Friendsgiving

Tonight I am hosting Friendsgiving. Hells to the yeah. I am so excited I want to pee my pants.

I love Thanksgiving. The food, the people, the football, the music, the fact that my birthday and Baby Jesus' is right around the corner. The countdown to my vacation. The food. The food. The food.

OK. Maybe I am going a little bit overboard on the food, but I don't fuckingthinkso. I adore cooking. Especially for a large group of people. And this year, I will have about a dozen people crammed into my tiny condo. We will be laughing and eating and drinking and listening to music. But most of all, we will be eating. Below is a list of what I am making for tonight's Friendsgiving dinner:

• Turkey - this little fellow cost more a pound than gas does a gallon. He was hand fed vegetarian food, free-range raised and I think they tucked him in at night on a golden fucking blanket. But I really believe in making an effort to feed my friends and family a more organic meal, so Bob Marley better fucking be worth it! More on the name later.
• Gravy - this is the nectar of the gods. Gravy makes anything better. Try it. Gravy on meat, vegetables, ice cream, pudding. You name it. I make it from scratch from the turkey juices and slow simmer it for over an hour.
• Stuffing - Or dressing depending what part of the country you're from. I make this as well. That stove top stuff freaks me out. But I will let you in on a little secret. I don't like it and I will only eat it if it's super duper crunchy. And covered in gravy.
• Mashed Potatoes - non lumpy!!!! People in the midwest seem to pride themselves on lumpy potatoes. They use this strange hand tool called a ricer (which would make more sense if it were used on rice) to smoosh and smash their taters until the are the consistency of wet dog food. Gross. I peeled 10 pounds of potatoes last night and if there is a lump in them, I will shank the first person who points it out. I have a secret family trick that makes them very creamy. And we put gravy all over them.
• Sweet Potatoes - can't stand 'em. But I am making a shitload. I don't mash these. I slice them up and candy them with a ton of butter and brown sugar. Then I put the little marshmallows on top.
• Green Bean Casserole - I might be the only person in my family who actually likes it. But fuck you all because I am making dinner, so we are having it damn it. However, since I LOATH mushrooms and refuse to eat them, I use cream of celery soup in it instead. Try it. It's better that way. Gospel.
• Butternut Squash Casserole - this shit is gold. A legend in my family. I have never met a person who doesn't love it. It's almost like a desert. It takes forever to make, but it's totally worth it. My family is so jealous that I don't ship it out to them every holiday. E-mail me if you want the recipe. It's sick!!!!
• Asparagus - I guess you have to have something that's not full of cream or sugar. So I roast it. But them I put gravy on it. Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Gravy.
• Cranberries - This is the only thing that I don't make pretty much from scratch. I love this crap from a can. In fact, I leave the little ripples in it from the side of the can and just serve the whole lump on a plate.
  
• Appetizers - fresh fruit with homemade dip, veggies and dip, veggie pizza and hummus and pita. I like to make sure there is plenty of food.
  
• Champagne - I always drink champagne when I am cooking on the holidays. It makes me feel special. Especially the cheap shit.

So, I'm sure I forgot some stuff, but you get the idea.

Now on to the turkey. We name our turkey every year. It's tradition. And usually something completely un-PC. So this year we named him Bob Marley. We even have a rasta dread hat for him and everything. And he has his own theme song - "No turkey, no cry. Noooooooo turkey, no cry."

I'm sure there will be plenty of one-liners after tonight.

And yes, I am aware that TOMORROW is Thanksgiving. But tonight is Friendsgiving and I am so thankful for everything that my friends and family have done for me this year.

Smooches!!!!

Autumn

I Think I'm Ready

I've spent the last six months flying pretty much solo. It's not that I haven't dated, but I haven't been in a relationship. And I realize now that there are some very specific things that I miss about having a special someone in my life.

1. Holding hands. I know it sounds cheesy - especially coming from moi - but I love the feeling I get when he grabs my hand and holds it in his.

2. Lazy Sundays. Now that football season is in full swing, I am realizing how much I miss waking up with someone on a Sunday morning, making breakfast and cuddling up on the couch to watch the games.

3. Having someone that will just be there for me when I'm having a bad day. There are times when I really think that I am going to explode if I don't let it out. I want to be able to talk to someone about that.

4. Compassion. Even if I'm wrong, I really miss having someone in my corner no matter what I do or say.

5. Romance. God do I ever miss romance. And if you tell anyone about this, I will hunt you down and beat you like a rabid dog. But I really, really miss that. Knowing that someone else is thinking about me and just calls or texts me to say so is such a great feeling to have.

6. Fireplaces, patios and car rides.

7. Having faith in someone else. I've lost a lot of faith over the last few years. Because of the things that I have been through - some of my own doing, some not - I have an even harder time trusting people. I miss being able to let down my guard long enough to let someone else step in and take care of me for once.

8. Making dinner. I love to cook. In fact, in another place and time, that might have been a vocation for me. But I do miss making dinner with or for a special someone. Not that cooking for my kids isn't great, but there is definitely something amazing about putting together a special meal for a special person and the feeling you get when they love it.

9. Massages. On both sides. I love to take care of someone and make them feel just a little bit better after a long day. I also won't say no if they want to give me a back rub as well.

10. Having a partner. Just knowing that there is someone waiting to spend time with me at the end of a long day...



So now, I think I might be ready again. I am not 100% positive, because I think I still have some healing to do, but I do know that if that special someone comes along, I'm not going to run in the other direction the way I have been doing. I've spent a lot of time with friends and family these days. Putting into perspective my priorities and goals in life has become a focus for me. Knowing that I am making some changes in myself to be a better person overall has helped me open up to all of the possibilities that life has to offer.

Don't misunderstand me though. I am not going to settle for Mr. right now just to have companionship. I would rather be alone than settle. Never again. But neither am I going to close myself off from the option of being with someone. It just has to be the right person for me.. I'm not looking, but if he's out there then maybe the universe will bring us together.

Things Left Unsaid

This is ripped directly from Adam's site, but I loved it so much, I had to do it here.

"Sometimes it's about the things we can't say. Whether it's because we're not brave enough, or just because the opportunity has passed, these unspoken phrases, positive or negative, supportive or detracting, reminiscent or in hindsight, deserve to be heard."

• I still blame you for her death. If I could, I would have you locked in jail without the possibility of parole. I try not to, but I hope you rot in hell for your evil deeds.


• I'm sick of being a friend of convenience to you. You only call me when you need something and are never there for me when I need you in return.


• Please stop posting horrible things about people on FaceBook. You are the most negative person I know.


• You're so much more amazing than you will ever let yourself believe. I mean every word that I say to you and hope that one day you will understand that I speak the truth.


• I feel like you abandoned me and you don't have any idea. You never will.


• You're so much better than the way you behave.


• I never liked you. At all. I think your stupidity is singularly overwhelming to anyone who spends more than 10 minutes in your presence.


• Stop being so judgemental. Not everyone has to live in this world by YOUR standards. It's annoying to everyone who knows you.


• You deserve better than him.


• Your existence makes me uncomfortable and I am scared of you.


• Your children hate you.


• Every time I see your name, I think about you and wonder what might have been.


• You hurt someone I love so badly that I never thought he would be whole again. I think you are a selfish asshole who ignores everyone else's feelings for the sake of your own. And? You live in a bubble that other people are all too willing to keep around you. I don't even know why that is.


• I stopped calling you because I knew you were going to die soon and I couldn't bring myself to see that happen to someone else I cared about. I'm so sorry I was weak.


• You fill the people around you with joy and wonder. You are the strongest person that I know and my heart breaks for your suffering.

These are just some of the things I've been wanting to say. I'm kind of brain dead this week, but there is so much going on that I can't even process all of it.

Ending The Cycle of Violence

As I lay here in my bed tonight, the largest thought looming in my mind is one of violence.  This last week, the world lost yet another woman to domestic violence.  A girl I went to high school with, but someone that I did not know.  A woman with a child.  A woman my exact age was viciously murdered by her husband.  A man that stood in front of God and made vows to protect and love and cherish her stabbed her to death in their home.  When asked why he did it, he responded that he was sick of her shit.  

Now there is a small child without either one of his parents.  A little boy who will have to grow up knowing that not only did he lose his mother too soon, but the story behind the loss.  He will never again be able to hold her hand or have her read him a bedtime story or hear her voice when he wakes up in the morning.  His children will never know the woman who would have been their grandmother.  Parents have lost their child.  Friends have lost someone who was by all accounts a bright light in their life.

And why?  For what?  When will the madness end?

Another friend was recently called out to help someone who had been savagely beaten by her boyfriend.  A man that she thought she could trust put her in the hospital.  Was there a sign of the monster behind the mask?  Was there a hint that he wasn't everything that he purported himself to be when they started dating?  Did she think that a few weeks later she would end up with broken bones, bruises and cuts and scars on the inside that will probably last her a lifetime.

This has to stop.  I don't want my own daughter to ever have to go through pain and agony at the hands of someone who claims to love her while he is putting bruises on her face or pushing her down a flight of stairs.  And maybe the only thing that I can do is to write about it, but at least it's a start.  A beginning.

So here is my story.  A story that begins the first time I remember being hurt by a man.  I was about seven years old and my sister and I were picking blackberries by the driveway to the house we lived in at the time.  As punishment, I was beaten with a leather belt until I could no longer stand.  By my stepfather.  Why?  I don't know.  But it didn't end there.  For years, we were hit.  Abused.  Hurt.  As a sophomore in high school, I was once hit so hard with a two by four that I ended up in the emergency room because he almost broke my arm with it.  By the time I was a junior, I had enough.  The last time he came after me, I kicked him in the jaw and almost broke it.  I told him that if he ever touched me again, I would have him put in jail.  I don't know where I found the strength to do that.  I was not only terrified of him, but I was afraid of what he would do to other members of my family.  I wish I could say that it was divine inspiration, but I think that at that point in my life, I didn't really care if I lived or died anymore.  I just knew that I couldn't live every day being afraid.

Since then, it would be nice to be able to say that I broke the cycle, but that would be a lie.  I have been physically, mentally and emotionally abused by men who have professed to love me.  The latter two most recently.  And I thought that it was my fault.  I let my children see me cry over a man that I thought loved me.  But how can someone love you and call you a whore and a slut and a bitch and any other combination of names that there are out there?  How could I, an intelligent successful, business-savvy woman allow a man to dictate my entire life to me?  How did I fall in that trap again?  

Not only did I fall, but I bought the bullshit hook, line and sinker.  I allowed someone else to make me feel inadequate.  I began to question myself.  I wondered if I really was the person that he made me out to be when he was angry with me.  I distanced myself from my friends and family and didn't tell them about all of the bad things because I was so embarrassed by them.  I was made to feel weak and impotent.  Like the world held nothing but bad things for me without him in it.  That I wasn't able to stand on my own two feet.  That I shouldn't really have this friend or that in my life.  That I shouldn't go do that because it reflected poorly on him.  That I should be with him every second of every day.  That he was the only person I needed.  Not my friends or my family.

While I did have moments of sanity, it seemed like every time I started to draw away and get out, I would get reeled right back in.  I would fall for the lines.  I would forgive him what really wasn't his fault in the first place.  After all, how could I be compassionate and not be forgiving?  How could I hold someone's childhood against him?  All of the lines and explanations served to undermine my own convictions and strengthen his position.

But in the end, I finally severed those ties.  I stopped the cycle of forgiving someone for something that they never regretted in the first place.  I stopped allowing myself to be used as an emotional punching bag.  Of course it was two years, a lot of words and emotions, a kick to my dog and the threatened murder of another pet later, but it finally sank in that I had to get out.  And really there is so much here that is better left unsaid.  Things that I don't even want to write about.  Feelings that I just can't let out yet because I don't want them to overwhelm me.

When I tell women to get out, I mean GET OUT!!!!  If you are afraid, trust those instincts.  Don't become another statistic.  Be strong.  Know that you really can turn to your friends and family without being ashamed.  There are places that you can go for help.  And you can always call 1-800-799-SAFE.  Especially if you think your computer use is being monitored.  

I did turn to friends.  They have held me while I have cried and had panic attacks.  They have talked me through those tears and fears and doubts and tough times.  And they have reassured me that I am strong.  It doesn't matter that I wasn't physically abused this time.  For me, I already knew I could survive the physical abuse.  It was the mental and emotional abuse that I didn't know how to walk away from.  And I think that predators sense your biggest weaknesses and fears and use them to their own advantage.

There are GOOD MEN out there.  I am not bitter.  Nor do I think that every man is evil.  Some of the greatest people in my life are men.  They are amazing friends, brothers, fathers and husbands.  They are not perfect, but they are good.  I have seen the men in my life grow over the years.  I have seen them overcome abuse in their own lives and I have seen them break the cycle as well.

I haven't cited anything that I have discussed, not because I don't want the attention turned in that direction, but because this is where I come to share my feelings.  Not to intrude on the private mourning time of others.

Just know, that a woman is not always stupid for not getting out.  It's easy to stand on the outside and judge her.  It's a lot harder to hold her hand and help pick up the pieces when she breaks.

So to all of the wonderful people out there who have helped a loved one through a time like this, I say thank you.  Thank you for being able to put your own feelings aside and stand by someone through the toughest time in their life.

Love and light,

Autumn

Daily Annoyances

I am supremely annoyed today.  With people.  Ignorant, rude people who have no sense of responsibility or self control.  

I always say that people tend to mistake my kindness for weakness, but if I know one thing, it is that I AM NOT WEAK!  When my back is to the wall, I will and do stand up for myself.  I try my best to be a good friend and to accommodate people.  Especially now when I have plenty of time on my hands and a lot of flexibility in my personal life.  But when people constantly abuse my good nature without apology, I start to get ticked off.  I don't have time in my life for fools or users.  People who constantly take from me and never give anything back. 

Now don't get me wrong.  I don't expect a lot from people.  But when I ask someone to do something very simple for me because I am changing things around in my schedule for them and they can't do one very simple little thing, I tend to get annoyed.  And when I get annoyed, I am not going to be returning your texts or doing you favors because you have shown me exactly where I stand in the importance rankings in your life.  I don't expect to come first with the people I care about, but I do expect them to acknowledge that I have gone out of my way to help them and be respectful of my time in return.

Learn some freaking manners.  I know that in today's day and age of constant communication with technology that it wouldn't take more than 5 seconds for you to do what I asked of you, so it's not like I was asking you to give me one of your kidneys.  

No one is completely altruistic.  And while I tend to try and do anything I can for my friends and family, I absolutely refuse to be friends with and care about people who take from me any longer.  You are off of my radar.  I am irritated as shit right now in case you can't tell.  With people in general, but a few people specifically.  And no, it's not you if you're reading this.  Trust me.

Why do people think that they can walk all over me?  Do I have "doormat" tattooed on my forehead or something?  Is there some kind of pheromone that I give off that makes you think that I am an easy target?  If not, maybe I should invent something.  I shall call it Eau de Dickhead and do my best to switch scents.

I have good people in my life.  People who actually do care about me and worry about MY health and well-being.  People who call me up for advice and who try and help me before I ever have to ask for it.  But it seems like there are always a few folks on the fringes of my life who are leeching off of me and I need to cut them out completely.  

I want to live in a bullshit free zone, which means that I need to flush those turds right down the toilet, wave goodbye and let the alligators in the sewers eat them.

Arghhhhhhh......

Goodnight, from an angry pirate.

Random Thoughts From the Drive In

Last night some I went to the local Drive In with my family and some great friends.  I hadn't been in years even though my city has one of the last remaining drive ins in the country.  I think there are less than 200 left.  After approximately 20 seconds, I remembered the million reasons why, like Wal Mart, I usually stay away from the Drive In Theater.

1. It makes me feel strangely good about myself - to the detriment of others in attendance.  I mean I have teeth, so right there I am a leg up on everyone else.
2. I once got caught having sex there in a Geo Metro hatchback.  I was 17 and ended up marrying the guy, but I am always afraid that someone working there is going to point at me and say "Hey remember that chick!  We busted her en flagrante delicto with a gearshift wedged in her ear.  Although she was a lot hotter at 17."  I shudder.
3. It's basically located at the edge of a swamp, so you are continuously barraged with giant blood-sucking mosquitos that are immune to all types of bug spray.  The city once bombed them with Agent Orange and all that did was piss them off, so I always walk away with about a pint less of O Positive than I had earlier in the night.
4. The people who built the Drive In, which I think was back when they called movies "talkies", did so in a very interesting location.  Right next to railroad tracks.  And the railroad is still alive and well.  At least in my city.  Because a train goes by like every ten minutes.
5. The bathrooms smell like cat piss.  Really.  It's worse than the gift shop at Hemingway's house of six-toed cats in Key West.  I think the urine has aged over time to a point where it is so pervasive, if you stay in the bathroom for more than a minute, you will die of asphyxiation.
6. Hillbillies.
7. The Drive In turns into a flea market on Sunday Mornings and I am always fearful that one of my kids will accidentally step on a hypodermic needle from some crack-head selling used McDonalds Happy Meal toys.
8. I end up eating the most disgusting things from the snack bar.  And then I spend Monday mornings sicking it all back up.
9. You don't have to bring your own chairs and blankets to a real movie theater.
10. I end up getting hit on by some freak, weirdo, pot-head who is there with his baby-mama and their 8 kids.  Really?  You are going to treat me like a princess?  Which one?  Princess Trashy McTrailerPark?

I guess now that I have trashed the Drive In, I should say something nice about it.  The only problem is, I really don't have anything nice to say.  And let's be honest.  If I went by that little gem about not saying anything if you have nothing nice to say, then I would have nothing to write about.

The only positive thing that I can really impart is that it's fun for the kids.  They really seem to enjoy being devoured by pigeon sized bugs, don't mind the constant noise from the trains and ignore the rest of the crap.  And the adults have fun chatting and laughing with each other.  

And when next year rolls around, I will conveniently forget all of the reasons why I don't go and will load up my car with chairs, blankets and illegal snack foods and go back.  Because?  It's tradition.  

Well, tradition and good material for writing.

Love,

Autumn

Complicated

I think that sometimes, people make their lives more complicated than they need to be.  Actually, I think that MOST of the time many of the issues that we have in our daily lives come as a result of our own insecurities, weaknesses or fears.

I know, from personal experience, that I don't always take the comments of other people in the manner that they were meant to be delivered.  I allow my past experiences to color my new experiences with a dirty paintbrush.  I have been trained, Pavlovian style, to take the smallest nuance in someone's tone and twist it into something negative, fearful that whatever it is that they are saying is in some way a reflection of my inability as a person to be what they want me to be.  But as the saying goes, "I'ma be me."  

Yes, I have been writing a lot about the changes that I am making as a person and the growth that I want to achieve, but I've been writing for four years now (well three really, since I went a fucking entire year without writing because of another person, but that's a different topic) and what I have learned about my writing in that time is that I can write what I want, when I want and I really don't give a fuck all who reads it.  I love to write.  Whether I am rambling incoherently about some assjack hillbilly that lives across the street from me or I am revising my self-help mantra on a daily basis, the people who happen to click on my link looking for Sangria Recipes (most popular by the way) or are trying to live out some Hooters fetish can read whatever the hell I feel like writing.

But I am off subject now.  Shit.  How the hell does this happen?

Anyway.  Oh yeah, complications.  So I have let things become more complicated than they should in some aspects of my life.  From my own fears and worries and because my head was so messed up that I couldn't see what was right in front of my face.

One thing that I refuse to do is be a "complication" for another person.  I will not allow someone else to make me feel bad because they are too busy trying to be hard and strong and tough to see that instead of complicating their life, I could be enhancing it.  Interpersonal relationships are fraught with potential pitfalls every single freaking day.  Because?  People tend to be complicated.  It's part of our DNA makeup.  We are highly aware beings who tend to think a lot.  So when someone tells me that I am complicated or making things complicated for them, whether it is a friend, family member, my dog, the mailman, a business associate or the fly that I can't get to leave my bathroom, I tend to get a little bit pissed off.  I try my hardest to make things easier for people.  And if having me in your life stresses you out that much, then you can piss off.  I don't need it.  I have plenty of friends and people who love me and I don't need some emotionally retarded infant that I need to baby and dote on without asking for anything in return in my life.  So go get uncomplicated elsewhere.  I am a good friend and a good person and I think I would rather be called a bitch than complicated.  It's fucking redundant.  

We are all complicated.  We are all intricate.  We all have needs and wants and while some of us may try and repress our feelings, I will not be some little automaton who just walks around with an aimless smile on my face, happy to be led like a show pony.  If having feelings makes me complicated, then I will take that too, because at least I have more depth than a kiddie pool that way.

In fact, the more that I think about it, the more ticked off I am getting.  Really?  Complicated?  Do you watch the news?  Do you want to live in some cookie cutter, Edward Scissorhands world where everyone has the same house and the same job and no problems and a smile on their face every day?  That's just fucking creepy.  It freaks me out when people go all Stepford on me.  The ones who walk around smiling all day are usually the ones that have the most problems behind closed doors.  And yes, I am cynical by nature thankyouverymuch.

I really am not going anywhere with this.  Just flitting about, trying to get my thoughts together because I went out of my way today to help someone out and was insulted for the effort.  And my dad always tells me that I need to be more closed off to people.  Not as trusting.  But I do and have disagreed with him deeply about that.  If I shut myself off, or change that part of me, then I am no longer being true to who I am.  The person that I have been for most of my life.  

I went on vacation to see one of my sisters last month and she said "I finally have my sister back."  That alone is a good indicator that I am heading in the right direction and that I shouldn't change the key elements of who I am because it's the reason that the people who love me, love me.

On another note, I just found out that you can get Botox for your asshole.  That's kind of ironic when you really think about it.

Smoochies.

Autumn 

A Strong Person

A friend sent me something yesterday and part of the message was this:

A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm ok" with a smile.

It came after a pretty tough morning.  After another blow.  And it started me thinking about how I'm holding on and keeping it together.  

The answer varies.  Constantly.

Some days I seem to be OK and then there are the other days.  The days when the hits just keep on coming.  Where nothing I do seems to go right.  Where I go out of my way for other people, just to get kicked in the teeth.  The days where it feels like I will never smile or laugh again.

So when someone calls me up to see how I'm doing or texts me or e-mails me words of encouragement....  well, it just makes my day a little bit brighter.

My grandmother used to always tell me that God never gives us more than we can handle.  I'm not sure whether that's true or not, but I like to think that I can be strong enough to not only handle it, but do it with a smile through my tears.

Reach out to someone today who needs it.  Take an extra minute to just call a friend or loved one on the phone and tell them that it will be OK.  Sometimes that's all we need to make our day better.

All of my love,

A

Life Lessons

Wow!  This weekend has been a whirlwind of learning.  

First of all, I have learned that wrecking your brand new car really, really, really sucks.  Thank God I wasn't seriously injured.  I could have gotten really upset and freaked out and stayed in that state for weeks on end.  But I am not and I will not be that kind of person any longer.  Things could have ended up so much worse for me, but there is a reason that they are called accidents.  There is a reason that I pay my insurance premiums.  And there is a reason why I was in that place, at that time when I had my accident.  

I am trying to focus on the fact that the only thing that got hurt was my car, some property and my pride.  I have never been in a car accident like this before and I pray I will never be in one like it again.  I could have been seriously injured or even killed, but I had some major angels around me yesterday during the accident and a human angel around me afterwards.

Secondly, I learned that you can make friends from the oddest situations.  I mean, completely twilight zone kind of odd.  But I feel very blessed because not only was I able to make amends, but I was able to become friends with one of the most beautiful, strong people I have ever met in my life.  I hope to soak up some of this person's strength and know that I too can make it through some of my darkest times, because that is what that person did as well.  

Finally, I learned that not only am I not alone, but I am surrounded by others who have been in, or are in the same or similar situations as I am.  Because this is MY blog, I have the freedom to write about what I want when I want, but I also have a responsibility to readers who reach out to me to share their stories and I would never betray them.  What I will say is that there are quite a few people out there who have been through what I have and that validation alone gives me hope for the future.

I am sure that not all of this makes sense and I am just recapping a lot of it for my own benefit.  But if there is one thing that I hope the three people who read this take away, it is that no matter what, you can always reach out to me and I will be there for you.  I hope that you are being genuine with your problems and issues because I will certainly be genuine back to you.  I can't ever tell you what to do in your life, but I will say something very important right now:

IF YOU ARE EVER AFRAID FOR YOUR WELL BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP - GET OUT.

NOW.

DO NOT STOP AND QUESTION OR SECOND GUESS YOURSELF.  THERE IS A REASON THAT WE AS HUMANS EVOLVED INTO HIGHLY INSTINCTIVE CREATURES.  LISTEN TO THE VOICE THAT IS TELLING YOU TO RUN AND TAKE THE FUCK OFF.

On a lighter note, I had a two hour guitar lesson from my dad tonight.  It was awesome, but I am really confused.  I can, however, play a total of three chords, so it was definitely educational.

All my love,

A

Blow Job Olympics

I've recently taken to texting a friend some of the random little nuggets of insanity that pop up in my head from time to time.  No pattern, no explanation, but funny.  At least to us.

Her favorite line is "I never claimed to be a slut in this life!"  Which is a pretty funny line, but today, while driving to a baseball game, I managed to come up with one that is even better.

"If giving blow jobs was a sport, I'd be a gold medalist."

Now, I'm not saying anything about myself.  Necessarily.  I'm just saying that the thought managed to seep its way into my consciousness.

But really, when you think about it, the idea has merit.  I mean it takes talent, enthusiasm, imagination and flexibility to really pull off a good one.  In fact, a few months ago, a friend and I had the opportunity to hang out with a pretty famous comedian after one of his sets.  While we were talking the question of how to sustain a marriage came up - the friend was a newlywed.  And without missing a beat, I said "learn to love giving head."  And I meant it.  You can't look at it as something you HAVE to do.  You have to enjoy yourself.  Your partner can certainly tell the difference and it works the same for women and men.  Regardless of who is on the receiving end, if the giver isn't into it, it really doesn't work.

What do I know though?  It's not like I'm the poster girl for solid relationships, married or otherwise, but I really like the thought.  Maybe it's because I recently watched "Old School" for like the four hundred and seventy second time, but that scene with Andy Dick really stands out.  Not only is it hilarious, but it makes sense.  Learning how to please your partner should really end up pleasing you both.  And I think that anything worth doing is worth doing really, really, really well.

So where does this bring us?  I have no freaking clue.  I'm just rambling right now, trying to make sense of my upside-down world.  

Still.......  Think about it.  When was the last time that you threw yourself into anything with passion and abandon?  When was the last time you really wanted to please someone else without worrying about how you were benefiting from the act?  

Maybe these are just random life lessons for myself.  Maybe the strange things that pop into my head should really stay in my head where they belong.  But fuck it.  I remember when I started writing this blog.  It was a place for me to put those random thoughts.  I place where I could write anything I wanted and not have to worry about other people reading it and taking offense.  Right now, I could give two shits who I offend.  This is for me and about me.  And yes, it's a little hypocritical since I am talking about doing things for others selflessly, but this is still my outlet.  I stopped writing for a year.  A whole year.  Because I was afraid that I would get shit from someone else about what I was writing.  Who I was writing about.

But now, I am free.  Free to do what I want, when I want without the fear of the cycling insanity that used to be my life.  So if I want to write about blow jobs or circus clowns or marrying my cat, I will.  And nobody can stop me because I answer to two people.  Me and Jesus.  And I'm pretty sure HE has more important things to worry about than fellatio.

Good night and good lovin'.

A

My New Husband

People, I have decided.  After all of the stress and heartbreak and emotional roller coasters that I have endured in my life, I am finally getting married again.  To the most wonderful being on the planet.  Of course, until everyone has the ability to marry, it will have to be a civil union.  Not because we are gay, but because he is a cat.

That's right.  You heard me.  A cat.  A wonderful, glorious feline named Butter.  He is an orange tabby and looks like the fat version of Puss in Boots.  He has all of the qualities that I want in a man.

• He leaves me alone when I want to be left alone.
• He cuddles with me when I am sad.
• He is very clean with wonderful personal hygiene.
• He doesn't argue with me, talk back, or tell me that I am wrong.  EVER!
• He is housebroken - so no peeing on the floor - which is more than I can say about some men!!!!!!
• I don't have to support him, put him through college, treat him like a child or fulfill any sick sex fantasies.
• In fact, I don't have to have sex with him at all.
• I can bitch about my day without him interrupting me or trying to one up me with how bad HIS day was.
• He doesn't leave poop stains on my bed.
• He doesn't lie to me.
• He makes me laugh.
• He might be smarter than I am.
• He is a ninja assassin.
• He can ride a motorcycle.
• He punches dogs in their faces.  For reals yo!
• He likes all of the same music, movies and TV shows that I like and never, ever complains that he wants to watch something else.
• He doesn't hog the remote control.
• I can leave him for days at a time without having to worry about him.
• He doesn't call, text or otherwise hound me during the day.
• I can go out with my friends without him getting jealous.
• I have never caught him masturbating with my underwear.
• He has never stolen my underwear.

And most importantly - he loves me without reservation or fail.

So, until I can find a human man like Butter, I am sticking with him.

Love you,

Autumn

The Power of Forgiveness

I believe in forgiveness.  And I know that while it is sometimes a very difficult, or close to impossible, thing to do, forgiving someone really eases a burden off of your heart.  I think that there are a lot of people in my life that I need to forgive.  Not forget, but forgive, for my own sanity and sense of well being.

That said, I was recently forgiven by someone.  And I can't believe how good it feels.  I was completely wrong in my actions and someone was hurt by what I did.  For the last few months, that person has been weighing heavily on my mind and heart.  How could I, a person who prides herself on being honest and caring and good (somewhat), do what I did and not reach out and apologize?  Most people think that there are three words in the English language that are the most difficult to say - I love you - but it's really only two - I'm sorry.

Because of my last post, I have had the opportunity to apologize.  Sincerely and heartfelt.  And the beauty of it is that I was forgiven.  It's a gift.  A wonderful, beautiful gift to be able to be forgiven.  I don't know when I will be able to forgive myself for my actions in harming this person, but surely this is the first step in the process isn't it?

And if someone else, whom I have never even met, is able to forgive me for things that I have done that led to their pain, shouldn't I be able to look into my own heart and do the same for those who have hurt me?  I really don't know the answer to that yet.  All I know is that I am going to try.  Try and be the best person that I can be and not let the negativity and ignorance of other people pull me down.  Try and be as open and loving and honest as I can without letting people use me and walk all over me.  Try and look at the beauty in the world and aspire to be as beautiful as I can be as a human being.  And most definitely try and be the kind of person my children can look up to and be proud to call mom.

And my heart feels good these days.  I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off of me.  And it's such a special feeling.

Thank you to that special person who found it in their heart to say - I forgive you.  You will never know how much that means to me.

Love and Underwear

Welcome back to the wild ride that is my life.  Where nothing changes and the carousel spins faster.

I've had a lot - and I mean A LOT - of alone time lately.  I should be writing.  I should be cleaning out my refrigerator and dusting my knickknacks.  But mostly, I have spent a good portion of that time thinking.  And really being confused.  And not knowing which direction to go in.

But I think that's a good thing.  Because confusion is just one way to grow as a person.  It makes you sit back and take a hard look at your life.  To identify the myriad of mistakes that you have made and analyze them in order to not repeat them.  

Finally I have come to the conclusion that maybe I am not cut out for this love thing.  Every time, I get hurt and disappointed and used and betrayed.  And that isn't a ploy for sympathy, it is just a fact.  I end up falling for the most irresponsible, unavailable, insane and potentially sociopathic men that are out there.  I let my walls down and then BAM, I get blindsided by some bullshit.

Don't get me wrong, I am definitely not a man hater.  It just seems to me that I am a magnet for the wrong guy for me type.  I always fall for the broken or needy or counterfeit man, instead of the emotionally stable, supportive, loving man.

Point in case.  I was in a relationship that was not good for me.  By the end of our time together, I sear to God, I didn't know which way was up.  I was so confused about what was going on in my life and my feelings for that person that I couldn't see that he was slowly destroying my independence and self-esteem.  All of my emotions were tied up in HIS feelings and HIS wants and HIS needs.  I became an extension of him instead of a partner in his life.  I was so afraid of losing him that I failed to see all of the other things in my life that I lost because of him.

That is over now.  Thank God.  And do you know why?  Because he finally returned my underwear.  Real life is stranger than fiction and one day, I received a thirty pound package in the mail.  It was all of the stuff that he failed to return to me when we split up.  In that box was a bag with 43 pairs of underwear in it.  What the fuck?  Who keeps someone's underwear?  And if that sounds strange, there are so many other weird stories that I could share, but I'll leave that for another time.  But what the package allowed me to do, was to close a door on that part of my life and hopefully heal and move on to better things.

Since then, I have been able to rebuild some of the relationships that I lost because of that person with my friends and family.  I have looked at myself and found that I really like who I am as a person.  I am flawed and fucking fabulous.  I have talent and drive and determination.  I have the ability to look at people and find the good in them.  I can take mistakes and heartbreak and turn them into learning experiences.

I have also found out that I love LOVE.  The ability to take your own feelings out of the equations and just be there for another person.  For a partner, or a friend or a family member.  It doesn't have to be a romantic situation.  But love in and of itself is a thing of beauty.  Whether it's your child picking wildflowers for you, or getting frantic phone calls from your family because they haven't heard from you in 24 hours and are making sure you are still OK, the ability to love and be loved is a wonderful skill to have.

One thing I am refusing to do right now is fall in love.  I need a break from the insanity.  Because as great as it is to love someone, it is also equally as painful in my own personal experience.  If it's out there, it's out there.  If it's not, so what?  Who cares right now?  I feel no pressure to jump back into a relationship with someone just to be in a relationship.  I would rather work on the people in my life now who are important to me and be able to grow in my relationships with them.  To give more of myself to the people who matter to me like my children and my friends and family and work on my career.  I want to practice yoga, quit smoking, get in shape, learn to play the guitar, fly a plane, dance until I can't breathe, get caught in a rainstorm, feel the sun beat down on my face, cry when something makes me sad and laugh every single day.

And since this post was a bit fucking maudlin, I am going to leave you with some quips that I have come up with that make my friends laugh:

• I have never claimed to be a slut in this life!
• The %&(# clan war just went supernova.
• If we aren't in 7th grade anymore, why does your hair look like Justin Bieber's?
• You can melt anything with a hot enough flame. (not a good one, but I was a bit drunk at the time)
• w w w dot mustache rides dot com - where cougars go for a great time
• AND - my favorite - I only answer to two people in my life.  Me.  And Jesus.

I don't know if those are funny our of context, but I'm leaving them up to remind me of the times I came up with them and how much fun you can have when you let go of something that wasn't real to begin with.

All of my love!

Autumn

The Imbalance of Relationships

It has been recently brought to my attention (again) that there is always an imbalance in any relationship.  Whether one friend is more involved than the other, one partner is more giving than the other or the bee drone lives to serve the queen, there never seems to be an equal balance.  

Why is this?  Why do we allow our partner, friends, loved ones to give more to us than we can or are willing to give back to them?  And on the other side, why do people allow themselves to give so much without getting back what they deserve?  Is it always this way, or does that balance shift back and forth over the nature of the relationships?

I think that this is sometimes yes and sometimes no.  The drones will always serve the queen without necessarily getting anything back other than fulfilling their jobs within the animal kingdom.  But where this balance of power may work with other species, we as humans certainly have more control over our own destiny.  But why then, aware of that control, do some people continue to fight what seems to be a losing battle?  Giving so much of themselves and not really getting anything back in return.  

This thought brings me back to an episode of Friends where Phoebe argues that there IS such a thing as complete altruism.  In the end, she allows a bee to sting her to get her point across, not realizing that the bee dies as a result.  But in real life, we are not able to be completely altruistic.  In fact, a lot of people are just plain old selfish assholes who take and take and take until finally, the people around them and involved with them cut them loose to save themselves.

So..... hmmm.....  I am struggling with this thought.  It's been floating around in my brain a while now.  Just because.  I watch the people around me.  I have been involved in this so-called imbalance with family, friends and relationships.  On both sides.  And what it really comes down to is the fact that while I think there will always be someone who gives more, I don't think it has to be a drastic difference.  Maybe in a personal relationship one partner has a bad day or week or month and the other picks up the slack and gives a little more of himself.  And the other partner realizes this, acknowledges and appreciates it.  But instead of being on a teeter-totter where one person is sitting their fat ass at the bottom and the other one is at the top, giving for all they're worth, I believe that any relationship will grow and continue when each person involved tries as hard as they can to keep the plank balanced in the middle, dipping up and down slightly.  There will be times when one person needs the other more, but as long as we keep giving as much as we possibly can of ourselves to others, without being selfish dickwads, then I think that maybe, just maybe we can have that ever elusive balance.

I am still looking for it.  And maybe I am just a mellow, Pollyanna bitch tonight because I got to hang with my best friend today, get some sun and grill out, but I have hope for the future.  Hope that I can be less selfish and more giving.  Hope that the people who are and will be in my life will be the same.

Love, Peace and Chicken Grease! 

Fat and Happy?

I wonder if being happy makes you fat?  

Not necessarily MAKES you fat, but is there a correlation between being happy and maybe having a few extra pounds to lose?  Do some people take shortcuts with their health and fitness when things are going well?  

I don't really know the answer to that in general terms, but I do know that answer in my own life and that is a resounding Y-E-S.  I have gained close to 20 pounds in the last 2 years.  I have gone from mostly fit to a little out of shape.  I got lazy.  But was I really happy?  I know that I was depressed at times.  I was on medication for a misdiagnosed condition, so that had something to do with the weight gain.  I thought I was blissfully happy, so instead of making more time to take care of myself, I was spending more time working, with my children and my partner and I quit doing the physical things that both kept me in shape and released endorphins into my system, thus helping to keep my weight down.

I have pretty much always been on the thin side.  Most people thought I had an eating disorder for a long time, just because I had a super low BMI.  Not true.  What I had was a life filled with chaos.  I was going to school, working two to three jobs at a time and I was on my feet constantly.  This kept me slim.  Not skinny, but slim.  I have always looked like I weigh about 10 - 15 pounds less than I really do, so there was also a misperception of how much I weighed.  What was still on the pretty thin side was considered super skinny by people who didn't know me, because they looked at me and thought I was much smaller than I really was.  I even had a few doctors get on my case, which was hilarious because back then, I cold eat anything I wanted and not gain an ounce.  But I was constantly stressed out.  I was working my ass off, literally.  So keeping in shape wasn't difficult.

Then came a second child.  I had to work a lot harder to lose that weight and get in shape.  But I did it and I started kickboxing, which is really great for toning up and burning calories.  But I still felt unhappy.  I still had this internal drive to keep moving forward, keep going on, keep working harder.  So I did, but I never felt really happy.

But as I said before, in the last two years, I slowed down.  I took time to focus on my health and well being.  I got a mixed up group of medicines and I got lazy.  And let's face it: a little chubby.  I stopped kickboxing.  I quit yoga and dance.  And even when I was working hard and traveling, I didn't focus on being healthy.  I ate on the run and what I did eat was full of fat.  That added to sitting on my ass and doing nothing also helped contribute.

So what does it all mean?  I don't think being happy means you gain weight.  I think losing sight of who you are - in my case - certainly helped add to it though.  And since I am changing my life, I am also changing this "thing" that is bothering me.  These few extra pounds that I am carrying around need to go bye-bye.  I neither need nor want to be skinny though.  I want to be fit and in shape.  I want to work off some of this cellulite and tone up again.  AND I think punching a heavy bag would help me out so much right now.  I even have some faces that I could tape up there for motivation!

I am so excited to be writing again.  I don't know where this is going, but I am doing it for ME.  Just like Ricky Bobby.

Have a safe and wonderful Memorial Day weekend and take the time out of your day to thank a veteran.

Much love.

Emotional

I have been super emotional lately.  It's easily explained and understandable considering the fact that pretty much everything in my life has changed.  

The most important thing is that I continue to tell myself that it's OK to cry.  I hate crying.  I don't lean on other people or look outside of myself for support.  But tonight, I did just that.  I called a friend.  A great, wonderful, loving friend who was sooooo there for me.  Just to listen and tell me that I am a good person and that I do deserve good things in life and that it's OK to be sad right now.  

Surprisingly enough, I'm not that angry.  Maybe that will come later.  Ok, scratch that, I am angry, but I'm trying to not let it overtake me.  My main emotion right now is sadness and hurt.  And self-loathing.  I have never really let that many people get close to me and now I feel like a fool because I did let someone in and they have almost destroyed me.  Someone I thought was my best friend turned out to be anything but a friend.  

So now, I feel like I am starting all over.  Again.  For the umpteenth time.  And I have to seriously ask myself how much of this is my fault because I opened myself up to being hurt.  Knowingly.  I honestly knew that there was a good chance that things would end up the way they did.  It's like the story of the Frog and the Scorpion.  The scorpion promises not to sting the frog if he takes him across the river, but halfway across, he stings him anyway.  Because THAT IS WHAT A SCORPION DOES!!!!  And I got stung.  I knew I would get stung.  

So now, I just have to get the venom out.  It is going to take a long time because I was stung over and over and over again.  Like a fool.  Like the stupid frog who died.  But I love frogs.  They are actually some of my favorite creatures.  They learn how to adapt to their environments and blend in to protect themselves from predators.  

So I am going to learn to be more like the frog, without the trusting nature in the fable.  I will learn how to blend into my environment.  I will try to heal and to move on, because I have gotten through worse things than this.  Not many, but I think I can do it.  

And the next time I see a scorpion, I will crush it under my 4 inch stilettos.

It's Never Too Late to Start Over

In the last few years, my life has had more changes than I ever expected. If someone had told me when I started this blog that at thirty-three years old I would be single and unemployed, I would have bitch slapped them, but here I am anyway.

I have made some poor decisions in my life. I have alienated friends and family. I have gone on medication, gone off of medication, gone back on medication and switched medication more times than a Hollywood starlet changes lovers. I have battled through some serious health issues. I have strained against the chains that I felt were binding me until they were broken. I have added to my own suffering by burrowing in my nest and shutting out the world. I stopped writing. I stopped taking the joy that life has always handed to me.

Now I recognize that it is time for me to wake up. To grow up and move forward. I need to dig myself out of this hole of seclusion and delusion that I have been living in and embrace life again. Because I once enjoyed the world. For all the wrongs and negatives that there are out there, there is so much more that is right and good.

I have friends and family who love me. I have things to offer to others. I have a full life to live and I can't do that while curled up in the fetal position with my sheets pulled over my head, refusing to do more than the basic necessities in order to survive.

I have completely changed my life recently. And you know what? I am happier than I can ever remember being. Sure I have moments, a lot of moments (let's be honest here), filled with doubt and self-loathing. But I have recognized my life for what it has become and I am making changes. Most people would probably fall into an even deeper depression to wake up one morning and realize that they no longer have a job or a relationship. But me? I am thrilled.

I can now make my life anything I want it to be. It's kind of like spending during a recession. It doesn't make sense, but somehow it works economically. I don't want to save my joys for a rainy day. I don't want to hoard a chance at happiness for the future. My chance is right now, in this time and place, to do what I want, when I want it.

I am going for the brass ring. That ever elusive symbol of wholeness that seems so far out of reach. It's not though. I can see it. It's right in front of me. I don't know what it represents to me - YET. All I know is that it is just sitting there, waiting for me to grab on tight and never let go.

My world is filled with limitless opportunities. I can be anyone, I can do anything and I can and will take my time, explore my options and not only make the best of my situation, but I will make life my bitch. I spit in the direction of haters and detractors. I laugh in the face of uncertainty. And last but not least, I take heart that I have people out there who care for and love me the way that I deserve.

I am Autumn and I am happy.