Not Finding My Anger

I know that in the past I have sometimes presented myself as somewhat acerbic and sarcastic.  But deep down inside, I really am a kind and gentle person.  That's why this last month has been so hard on me.  I was hurt and let down by people that I deeply love and then somehow the blame was cast back onto me.

I sometimes think that if I had a "real" illness - one that people could see - that things would be different.  But I don't and they aren't.  If I had cancer or a broken leg or something that someone could look at and say "yes, I get it" that they would understand.  But what I have isn't visible unless you are watching me have a seizure.  And the medication issue was so bad that I didn't even appear to be my normal self. 

But instead of being there for me, some people just walked away.  Not just that, but devastated me with their cruelty and callousness.  I now know who really loves me and who was just using me.

Today I was told that I am angry.  But the truth is, I am not.  What I am is hurt that I could so misjudge some of the people in my life.  That I was tricked and lied to and used in a manner so that someone could gain something.  I was treated with disregard when I was at my lowest point and then someone took a hammer to me and shattered what little strength I had left.

No.  I am not angry.  I am broken.  I am hurting.  I am torn inside.  I am shaky and frustrated and utterly and completely distraught.  But I am strong.  When a glass breaks, you can always melt it down and reshape it into something stronger.  Something better and more beautiful than it was before it was broken.

I am looking for strength.  I am finding out how to heal and love myself and do things for me again.  Because I don't really want to find my anger.  I want to find my compassion.  I want to find my happiness and joy.  I want to breathe and not feel like I am inhaling glass every time I do so.

I have made a promise to myself, my family and my loved ones.  To get better.  And I will.  Every day brings to light new information that makes it a little bit easier to get through the day.

I have found solace and comfort in those that care the most about me.  I know that I am a kind, giving person who will do anything for someone that I love and I will not let this last mistake change that. 

I will smile and laugh again.  I will work hard at my career.  I will make new friends and eventually meet new people.  And I will still trust.  Because if I stop trusting and having faith then the evil that was in my life wins and I'm not going to let it win.

Love,
Autumn