Monday, May 30, 2011

Fat and Happy?

I wonder if being happy makes you fat?  

Not necessarily MAKES you fat, but is there a correlation between being happy and maybe having a few extra pounds to lose?  Do some people take shortcuts with their health and fitness when things are going well?  

I don't really know the answer to that in general terms, but I do know that answer in my own life and that is a resounding Y-E-S.  I have gained close to 20 pounds in the last 2 years.  I have gone from mostly fit to a little out of shape.  I got lazy.  But was I really happy?  I know that I was depressed at times.  I was on medication for a misdiagnosed condition, so that had something to do with the weight gain.  I thought I was blissfully happy, so instead of making more time to take care of myself, I was spending more time working, with my children and my partner and I quit doing the physical things that both kept me in shape and released endorphins into my system, thus helping to keep my weight down.

I have pretty much always been on the thin side.  Most people thought I had an eating disorder for a long time, just because I had a super low BMI.  Not true.  What I had was a life filled with chaos.  I was going to school, working two to three jobs at a time and I was on my feet constantly.  This kept me slim.  Not skinny, but slim.  I have always looked like I weigh about 10 - 15 pounds less than I really do, so there was also a misperception of how much I weighed.  What was still on the pretty thin side was considered super skinny by people who didn't know me, because they looked at me and thought I was much smaller than I really was.  I even had a few doctors get on my case, which was hilarious because back then, I cold eat anything I wanted and not gain an ounce.  But I was constantly stressed out.  I was working my ass off, literally.  So keeping in shape wasn't difficult.

Then came a second child.  I had to work a lot harder to lose that weight and get in shape.  But I did it and I started kickboxing, which is really great for toning up and burning calories.  But I still felt unhappy.  I still had this internal drive to keep moving forward, keep going on, keep working harder.  So I did, but I never felt really happy.

But as I said before, in the last two years, I slowed down.  I took time to focus on my health and well being.  I got a mixed up group of medicines and I got lazy.  And let's face it: a little chubby.  I stopped kickboxing.  I quit yoga and dance.  And even when I was working hard and traveling, I didn't focus on being healthy.  I ate on the run and what I did eat was full of fat.  That added to sitting on my ass and doing nothing also helped contribute.

So what does it all mean?  I don't think being happy means you gain weight.  I think losing sight of who you are - in my case - certainly helped add to it though.  And since I am changing my life, I am also changing this "thing" that is bothering me.  These few extra pounds that I am carrying around need to go bye-bye.  I neither need nor want to be skinny though.  I want to be fit and in shape.  I want to work off some of this cellulite and tone up again.  AND I think punching a heavy bag would help me out so much right now.  I even have some faces that I could tape up there for motivation!

I am so excited to be writing again.  I don't know where this is going, but I am doing it for ME.  Just like Ricky Bobby.

Have a safe and wonderful Memorial Day weekend and take the time out of your day to thank a veteran.

Much love.

Thursday, May 26, 2011


I have been super emotional lately.  It's easily explained and understandable considering the fact that pretty much everything in my life has changed.  

The most important thing is that I continue to tell myself that it's OK to cry.  I hate crying.  I don't lean on other people or look outside of myself for support.  But tonight, I did just that.  I called a friend.  A great, wonderful, loving friend who was sooooo there for me.  Just to listen and tell me that I am a good person and that I do deserve good things in life and that it's OK to be sad right now.  

Surprisingly enough, I'm not that angry.  Maybe that will come later.  Ok, scratch that, I am angry, but I'm trying to not let it overtake me.  My main emotion right now is sadness and hurt.  And self-loathing.  I have never really let that many people get close to me and now I feel like a fool because I did let someone in and they have almost destroyed me.  Someone I thought was my best friend turned out to be anything but a friend.  

So now, I feel like I am starting all over.  Again.  For the umpteenth time.  And I have to seriously ask myself how much of this is my fault because I opened myself up to being hurt.  Knowingly.  I honestly knew that there was a good chance that things would end up the way they did.  It's like the story of the Frog and the Scorpion.  The scorpion promises not to sting the frog if he takes him across the river, but halfway across, he stings him anyway.  Because THAT IS WHAT A SCORPION DOES!!!!  And I got stung.  I knew I would get stung.  

So now, I just have to get the venom out.  It is going to take a long time because I was stung over and over and over again.  Like a fool.  Like the stupid frog who died.  But I love frogs.  They are actually some of my favorite creatures.  They learn how to adapt to their environments and blend in to protect themselves from predators.  

So I am going to learn to be more like the frog, without the trusting nature in the fable.  I will learn how to blend into my environment.  I will try to heal and to move on, because I have gotten through worse things than this.  Not many, but I think I can do it.  

And the next time I see a scorpion, I will crush it under my 4 inch stilettos.

Monday, May 23, 2011

It's Never Too Late to Start Over

In the last few years, my life has had more changes than I ever expected. If someone had told me when I started this blog that at thirty-three years old I would be single and unemployed, I would have bitch slapped them, but here I am anyway.

I have made some poor decisions in my life. I have alienated friends and family. I have gone on medication, gone off of medication, gone back on medication and switched medication more times than a Hollywood starlet changes lovers. I have battled through some serious health issues. I have strained against the chains that I felt were binding me until they were broken. I have added to my own suffering by burrowing in my nest and shutting out the world. I stopped writing. I stopped taking the joy that life has always handed to me.

Now I recognize that it is time for me to wake up. To grow up and move forward. I need to dig myself out of this hole of seclusion and delusion that I have been living in and embrace life again. Because I once enjoyed the world. For all the wrongs and negatives that there are out there, there is so much more that is right and good.

I have friends and family who love me. I have things to offer to others. I have a full life to live and I can't do that while curled up in the fetal position with my sheets pulled over my head, refusing to do more than the basic necessities in order to survive.

I have completely changed my life recently. And you know what? I am happier than I can ever remember being. Sure I have moments, a lot of moments (let's be honest here), filled with doubt and self-loathing. But I have recognized my life for what it has become and I am making changes. Most people would probably fall into an even deeper depression to wake up one morning and realize that they no longer have a job or a relationship. But me? I am thrilled.

I can now make my life anything I want it to be. It's kind of like spending during a recession. It doesn't make sense, but somehow it works economically. I don't want to save my joys for a rainy day. I don't want to hoard a chance at happiness for the future. My chance is right now, in this time and place, to do what I want, when I want it.

I am going for the brass ring. That ever elusive symbol of wholeness that seems so far out of reach. It's not though. I can see it. It's right in front of me. I don't know what it represents to me - YET. All I know is that it is just sitting there, waiting for me to grab on tight and never let go.

My world is filled with limitless opportunities. I can be anyone, I can do anything and I can and will take my time, explore my options and not only make the best of my situation, but I will make life my bitch. I spit in the direction of haters and detractors. I laugh in the face of uncertainty. And last but not least, I take heart that I have people out there who care for and love me the way that I deserve.

I am Autumn and I am happy.