Complicated

I think that sometimes, people make their lives more complicated than they need to be.  Actually, I think that MOST of the time many of the issues that we have in our daily lives come as a result of our own insecurities, weaknesses or fears.

I know, from personal experience, that I don't always take the comments of other people in the manner that they were meant to be delivered.  I allow my past experiences to color my new experiences with a dirty paintbrush.  I have been trained, Pavlovian style, to take the smallest nuance in someone's tone and twist it into something negative, fearful that whatever it is that they are saying is in some way a reflection of my inability as a person to be what they want me to be.  But as the saying goes, "I'ma be me."  

Yes, I have been writing a lot about the changes that I am making as a person and the growth that I want to achieve, but I've been writing for four years now (well three really, since I went a fucking entire year without writing because of another person, but that's a different topic) and what I have learned about my writing in that time is that I can write what I want, when I want and I really don't give a fuck all who reads it.  I love to write.  Whether I am rambling incoherently about some assjack hillbilly that lives across the street from me or I am revising my self-help mantra on a daily basis, the people who happen to click on my link looking for Sangria Recipes (most popular by the way) or are trying to live out some Hooters fetish can read whatever the hell I feel like writing.

But I am off subject now.  Shit.  How the hell does this happen?

Anyway.  Oh yeah, complications.  So I have let things become more complicated than they should in some aspects of my life.  From my own fears and worries and because my head was so messed up that I couldn't see what was right in front of my face.

One thing that I refuse to do is be a "complication" for another person.  I will not allow someone else to make me feel bad because they are too busy trying to be hard and strong and tough to see that instead of complicating their life, I could be enhancing it.  Interpersonal relationships are fraught with potential pitfalls every single freaking day.  Because?  People tend to be complicated.  It's part of our DNA makeup.  We are highly aware beings who tend to think a lot.  So when someone tells me that I am complicated or making things complicated for them, whether it is a friend, family member, my dog, the mailman, a business associate or the fly that I can't get to leave my bathroom, I tend to get a little bit pissed off.  I try my hardest to make things easier for people.  And if having me in your life stresses you out that much, then you can piss off.  I don't need it.  I have plenty of friends and people who love me and I don't need some emotionally retarded infant that I need to baby and dote on without asking for anything in return in my life.  So go get uncomplicated elsewhere.  I am a good friend and a good person and I think I would rather be called a bitch than complicated.  It's fucking redundant.  

We are all complicated.  We are all intricate.  We all have needs and wants and while some of us may try and repress our feelings, I will not be some little automaton who just walks around with an aimless smile on my face, happy to be led like a show pony.  If having feelings makes me complicated, then I will take that too, because at least I have more depth than a kiddie pool that way.

In fact, the more that I think about it, the more ticked off I am getting.  Really?  Complicated?  Do you watch the news?  Do you want to live in some cookie cutter, Edward Scissorhands world where everyone has the same house and the same job and no problems and a smile on their face every day?  That's just fucking creepy.  It freaks me out when people go all Stepford on me.  The ones who walk around smiling all day are usually the ones that have the most problems behind closed doors.  And yes, I am cynical by nature thankyouverymuch.

I really am not going anywhere with this.  Just flitting about, trying to get my thoughts together because I went out of my way today to help someone out and was insulted for the effort.  And my dad always tells me that I need to be more closed off to people.  Not as trusting.  But I do and have disagreed with him deeply about that.  If I shut myself off, or change that part of me, then I am no longer being true to who I am.  The person that I have been for most of my life.  

I went on vacation to see one of my sisters last month and she said "I finally have my sister back."  That alone is a good indicator that I am heading in the right direction and that I shouldn't change the key elements of who I am because it's the reason that the people who love me, love me.

On another note, I just found out that you can get Botox for your asshole.  That's kind of ironic when you really think about it.

Smoochies.

Autumn 

A Strong Person

A friend sent me something yesterday and part of the message was this:

A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm ok" with a smile.

It came after a pretty tough morning.  After another blow.  And it started me thinking about how I'm holding on and keeping it together.  

The answer varies.  Constantly.

Some days I seem to be OK and then there are the other days.  The days when the hits just keep on coming.  Where nothing I do seems to go right.  Where I go out of my way for other people, just to get kicked in the teeth.  The days where it feels like I will never smile or laugh again.

So when someone calls me up to see how I'm doing or texts me or e-mails me words of encouragement....  well, it just makes my day a little bit brighter.

My grandmother used to always tell me that God never gives us more than we can handle.  I'm not sure whether that's true or not, but I like to think that I can be strong enough to not only handle it, but do it with a smile through my tears.

Reach out to someone today who needs it.  Take an extra minute to just call a friend or loved one on the phone and tell them that it will be OK.  Sometimes that's all we need to make our day better.

All of my love,

A

Life Lessons

Wow!  This weekend has been a whirlwind of learning.  

First of all, I have learned that wrecking your brand new car really, really, really sucks.  Thank God I wasn't seriously injured.  I could have gotten really upset and freaked out and stayed in that state for weeks on end.  But I am not and I will not be that kind of person any longer.  Things could have ended up so much worse for me, but there is a reason that they are called accidents.  There is a reason that I pay my insurance premiums.  And there is a reason why I was in that place, at that time when I had my accident.  

I am trying to focus on the fact that the only thing that got hurt was my car, some property and my pride.  I have never been in a car accident like this before and I pray I will never be in one like it again.  I could have been seriously injured or even killed, but I had some major angels around me yesterday during the accident and a human angel around me afterwards.

Secondly, I learned that you can make friends from the oddest situations.  I mean, completely twilight zone kind of odd.  But I feel very blessed because not only was I able to make amends, but I was able to become friends with one of the most beautiful, strong people I have ever met in my life.  I hope to soak up some of this person's strength and know that I too can make it through some of my darkest times, because that is what that person did as well.  

Finally, I learned that not only am I not alone, but I am surrounded by others who have been in, or are in the same or similar situations as I am.  Because this is MY blog, I have the freedom to write about what I want when I want, but I also have a responsibility to readers who reach out to me to share their stories and I would never betray them.  What I will say is that there are quite a few people out there who have been through what I have and that validation alone gives me hope for the future.

I am sure that not all of this makes sense and I am just recapping a lot of it for my own benefit.  But if there is one thing that I hope the three people who read this take away, it is that no matter what, you can always reach out to me and I will be there for you.  I hope that you are being genuine with your problems and issues because I will certainly be genuine back to you.  I can't ever tell you what to do in your life, but I will say something very important right now:

IF YOU ARE EVER AFRAID FOR YOUR WELL BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP - GET OUT.

NOW.

DO NOT STOP AND QUESTION OR SECOND GUESS YOURSELF.  THERE IS A REASON THAT WE AS HUMANS EVOLVED INTO HIGHLY INSTINCTIVE CREATURES.  LISTEN TO THE VOICE THAT IS TELLING YOU TO RUN AND TAKE THE FUCK OFF.

On a lighter note, I had a two hour guitar lesson from my dad tonight.  It was awesome, but I am really confused.  I can, however, play a total of three chords, so it was definitely educational.

All my love,

A

Blow Job Olympics

I've recently taken to texting a friend some of the random little nuggets of insanity that pop up in my head from time to time.  No pattern, no explanation, but funny.  At least to us.

Her favorite line is "I never claimed to be a slut in this life!"  Which is a pretty funny line, but today, while driving to a baseball game, I managed to come up with one that is even better.

"If giving blow jobs was a sport, I'd be a gold medalist."

Now, I'm not saying anything about myself.  Necessarily.  I'm just saying that the thought managed to seep its way into my consciousness.

But really, when you think about it, the idea has merit.  I mean it takes talent, enthusiasm, imagination and flexibility to really pull off a good one.  In fact, a few months ago, a friend and I had the opportunity to hang out with a pretty famous comedian after one of his sets.  While we were talking the question of how to sustain a marriage came up - the friend was a newlywed.  And without missing a beat, I said "learn to love giving head."  And I meant it.  You can't look at it as something you HAVE to do.  You have to enjoy yourself.  Your partner can certainly tell the difference and it works the same for women and men.  Regardless of who is on the receiving end, if the giver isn't into it, it really doesn't work.

What do I know though?  It's not like I'm the poster girl for solid relationships, married or otherwise, but I really like the thought.  Maybe it's because I recently watched "Old School" for like the four hundred and seventy second time, but that scene with Andy Dick really stands out.  Not only is it hilarious, but it makes sense.  Learning how to please your partner should really end up pleasing you both.  And I think that anything worth doing is worth doing really, really, really well.

So where does this bring us?  I have no freaking clue.  I'm just rambling right now, trying to make sense of my upside-down world.  

Still.......  Think about it.  When was the last time that you threw yourself into anything with passion and abandon?  When was the last time you really wanted to please someone else without worrying about how you were benefiting from the act?  

Maybe these are just random life lessons for myself.  Maybe the strange things that pop into my head should really stay in my head where they belong.  But fuck it.  I remember when I started writing this blog.  It was a place for me to put those random thoughts.  I place where I could write anything I wanted and not have to worry about other people reading it and taking offense.  Right now, I could give two shits who I offend.  This is for me and about me.  And yes, it's a little hypocritical since I am talking about doing things for others selflessly, but this is still my outlet.  I stopped writing for a year.  A whole year.  Because I was afraid that I would get shit from someone else about what I was writing.  Who I was writing about.

But now, I am free.  Free to do what I want, when I want without the fear of the cycling insanity that used to be my life.  So if I want to write about blow jobs or circus clowns or marrying my cat, I will.  And nobody can stop me because I answer to two people.  Me and Jesus.  And I'm pretty sure HE has more important things to worry about than fellatio.

Good night and good lovin'.

A

My New Husband

People, I have decided.  After all of the stress and heartbreak and emotional roller coasters that I have endured in my life, I am finally getting married again.  To the most wonderful being on the planet.  Of course, until everyone has the ability to marry, it will have to be a civil union.  Not because we are gay, but because he is a cat.

That's right.  You heard me.  A cat.  A wonderful, glorious feline named Butter.  He is an orange tabby and looks like the fat version of Puss in Boots.  He has all of the qualities that I want in a man.

• He leaves me alone when I want to be left alone.
• He cuddles with me when I am sad.
• He is very clean with wonderful personal hygiene.
• He doesn't argue with me, talk back, or tell me that I am wrong.  EVER!
• He is housebroken - so no peeing on the floor - which is more than I can say about some men!!!!!!
• I don't have to support him, put him through college, treat him like a child or fulfill any sick sex fantasies.
• In fact, I don't have to have sex with him at all.
• I can bitch about my day without him interrupting me or trying to one up me with how bad HIS day was.
• He doesn't leave poop stains on my bed.
• He doesn't lie to me.
• He makes me laugh.
• He might be smarter than I am.
• He is a ninja assassin.
• He can ride a motorcycle.
• He punches dogs in their faces.  For reals yo!
• He likes all of the same music, movies and TV shows that I like and never, ever complains that he wants to watch something else.
• He doesn't hog the remote control.
• I can leave him for days at a time without having to worry about him.
• He doesn't call, text or otherwise hound me during the day.
• I can go out with my friends without him getting jealous.
• I have never caught him masturbating with my underwear.
• He has never stolen my underwear.

And most importantly - he loves me without reservation or fail.

So, until I can find a human man like Butter, I am sticking with him.

Love you,

Autumn

The Power of Forgiveness

I believe in forgiveness.  And I know that while it is sometimes a very difficult, or close to impossible, thing to do, forgiving someone really eases a burden off of your heart.  I think that there are a lot of people in my life that I need to forgive.  Not forget, but forgive, for my own sanity and sense of well being.

That said, I was recently forgiven by someone.  And I can't believe how good it feels.  I was completely wrong in my actions and someone was hurt by what I did.  For the last few months, that person has been weighing heavily on my mind and heart.  How could I, a person who prides herself on being honest and caring and good (somewhat), do what I did and not reach out and apologize?  Most people think that there are three words in the English language that are the most difficult to say - I love you - but it's really only two - I'm sorry.

Because of my last post, I have had the opportunity to apologize.  Sincerely and heartfelt.  And the beauty of it is that I was forgiven.  It's a gift.  A wonderful, beautiful gift to be able to be forgiven.  I don't know when I will be able to forgive myself for my actions in harming this person, but surely this is the first step in the process isn't it?

And if someone else, whom I have never even met, is able to forgive me for things that I have done that led to their pain, shouldn't I be able to look into my own heart and do the same for those who have hurt me?  I really don't know the answer to that yet.  All I know is that I am going to try.  Try and be the best person that I can be and not let the negativity and ignorance of other people pull me down.  Try and be as open and loving and honest as I can without letting people use me and walk all over me.  Try and look at the beauty in the world and aspire to be as beautiful as I can be as a human being.  And most definitely try and be the kind of person my children can look up to and be proud to call mom.

And my heart feels good these days.  I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off of me.  And it's such a special feeling.

Thank you to that special person who found it in their heart to say - I forgive you.  You will never know how much that means to me.

Love and Underwear

Welcome back to the wild ride that is my life.  Where nothing changes and the carousel spins faster.

I've had a lot - and I mean A LOT - of alone time lately.  I should be writing.  I should be cleaning out my refrigerator and dusting my knickknacks.  But mostly, I have spent a good portion of that time thinking.  And really being confused.  And not knowing which direction to go in.

But I think that's a good thing.  Because confusion is just one way to grow as a person.  It makes you sit back and take a hard look at your life.  To identify the myriad of mistakes that you have made and analyze them in order to not repeat them.  

Finally I have come to the conclusion that maybe I am not cut out for this love thing.  Every time, I get hurt and disappointed and used and betrayed.  And that isn't a ploy for sympathy, it is just a fact.  I end up falling for the most irresponsible, unavailable, insane and potentially sociopathic men that are out there.  I let my walls down and then BAM, I get blindsided by some bullshit.

Don't get me wrong, I am definitely not a man hater.  It just seems to me that I am a magnet for the wrong guy for me type.  I always fall for the broken or needy or counterfeit man, instead of the emotionally stable, supportive, loving man.

Point in case.  I was in a relationship that was not good for me.  By the end of our time together, I sear to God, I didn't know which way was up.  I was so confused about what was going on in my life and my feelings for that person that I couldn't see that he was slowly destroying my independence and self-esteem.  All of my emotions were tied up in HIS feelings and HIS wants and HIS needs.  I became an extension of him instead of a partner in his life.  I was so afraid of losing him that I failed to see all of the other things in my life that I lost because of him.

That is over now.  Thank God.  And do you know why?  Because he finally returned my underwear.  Real life is stranger than fiction and one day, I received a thirty pound package in the mail.  It was all of the stuff that he failed to return to me when we split up.  In that box was a bag with 43 pairs of underwear in it.  What the fuck?  Who keeps someone's underwear?  And if that sounds strange, there are so many other weird stories that I could share, but I'll leave that for another time.  But what the package allowed me to do, was to close a door on that part of my life and hopefully heal and move on to better things.

Since then, I have been able to rebuild some of the relationships that I lost because of that person with my friends and family.  I have looked at myself and found that I really like who I am as a person.  I am flawed and fucking fabulous.  I have talent and drive and determination.  I have the ability to look at people and find the good in them.  I can take mistakes and heartbreak and turn them into learning experiences.

I have also found out that I love LOVE.  The ability to take your own feelings out of the equations and just be there for another person.  For a partner, or a friend or a family member.  It doesn't have to be a romantic situation.  But love in and of itself is a thing of beauty.  Whether it's your child picking wildflowers for you, or getting frantic phone calls from your family because they haven't heard from you in 24 hours and are making sure you are still OK, the ability to love and be loved is a wonderful skill to have.

One thing I am refusing to do right now is fall in love.  I need a break from the insanity.  Because as great as it is to love someone, it is also equally as painful in my own personal experience.  If it's out there, it's out there.  If it's not, so what?  Who cares right now?  I feel no pressure to jump back into a relationship with someone just to be in a relationship.  I would rather work on the people in my life now who are important to me and be able to grow in my relationships with them.  To give more of myself to the people who matter to me like my children and my friends and family and work on my career.  I want to practice yoga, quit smoking, get in shape, learn to play the guitar, fly a plane, dance until I can't breathe, get caught in a rainstorm, feel the sun beat down on my face, cry when something makes me sad and laugh every single day.

And since this post was a bit fucking maudlin, I am going to leave you with some quips that I have come up with that make my friends laugh:

• I have never claimed to be a slut in this life!
• The %&(# clan war just went supernova.
• If we aren't in 7th grade anymore, why does your hair look like Justin Bieber's?
• You can melt anything with a hot enough flame. (not a good one, but I was a bit drunk at the time)
• w w w dot mustache rides dot com - where cougars go for a great time
• AND - my favorite - I only answer to two people in my life.  Me.  And Jesus.

I don't know if those are funny our of context, but I'm leaving them up to remind me of the times I came up with them and how much fun you can have when you let go of something that wasn't real to begin with.

All of my love!

Autumn