Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Other "F" Word

If anyone out there still reads this blog, then you know that I am not shy when it comes to the spewing forth of swear words. I bandy them about like condoms in a sex-ed class. In fact, I have even taught you all how to swear in multiple foreign languages and I have created some words that people still use on a daily basis.

That being said, there is something that I have never, ever done. Neither on this blog or in real life. What's that you ask? I know, it seems almost impossible, or at least highly improbably, that there is anything that I would think crosses the line, but even I have my limits and one of those limits is the use of slurs. I think that if you don't like someone, there are better ways of letting your dislike known. For example, I once called my neighbor a cum-guzzling twatmonger and I still stand by those words. Adam and I have insulted each other numerous times over the years and we LIKE one another. But I choose to be more creative with my insults. Instead of disparaging someone's race or creed or sexual orientation, I like to be a little more inventive and a lot less trite and tired with my insults.

Most of the time, when I do this, I mean no harm. There are others out there who do though and it seems that they have passed this little affliction down to their children.

The reason I am bringing this up is because while having dinner with my children this evening, my daughter was telling me about a boy that she has been having problems with in school all year. He has harassed her and bullied her, but she fights back and I am usually one to let kids be kids and not get involved unless something crosses the line.

I am seriously considering getting involved now.


Because the kid called my daughter the "F" word. No, not fucker or fuckhead or fucking bitch as I originally thought, but "faggot". Whether or not he knew better is irrelevant. At thirteen years old, there are things that you KNOW not to do. If she was black, I don't think he would have dared to call her the "N" word. But these kids throw words around without thinking about the consequences. At their age, labels and words hurt. It is difficult enough being a teenaged kid, but to have other children out there shooting off insults without thinking that they could be doing serious harm disturbs me.

And it isn't SD that I am worried about. She can take care of herself and while I won't say in detail what she did, I do believe that the boy will think very hard before he tries to insult her again in any way. I am proud of her for standing up for herself. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with being a better person. I have several people that I am very close to and whom have gotten me through extremely difficult times that I am PRIVILEGED to call my friends, who happen to be gay. It means nothing to me. I could care less if they were fucking eunuchs or leprechauns or had tails growing out of their ears. The only thing I care about is who they are as people.

Why oh why am I rambling on about this subject? Because it matters. Because there are people out there who are constantly being subjected to cruel and vicious statements and actions just because of who they are. And also? I am saddened by what I heard today. I don't want my children to be around ignorant and intolerant people, but there is no way to keep that from happening, so I try to teach them how to be good people.

And if they were to judge others, it would hopefully be on their woeful lack of fashion skills and ugly shoes as opposed to things that they themselves can not help.

But that's just me.

As for the rest, I think I am going to start by sending an e-mail to the school principal. I don't believe that these kids even realize how badly their words could hurt if said to the wrong person.

What do you think internet? Should I just let this go as an episode of kids being kids, or should I say something about it? I don't want to blow anything out of proportion, but it just doesn't seem right to me........

Sunday, March 14, 2010

For K

I rolled over this morning and looked into a pair of shining brown eyes. His grin was infectious as we cuddled and all I could think about was how happy he makes me every day of my life.

We don't spend nearly as much time together as we used to now, but we try to make the most of the time we have. Some days we go out to dinner and a movie, some days we just hang out. We talk about all sorts of things, big and small. The past, the present and the future. Sometimes he gets mad at me and some days I get irritated, but every day I wake up and thank God for his presence in my life and the blessings that he has brought to me.

On bad days, when I feel like a total failure, he can cheer me up with a sunny smile or a silly joke.

He has a quick wit and great sense of humor. He also has a quick temper. He is sweet and funny and one of my favorite people in the whole wide world.

I know that one day he won't want to cuddle with me anymore. One day he will grow up and start spending more time with his friends than he does with me. One day he will go off to college. One day he might marry a girl who will never, ever be good enough for him. One day he might have children of his own. One day he might move far away from me and I will be heartbroken.

But every single day of his life, he will always be my son. I love him with every breath I take and I would do anything for him. He is a light in my life. He is my Little Bear and no matter how big he gets I will always see my sunny little boy.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Doctor

I have to go to the doctor today.

I am thinking about canceling my appointment.

Doctors scare me and this one in particular scares me mightily.

I am afraid of what I might hear. I am also afraid of what I might not hear. It's unnerving to say the least.

I have been the biggest procrastinator my entire life and never more so than recently. I am stuck in a quagmire and I know I am sinking, but I just can't seem to find the reason to pull myself out of it anymore. The world keeps spinning on its axis and rotating around the sun, but I keep sinking lower and lower into the pit and the sun seems too far away to ever reach now.

I don't feel funny anymore. My inspiration comes from my dreams and they are not what I would deem pleasant. Not nightmares, but a hash reality of life vividly brought forth by my desperation and imagination. Where am I going? What am I doing? How will I get there? Do I even care anymore?

Sinking, sinking, sinking. Ever slowly down into the abyss.

Where are you when I need you? My inner self and most inspired and trusted confidant?

I don't even talk to myself anymore.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Goodbye Tennessee

She sat quietly, not moving in a room that was once filled with love. Laughter. Smiles. Happiness. Then a a random song came on the radio.... "God help me, keep me moving somehow. Don't let me start wishing I was with him now. I've made it this far without crying a single tear........."

The tears started rolling down her face leaving angry red welts in their path. She never could figure out how to cry pretty like all of the other girls.

That one song and with it the memory. Taking her back to Tennessee. Sitting on a rooftop, hearing that same song while the summer heat beat down on the tops of her thighs. Feeling like she could conquer the world. Not knowing that in a few months her world would stop. Shatter really. All of the dreams she had made, all of the plans for the future derailed completely like a freight train wreck.

She could see it in her head, the steam from the locomotive that just couldn't keep moving along the tracks hissing in the cold night air. The wheels kept trying to move, but there was nowhere left to go. The tracks were in a shambles, twisted pieces of metal littering the landscape. A great analogy of her life now. Off those carefully laid tracks and crumpled beyond repair.

It all seemed so helpless and hopeless. Listless, she just sat and thought and thought and thought. Reviewing in her mind snapshots of a life past, present and future. But the future wasn't there anymore. No, that had changed. It was gray and murky; hazy like fog on a San Francisco morning.

Directionless, she switched off the lamp and walked into her bedroom, climbed under the covers and prayed. She prayed for those she loved and those she lost. She prayed that when she woke up, it would all be a bad dream.