I miss my children. With everything I have inside of me, I miss them. I am upset and frustrated that to have something so horrible, a medical condition, perverted in a way that will keep my children from me is unfathomable. What I went through was like walking through the fires of hell. But I came out of it. With the love and support of many friends and family and the prayers of people I don't even know, I made it through.
Now I need even more support, because I am battling for my children. There is no reason that I can see, why we can't all work together to overcome this situation. I can certainly understand why there was concern, because I was in the hospital and my medication was so messed up that even I didn't know what was going on at the time. But not now. To do this is hurting two children who love their mother and want to be with her.
I am doing everything I can do to be the best person I can be. The amount of pain that I feel, knowing that I have to fight just to be with my two precious children is indescribable. As a mother, I may not be perfect - who is? - but I am the best mom I can be to my kids. I love them with every ounce of love I have inside of me. I tell them every single day that I love them. That I am proud of them. That I want to be with them.
I don't write these things for other people to read as my first priority. I write, at this point in my life, not to entertain, but as a way of expressing all of my emotions and feelings. This is something that I know how to do and it helps me. I am thankful that I have this ability to put down into words what is going on inside of my head and what I am feeling in my heart.
In my opinion, your heart is not just an organ that pumps blood throughout your body. It is a place inside of your soul that frees you from the confines of the world and allows you to love and care and hurt and feel. Right now my heart is hurting. There are parts of me that feel guilty because of an illness that I wasn't able to control, because that is really what opened the door to a lot of the pain I am going through. But I know that God never gives you more than you can handle and through faith and love and hope and a lot of support, I will get through this as well.
I am not a drug addict. I am not an alcoholic. I am not abusive to my children. I am a mother who will fight with everything I have not only to overcome my illness, which I have had for over a decade and has never kept me from caring for my children, but to overcome these other obstacles that are keeping me from being with them right now.
I have faith that there is a plan for my life and that by taking control of the situation, I am using the intelligence and strength that I have been given to turn my heart from one that is hurting to one that is joyful.
Please keep my in your thoughts, prayers, wishes, whatever you believe in.
Love,
Autumn
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
Not Gonna Break Me
I know I haven't written in a while, but that's because I have been hit time after time in the last week with some of the most horrible things that I have ever had to experience. And I am saying this right now - IT WILL NOT BREAK ME!!!!
I found out that my exes went for emergency custody of my children while I was out of town and didn't tell me until the day before I was to return. All of this is complete and utter nonsense because I am a great mother. I love my children. They are my life and my heart and soul and the very reason why I am who I am today. I think that to take advantage of my illness like this is below the bottom of the barrel and since then I have had to retain an attorney for both cases. Even more ridiculous is the fact that this could have all been settled without lawyers, since I have proof that everything that happened to me was caused by my medication and that it is straightened out now.
When I went away, it was the right thing for me to do and I was even encouraged to go by their fathers. I needed time and after getting out of the hospital it seemed like the best decision I could make, especially since I have worked with both of them in the past on rearranging schedules on both sides to accommodate vacations and time out of town. So now I feel like they waited until I couldn't do anything about the situation and then they struck. But that's OK, because I am confident that I will prevail and that as much as this is hurting not only me, but even more so, my children, we will be reunited soon. It just can't come soon enough for me or for them. Especially since my son tells me every day on the phone that he is sad and all he wants to do is be with me and see me and hug me and kiss me.
To make matters even worse, I had to deal with the loss of my precious Butter. My awesome ninja cat who was the coolest animal alive. I found out that due to the dry weather, somehow, my inside cat - who hated grass touching his feet - got fleas and when I returned, I found his body. This too was another blow considering how much we all loved him. I will be writing about him more later. But needless to say, that was yet another hit.
I have also had to deal with a car that is less than a year old needing to go into the shop, finding an attorney, working, dealing with the pest problem at my condo, seeing my doctor to straighten out my medication and getting healthy. Any of these things is enough to break someone. Put them all together in the span of a week and even the strongest human would be hurting. And I am hurting. But I will be fine. I will be better than fine, I will be me again.
I am happier and healthier and more optimistic than I have been in quite a while, even with all of the hits I have taken. I have a positive support group and people who love me and care about me and want good things for me. I have people all over the world praying for me and thinking of me and trying to help. So while I am sad and upset and definitely feel blindsided with this custody issue, I am not going to give up or quit. Especially not on the two most important people in my life.
I have made a home for them and for me. I have worked hard all of my life to overcome difficulties and be a strong person and I will continue to have the can-do attitude that will get me through these days as well. The strength and support that I have been shown has been amazing. I will not let my friends down. I will not let my loved ones down. Most importantly, I will not let myself or my children down. Yes I have an illness, but it is no different that any other one. I am better every day. I am strong.
Nothing can break me.
Love,
Autumn
I found out that my exes went for emergency custody of my children while I was out of town and didn't tell me until the day before I was to return. All of this is complete and utter nonsense because I am a great mother. I love my children. They are my life and my heart and soul and the very reason why I am who I am today. I think that to take advantage of my illness like this is below the bottom of the barrel and since then I have had to retain an attorney for both cases. Even more ridiculous is the fact that this could have all been settled without lawyers, since I have proof that everything that happened to me was caused by my medication and that it is straightened out now.
When I went away, it was the right thing for me to do and I was even encouraged to go by their fathers. I needed time and after getting out of the hospital it seemed like the best decision I could make, especially since I have worked with both of them in the past on rearranging schedules on both sides to accommodate vacations and time out of town. So now I feel like they waited until I couldn't do anything about the situation and then they struck. But that's OK, because I am confident that I will prevail and that as much as this is hurting not only me, but even more so, my children, we will be reunited soon. It just can't come soon enough for me or for them. Especially since my son tells me every day on the phone that he is sad and all he wants to do is be with me and see me and hug me and kiss me.
To make matters even worse, I had to deal with the loss of my precious Butter. My awesome ninja cat who was the coolest animal alive. I found out that due to the dry weather, somehow, my inside cat - who hated grass touching his feet - got fleas and when I returned, I found his body. This too was another blow considering how much we all loved him. I will be writing about him more later. But needless to say, that was yet another hit.
I have also had to deal with a car that is less than a year old needing to go into the shop, finding an attorney, working, dealing with the pest problem at my condo, seeing my doctor to straighten out my medication and getting healthy. Any of these things is enough to break someone. Put them all together in the span of a week and even the strongest human would be hurting. And I am hurting. But I will be fine. I will be better than fine, I will be me again.
I am happier and healthier and more optimistic than I have been in quite a while, even with all of the hits I have taken. I have a positive support group and people who love me and care about me and want good things for me. I have people all over the world praying for me and thinking of me and trying to help. So while I am sad and upset and definitely feel blindsided with this custody issue, I am not going to give up or quit. Especially not on the two most important people in my life.
I have made a home for them and for me. I have worked hard all of my life to overcome difficulties and be a strong person and I will continue to have the can-do attitude that will get me through these days as well. The strength and support that I have been shown has been amazing. I will not let my friends down. I will not let my loved ones down. Most importantly, I will not let myself or my children down. Yes I have an illness, but it is no different that any other one. I am better every day. I am strong.
Nothing can break me.
Love,
Autumn
Sunday, July 29, 2012
My Tomorrow
I will be in my own home tomorrow. Unfortunately, I may not be able to stay there as I found out while I was gone that I desperately need an exterminator because my home was infested while I was away. And the shit storm keeps pouring down on me.
So I woke up this morning crying. I know it's not because I am leaving, nor is it because I have to straighten out many of my affairs when I return. No, it is because my heart is in pain. Still. Some days are better, some are not so great. Yesterday I had another seizure. It frustrates me, because I still do not have control of my own body though I try so very hard every day to be able to do so. But my life has not been a bad dream out of which I can wake to sunlight and rainbows.
I know that I have vowed to take things one day at a time, but knowing that I may not have a place to go to pains me because out of all, it is my home. It is the place I made with my children. I have had happy times there. I realize that I am being quite maudlin and that I will get everything straightened out eventually, but I had thought that I would always have someone to turn to in my time of need and while my friends and family are so dear to my heart, most are so very far away from me.
Sometimes I think that I make people out to be more than they are and when they let me down, it adds to my devastation. But really, that is my fault, because there are people out there who are only capable of limited things. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, not everyone is equipped to handle the bad in life. Some people are only able to stay for a while. When things are good. But when life gets tough, and you are in a world of hurt, that's when you know who really loves you. Who helps you pick yourself up and get back on your feet? Who hugs you when you cry and sits with you in the quiet just so you can let yourself breath again? Those are the people whom I want in my life.
I very much appreciate all of the positive notes and kind words of encouragement that I have received. Being sick isn't just about getting better. I may never get better. I know I will most likely have this illness for the rest of my life. Being sick is about learning how to handle what is thrown at you every day and coming out stronger for it. Today, right now, I feel weak. In part, because I know I am returning half-healed. But it comes and goes and right now, writing about it is the only thing I know how to do to help myself.
One of the things I do want to say is that if I have hurt ANYONE because of what has happened in the last month, I will apologize and ask them for forgiveness. Even though I could not help what was going on in my mind or body, there are people who do not understand that and may feel let down by me. I am not an intentionally cruel person. In fact, I usually go out of my way to not hurt others, but I am sincerely sorry for any stress or pain that I have cause my family and friends.
I was joking around about using a new picture my friend took of me on a dating profile, but the truth is that while I never underestimate the power of the universe to take my life in a new direction, I am mainly focused on three things: myself, my children and my career. Everything else will come after.
I also know what I don't want out of life. Now it's time for me to figure out what I do want and how to get it.
Love,
Autumn
So I woke up this morning crying. I know it's not because I am leaving, nor is it because I have to straighten out many of my affairs when I return. No, it is because my heart is in pain. Still. Some days are better, some are not so great. Yesterday I had another seizure. It frustrates me, because I still do not have control of my own body though I try so very hard every day to be able to do so. But my life has not been a bad dream out of which I can wake to sunlight and rainbows.
I know that I have vowed to take things one day at a time, but knowing that I may not have a place to go to pains me because out of all, it is my home. It is the place I made with my children. I have had happy times there. I realize that I am being quite maudlin and that I will get everything straightened out eventually, but I had thought that I would always have someone to turn to in my time of need and while my friends and family are so dear to my heart, most are so very far away from me.
Sometimes I think that I make people out to be more than they are and when they let me down, it adds to my devastation. But really, that is my fault, because there are people out there who are only capable of limited things. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, not everyone is equipped to handle the bad in life. Some people are only able to stay for a while. When things are good. But when life gets tough, and you are in a world of hurt, that's when you know who really loves you. Who helps you pick yourself up and get back on your feet? Who hugs you when you cry and sits with you in the quiet just so you can let yourself breath again? Those are the people whom I want in my life.
I very much appreciate all of the positive notes and kind words of encouragement that I have received. Being sick isn't just about getting better. I may never get better. I know I will most likely have this illness for the rest of my life. Being sick is about learning how to handle what is thrown at you every day and coming out stronger for it. Today, right now, I feel weak. In part, because I know I am returning half-healed. But it comes and goes and right now, writing about it is the only thing I know how to do to help myself.
One of the things I do want to say is that if I have hurt ANYONE because of what has happened in the last month, I will apologize and ask them for forgiveness. Even though I could not help what was going on in my mind or body, there are people who do not understand that and may feel let down by me. I am not an intentionally cruel person. In fact, I usually go out of my way to not hurt others, but I am sincerely sorry for any stress or pain that I have cause my family and friends.
I was joking around about using a new picture my friend took of me on a dating profile, but the truth is that while I never underestimate the power of the universe to take my life in a new direction, I am mainly focused on three things: myself, my children and my career. Everything else will come after.
I also know what I don't want out of life. Now it's time for me to figure out what I do want and how to get it.
Love,
Autumn
Friday, July 27, 2012
My Visit with Pooh
I spent time with my grandmother yesterday. I call her Pooh. It's something only I call her and I think she finds it quite amusing. She is a remarkable woman. Strong, fiery, independent and fierce, I hope that some of her fighting spirit rubbed off on me during our visit.
You see Pooh was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer a few months ago. While some people in my family were pulling their hair and gnashing their teeth, she calmly decided that she was going to figure out how to live. She went with the most aggressive form of chemotherapy and said that you didn't get rid of cancer by throwing marshmallows at it. That's the kind of woman she is.
She also decided to get a puppy. And not just any ordinary puppy, but one that there is a waiting list for and it is in another state. One that won't be ready until Labor Day. That's foresight and planning and just plain pissing in the face of what's going on in her body. There are some people who think that's crazy, I think it's awesome. And she showed me the picture of the puppies who were just born a week ago. She has her pick of three, so she's now trying to decided which one she wants. She is also making a bed for it and my uncle's puppy which he is getting at the same time.
During our visit we talked a lot about everything that has been going on in my family for the last few years. We talked of my children, my illness, her therapy and a ton of other stuff. But most importantly we spoke of forgiveness. When she walked me to the door to say goodbye, she squeezed me tight, looked me in the eyes and said: "don't you worry about anyone else. You focus on forgiving yourself and everything else will come in time."
I drove away with tears in my eyes. Because she was right. This whole time, while I had been working through my mind thissituation, it never occurred to me that I have been blaming myself. But I have. For so many things. For letting other people down. For being sick and not being able to control it. For turning into someone I don't even know anymore because of that lack of control. For so many things.
So now I am working on forgiving myself for all of the blame I place on my own shoulders. The pain I feel inside for failing everyone in my life. The embarrassment of my illness and the failure of personal relationships in my life.
I am trying to be the best me I can be. And when I am good, I am very, very good. So I will focus on that. I will no longer take on more than I am capable of and feel like a failure when it doesn't work. I am a strong, confident woman and I will come back better than ever.
Love,
Autumn
You see Pooh was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer a few months ago. While some people in my family were pulling their hair and gnashing their teeth, she calmly decided that she was going to figure out how to live. She went with the most aggressive form of chemotherapy and said that you didn't get rid of cancer by throwing marshmallows at it. That's the kind of woman she is.
She also decided to get a puppy. And not just any ordinary puppy, but one that there is a waiting list for and it is in another state. One that won't be ready until Labor Day. That's foresight and planning and just plain pissing in the face of what's going on in her body. There are some people who think that's crazy, I think it's awesome. And she showed me the picture of the puppies who were just born a week ago. She has her pick of three, so she's now trying to decided which one she wants. She is also making a bed for it and my uncle's puppy which he is getting at the same time.
During our visit we talked a lot about everything that has been going on in my family for the last few years. We talked of my children, my illness, her therapy and a ton of other stuff. But most importantly we spoke of forgiveness. When she walked me to the door to say goodbye, she squeezed me tight, looked me in the eyes and said: "don't you worry about anyone else. You focus on forgiving yourself and everything else will come in time."
I drove away with tears in my eyes. Because she was right. This whole time, while I had been working through my mind thissituation, it never occurred to me that I have been blaming myself. But I have. For so many things. For letting other people down. For being sick and not being able to control it. For turning into someone I don't even know anymore because of that lack of control. For so many things.
So now I am working on forgiving myself for all of the blame I place on my own shoulders. The pain I feel inside for failing everyone in my life. The embarrassment of my illness and the failure of personal relationships in my life.
I am trying to be the best me I can be. And when I am good, I am very, very good. So I will focus on that. I will no longer take on more than I am capable of and feel like a failure when it doesn't work. I am a strong, confident woman and I will come back better than ever.
Love,
Autumn
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
How Well Do You Know Me
As a general rule, I think that if you are in a relationship with someone, whether you're just friends, family or they are your significant other, those people whould be the ones that know you the best. So from now on, I am making a list of things that people, if they are interested in my life, should know about me. I'm not answering them, I am just putting them down here for posterity to see how well people really do know me in the future. It's all about making an effort to find out what makes the person you are close to tick, so to speak. If you are a part of someone's life, then you should know certain things about them that are important to them.
So here is my list:
I think 10 is enough for now. If people want to know me, they should make the effort to know those things. When I want to know someone, I make the effort. I try. I give a lot of myself to the people that I care about and I deserve the same in return.
So here is my list:
- What is my FULL name?
- What is my dream for my birthday this year?
- How many siblings do I have?
- What is my favorite song?
- What is my favorite flower?
- What is my favorite movie?
- What is my favorite book?
- What color are my eyes?
- Name three of my favorite things to do as relaxation.
- Name three things I like to do for fun.
I think 10 is enough for now. If people want to know me, they should make the effort to know those things. When I want to know someone, I make the effort. I try. I give a lot of myself to the people that I care about and I deserve the same in return.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Prayer
I am not usually very talkative about religion. I guess because I grew up in an ultra religious (complete hypocrisy) household, I became a bit withdrawn about my personal beliefs and I don't intend to get into them now. What I will do is say that I have been praying a lot. And I have been asking for a lot. And I have been hoping that my prayers are heard and answered in the RIGHT WAY. Because let's be honest. What I'm praying for might not be what is right for me.
I pray for:
I want to have a kind, open, loving heart. And I know that I can't do that until I learn to forgive. Of course, those that I need to forgive don't ask for forgiveness, but I still need to give it. I don't know when I will be able to do that, to forgive. And I know that forgiveness is a great gift. It lifts a burden off of your soul. It allows you to move on and move past the pain and the hurt and the lies. So maybe if I pray for the ability to forgive, the hurt will go away. Who knows?
The ONLY thing I know is that I am with someone who loves me unconditionally. For exactly who I am. And that one day, in time, I will find others who feel the same way about me. This, more than anything, has allowed me to be stronger and happier.
Even my coworkers and friends and family have commented on my cheerfulness today.
So I will just keep praying. And living every day.
Love,
Autumn
I pray for:
- Strength
- Wisdom
- Health
- My Children
- My Family
- My Friends
- For my heart to heal
- For forgiveness
- For the ability to forgive
- For happiness
- To be a better version of the old me
- Love
- An open heart
- Healing
- Kindness
- An understanding mind
- The ability to be successful at my career
I want to have a kind, open, loving heart. And I know that I can't do that until I learn to forgive. Of course, those that I need to forgive don't ask for forgiveness, but I still need to give it. I don't know when I will be able to do that, to forgive. And I know that forgiveness is a great gift. It lifts a burden off of your soul. It allows you to move on and move past the pain and the hurt and the lies. So maybe if I pray for the ability to forgive, the hurt will go away. Who knows?
The ONLY thing I know is that I am with someone who loves me unconditionally. For exactly who I am. And that one day, in time, I will find others who feel the same way about me. This, more than anything, has allowed me to be stronger and happier.
Even my coworkers and friends and family have commented on my cheerfulness today.
So I will just keep praying. And living every day.
Love,
Autumn
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Learning to Let Go
Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me. I had two seizures and really felt emotional and upset about everything that has happened. But I had the strength to push through it. I will be stronger than this illness and I will get better.
My girlfriend had a "Come to Jesus" talk with me yesterday. She told me the things I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear which is what I needed at the time. And between my thoughts and that conversation, I know that I have to let go of a lot of things in my life.
Also? I ventured out again yesterday with D to go see a movie. And I actually laughed. A lot. And then we went to Serendipity, where I proceeded to eat more in one sitting than I have in the last month and was S-I-C-K as hell because of it. I am also sure that I am carrying around a food baby and I had my tubes tied. Oh well. Maybe when I give birth to it, the doctors will give me an epidural.
Love,
Autumn
My girlfriend had a "Come to Jesus" talk with me yesterday. She told me the things I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear which is what I needed at the time. And between my thoughts and that conversation, I know that I have to let go of a lot of things in my life.
- Guilt - over my illness. Over what could have been. Over other peoples' actions. All of it.
- My feelings of inadequacy - I am good enough. I didn't deserve what happened to me. I am worthy of love. I deserve to have people in my life who truly care for me and take care of me.
- People - those who add stress to my life. The ones who hurt me. The ones who don't care enough to be there for me. Anyone who doesn't make me a better person.
- Hopelessness - There are people who care about me. There is hope. I have people that I can talk to who understand and care.
- False Ideology - There are people out there who can't or won't be anything more than they are. And I can't change that. There is no hope for them in my life. They will never change or be any better than they have to be, so it's better for me not to have them in my life because they cause me stress and pain.
Also? I ventured out again yesterday with D to go see a movie. And I actually laughed. A lot. And then we went to Serendipity, where I proceeded to eat more in one sitting than I have in the last month and was S-I-C-K as hell because of it. I am also sure that I am carrying around a food baby and I had my tubes tied. Oh well. Maybe when I give birth to it, the doctors will give me an epidural.
Love,
Autumn
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