Complicated

I think that sometimes, people make their lives more complicated than they need to be.  Actually, I think that MOST of the time many of the issues that we have in our daily lives come as a result of our own insecurities, weaknesses or fears.

I know, from personal experience, that I don't always take the comments of other people in the manner that they were meant to be delivered.  I allow my past experiences to color my new experiences with a dirty paintbrush.  I have been trained, Pavlovian style, to take the smallest nuance in someone's tone and twist it into something negative, fearful that whatever it is that they are saying is in some way a reflection of my inability as a person to be what they want me to be.  But as the saying goes, "I'ma be me."  

Yes, I have been writing a lot about the changes that I am making as a person and the growth that I want to achieve, but I've been writing for four years now (well three really, since I went a fucking entire year without writing because of another person, but that's a different topic) and what I have learned about my writing in that time is that I can write what I want, when I want and I really don't give a fuck all who reads it.  I love to write.  Whether I am rambling incoherently about some assjack hillbilly that lives across the street from me or I am revising my self-help mantra on a daily basis, the people who happen to click on my link looking for Sangria Recipes (most popular by the way) or are trying to live out some Hooters fetish can read whatever the hell I feel like writing.

But I am off subject now.  Shit.  How the hell does this happen?

Anyway.  Oh yeah, complications.  So I have let things become more complicated than they should in some aspects of my life.  From my own fears and worries and because my head was so messed up that I couldn't see what was right in front of my face.

One thing that I refuse to do is be a "complication" for another person.  I will not allow someone else to make me feel bad because they are too busy trying to be hard and strong and tough to see that instead of complicating their life, I could be enhancing it.  Interpersonal relationships are fraught with potential pitfalls every single freaking day.  Because?  People tend to be complicated.  It's part of our DNA makeup.  We are highly aware beings who tend to think a lot.  So when someone tells me that I am complicated or making things complicated for them, whether it is a friend, family member, my dog, the mailman, a business associate or the fly that I can't get to leave my bathroom, I tend to get a little bit pissed off.  I try my hardest to make things easier for people.  And if having me in your life stresses you out that much, then you can piss off.  I don't need it.  I have plenty of friends and people who love me and I don't need some emotionally retarded infant that I need to baby and dote on without asking for anything in return in my life.  So go get uncomplicated elsewhere.  I am a good friend and a good person and I think I would rather be called a bitch than complicated.  It's fucking redundant.  

We are all complicated.  We are all intricate.  We all have needs and wants and while some of us may try and repress our feelings, I will not be some little automaton who just walks around with an aimless smile on my face, happy to be led like a show pony.  If having feelings makes me complicated, then I will take that too, because at least I have more depth than a kiddie pool that way.

In fact, the more that I think about it, the more ticked off I am getting.  Really?  Complicated?  Do you watch the news?  Do you want to live in some cookie cutter, Edward Scissorhands world where everyone has the same house and the same job and no problems and a smile on their face every day?  That's just fucking creepy.  It freaks me out when people go all Stepford on me.  The ones who walk around smiling all day are usually the ones that have the most problems behind closed doors.  And yes, I am cynical by nature thankyouverymuch.

I really am not going anywhere with this.  Just flitting about, trying to get my thoughts together because I went out of my way today to help someone out and was insulted for the effort.  And my dad always tells me that I need to be more closed off to people.  Not as trusting.  But I do and have disagreed with him deeply about that.  If I shut myself off, or change that part of me, then I am no longer being true to who I am.  The person that I have been for most of my life.  

I went on vacation to see one of my sisters last month and she said "I finally have my sister back."  That alone is a good indicator that I am heading in the right direction and that I shouldn't change the key elements of who I am because it's the reason that the people who love me, love me.

On another note, I just found out that you can get Botox for your asshole.  That's kind of ironic when you really think about it.

Smoochies.

Autumn