Learning to Let Go

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me.  I had two seizures and really felt emotional and upset about everything that has happened.  But I had the strength to push through it.  I will be stronger than this illness and I will get better. 

My girlfriend had a "Come to Jesus" talk with me yesterday.  She told me the things I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear which is what I needed at the time.  And between my thoughts and that conversation, I know that I have to let go of a lot of things in my life.

• Guilt - over my illness.  Over what could have been.  Over other peoples' actions.  All of it.
• My feelings of inadequacy - I am good enough.  I didn't deserve what happened to me.  I am worthy of love.  I deserve to have people in my life who truly care for me and take care of me.
• People - those who add stress to my life.  The ones who hurt me.  The ones who don't care enough to be there for me.  Anyone who doesn't make me a better person.
• Hopelessness - There are people who care about me.  There is hope.  I have people that I can talk to who understand and care.
• False Ideology - There are people out there who can't or won't be anything more than they are.  And I can't change that.  There is no hope for them in my life.  They will never change or be any better than they have to be, so it's better for me not to have them in my life because they cause me stress and pain.

But there are also a lot of wonderful things in my life.  Friends, family, children, my fat-ass ninja cat.  A great company that I work for which is very understanding and caring to me and has been so helpful through all of my problems. 

Also?  I ventured out again yesterday with D to go see a movie.  And I actually laughed.  A lot.  And then we went to Serendipity, where I proceeded to eat more in one sitting than I have in the last month and was S-I-C-K as hell because of it.  I am also sure that I am carrying around a food baby and I had my tubes tied.  Oh well.  Maybe when I give birth to it, the doctors will give me an epidural.

Love,
Autumn