Wednesday, November 23, 2011


Tonight I am hosting Friendsgiving. Hells to the yeah. I am so excited I want to pee my pants.

I love Thanksgiving. The food, the people, the football, the music, the fact that my birthday and Baby Jesus' is right around the corner. The countdown to my vacation. The food. The food. The food.

OK. Maybe I am going a little bit overboard on the food, but I don't fuckingthinkso. I adore cooking. Especially for a large group of people. And this year, I will have about a dozen people crammed into my tiny condo. We will be laughing and eating and drinking and listening to music. But most of all, we will be eating. Below is a list of what I am making for tonight's Friendsgiving dinner:

  • Turkey - this little fellow cost more a pound than gas does a gallon. He was hand fed vegetarian food, free-range raised and I think they tucked him in at night on a golden fucking blanket. But I really believe in making an effort to feed my friends and family a more organic meal, so Bob Marley better fucking be worth it! More on the name later.
  • Gravy - this is the nectar of the gods. Gravy makes anything better. Try it. Gravy on meat, vegetables, ice cream, pudding. You name it. I make it from scratch from the turkey juices and slow simmer it for over an hour.
  • Stuffing - Or dressing depending what part of the country you're from. I make this as well. That stove top stuff freaks me out. But I will let you in on a little secret. I don't like it and I will only eat it if it's super duper crunchy. And covered in gravy.
  • Mashed Potatoes - non lumpy!!!! People in the midwest seem to pride themselves on lumpy potatoes. They use this strange hand tool called a ricer (which would make more sense if it were used on rice) to smoosh and smash their taters until the are the consistency of wet dog food. Gross. I peeled 10 pounds of potatoes last night and if there is a lump in them, I will shank the first person who points it out. I have a secret family trick that makes them very creamy. And we put gravy all over them.
  • Sweet Potatoes - can't stand 'em. But I am making a shitload. I don't mash these. I slice them up and candy them with a ton of butter and brown sugar. Then I put the little marshmallows on top.
  • Green Bean Casserole - I might be the only person in my family who actually likes it. But fuck you all because I am making dinner, so we are having it damn it. However, since I LOATH mushrooms and refuse to eat them, I use cream of celery soup in it instead. Try it. It's better that way. Gospel.
  • Butternut Squash Casserole - this shit is gold. A legend in my family. I have never met a person who doesn't love it. It's almost like a desert. It takes forever to make, but it's totally worth it. My family is so jealous that I don't ship it out to them every holiday. E-mail me if you want the recipe. It's sick!!!!
  • Asparagus - I guess you have to have something that's not full of cream or sugar. So I roast it. But them I put gravy on it. Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Gravy.
  • Cranberries - This is the only thing that I don't make pretty much from scratch. I love this crap from a can. In fact, I leave the little ripples in it from the side of the can and just serve the whole lump on a plate.
  • Appetizers - fresh fruit with homemade dip, veggies and dip, veggie pizza and hummus and pita. I like to make sure there is plenty of food.
  • Champagne - I always drink champagne when I am cooking on the holidays. It makes me feel special. Especially the cheap shit.

So, I'm sure I forgot some stuff, but you get the idea.

Now on to the turkey. We name our turkey every year. It's tradition. And usually something completely un-PC. So this year we named him Bob Marley. We even have a rasta dread hat for him and everything. And he has his own theme song - "No turkey, no cry. Noooooooo turkey, no cry."

I'm sure there will be plenty of one-liners after tonight.

And yes, I am aware that TOMORROW is Thanksgiving. But tonight is Friendsgiving and I am so thankful for everything that my friends and family have done for me this year.