Sunday, January 4, 2009

To Smoke or Not To Smoke

Most of you all know that I am a smoker.  For a really long time, my life his kind of revolved around smoking.  The ciggies have been a constant companion in my life.  They have calmed my nerves and relaxed me.  Guided me through tears and turmoil.  They have accompanied many a glass, Okay bottle, of wine or run or whatever.

But now, they are gone.  My friends and constant companions for the last 16 years have been banished from my life.  For the last 87 hours, I have not smoked a cigarette.  Not one.  At all.  

I don't know what to do with myself.

Please do not congratulate me or throw roses at my feet yet.  This is the first time I have ever seriously tried to quit smoking.  The other two times I stopped, I was pregnant, and I really knew that I would most likely begin again.  The thing is I ENJOY smoking.  For non-smokers, that is a really hard thing to explain, but it is just that.  I KNOW that the chances of me falling off the wagon are very good.  My husband already did and we quit at the same time.  My one sister also quit and I think she is standing strong too.  Last night I almost smoked, but by the time my husband got back with the ciggies, I had passed out cold from exhaustion.

I really, really want to smoke.  Even with bronchitis, or walking pneumonia or whatever the hell it is I have this time, I want to smoke so bad it hurts.  Anyone who says that they can quit smoking whenever they want is a damned liar.  And an asshole.  They have never tried it.  I guar-an-tee.

So now I have to figure out things to do to keep from smoking and to take up my time:

1.  Masturbate - win-win
2.  Crochet - will increase my skillz, since it took me 4 years to finish my dad's birthday blanket.
3.  Kill my dogs - this will take approximately 8 seconds.  4 to load the gun, 2 to shoot them and 2 to reflect how I should clean up the mess.  
4.  Kill my dogs - Option #2 - poison.  I will have to spend at least 15 minutes each day mixing the poison in with their kibble, so it will have the added benefit of wasting more time.  However, they won't be dead as soon, so )-=.   
5.  Kill my dogs - Option #3 - train my cat to kill the dogs for me.  This will ease my conscience (meh) and I will spend even more time training my cat in the deadly art form of Ninja Chinese Star throwing.  It will take forever because, well, no opposable thumbs and all.  But he is really smart, so I think I can do it.
6.  Keep my house clean.  Pretty cool, but a lot of work and not as much fun as Cat Ninja Training.
7.  Go back to kickboxing class.  My ass is huuuuuuuuggggeeee!!!!  I need to lose weight and it will help keep my metabolism up which I will need because I am missing the extra metabolism from the cancer sticks.
8.  Start running again.  I hate running, but it will also help me keep up my metabolism and maybe I will even lose some weight.  I am a fat ass.
9.  Make a project list.  There is an ass load of things that need to be done in my house, so I could put together a list and start on it.
10. Plan my garden for next year.
11. Toilet paper my cunty neighbor's house.  This has the added benefit of helping me get rid of some of the ex-smoker's rage that I am carrying around.  I swear to God I am ready to kill someone.

My brain is too tired to think of anything else right now.

I have to travel A LOT for the next little while, but here are some dates if anyone is interested in getting together:

Austin, TX - 1/7 - 1/9
Chicago, IL - 1/12 - 1/14
Columbus, OH - 2/1 - 2/3
San Francisco/Silicon Valley, CA - 2/4 - 2/7

BONUS - my mom is going to try and meet me while I am in California.  I have to get my itinerary - Thank you craptarded travel site for being down for the last week (I still need to book my Chicago trip too!!!) - and see if I can change my flight to come back on the 8th.  I am so excited to see her again so soon and to spend some more time with her.  Hopefully it works out.  If not though, I am going to plan a special weekend trip with her.


Avitable said...

I definitely think the kickboxing and running is a good idea - you'll feel better and it will be harder to go back to smoking.

Too bad you don't have any plans for Orlando!

Jeannie said...

Totally disrupt your routine. Confuse your body so it won't realize it's time for a smoke. It's best if you can move into a new home but if you can't, well...I was one who quit without difficulty but I never liked smoking anyway. My husband who had to quit for health reasons many years ago still wishes he could smoke he love(d?s?) it so much. He sawed a white bic pen casing to the length of a cigarette and filled it with cotton batting and would hold and drag on it whenever he needed to. You have no idea how many people tried to light the damn thing.

ADW said...

Avi - I NEED plans for Orlando. They keep falling through though.

Jeannie - I am trying. I am disrupting my routine by actually cooking and cleaning. Who knew?

Triana said...

First of all I would like to say that I am having a time too! The last 5 times I have quit haven't been nearly so hard. I think the problem I am having this time is it is my time to relax and chat with the girls at night. The daytime is easy because I stay busy with random things, but when the sunsets it is like I am a vampire craving blood. Who knew I could enjoy something so much that it actually makes me salivate thinking about it. Matter of fact I feel like one of Pavlov's dogs right now! Just take it one day at a time. That's all you can do! Love you, your nonsmoking Sis!!!!

AnkleBone said...

I say screw it and smoke. Life will be much easier. Why go through the torture of giving up something you enjoy?

Anonymous said...

The husband and I are quitting for good at the end of the month. I am scared shitless.

Marianne said...

Austin. Would love to see you and hang out again. If you don't leave on the 8th, my pool team has a playoff game that night.

It's at the bar next to the little Mexican place we had dinner at last time.

You should come over. If we win, it will be lots of fun. If we lose, well you may end up wishing you stayed at the hotel and ordered room service.

metalmom said...

It's hard,I know. I'll just wish you good luck. It's so different for everyone and what worked for me might not work for you. I get that.


Liz said...

Miss you and can't wait to see you! I would go with number one and eleven.
PS you are not a fat ass. For fuck's sake.