Sunday, January 6, 2008

?????

I remember your big blue eyes.
The first time I met you, I wondered if there really was a color that blue outside of a crayon box.
You grew up right down the street.
You grew up in my house.

My grandmother was your grandmother, if not by blood, then by love and affection.
Such a sweet and beautiful girl with the sunniest smile;
I had never seen you unhappy.
Who knows what happens in someone else's mind?

The last time I saw you was in August and you were working at a chance booth at the Corn Festival.
Your eyes sparkling, your long blond hair gleaming in the afternoon sun, you flashed those killer dimples at me and told me of your excitement about school.
You were starting in the law enforcement program at the area vocational school.

You watched my children for me.
You played with them.
It seemed like a circle, beginning with you as the baby and then, there you were, taking care of my babies.

I thought about you and your mom often and fondly.
You lived a mile away, but time and circumstance kept us from seeing one another very often.
That and the shared memories of the woman who helped mold both of our lives.
I think that after her death, it was easier to stay away than to talk about the old times.

Your aunt called me on Thursday morning.
Your mother's sister.
She said that you were gone.
Half asleep, I didn't fully comprehend her meaning.
Not until she told me that you took your own life.

I cried into the phone.
"What?"
Still not believing.

You took a rope and hung yourself from a tree.
Parked your car and walked into the woods.
Why?

A life so short and full of promise.
Ended needlessly.
Now your family is left to pick up the pieces.
Your mother and brother and sisters.
Your nephew and nieces.
Your other friends and family who will always remember the beautiful girl with the big blue eyes and dimples.

Goodbye sweetheart.
I have no answers, only questions for you.
My greatest wish is that our grandmother was on the other side waiting for you with open arms and a smile.



I just came home from the funeral of a sixteen year old girl who took her own life. I knew her as a child and she was one of the sweetest little things. My grandmother practically raised her when she was little and she even went on vacation with her a few times.

As a young woman, I am not sure that I had ever seen a more beautiful girl. She was remarkable.

She took her own life this past week. I don't know why. I don't know if anyone does.

Often in our little blogging world, we talk about depression and the ways we have to deal with it. We bitch and moan and cry and complain. Today I had to look at the body of a young woman whose life was cut so short by her own hand. I saw, with my own eyes, the bruising around her neck where the rope bit into her skin.

Now I sit here at my computer doing the only thing I know to deal with the sadness. The tears roll down my cheeks unchecked. Time moves backwards to the last time I saw this girl and in my mind, I keep asking myself why she would do this. In my heart, I know that there is not one good reason for ending your own life. In my head, I am sixteen again with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I realize that in life, we are ultimately the deciders of our own fate. Those decisions are rarely taken away from us. But I know this one thing. I know that in death, we lose the power to make anymore choices.

There are sympathies and platitudes for this kind of thing. Her mother is not doing well. Everyone can see it. I can only hope that her death does not lead to another one.

My heart is aching. It actually physically hurts. I have to return to work tomorrow after a long vacation and I just don't know how it will be.

I think I am going to take a break from blogging. It might be a week. It may be a month. I may not come back. Maybe with a little time and perspective, I can be that person that I was before Thursday. We'll see.

46 comments:

Kitty said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I send hugs and kisses from me to you.

It is a terrible tragedy and nothing but time can lessen the pain, but for now you should grief your loss and rage at the injustice. I hope that you are okay and I hope you return again when you are ready.

Love Kitty xxx

BottleBlonde said...

Oh sweet girl, my heart hurts with yours for this tragedy. You have every right to take the time you need to mourn your dear friend.

Take comfort in your family and in hers. And try as hard as you can to remember the good times you shared with her. Celebrating her memory is the best thing you can do for your aching heart.

{{{HUG AND KISS}}}

wafelenbak said...

I'm so, so very sorry.
Do what you have to do. But I do hope to read you again, as you so often manage to bring joy and laughter to the blosophere!

abstractjenn said...

I am so sorry for your loss of this beautiful 16 year old girl. I'm thinking of you and sending you good energy.

I agree with bb - remember the good times if you can. It may be too early for that but try. Time does heal - you'll never forget but the pain will lessen. Unfortunately we never know how long that will take.

I hope you come back soon - we would miss you terribly.

xoxo
Jenn

Franki said...

How tragic. We will be thinking about you.

Warmest wishes.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Take care of yourself. I'm thinking about you.

Jeannie said...

I am so sorry. Life can be so hard for some. 2 friends of my children took their own lives (at different times) when it seemed they had so much to look forward to. One had a recording contract in Nashville, the other, a skateboarding sponsorship. One was clinically depressed and just released from suicide watch at the hospital and home for Christmas. The other, no one knew there was anything wrong. The pain never goes away. And there are never answers. We only learn to live with the unfathomable. Cry a river.

George said...

I am sorry that this happened, sorry that your friend had to do this.

As long as she lives in your memory, she did not die.

[[[HUG]]]

Hilly said...

It's hard to know what to say other than that I am sorry. But know that I truly am.

I hope that no matter how long it takes, you can find some peace after this terrible thing that happened.

Lots of love your way and the family's way as well...

Miss Britt said...

Oh honey.

My heart, your heart... something.

And blogging or not - you can always email me/IM me - whatever. Any time.

( . )( . ) said...

That is so heartbreaking. I think alot of people have suffered at the hands of suicide by a friend or family member. I think its alot harder to deal with, take your time, do what feels right. Maybe we will see you on here soon, maybe not, til then take care and look after yourself xx

Amanda said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

golfwidow said...

I am sorry.

lspoon said...

Oh honey I'm so sorry. There is just no reason for things like this to happen.

Take your time. We're here for you.

Paulette Foley said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and with her family.

Glamourpuss said...

Hey, lovely one. I am so sad to hear of such a tragedy. hearfelt condolences to you. Suicide is the cruellest death to deal with. If you need a place to vent, feel free to email me - I have lived through the effects of suicide.

Puss

Kim Ayres said...

((hugs))

My thoughts are with you

Not a Granny said...

I am so very sorry.

Tug said...

OH.MY. There are no words...all I can offer are many ((hugs)) and prayers.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. There's no way to make sense of something like this. Please know that there are a lot of us out here who are praying for you and hoping that you do come back. Big hug to you, woman. Hang in there. -Jenn

nudeman40 said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with. This is a very difficult thing to grasp. Please know we all are with you.

Avitable said...

I'm so sorry.

RWA said...

I have known two people who have taken their own lives. One I knew was having problems; the other I had no idea.

I agree that it seems senseless, but I have no idea what was going through their minds - or the mind of anyone who even considers such.

Remember the positive times and the good things about this young lady.

BBS said...

Wow..I am so sorry to hear this...Really super sorry..What a terrible thing to go through..I saw her obituary in the paper and I thought, wow, what a beautiful little girl..I wonder what happened to her..Now, unfortunately, I know. I love you very much and if you need ANYTHING then please call..I will be right there!
xoxo
love
liz

Effortlessly Average said...

This is one of those moments when words are summarily poor vehicles for sentiment, but I do wish there was something I could do/say that would at least allow you to make sense of it all.

"I have no answers, only questions for you."

I suppose that's what all those who remain feel toward one so lost that the cold embrace of death feels like the last, best option. I'd also imagine that we're all opposed to suicide, right up to that moment when we decide it's the only "solution."

I'm far from a religious man, but if I might be forgiven what might sound like hypocrisy to those who know me, God bless her... and those she left behind. I wish you the best ADW.

K.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Oh, that's awful news. Just awful.

I hope to see you back, Hooters.

What a beautiful and sad recollection of the girl.

metalmom said...

I am so sorry. My daughter is 16 and I can't imagine...

Remember to breathe. You will get through, though it hurts to think about it.

I'm thinking of you and praying for you and I hope You come back to us...eventually...

Kelly said...

Take care. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sorry for this pain you are going through.

I know it all too well. :-(

Mr. Fabulous said...

Oh my God. I am so so sorry.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I am saddened by your loss. Gosh, this is so common and growing. And so sad.

I think the worst thing about suicide is that it's like the person vomits all their pain and angst onto everyone around them. Families, friends, strangers then have to sort through that pain.

I'm sorry you're left sorting. Let me know if there's a way I can help.

Marianne said...

~~Hugs~~

I lost someone two and a half years ago to suicide. Take your time to nurture your feelings. Time will take some of the hurt, but never all of it.

I'm sorry my friend. I'll be thinking of you.

MARFSBABY said...

You're right honey, there are sympathies and platitudes for this kind of thing and we grasp for them when really, there's no one way to say WTF just right is there? As a mother of a sixteen year old girl, I can not imagine the depth and toll this is going to take on everybody but pray for all of you for strength and togetherness right now. I'm so sorry you and your family are in this place. Take care, you'll be missed.

themuttprincess said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Very beautiful words for her.

Memphis Steve said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I don't know what to say. It hurts just reading it.

Miss Kitty said...

Dear God. I am so sorry for your loss, and for the pain your friend was in.

Been through something similar, myself. If you need to talk, drop me a line:

misskitty_ep(at)bellsouth.net

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

That is horrible. I went to a funeral for a young person once, and it was the single saddest thing I've ever experienced.

Hang in there, kid.

Betty said...

Oh my goodness, this hurt my heart just reading it.

I don't know what to say, it just is terribly sad.

Cuddles and kind thoughts for you babe xx

Jupiter's Girl said...

It must be epidemic. That's the third 16 year old girl I've heard of taking her life in the last month. It's so sad, and such a shock. I want to tell every teenage girl how much better life gets as you get older and gain more personal power.

My sympathies, ADW.

Paticus said...

I'm very sorry. My thoughts are with you.

VE said...

I'm so very saddened in reading about your loss. Your words were mesmerizing, haunting, and very sad. It made me feel like my loss too. Take whatever road to healing you need. Don't forget your blogging network; they can be a good source of contact and healing too...

GoteeMan said...

So sorry... Unfortunately, I do understand what can bring a person to that point - spent 8 years (ages 13-20) there, attempting twice, and had some incredible twists occur which literally are the reason I am still here. Now have been depression free for almost 20 years, but it was rough. Through it all, I learned alot about myself and others, and believe that identity is in who we are and not what we do. It breaks my heart when a person so young takes their own life. It once again reminds me to be more sensitive and observant of those around me. It is amazing how much difference a single person reaching out and caring can make sometimes, although some people are determined to end their own lives anyway. For me, the points where I was closest to ending it all were not the times I was in deepest depression, but rather the times when I was resolved (to go through with it). At those points, nobody would have ever guessed. I never want my two sons to feel what I felt... my hope and prayer is that they grow into the fullness of understanding who they are, and are able to see circumstances for what they are - temporary situations - and not end them with a permanent decision.
J/

Chuck said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care...

Chuck

Samantha_K said...

Oh, I wish I had more to say than "I'm sorry".

But don't we all.

(hugs) my dear!

Amy said...

I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

The Chief said...

My gut is wrenching just reading this.

You look for answers, I understand. I don't know if life is anything more than the search for those answers.

I hope you come back but if you don't, it's understandable.

God Bless.

Dan O. said...

So very truly sorry to hear about the source of your grief, ADW.

At the risk of being trite, though we can never know the true reason why someone took their life, it was their decision to make regardless how wrong we think it may be and our lives go on.

I had a very close relative take his own life some years back. Though I was very stricken by it, I came to believe it was his decision and learned to accept and respect that.

You and all who loved her should remember her life, not how she died.

Trite or not, all sympathies are offered.