Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I have been so incredibly sad lately.  Sad and heartbroken.  In a world where I consider myself a fighter.  A big, bad ass, spit in your face as soon as look at you fighter.  And I have no fight left in me.  I am empty inside.  

It's so very difficult to explain to someone what that means.  But when you are someone like me, you tend to have an on/off switch.  When I was younger, that switch got flipped a lot more.  Now with age and experience, I have been able to keep that switch on.  Even when everything in me was screaming to turn the it off and shut the door.  To walk away and not look back.  I have kept the switch turned on.  The light bulbs were mostly burnt out, but that didn't stop me from believing that they would turn on again.  Now...... well now I think it's time to walk away.  Because I can't keep the lights on all by myself.  And I am sick to death of trying.  If being put into the position where I am a bad - fill in the blank - if I don't keep at it.  If I don't do everything possible, I will regret it.

Guess what people?  I am not a saint.  Not even close to one.  In fact, I am the opposite side of the saintly spectrum.  I would never intentionally hurt another person, but god damn am I sick of walking around on eggshells and biting my tongue.  What about my feelings?  You know, I do have feelings.  I guess I have been so good at building walls that other people forget that I am a mere human with human emotions.  And then I get hurt and I shut down.  The switch flips and I am D-O-N-E done.

The last couple of days have been so emotionally draining for me and I feel like pulling my hair out.  That or sticking my head in an oven until I look like a crazy Helena Bonham Carter character.  I don't really think it's fair that as a woman I am automatically judged by two standards.  How good a mother I am and how good a wife I am.  That's not fair.  Especially since I work in a highly professional world where I am not only at the top of my game, but I am very respected within the market I work.  I have busted my ass for the last seven years to make sure that I got where I have and I don't appreciate that being brushed aside because other people think I have to fit into a mommy mold.  

Don't get me wrong, the greatest joy in my life are my two children and the fact that I have managed to raise very wonderful kids.  But it pisses me the fuck off that I am first judged by those two standards and that I am being made to feel like a failure because one of them isn't doing so well.  Again.

I am so over trying to live up to other people's expectations of me - including my family's.  I love them, but they can be very judgmental even though they try not to be.  I can't stay in a situation that makes me so unhappy.  Not for me, not for my children, not for anyone.  And the biggest problem is that I am going to end up hurting someone that I truly love.  But loving someone and being able to be with them are two different things and I am now starting to recognize that.  I am now beginning to understand that I shouldn't have to be hurt over and over again by someone who should cherish me.  And before you start the lynching, let me just say that it doesn't meant that they are a bad person, because they are the opposite of that.  But I just can't live like this anymore.

I don't care if anyone reads this.  Or my blog anymore for that fact.  I am going back to what I originally set this up for and that is an outlet for my emotions.  Good, bad or ugly this is the place where it's all going to come out, so hold on to your cocks.... it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Tay Sachs Fundraiser - I'll Dance on the Bar

Hey everyone!  I thought I would post this so that anyone who is interested in attending would be able to do so.

As many of you know, my wonderful friends Julie and Ken Bihn have two great daughters.  Their oldest daughter plays soccer with my daughter and I have been so very blessed to have their family touch my life.  Their younger daughter Dakota has Tay Sachs disease and for anyone who is interested in learning more, please click on the link on the upper right hand side of the page.  

Ken and Julie are truly an inspiration to everyone around them and have raised a huge amount of money for Tay Sachs research and we all believe that there will one day be a cure for this disease.  Several months ago, Julie and I were brainstorming and came up with a great idea!  Why not have a fundraiser at a bar?  Sell tickets, eat and drink, have a raffle and dance.  So with the help of the Blue Moose Saloon in Parma, Ohio (where I once bartended), we have finally planned our event.  February 21st - a Saturday - from 6:30 - 8:30 we will be holding the fundraiser.  Julie and I (no offense Julie, but please put emphasis on the I), will be guest bartending (-=.  The tickets are 25.00 each and 15.00 from each ticket will be donated to the Cure Tay Sachs foundation.  The other 10.00 will go to the restaurant to pay for the food and the drinks.  There will be a reverse raffle as well and I think we probably have a couple of surprises up our sleeves for other things.

If anyone is interested in attending, please let me know.  I am aware that most of you are from out of town, but if any of you know people in the Cleveland area who would want to come, please encourage them to do so.  We have just under a month to sell our tickets and I am hoping that we get at least 200 people there which would be such a great thing.

If you can't go or aren't interested, I completely understand.  With everyone's lives so busy, it is understandable that you can't do it all.  

Please pray that there is no snow that day!

Also, if you get me in a REALY good mood, we might end up dancing on the bar which is a hit no matter where you are, so win/win.

Thank you all for your support of my friends and their foundation.  


Monday, January 19, 2009


After all of the emotional turmoil of the last few weeks, I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown.  So, bronchitis, ear infection and all, my girlfriend and I took off for Nashville on a spur of the moment trip.  Oh my God was that amazing!

First of all, who in their right mind decides to take a three day weekend at 7:00 PM on a Friday night and is on the road by midnight?  But we did.  We packed up and I went and picked her up at her place.  I made hotel reservations at the Hilton in Downtown Nashville two hours before I left.  

At the start of the trip, my GPS said that we would be arriving at 8:49 AM.  Our actual arrival time was 6:03 AM.  Tee-Hee.  I knocked almost 2 hours off of the drive time and totally forgot about the hour time difference.  Luckily the hotel was amazing (plus I am an Honors member) and they let us check in super early.

The weekend was amazing.  We went to the Country Music Hall of Fame - which I like better than the Rock Hall.  We had AMAZING BBQ at Jack's on Broadway.  We went to a bunch of bars, met some of the nicest people around and ended up at Tootsies Wild Orchid which is a Nashville tradition where most, if not all of the country music legends have played.

And I danced on the bar.

And I only got into one altercation.

The music?  Defies description.  Hands down the best live country/rock/honky tonk music I have ever heard.  And the crazy thing is that there are NO cover charges at any of these bars.  The bands play for FREE.  They pass out tip buckets and play requests for tips.  Now trust me, this weekend, the guys and gals were raking it in, but not one time all evening on Saturday did any of the bands we see take a break.  They played all night long and their voices somehow managed to stay intact.

The fiddle player was the best thing I saw all night.  Beautiful and talented, this young woman (Cara was her name) set the roof on fire with her playing.  I wouldn't have been surprised to see fire shooting off of her instrument.  I am so jealous!

Sunday wasn't as nice since we were both recovering from drinking half the rum in the city, but we went out and had brunch, a nap and then went back out for dinner.  It was a relatively early night for us and we are now on the road back to Cleveland.

But if anyone is interested in taking a trip to Nashville, I would highly recommend it.  Maybe not in January - it was a little chilly- but if you like live music, friendly people and a god time, Nashville can't be beat.

Thanks to everyone for their support and love these last few days.


Friday, January 16, 2009

Complete and Utter Frustration


Honestly, it seems like all I do these days is bitch and complain and moan without imparting a whole lot of information on why I am really upset.  I kind of feel like this blog is a waste of time.  I don't really have a whole lot of time to focus on writing anymore and it has always been such a big outlet to me.  I am not a good blogger because I haven't been commenting, even though I do still read a lot of the blogs I always read before.  So I am trying to figure out if I should even try to keep the blog.  

It's not that I don't want to write, I do.  But my focus has been so pulled lately that it is making me nuts.  I don't like doing anything half-assed and it feels like that's what has been posted up here for the last year.

Plus, well, the personal life ain't so great.  I am constantly feeling alone in a house full of people.  It's hard to explain and I have been hanging on for so long that I am this giant, nuclear melt-down type of breaking point.  I try to explain it to friends and family but they honestly don't get it.  You can't when you aren't in someone else's life 24/7.  

There was a major ultimatum given in my house 2 months ago and while on the surface things have changed, underneath it is the same old shit.  The crazy thing is that I have such a low threshold for bullshit and drama in my personal life that I can not believe that things have gotten as bad as they are.  

So now, in two weeks, we have the ultimate showdown.  I didn't want to do it.  I really didn't, but my hand was forced.  I wanted the other person to take some responsibility and take the next step.  But they are satisfied with the status quo and don't want anything to rock their happy little boat.  God forfuckingbid that your life changes so mine can get better.  If this last thing doesn't work, my life is going to get even more complex.  And maybe I am being lazy too. Instead of trying to make it better for me, I am just making everyone else around me miserable.  

I don't want to be that bitter, unhappy person that I knew the whole time I was growing up.  I'd rather be alone.

I don't believe in love anymore.  Not the kind that lasts.  Not a legacy for the following generations.  I've never had that.  Things that I have so badly wanted out of life just never seemed to appear.  And maybe I should be happy with what I have.  But I am not the type to settle.  

Things could be worse.

That makes me sad that I think that way.  

So I keep see-sawing back and forth knowing that if I am forced to make a decision on my own mental health and happiness, I am going to hurt someone that I still care about.  Someone I wanted so badly to be a life partner and not a roommate in a house where we share a mortgage.  I just feel like breaking down and crying and I don't cry.  I hate that emotional outlet because it drains me and really doesn't take care of or fix any of my problems.

I don't want to hurt anymore.  I don't want to be hurt anymore.  Nothing is giving.

I feel like the biggest loser in the world.  Why can't I make things work?  Why can't I just be happy with things the way they are?  Why do I always want and need more out of life?  Fulfillment?  Peace and serenity?  A clear path?

I can't answer these questions for myself, so I am going to go to someone else for help.  Uh, I'm not so good on relying on other people's opinions... trained or not.  And it's almost for me like my mind is made up.  Can I really do this?  I don't know.  I don't know anything right now.

So I will try to not be that compulsive crazy person that I normally am and just TRY.  


Sunday, January 4, 2009

To Smoke or Not To Smoke

Most of you all know that I am a smoker.  For a really long time, my life his kind of revolved around smoking.  The ciggies have been a constant companion in my life.  They have calmed my nerves and relaxed me.  Guided me through tears and turmoil.  They have accompanied many a glass, Okay bottle, of wine or run or whatever.

But now, they are gone.  My friends and constant companions for the last 16 years have been banished from my life.  For the last 87 hours, I have not smoked a cigarette.  Not one.  At all.  

I don't know what to do with myself.

Please do not congratulate me or throw roses at my feet yet.  This is the first time I have ever seriously tried to quit smoking.  The other two times I stopped, I was pregnant, and I really knew that I would most likely begin again.  The thing is I ENJOY smoking.  For non-smokers, that is a really hard thing to explain, but it is just that.  I KNOW that the chances of me falling off the wagon are very good.  My husband already did and we quit at the same time.  My one sister also quit and I think she is standing strong too.  Last night I almost smoked, but by the time my husband got back with the ciggies, I had passed out cold from exhaustion.

I really, really want to smoke.  Even with bronchitis, or walking pneumonia or whatever the hell it is I have this time, I want to smoke so bad it hurts.  Anyone who says that they can quit smoking whenever they want is a damned liar.  And an asshole.  They have never tried it.  I guar-an-tee.

So now I have to figure out things to do to keep from smoking and to take up my time:

1.  Masturbate - win-win
2.  Crochet - will increase my skillz, since it took me 4 years to finish my dad's birthday blanket.
3.  Kill my dogs - this will take approximately 8 seconds.  4 to load the gun, 2 to shoot them and 2 to reflect how I should clean up the mess.  
4.  Kill my dogs - Option #2 - poison.  I will have to spend at least 15 minutes each day mixing the poison in with their kibble, so it will have the added benefit of wasting more time.  However, they won't be dead as soon, so )-=.   
5.  Kill my dogs - Option #3 - train my cat to kill the dogs for me.  This will ease my conscience (meh) and I will spend even more time training my cat in the deadly art form of Ninja Chinese Star throwing.  It will take forever because, well, no opposable thumbs and all.  But he is really smart, so I think I can do it.
6.  Keep my house clean.  Pretty cool, but a lot of work and not as much fun as Cat Ninja Training.
7.  Go back to kickboxing class.  My ass is huuuuuuuuggggeeee!!!!  I need to lose weight and it will help keep my metabolism up which I will need because I am missing the extra metabolism from the cancer sticks.
8.  Start running again.  I hate running, but it will also help me keep up my metabolism and maybe I will even lose some weight.  I am a fat ass.
9.  Make a project list.  There is an ass load of things that need to be done in my house, so I could put together a list and start on it.
10. Plan my garden for next year.
11. Toilet paper my cunty neighbor's house.  This has the added benefit of helping me get rid of some of the ex-smoker's rage that I am carrying around.  I swear to God I am ready to kill someone.

My brain is too tired to think of anything else right now.

I have to travel A LOT for the next little while, but here are some dates if anyone is interested in getting together:

Austin, TX - 1/7 - 1/9
Chicago, IL - 1/12 - 1/14
Columbus, OH - 2/1 - 2/3
San Francisco/Silicon Valley, CA - 2/4 - 2/7

BONUS - my mom is going to try and meet me while I am in California.  I have to get my itinerary - Thank you craptarded travel site for being down for the last week (I still need to book my Chicago trip too!!!) - and see if I can change my flight to come back on the 8th.  I am so excited to see her again so soon and to spend some more time with her.  Hopefully it works out.  If not though, I am going to plan a special weekend trip with her.