Sunday, October 16, 2011

I Think I'm Ready

I've spent the last six months flying pretty much solo. It's not that I haven't dated, but I haven't been in a relationship. And I realize now that there are some very specific things that I miss about having a special someone in my life.

1. Holding hands. I know it sounds cheesy - especially coming from moi - but I love the feeling I get when he grabs my hand and holds it in his.

2. Lazy Sundays. Now that football season is in full swing, I am realizing how much I miss waking up with someone on a Sunday morning, making breakfast and cuddling up on the couch to watch the games.

3. Having someone that will just be there for me when I'm having a bad day. There are times when I really think that I am going to explode if I don't let it out. I want to be able to talk to someone about that.

4. Compassion. Even if I'm wrong, I really miss having someone in my corner no matter what I do or say.

5. Romance. God do I ever miss romance. And if you tell anyone about this, I will hunt you down and beat you like a rabid dog. But I really, really miss that. Knowing that someone else is thinking about me and just calls or texts me to say so is such a great feeling to have.

6. Fireplaces, patios and car rides.

7. Having faith in someone else. I've lost a lot of faith over the last few years. Because of the things that I have been through - some of my own doing, some not - I have an even harder time trusting people. I miss being able to let down my guard long enough to let someone else step in and take care of me for once.

8. Making dinner. I love to cook. In fact, in another place and time, that might have been a vocation for me. But I do miss making dinner with or for a special someone. Not that cooking for my kids isn't great, but there is definitely something amazing about putting together a special meal for a special person and the feeling you get when they love it.

9. Massages. On both sides. I love to take care of someone and make them feel just a little bit better after a long day. I also won't say no if they want to give me a back rub as well.

10. Having a partner. Just knowing that there is someone waiting to spend time with me at the end of a long day...

So now, I think I might be ready again. I am not 100% positive, because I think I still have some healing to do, but I do know that if that special someone comes along, I'm not going to run in the other direction the way I have been doing. I've spent a lot of time with friends and family these days. Putting into perspective my priorities and goals in life has become a focus for me. Knowing that I am making some changes in myself to be a better person overall has helped me open up to all of the possibilities that life has to offer.

Don't misunderstand me though. I am not going to settle for Mr. right now just to have companionship. I would rather be alone than settle. Never again. But neither am I going to close myself off from the option of being with someone. It just has to be the right person for me.. I'm not looking, but if he's out there then maybe the universe will bring us together.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Things Left Unsaid

This is ripped directly from Adam's site, but I loved it so much, I had to do it here.

"Sometimes it's about the things we can't say. Whether it's because we're not brave enough, or just because the opportunity has passed, these unspoken phrases, positive or negative, supportive or detracting, reminiscent or in hindsight, deserve to be heard."

  • I still blame you for her death. If I could, I would have you locked in jail without the possibility of parole. I try not to, but I hope you rot in hell for your evil deeds.

  • I'm sick of being a friend of convenience to you. You only call me when you need something and are never there for me when I need you in return.

  • Please stop posting horrible things about people on FaceBook. You are the most negative person I know.

  • You're so much more amazing than you will ever let yourself believe. I mean every word that I say to you and hope that one day you will understand that I speak the truth.

  • I feel like you abandoned me and you don't have any idea. You never will.

  • You're so much better than the way you behave.

  • I never liked you. At all. I think your stupidity is singularly overwhelming to anyone who spends more than 10 minutes in your presence.

  • Stop being so judgemental. Not everyone has to live in this world by YOUR standards. It's annoying to everyone who knows you.

  • You deserve better than him.

  • Your existence makes me uncomfortable and I am scared of you.

  • Your children hate you.

  • Every time I see your name, I think about you and wonder what might have been.

  • You hurt someone I love so badly that I never thought he would be whole again. I think you are a selfish asshole who ignores everyone else's feelings for the sake of your own. And? You live in a bubble that other people are all too willing to keep around you. I don't even know why that is.

  • I stopped calling you because I knew you were going to die soon and I couldn't bring myself to see that happen to someone else I cared about. I'm so sorry I was weak.

  • You fill the people around you with joy and wonder. You are the strongest person that I know and my heart breaks for your suffering.

These are just some of the things I've been wanting to say. I'm kind of brain dead this week, but there is so much going on that I can't even process all of it.