Monday, January 21, 2008

For Lack of a Better Title

I have missed you guys. Probably more than you can imagine. Thanks so much to those of you who have been checking in with me. I am not ignoring anyone.... I've just been busy.

Sometimes I feel like I fill my life with all-day activities so that I don't have to take any time to really THINK about my life. In truth, I have been blessed. Yes I have had some incredibly soul trying times throughout my life. I have been in abusive situations. I have abused myself. But in the end, I come out feeling like it has all been worth it. But underlying everything is the reality that the things that affect me, the ones that eat away at me will always be there. Do I keep ignoring them? Do I "confront the demons"? I really don't know the answer to either one of those questions. I just put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Day after day. Some are good, some are not. Life isn't easy and I don't expect it to be, but every once in a while I would like to have that illusion.

Not to sound uncaring or self-centered because I was sincerely affected by the recent death that I posted about a couple of weeks ago, but at that point in time, I think that I was so distraught because one of the first things that I thought was that I could have been that girl. The one who thought that life was too impossible to go on. When I was younger I thought about ending my life almost daily. Some days it was all I could think about. When I finally got out of the situation I was in growing up, I didn't know how to handle myself. So I went right out and hitched myself to another kind of abuse. It was almost as if I didn't want to have a happy home life. Destruction and chaos was all that I knew and the only times I felt comfortable in my own skin was when I was back in those kinds of situations. That cycle of ups and downs and arguing and breaking things and anger were like home to me. Looking back on those years, I can't believe that the person in those hazy memories is me.

I am so glad that I got out.

In the ensuing years I have struggled with pulling myself out of the morass that was slowly sucking me under. I often worked over eighty hours a week at three different jobs while attending college. After over a decade of struggling, I am finally at a point in my life where I don't feel like I have to work two or more jobs. I have a career. One that I am surprisingly successful at. I have a mortgage and two cars and we take vacations. Even though I still work more than many, it is because I deem it to be so. Not because I won't be able to pay the electric bill if I don't.

This post is following my feelings right now. Rambling and inefficient. I know what I want to say but not how to properly compose those thoughts in an orderly manner, so forgive me this indulgence.

To get to the point, I am still one step ahead of those old demons from so long ago. And now I finally feel like I am inching further and further ahead of them. I am still too scared to turn around and tell them to eat my dust, but one day soon, that is what I hope to accomplish.

I am so glad that I didn't stand still and let them swallow me whole.

On a lighter note, I recently found out that my mom started reading my blog. Stressed me out a bit when my dad mentioned it. I sent her an e-mail kind of dancing around the fact that I knew she wouldn't be thrilled with the way I butcher the English language and she sent this note back to me:

"I love your blog, you are a very talented writer. I think it is hilarious."

How fucking cool is that?


Sunday, January 6, 2008


I remember your big blue eyes.
The first time I met you, I wondered if there really was a color that blue outside of a crayon box.
You grew up right down the street.
You grew up in my house.

My grandmother was your grandmother, if not by blood, then by love and affection.
Such a sweet and beautiful girl with the sunniest smile;
I had never seen you unhappy.
Who knows what happens in someone else's mind?

The last time I saw you was in August and you were working at a chance booth at the Corn Festival.
Your eyes sparkling, your long blond hair gleaming in the afternoon sun, you flashed those killer dimples at me and told me of your excitement about school.
You were starting in the law enforcement program at the area vocational school.

You watched my children for me.
You played with them.
It seemed like a circle, beginning with you as the baby and then, there you were, taking care of my babies.

I thought about you and your mom often and fondly.
You lived a mile away, but time and circumstance kept us from seeing one another very often.
That and the shared memories of the woman who helped mold both of our lives.
I think that after her death, it was easier to stay away than to talk about the old times.

Your aunt called me on Thursday morning.
Your mother's sister.
She said that you were gone.
Half asleep, I didn't fully comprehend her meaning.
Not until she told me that you took your own life.

I cried into the phone.
Still not believing.

You took a rope and hung yourself from a tree.
Parked your car and walked into the woods.

A life so short and full of promise.
Ended needlessly.
Now your family is left to pick up the pieces.
Your mother and brother and sisters.
Your nephew and nieces.
Your other friends and family who will always remember the beautiful girl with the big blue eyes and dimples.

Goodbye sweetheart.
I have no answers, only questions for you.
My greatest wish is that our grandmother was on the other side waiting for you with open arms and a smile.

I just came home from the funeral of a sixteen year old girl who took her own life. I knew her as a child and she was one of the sweetest little things. My grandmother practically raised her when she was little and she even went on vacation with her a few times.

As a young woman, I am not sure that I had ever seen a more beautiful girl. She was remarkable.

She took her own life this past week. I don't know why. I don't know if anyone does.

Often in our little blogging world, we talk about depression and the ways we have to deal with it. We bitch and moan and cry and complain. Today I had to look at the body of a young woman whose life was cut so short by her own hand. I saw, with my own eyes, the bruising around her neck where the rope bit into her skin.

Now I sit here at my computer doing the only thing I know to deal with the sadness. The tears roll down my cheeks unchecked. Time moves backwards to the last time I saw this girl and in my mind, I keep asking myself why she would do this. In my heart, I know that there is not one good reason for ending your own life. In my head, I am sixteen again with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I realize that in life, we are ultimately the deciders of our own fate. Those decisions are rarely taken away from us. But I know this one thing. I know that in death, we lose the power to make anymore choices.

There are sympathies and platitudes for this kind of thing. Her mother is not doing well. Everyone can see it. I can only hope that her death does not lead to another one.

My heart is aching. It actually physically hurts. I have to return to work tomorrow after a long vacation and I just don't know how it will be.

I think I am going to take a break from blogging. It might be a week. It may be a month. I may not come back. Maybe with a little time and perspective, I can be that person that I was before Thursday. We'll see.

Thursday, January 3, 2008


I've gone and done it! I FINALLY found a Wii. I was half-heartedly attempting to procure one before Christmas for our "family" present, but with work and illnesses and holiday pageants and parties it just wasn't meant to be. After Christmas, I became more dedicated and made a plan of action and here it is:

  1. Call every store in the area once a day to inquire if they got any Wii's in that morning or the evening before and the following is the list of the stores that I called:
  2. Walmart - 4 of them
  3. Target - 3 of them
  4. Costco - 1 of them
  5. Best Buy - 2 of them
  6. After a lot of phone calls, I hit pay dirt with the nearest Walmart. The guy told me that they had just gotten a shipment in and they had one left but he couldn't hold it for me.
  7. I threw on a hoodie and some shoes (no shower, brushed teeth and hair in a ponytail) and rushed though the snow to the store.
  8. I raced down the aisles and arrived to find the VERYLASTFREAKINGWiiINTHESTORE
  9. I growled Wii!!!! at the poor fellow and he rang me up.
  10. I spent the next 6 hours trying to find an extra controller
  11. I got that but not the 2nd nunchuk thingie

Now it is 2:00 in the morning and my husband is still playing the thing. I think I touched it for all of 10 minutes before I got bored and dizzy with some Mario World game where a giant planet spins around in 3-D circles. Blech! As soon as I find the new Zelda game though, the family better back the fuck off. I am addicted to Zelda and I am not ashamed to say it, so there.

Random shit:

  • I have to go back to work on Monday after 2 weeks vacation - glorious
  • I stopped by my sister-in-law's house today (husband's brother's wife who I love!) and we bitched about the in-laws. We have already decided that I am hosting Easter so we don't have to go to my MIL's house
  • Christmas was AWESOME with my family UNTIL the in-laws came over that evening
  • My SIL from out of state and her husband are ice cold assholes. They brought a DOG to my house and then proceeded to hook up some Rock Star game for their Xbox (which they brought as well) and played it from the time they arrived until they left. Neither one of them said ONE word to me. I actually spoke to them both and got monosyllabic responses from the two of them. Idiots. These two should donate their brains to science to see if it is possible to make a full brain from two half-wits.
  • I waited a week and told my husband what I thought of their behavior. He noticed it as well and agreed with my perception of their fucktarded social skills and lack of respect. I also told him that they are not welcome back. Period.
  • I am now 30 and the only difference is that I am no longer in my 20's. Here's a toast to this decade being better than the last.
  • I was supposed to have people over on New Year's Eve, but with all of the illnesses going around not many people made it. I did drink three bottles of champagne with a girlfriend and was not buzzed one bit.
  • I think being on my period keeps me from getting intoxicated.
  • I want a hysterectomy. I will donate my womb to someone. It works really well. I just don't want it anymore.
  • I am not a cat person, but I have to say that our cat Butter is the coolest pet ever. My cleaning gal tried to steal him from us. He thinks he is a dog. Plus he follows me around the house. I like him better than either one of our dipshit, smelly dogs. HE does not make a mess or track mud through my house like those two.
  • I have no resolutions for the new year. I don't believe in making something I know I will break anyway. I am who I am and only I can change me.
  • The above is a mantra, not a resolution.
  • Cramps suck butthair dingleberries. There is not enough over the counter shit to take care of them. I get prescription drugs. Then I forget where they are and suffer anyway. I may be a masochist.
  • 2:00 AM is not the best time for incoherent rambling.
  • I know I haven't been blogging or visiting enough lately, but I am on VACATION!!!

I will stop by soon and visit y'all. Plus I put an e-mail link on my about me page, so you can now send me messages if you feel the need.

Oh and I hope all spammers get anally raped by a jackhammer in the New Year.

The End