wake up again.  That's what this THING does to me.  And unfortunately for me, I was relying on someone who was incapable of helping me and instead made my situation worse.

When I finally reached out - to the right group of people - albeit almost too late, I finally ended up exactly where I needed to be.  And I am sitting here, typing this, with tears rolling down my face as I realize just how badly the situation could have ended.  I could have died.  The amount of drugs running through my system could put down a 300 pound linebacker.  Fortunately for me, I was used to it, so I survived.

Now I want to move past survival.  I know I will get through this.  And while each day gets a little bit better and easier, I don't want the JUST survive.  I want to thrive.  I want to be that mother, sister, daughter and friend that I have been in the past.  I want to know that I am worthy of someone who wants to care for me and take care of me the way that I need.  I want to be able to put my trust in someone without the fear of being hurt again.  And I will.  Because if I don't, then the devil wins.  And I'm done dancing with him.

Gaining Weight

For most people in our society, there is an obsession with being thin.  Losing weight is a major goal in a lot of lives.  But to what extent are we willing to go to do so?  Fad diets?  Weight loss challenges?  Unused gym memberships?  Starvation?  Bulimia?  There are so many quick fix options out there for people.

I, unfortunately, am on the other end of the spectrum.  Because of my medication and illness, I literally have an almost impossible time eating.  I try to force myself to eat, but it's harder than most people think.  And the very unfunny thing is that I just weighed myself for the first time in a very long time and I am unhealthily thin.  I have always looked like I am about 10 pounds lighter than I really am, but I am also a little taller than average, so now I look gaunt.  My clothes hang off of me.  And while there are a lot of women out there who WANT to look like this, I do not.

I want to look healthy.  Thin?  Yes.  Emaciated?  No.  A lot of this also comes from the personal stress I have been put under as well.  I thought being confined to a loving and safe environment would relieve some of my stress and while I have good moments, the bad ones are by far still outweighing the good.  I tried to watch a romantic comedy last night and literally broke down.  So the stress is still getting to me.  I am still having seizures, but they are getting better.  Less frequent and not as debilitating.

The one solace that I do have is in my work.  I am able to focus on my career and this is a very strong plus in the positive category.  But even while working, I still have all of these jumbles of emotions rolling around in my semi-functioning brain.  There is still a lot of hurt and pain to work through.

People keep telling me that I am strong, but I don't feel that way.  I feel weak and overwhelmed.  I feel like my life has gone on a ninety degree hairpin turn and I don't know what is waiting for me around the corner.

Some days, I just want to wake up and realize that the last month was all a bad dream and go back to the way things were before.  But that can't happen.  And through speaking with those closest to me, I have realized that the before was ALL A LIE.  That I was used and betrayed and that it almost killed me.  Literally.

So now, I am still focusing on myself.  I made a Visalus shake this morning for protein and energy.  I am going to try and start a regimen in order to get healthy the right way and gain weight.

At least, I'd like to get my booty back!!!!

Can I get an Amen?

Not Knowing What Comes Next

I'll admit, I am a little bit obsessive with planning.  Which is why, at this phase in my life, not knowing what is going to come next makes me anxious. 

But there are certain things I know to be true, so I hold on to those and try and let everything else go.

1. I have people who love and care about me
2. I will get better
3. I am working on myself
4. I am focused on my career
5. My health has become a priority for me
6. I have time.  Time away to heal and think and plan for the future
7. I have AMAZING children who love and cherish me almost as much as I love and cherish them
8. I am going to focus on being positive
9. I am going to let the hurt seep away until it becomes a distant memory and not an every day reminder of betrayal
10. I am going to try to write something every day because I know it helps me even if it is drivel and nonsense most of the time
11. I will not give in to the demons that are eating away at me
12. I will reach out to people when I need help
13. Thirteen is a nice number to end on and I don't have anything else to say

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me and been so supportive.  Most of you don't even realize the horrors of the last month, but your words of encouragement and love have helped more than you can ever know.

Autumn

Not Finding My Anger

I know that in the past I have sometimes presented myself as somewhat acerbic and sarcastic.  But deep down inside, I really am a kind and gentle person.  That's why this last month has been so hard on me.  I was hurt and let down by people that I deeply love and then somehow the blame was cast back onto me.

I sometimes think that if I had a "real" illness - one that people could see - that things would be different.  But I don't and they aren't.  If I had cancer or a broken leg or something that someone could look at and say "yes, I get it" that they would understand.  But what I have isn't visible unless you are watching me have a seizure.  And the medication issue was so bad that I didn't even appear to be my normal self. 

But instead of being there for me, some people just walked away.  Not just that, but devastated me with their cruelty and callousness.  I now know who really loves me and who was just using me.

Today I was told that I am angry.  But the truth is, I am not.  What I am is hurt that I could so misjudge some of the people in my life.  That I was tricked and lied to and used in a manner so that someone could gain something.  I was treated with disregard when I was at my lowest point and then someone took a hammer to me and shattered what little strength I had left.

No.  I am not angry.  I am broken.  I am hurting.  I am torn inside.  I am shaky and frustrated and utterly and completely distraught.  But I am strong.  When a glass breaks, you can always melt it down and reshape it into something stronger.  Something better and more beautiful than it was before it was broken.

I am looking for strength.  I am finding out how to heal and love myself and do things for me again.  Because I don't really want to find my anger.  I want to find my compassion.  I want to find my happiness and joy.  I want to breathe and not feel like I am inhaling glass every time I do so.

I have made a promise to myself, my family and my loved ones.  To get better.  And I will.  Every day brings to light new information that makes it a little bit easier to get through the day.

I have found solace and comfort in those that care the most about me.  I know that I am a kind, giving person who will do anything for someone that I love and I will not let this last mistake change that. 

I will smile and laugh again.  I will work hard at my career.  I will make new friends and eventually meet new people.  And I will still trust.  Because if I stop trusting and having faith then the evil that was in my life wins and I'm not going to let it win.

Love,
Autumn

One Day at a Time

The last few days have been so crazy. I have a whirlwind of emotions swirling around inside of me. One thing I can truly say is that I am not happy yet. I know it takes time and effort and if anyone can do it, that person is me, but I still feel numb most of the time.

I left home to heal. To gain strength and feel like myself again. But I don't. Not yet.

I was invited to leave the island with some friends last night to attend an event. I even went so far as to go find something to wear. But in the two hours we were shopping, I felt like my head was going to explode if I didn't get out of the place we were in. I just ended up frustrated and scared and confused.

By the time we got back, I had already decided not to go. There is no way I wanted to be around a huge crowd of people right now. I can feel them pressing in on me, sucking all of the oxygen out of the space I am in. So instead, I took a nap. I watched a movie. I went back to bed.

I'm still having nightmares. I wake up in the middle of the night and reach next to me, only to realize that my comfort, my whole world has disappeared. And then I start to cry. Sometimes the tears just stream down my cheeks as I remember what is now my reality. Sometimes my body is wracked with sobs. But always, I remember. I see. The visual evidence of the last few weeks is etched into my retinas. I see it when I wake up. It keeps me from sleeping at night.

And it hurts. The pain is almost unbearable at times. Sometimes, I blame myself. But I realize that it isn't my fault. What happened to me. All of it. None of it. The people who care about me didn't really see the signs either. I knew something was wrong. In my heart, in my head, I just knew. In all aspects of my life.

But this changes nothing. All I can do is take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I know, inside, that I am a good person. She's still in there.

I pray. For strength. For the ability to forgive. For my children and my family. For my health and well being. For the nightmares to stop. But I don't pray for the ability to wake up and realize this has all been a dream. Because that will never happen.

Yesterday morning I woke up. I went for a run. I did yoga on the beach. Today I can feel it in my body. The solid proof that I am doing something to recover. Maybe I will just stay in my cocoon for the next two weeks. I don't know how this process is supposed to work. But little by little, I am making an effort. For myself first. For everyone else second. The way it should be.

But I am taking it one day at a time.

An Invisible Disease

It's funny in a psychotically perspective sort of way that I'm sitting on airplane flying to what most people would consider paradise after the hell that I've put everyone who cares about me through over the last week. Ok. To be honest, it is an island paradise, but I'm not really there for the paradise part. I'm there to heal. To become whole again. To get back that fun loving, carefree girl that I used to be once upon a time. Before the seizures and doctors and countless tests and drugs.

My good Lord the drugs. As they say, but for the grace of God go I. Since I started having seizures I've been diagnosed, misdiagnosed, rediagnosed and multi-diagnosed. I've endured what many other people with an invisible disease have endured. But instead of relying on the internal strength that I know I have, I let the disease take me over. I worked with several doctors. All of whom seemed to have a different cocktail for me to take to help. Let me fill you in on a little secret - none of them helped. At least not in the long run. What they ended up doing was messing with my head, my heart and my soul. I couldn't live without the benzos because I have stress induced seizures. But the more seizures I had, the more pills I took. Until this last month when my medication was changed three times in five different variations.

I'm going to let that settle in a little bit for you. Because when you change any type of medication that much, the only way to describe it is a complete mind cluster fuck. I couldn't tell up from down or straight from sideways. I had a total mental and physical breakdown and literally was unable to function.

The good thing is that I'm alive. The bad is that I almost wasn't. Between everything I described and a massive betrayal by someone I thought would never, ever hurt me in the way I was hurt, I ended up in the hospital. And not voluntarily. My sisters - my three familial sisters and the three sisters of my heart stepped in. And my brother - who loves me unconditionally as well. They recognized the signs that I needed help and got it for me.

A large part of what many people don't understand is that it was not something under my control. The vast amounts of medicines floating through my brain, bloodstream and nervous system took over my body. I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't even aware of what was happening half the time. And please understand that more people than anyone knows about go through this same thing. I don't fully blame the doctors, but let's be honest. They get you in and out and with seizures it is half science half guessing. And science failed me.

But the people who really love me.... They didn't fail me. They are all working together and with me to get me whole again. So now I write this from a plane thirty thousand feet in the air flying to a private place where I can detox from the medication. I can get healthy. Gain wait - try going from a 36 D to a 32 B in two months. It's no bueno. Do yoga. Meditate. I can also focus on my work. I am lucky enough to work from anywhere for the next two weeks, so I am doing it in a safe environment.

Not everyone is religious. And I'm not a pusher. But I've been praying to my God to protect me. When you are looking at a bottle of Ambien and start thinking that it looks like a good idea, I don't care who you are. You need some Jesus in your life.

To clarify, I'm not suicidal. All the thoughts and actions were side effects of medication. Read the labels. Carefully. Because if your medicine makes you start thinking about where you want your ashes scattered, fucking call someone. Get help. Immediately. It was almost too late for me.

I know this isn't a quick fix. It won't happen overnight. Or in the next month. I'm going to take it day by day. I'm going to be the best ME I can be on a daily basis. I am not going to try. Trying is for people who plan on quitting. I will be healthy and happy and whole again. First and foremost for myself. I'm the last person I think of and I need to be first for a while. Just like in an airplane, you put your oxygen mask on first so you can help the person next to you. So it's my turn to breathe again.

Love and Peace,

Autumn

Friendsgiving

Tonight I am hosting Friendsgiving. Hells to the yeah. I am so excited I want to pee my pants.

I love Thanksgiving. The food, the people, the football, the music, the fact that my birthday and Baby Jesus' is right around the corner. The countdown to my vacation. The food. The food. The food.

OK. Maybe I am going a little bit overboard on the food, but I don't fuckingthinkso. I adore cooking. Especially for a large group of people. And this year, I will have about a dozen people crammed into my tiny condo. We will be laughing and eating and drinking and listening to music. But most of all, we will be eating. Below is a list of what I am making for tonight's Friendsgiving dinner:

• Turkey - this little fellow cost more a pound than gas does a gallon. He was hand fed vegetarian food, free-range raised and I think they tucked him in at night on a golden fucking blanket. But I really believe in making an effort to feed my friends and family a more organic meal, so Bob Marley better fucking be worth it! More on the name later.
• Gravy - this is the nectar of the gods. Gravy makes anything better. Try it. Gravy on meat, vegetables, ice cream, pudding. You name it. I make it from scratch from the turkey juices and slow simmer it for over an hour.
• Stuffing - Or dressing depending what part of the country you're from. I make this as well. That stove top stuff freaks me out. But I will let you in on a little secret. I don't like it and I will only eat it if it's super duper crunchy. And covered in gravy.
• Mashed Potatoes - non lumpy!!!! People in the midwest seem to pride themselves on lumpy potatoes. They use this strange hand tool called a ricer (which would make more sense if it were used on rice) to smoosh and smash their taters until the are the consistency of wet dog food. Gross. I peeled 10 pounds of potatoes last night and if there is a lump in them, I will shank the first person who points it out. I have a secret family trick that makes them very creamy. And we put gravy all over them.
• Sweet Potatoes - can't stand 'em. But I am making a shitload. I don't mash these. I slice them up and candy them with a ton of butter and brown sugar. Then I put the little marshmallows on top.
• Green Bean Casserole - I might be the only person in my family who actually likes it. But fuck you all because I am making dinner, so we are having it damn it. However, since I LOATH mushrooms and refuse to eat them, I use cream of celery soup in it instead. Try it. It's better that way. Gospel.
• Butternut Squash Casserole - this shit is gold. A legend in my family. I have never met a person who doesn't love it. It's almost like a desert. It takes forever to make, but it's totally worth it. My family is so jealous that I don't ship it out to them every holiday. E-mail me if you want the recipe. It's sick!!!!
• Asparagus - I guess you have to have something that's not full of cream or sugar. So I roast it. But them I put gravy on it. Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Gravy.
• Cranberries - This is the only thing that I don't make pretty much from scratch. I love this crap from a can. In fact, I leave the little ripples in it from the side of the can and just serve the whole lump on a plate.
  
• Appetizers - fresh fruit with homemade dip, veggies and dip, veggie pizza and hummus and pita. I like to make sure there is plenty of food.
  
• Champagne - I always drink champagne when I am cooking on the holidays. It makes me feel special. Especially the cheap shit.

So, I'm sure I forgot some stuff, but you get the idea.

Now on to the turkey. We name our turkey every year. It's tradition. And usually something completely un-PC. So this year we named him Bob Marley. We even have a rasta dread hat for him and everything. And he has his own theme song - "No turkey, no cry. Noooooooo turkey, no cry."

I'm sure there will be plenty of one-liners after tonight.

And yes, I am aware that TOMORROW is Thanksgiving. But tonight is Friendsgiving and I am so thankful for everything that my friends and family have done for me this year.

Smooches!!!!

Autumn