Friday, September 28, 2007

Word Search

Every once in a while, I check out some stats on my site to see who's showing up every day and who I will need to stalk more often. I also get to see what searches bring people to my blog and while I am not completely shocked, some of these are just too funny:

The Hooters searches that I found amusing were:
  • Hooters Girl Sex Sock - OK. What in the Sam Hell is a sex sock? It sounds like some kinky toy, or a prophylactic.

  • 8 extra hooters - what, is she like octo-breasted? That's a lot of titties for one man to take care of.
  • Hooters Mudwrestling - sounds like a way to kick it up a notch. I'd pay to see that shit.

Searches that should end up at other blogs:

  • These should have all ended up at Dyck's site, but I guess they came here because I talk about him too much.

  • Dyckerson Flea Powder - I can completely understand why a person would feel the need to rid themselves of a rash caused by this guy. Hopefully, you all have learned your lesson and you keep him away from your genitalia.

  • Dyckerson Vibrating Beds - Dude, if this makes you any money at all, I better get my cut for giving you the idea. However, I am sure that each bed will come with it's own human juice stains, so I would hesitate to make that purchase.

Other random funny shit:

  • Blood in the Ears - I get a ton of traffic from this search. It makes me question the human race.

  • Older Whores - I say to the asshole searching for this and getting me - fuck you sideways. And why are the search engines leading these pervos here? I am not that old. For another 3 1/2 months at least.

  • African Cocksuckers - What makes the Africans better than say New Zealanders? Is it the really long necks with the copper rings around them? Or maybe the thing about Africans and dick size is true and their women (and men) evolved into giant dicksucking machines.

  • Bathing in Pudding - An interesting concept. Sounds kinda sticky though.
  • Extreme Cum Guzzling - Now THIS should be an Olympic Sport over Ping Pong and Curling.

  • I Peed My Pants During Spanking - It happens to the best of us. That's why I always tinkle before a good smackbottom.

  • I am a Butt Worshiper and a Panty Sniffer - OK. Good for you. Just stay away from me.

  • The Dickheaded Wife of Chicken George - This one made me crack up. It sounds like an Aesop's Fable gone awry.

  • Zulu Cunts - I am not sure if they were looking for pictures, or referencing a new swear word, but I like it. Hey you, stupid zulu cunt. Yeah, I can use this one.

  • Sex Mob - Sounds like fun. A lot of fun. Bring on the sex mob.

So there are my search words. I'm kinda phoning it in today, but I could give two shits.


Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Questions a la Avitable

I have a few bluddies (my version of blog buddy, plus it sounds kinda gross.... so BONUS) and one of them is Adam Avitable. This week, the hairy assjack decided that he needed a little "blogcation" which I personally believe is bullshit. I mean we all know that he is sitting around his house in his rat-a-tat-tatty underwear, eating cheeseburgers, drinking Diet Coke with Lime and planning ways to get webcams in Miss Britt's new, completely unused before the family moved into the new house, bathrooms. So what is he really taking a vacation from? Exposing himself to underaged girls? Masturbating to the rhythmic sounds of Sting? Shaving his hairy, and I mean really hairy, nutsack? No one really knows the answer to these questions, so it's just speculation on my part. Anyone else have any ideas?

A while back, he posted some questions and asked his readers (AKA deviants and yes I am one of them) if they wanted him to pose questions to them in return. I, being of very unsound mind and so-so body, said yes. Whha-whaa-whaaaat, you stutter, are you insane? Uh, duh!!! I said that I had an unsound mind, why are y'all so shocked. Geez. So Adam sent over his list of questions that he would like me to answer. Here goes:

1. Have you ever waxed your asshole? Why or why not?

- If you mean my literal asshole, then no. I pay some old Asian bag to do it for me. I am pretty sure she's hopped up on Opium or some such shit because my happy trail usually ends up crooked and leading to my right or left labia. I gotta get a new waxer.

- If you mean my figurative asshole, the one that sleeps next to me most nights, then the answer is yes. Sort of. See I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone, but you guys can keep a secret. Right? Anyway, it involved a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, that one dirty whore from Full House and a some honey I had bubbling on the stove..... But don't tell him I told you, okay?

2. I'm thinking of trading Britt in for a better model of blog wife. What do you have to offer and why are you better?

- First off, I wouldn't say that I am better than Britt. OK, well I would, but just not to her face. I would say that I am like a Britt 2.0. I smoke more, I drink more, I swear more..... But just so we're up front about this whole blog wife thing, I will cheat on you. A lot. Sometimes with women, sometimes with men. Sometimes, I even cheat with monsters. I will use you for money and leave you unsatisfied. I will sell you out to the highest bidder and I do accept payment in the form of alcohol or small children from 3rd world countries. (I just stopped to read this and damn I'm good. Just sayin')

Where were we? Oh yeah, this fucked up question designed to start an online bitchfight between me and Britt over who gets you. Where's the prize? Instead, I say that Britt and I hook up, overthrow you, make you our prisoner, tie you up and force you to watch us make out with each other. We'll brush each other's hair afterwards and give each other back rubs. Naked. With hot oil.

So what do I have to offer? Well, I have a pretty good imagination.... And I can teach you how to cuss a mothafucka out in Swahili.

3. What word makes you laugh every time you hear it?

Testicles. It never fails to make me laugh when I read it or hear it spoken out loud. Sometimes, when I'm having a bad day, I just think the world testicles in my head, envision a giant sweaty ball sack that I carry around like a purse and use to slap ignorant twats in the face with and I get a chuckle.

I also like the words creamy, deep-throat, pigfucker and panties.

4. I'm lazy and don't want to read through your archives. Tell me a story about the worst customer you ever had at Hooters?

What and waste a perfectly good blog idea on this crappy ass questionnaire? Uh, no. I will tell you that I had a really, really ugly tranny use our ladies room to give itself a shower once and then cried all over me for an hour. It was like trying to understand Ozzy Osborne or Anna Nicole Smith. The shim was high on something and completely unintelligible. I ended up with makeup smeared all over the front of my white tank top and left work smelling like a bordello. Why is it that trannies bathe in perfume? It doesn't affect our eyesight and we can still see your ballsack through the daisy dukes you're wearing.

5. Other than yourself (and Heather), is there anything good about Ohio? .

Uh, like yeah. The Buckeyes. As in THE OHIO STATE BUCKEYES. Plus the Indians and the Cavaliers. I even like the Browns, but they suck. Shit, I forgot you didn't get the man gene for sports.

We also have no hurricanes or earthquakes, tsunamis or landslides. The fall is gorgeous here with the leaves turning gold and red and orange. Downtown Cleveland is a lot of fun and we have Playhouse Square and the West Side Market and University Circle which is home to more museums in one small area than anywhere else is the country*.

Obviously we are missing 9 months of sunshine, but no place is perfect. Even Florida.

So there you have it, the answers to Avi's questions. Hopefully you were entertained and if not, then fuck off. But if you would like me to send you questions, leave a request in the comments section and I will do my breast. I mean best.

I will be on the road again all day tomorrow, but I will get your questions out to you by this weekend. I promise.

* This may or may not be true, but it sounds really good.

Monday, September 24, 2007

La Beach

So we're back from Virginia Beach, or La Beach as the locals call it. My brother-in-law's Chief ceremony went really well and my dad and my sister each pinned one of his anchors on him. My dad was, of course, in all of his glory at the ceremony. He wore his uniform and was recognized by the emcee who said:

"I would like to thank Master Chief... er, I mean Command Master Chief CED and his wife for taking time, blah, blah, blah."

I could feel my dad grinning in the seat behind me. He is such a lover of the attention. Like someone else I know...... hee hee.

We stayed at the SunSpree resort right on the ocean and it was fanfuckingtastic. Even though it rained a good portion of the time, who wouldn't love this:

That's right. A lazy river. That you float in. All around. With the kids. Who stay occupied. Good fun.

Of course, no trip would be complete without one of my children doing something completely inappropriate. This time it was the little angel, who is three. He learned to sing the "where is thumbkin" song and wanted to sing it for the rest of the family. No problem, right? Wrong. When he got to the "where is middle finger part", he completely forgot the correct way of holding his finger up and instead flipped everyone the bird. My sister and brother laughed so hard they started crying. After a minute, my B-I-L had my son show grandpa that part of the song. Here is what my dad saw:

I though my dad was going to fall over. How he kept a straight face is beyond me. We are all laughing like loons in the background while my dad, as serious as can be, says "that's great sweetheart. I love you too."

Of course, the angel also told his sister that she was being a bitch one of the days. In front of everyone. Shit. Where do these kids learn this language? Just kidding. Actually I try not to swear in front of the kids. Apparently, I need to try a little harder. Although I don't call my daughter a bitch. That one he learned somewhere else.

The very best part of the trip was the first day. We left Wednesday at a little after 5:00 and should have gotten in around 2:30 or 3:00 in the morning. It was closer to 4:00 AM when we arrived because my sister lives in the seventh level of hell. Seriously. Driving in the Va Beach/Norfolk area is bad enough, but the area she lives in? Foggetaboutit. So we crash at her place until we can check in and we are asleep for about 45 minutes when this music wends it's way into my subconscious. I try to ignore it, but it gets louder and louder. I recognize the song but can't place it. Then my eyes pop open. And I hear singing for real. Really, really loud singing. Right outside the bedroom door. This is what I hear:

Stand Navy out to sea
Fight our battle cry
We’ll never change our course
So vicious foe steer shy-y-y-y
Roll out the T.N.T.
Anchors Aweigh
Sail on to victory and
Sink their bones to Davy Jones hooray!

Yo ho there shipmate
Take the fighting to the far off sea
Hear the wailing of the wild banshees
All hands, fire brands Let’s blast them as we go, so

Anchors Aweigh my boys
Anchors Aweigh
Farewell to college joys
We sail at break of day day day day
Through our last night on shore
Drink to the foam
Until we meet once more
Here’s wishing you a happy voyage home!

Heave a ho there sailor
Everybody drink up while you may
Heave a ho there sailor
For your gonna sail a break of day
Drink away, Drink away,
For you sail at break of day, hey!

Anchors Aweigh my boys
Anchors Aweigh
Farewell to college joys
We sail at break of day day day day
Through our last night on shore
Drink to the foam
Until we meet once more
Here’s wishing you a happy voyage home!

My B-I-L and one of the other Chief initiates were outside of my dad's bedroom door, serenading him with "Anchors Aweigh". My B-I-L lost it about halfway through and laughed his way through the rest of the song. It was super funny. Even after driving through the night and only getting a minute's rest.

I won't bore you with the details of the trip, but it's good to be back. On a serious note, I have been having some trouble with my blog lately. I may have to turn on word verification. I don't like to censor my readers, but there have been some instances where I have found out that the blogger who left the nasty comment was not, in fact, the person commenting and there was a hacking issue. I'm still thinking about it, but if you see the word verification pop up, I will apologize ahead of time.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

A Bullet Post

I am off to Virginia Beach for a quick getaway. I have a brother-in-law who just made CHIEF in the Navy and his ceremony is coming up, so we are all getting together to celebrate. I come from a long line of military people and this is an important milestone in his life, so we all wanted to get together and toast him on his accomplishment. Over and over and over again. While I am gone, I will leave you with some thoughts, observations and occurrences:

  • It really sucks when you pee in the shower and realize that it isn't draining.

  • It sucks even harder when it is at a hotel.

  • I can not stand pretentious people. I am not one and it's a shade of ugly that doesn't look good on anybody.

  • I have a new favorite wine: Folie A Deux Menage A Trois. It's a Red Wine Meritage (I had to look it up, but it's a blend of Cab, Merlot and Red Zin). Yummy goodness. At $10.00 a bottle at Costco, how can you go wrong?

  • It may not be such a good idea to drink two bottles of your new favorite wine while playing poker with people from your office. At your office. Drinking. With your boss. Two days before your review. Just sayin'.

  • You can make a grown man spit out his drink when he is working the concession stand at a kid's soccer game and you go up to order a coffee. How? Well, he asks you if he can help you and you reply by saying: "only if you have a stomach pump and an IV bag."

  • I saw ManHo Cho when I went out to breakfast late Friday Night/Early Saturday morning. He introduced me to Red Lobster Boy of the huge cock and then proceeded to ask my opinion of his outfit. In front of the VERY crowded restaurant. He was wearing a wife beater and assless jeans. I can't make this shit up people. I thought the straightlaced folks I was with were going to start puking up their eggs and pancakes right then and there.

  • I thought it was hilarious and continued to egg him on. We fawned over each other and I kept making him pull up his shirt to show me the back of his pants. Well, it was really his ass crack. And most of his ass. He has a mighty fine ass.

  • I enjoy making other people slightly uncomfortable.

  • I took away Mr. ADW's mancard when he asked me what NT stood for during a football game. I snorted and rolled my eyes and said: "Nose Tackle." He felt like a dillhole. I felt good.

  • The Buckeyes won.

  • The evil, rabies infested mutts from one state over won too. Whatever. Their season was over before it ever started.

  • I love football.

  • I love hockey.

  • I love basketball and boxing and I even like Baseball.

  • I watch ESPN to catch the highlights and listen to SportsTalk Radio all day long

  • I have attended a Jim Rome tour stop.

  • Most people think that the previous 5 comments are weird when associated with me. I just like sports.

  • Ipod earbuds DO NOT fit in my ears. I have freakishly small ears. I guess that's good if I ever hook up with someone who has a Hobbit Dick.

  • My one dog is very overweight. I tried to take her running this weekend. We went about an eighth of a mile before she shit in someone else's yard. It was very hot and not completely solid. I contemplated leaving it there, but the good angel won out. I only let her give her opinions on Sundays.

That's all I've got!!! See you soon!

Monday, September 17, 2007

Here's To You...

Stupid Asshole Can't Make Up Her Mind Bitch

I hated this person when I was bartending and she (or sometimes he) held up the line while placing a drink order. First they start off by snapping their fingers or waving their hands or yelling "Hey You" to the bartender. (Side Note: I am not as nice now as I was in my younger years and doing any of the aforementioned things to get my attention will immediately result in me mopping the floor with your face while pushing you around with the stick that I am sure is permanently shoved up your ass.) After you purposely ignore them because they don't deserve to be waited on because they are a shitheaded cuntbag, you finally saunter over just as they are about to stroke out. Then, when you get over to them, these Einsteins start asking the people in their group what they want and it goes a little something like this:

Stupid Twat Ordering the Round: "I'll have a Sex on the Beach" Giggle Giggle. "Hey Lindsey, whadda ya want?"

Lindsey AKA Twat #2: "Um, well, gee, I'm not sure, I am thinking about a frozen drink.."

Me: VERY QUICKLY "My blender is broken, so you have to go to the other bar if you want a frozen drink and NO you cannot pay for it here" Hee Hee Hee.

Twat #2: "well........



At the same time, Twat #1 is asking her 4 other fat ugly cunt friends what they want to drink.

Me: "I'll be back when you're ready"

Twat #1: Sputtering.. "I'm ready now"

Me: walking away getting someone's order who has cash in their hand and knows what they want.

Fast Forward

I no longer bartend, unless begged and paid a ton of cash. I will also do it to raise money for charity. However, the seemingly endless supply of idiots in the world amazes me.

Tonight, the Mr. was working late (I think. If not and he was up to no good, I need her name so I can send her flowers), so I took the two demon children that were propelled from my hellwomb to a little fun park. You know a place that has bumper boats and go carts and mini golf and all kinds of arcade games, et cetera. After the park and a healthy dinner of pizza and sugar/caffeine based drinks, we decided to go for ice cream. Actually it was gelato. Really, really great gelato and the only place to get it is at a stand in our mall. Now I know that other than Miss Britt, most of my readers would rather circumcise a wiener with a prison shiv, but this is unfuckingbelievable gelato. So onward we sped toward the great shopping mecca.

Once we went through the hassles of a stroller and bickering and me losing the tenuous grasp I had on my sanity, we finally made our way to the Gelato stand. **Cue the angels singing. And I don't want one angel, I want a fucking horde. Seraphims and Cherubims and Guardians and all the rest.** Once we arrived, I was a little put out to see that there were three ladies in front of me, but I figured the line would move pretty quickly since all they sell at that time of night is Gelato in a Cone or Gelato in a Cup. During the day, they sell crepes and shit, but I could see their equipment was all turned off. No big deal. W-R-O-N-G. These stupid ubercunts wanted to taste EVERY fucking kind of Gelato there was. What, had you never tried ice cream before and didn't know that Gelato is just a creamier version? Seriously genius, strawberry is strawberry and dutch chocolate tastes like dutch chocolate you mental giant.

After about 5 minutes (in a line with whiny bratty childbeasts that is a shithell lifetime), there was only one woman left to order in front of us. Tick-tock bitch, giddyup. It was like 'Nam flashbacks to bartending all over again. I glared at her. Anyone who has read me a while should understand that my glare has made grown men weep. Seriously. I am sure that her sugar-cracked out brain couldn't focus enough and it probably looked to her like I was smiling. The kind of smile that says "take your time while my children destroy half of a shopping center and make me pull my hair out. I have all day." Not really the message I was trying to convey. Then I looked at her, took my index and middle fingers and pointed them at my temple and pulled the finger trigger. Unluckily, I was out of finger bullets and my gun was shooting blanks. It would have almost been worth it to cover that dildo humping beyotch in my brain matter and blood. Cest la vie.

Finally the world's ugliest blow up doll decided on the one flavor she hadn't tried: Lemon Sorbeto. I start shaking my head. SuperDiva starts shaking her head. The ice cream scooper starts shaking her head. We all know the same thing. Lemon Sorbeto is awful. It tastes like really sour turpentine, blech! Well of course this dumbass doesn't listen to the person who scoops the stuff up and serves it all day and tells her that she really likes sour stuff. Finally, the girl hands her a sample of the nasty shit. I didn't think a prune face could pucker up anymore than it already does, but she went to the nth pucker degree. In fact, her countenance resembled an asshole: ugly and wrinkled and full of it. Thankfully she finally decided on Strawberry. Seriously? You turn what was once a four person line into a mass of writhing bodies ready to mob the counter at any minute so that you can taste the rainbow, so to speak, and you get strawberry. Maybe if you had chosen Mango, or one of the really Italian sounding ones, but Strawberry? I wish I had my camera with me because your face would now be on this post with an offer of $500 to anyone who knocked your ass out. Stupid fuck.

I know, know, know I have been a naughty blogger lately, but I have been superbusy with work and shit. I am off again this week, but things should settle down next week. In the meantime, i will leave you with the funniest thing that happened to me at my "conference" last week:

As I was checking out of my hotel at the front desk, the girl getting me my receipt sniffed the air a little and said to me:

"What are you wearing? I recognize that smell."

Me: "Eau De Crown Royal"

Her: Laughing so loudly that others are starting to stare. "Girl, that is my drink. I love Crown Royal."

Exit Stage Left.

Monday, September 10, 2007


It's 10:04 AM and Michigan still sucks. That's right party people, the Wolverines have been declawed and any chance at salvaging their season ended on Saturday. Yippee!!! I am telling those of you who are non-Buckeyes, that the Michigan/Ohio State rivalry is the greatest in college football and I challenge you to attend the last game of the season and prove me wrong.

Now to news that may be a little more interesting to y'all:

  • My workload is crazy insane right now, so my posting may get a little more sporadic.

  • I apologize ahead of time for lack of comments on this and other blogs. I am still reading, but not commenting as much.

  • I have to be out of town for a large portion of this week. I am going to a conference. Pray that I make it out alive.

  • I clogged up the toilet at work this morning. That is why I like to shit in my own bathroom.

  • Friday night my little angels turned into evil hellions. I pondered choking them both. Instead, I made them go to bed early. Ahhhhhh, peace and quiet.

  • My washing machine blew up last weekend and we had to replace it. Guess where I didn't go? That's right, those cocksuckers over at Sears can lick my asshole. I hate Sears. Deeply and passionately.

  • Because the washer exploded, we found 13 socks and our laundry is now close to reaching the ceiling of the guest room. 42 loads. Fucking hellfire.

  • I can't think of anything else, but I felt that this post needed one more bullet point to round it out. I'll miss you while I'm gone. Anybody want to come over and do my laundry?

Remember, read the post below and if you want me to link to you, just let me know. I am pretty sure that I could use the Karma, but it may be a few years too late for my soul.

Just sayin'.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Link Love

OK folks. It is time once again for me to update my links. There are some folks who have disappeared, some that I know have quit and some that have kind of fallen off for me. But there are so many new and wonderful people. And I am a moron and never remember who I visit if I don't bookmark it. So......

If anyone wants me to link to them, please comment here. I will link to you for at least one month under a NEW READERS section. I was really lucky to have some great people help me out when I started and I would like to "pay it forward" a little bit. I am not saying that your readership will increase exponentially or anything, but I am willing to set this up if there are enough "new" peeps interested. Just let me know in the comments section. Oh and make sure that you sign in with the url of your blog or I won't know who the fuck you are.

And just so everyone isn't disappointed, I will share this rant with you:

What the fuck is up with asshat monkeyfucking drivers? When there are two left turn lanes, it IS NOT OK for you to veer over into the one next to you. Guess what dipshit? I'm turning left as well. Douchenozzle almost hit me this evening pulling that very stunt. How did I respond? Horn a blazin', I rolled down my window and verbally destroyed his manhood while flipping him off with both hands and steering with my knees. Shitprick fucktard.

Also, I was tossing something to one of my reps the other day and he dropped it after it landed in his hands. Then he started bitching about something else. I took away his mancard for a week. Seriously.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I'm an Asshole-eo-eo-eo

This pretty much says it all for me:
(psssttttt - that is a link, right above here)


Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream.
About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down
in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the
cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle
area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the
colon, we don't know.

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.
I'm your average white suburbanite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war.
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.

My wife and my job, my kids and my car.
My feet on my table and a cuban cigar.

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
(oh no) no way (uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
(oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,
While people behind me are going insane.

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and piss on the seat,
I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado,
hot-fuckin'-pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big
brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in
that baby doing 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin' down
quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-
biodegradable styrofoam containers... yeah! And when I'm done suckin' down
those greaseball burgers I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the
side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why?
Because we got the bombs, that's why... yeah! Two words--nuclear fuckin'
weapons, OK? Russia, Czechoslovakia, Romania, they can have all the democracy
they want...they can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of
Tienamen Square and it won't make a lick of fuckin' difference, because we got
the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead--he's frozen! And when we find a cure for
cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You
know why? You ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million
times--that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and
John Casavetti and Sam Peckinpaw and a case of fuckin' whisky and drive...

(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an asshole?)

Why don't you shut up and sing the song, Chris. I thought I was the
asshole... all the time it was him... what an asshole!

I'm an asshole (I'm an asshole, he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E
Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay
A-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom

I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it!

(Chris mouths: Asshole

Now everybody sing along, cuz guess what people? I am sick of being nice. Yeah I said it. Whatcha gonna do pahdner? Nothing that's what.

Today's asshole tribute goes out to the half-dicked willie waggers everywhere. You know who you are. You think you're real fuckin' cute dontca' mancunt? Well, all you are is a pussy with facial hair. I despise you and I hope your eenie weenie, shit I guess the next word should be weenie but that's not really flowy, weenie gets gangrene and falls off. You are lower than an old lady's tits that drag on the ground you piece of shit mouth breather. You drive up next to unsuspecting innocent gals like me and then BAM!!!!, like lightening you have that shriveled up, laughable change purse you call a penis out and start tugging on it like it's a balloon that needs prepped for blowing up. I overlooked it once, back when I was younger and a titch more tolerant. No more. The next person to look at me cross-eyed is getting the ADW one-two knock out where I knee you in the nuts and when your head automatically goes down, I finish you off with a knee to your stupid twat face.

Oh yeah and to the lady who took it upon herself to chastise me about a choice that I MADE: I hope you get rear-ended by a big butch lesbian wearing a 12" dildo strap on. Do not judge me. I reserve that right for myself.

Now if you will all excuse me, I am going to go up to my giant spa bath that takes approximately 100 gallons of water to fill up each time and when it gets cold I drain it and refill it, and soak for an hour while I drink a Rum and Coke that was prepared for me by my 3rd world imported 8 year old house slave. In her spare time, I have her make me Nikes. She has 3 years experience under her belt in the manufacturing of textiles and shoes. Upon alighting from my water wasting bath, I will use a mink pelt to dry off my body and then throw it away. I will use thousand dollar body cream that was made from the foreskins of endangered species and I will sleep on a bed that was hand carved by starving Pygmies from Ebony and is inlaid with 20 elephant tusks.

I sleep real good at night.

Monday, September 3, 2007

Friday Night With BBS

So scattered throughout a lot of my posts are little blurbs and some stories about BBS. For those new to this blog (for shame), BBS stands for Built Like a Brick Shithouse. This girl is honestly one of my closest friends and there has never been a time that we have been together that I have not enjoyed myself immensely. So when she invited me out this past Friday, I figured "what the hell". I mean it was a three day weekend, so I would have extra recovery time and so forth.

Originally BBS was supposed to be working a promo that evening and we were going to hook up afterwards, but for various reasons, her part in the promotion was cancelled, so we were all set to go. We decided to meet close to her house and drive down to a little place called Shooters. By little, I mean an enormous bar with a huge outdoor patio. People dock anything from dinghies to yachts at this place and it is usually pretty packed when the weather is nice.

Now to those of you who have never been blessed with the chance to visit the fair Cleveland, Ohio, you may not be aware that our state flower is the Orange Barrel or that it is almost impossible to take a direct route anywhere in the summertime. The reason for this is that since it can snow nine months out of the year here, the freaks at the Ohio Department of Transportation deem it necessary to close every major highway down to one lane and reroute traffic to Erie, PA before you can actually enter the downtown area. So after turning around approximately 67 times due to closed roads, bridges being up for barges and what may have been a dead man in the road, we finally arrived at the joint just in time for the last half of the Miss Budweiser Cleveland contest.

I don't have any pics of the contest, but there were some hotties in it. I don't even know who won because BBS racked up about 120 asshole points before the contest was even over. Let's elaborate on this, shall we?

BBS Asshole Points Racked Up Before the End of the Contest:

60 points - she knocked over a beer into my purse after an attempt to mimic how one of our old bosses used to act when he was hammered. Job well done, BBS. At least she didn't try to unfasten my bra strap with her teeth for old times sake.

30 points - she bumped into me making me spill my drink on my arm.

30 points - yet again, are we seeing a pattern here folks - she spills even more alcohol on me.

At this point, I am sorely tempted to rescind her drinking privileges for the evening, since she is spilling all my booze, but she has a friend working the bar and we are getting a Level 7 hook up.

About an hour and a half into the night, one of BBS's friends shows up in a cab with her sister. They took a cab from their house which was close to 35 minutes away. Originally BBS asked me if I could give them a ride, but since I had never met these chicks and didn't know if they were completely insane I passed. That was the best decision I made all night. After two drinks, one of the girls tripped offline and stayed there for the rest of the night. She was an unholy mess and while fun for a while, I soon became bored with the antics, so we snuck over to the other side of the bar.

Oh! Oh! I almost forget where BBS got the last 279 of her asshole points of the night. Her BROTHER met us out that evening. Her completely adorable, 20 years old, getting ready to leave for THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY brother who is a wee bit shy. He was standing off to the side while the four of us were out dancing to the greatest hits of the hair bands when I got the bright idea to drag his cute little ass out on the dance floor. After getting our boogie on for a few minutes, BBS leans over and says to me "Gosh, I hope my brother doesn't get a boner while he's dancing with you!" EEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!! Vomit erupts from my stomach at the thought while my knees start pointing in different directions. I am sure I looked like Don Knotts in any Scooby Doo cartoon he was ever featured in - face scrunched up, hunched over and eyes bugging out of my head. That was a low blow. I am now devising various ways to get back at her which is difficult because she DOES NOT embarrass easily.

Most annoying question of the night?

Any guy in the place to BBS: "How Tall?"

BBS: "6'1" in my bare feet" By the way, she was wearing 3" heels that night. And a really short dress. So the verbiage in this post stinks because I am a little foggy on some of the details of the evening, so I will let the documented proof speak for itself. M'kay?

The Night Began

OK, so we look fairly normal here, no?

Muthafukin' Rock Stars

BBS and her Hottie Little Bro'

Sexy? Not so much... Trying for pouty, but it ain't working.

Maybe if we tried to POSE, some sexy will come through...

OOPS!!! I guess not. Who in the hell is that dork?

OOOHHH.... I know you.

The look above just makes you want to make out. Doesn't it??
Maybe one little kiss. Just to kick off the evening
Forty Three Drinks Later: A Montage
Wooo Hoooo! This bitch now belongs to me. I have ruined her for all others. BBS gives props to herself for making me her Ho.
Apparently our lady lovin' brought out the crazies and this guy:
Who was so overcome by emotion that he needed to be escorted out by not one:
But ALL of the bouncers on staff. Or so it seemed at the time.
Thanks for saving our virtue fellas. Hee hee. What's a virtue? And why is that guy holding his junk?
End of the Night and a little worse for wear.

Later fuckers, Peace.

Just for Jenny! - The SHOCKER!!!!

I guaranfuckingtee that this post has a cuntful of spelling and grammatical errors, but I'm too tired to worry about them. I know I don't often post pictures and I have finally broken down and given into the demands. It makes me really nervous though, because I hate seeing myself in pictures. I don't mind so much taking them, but seeing my face plastered all over my blog is something else entirely. Oh well, whatevah.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

It's A Great Day To Be A Buckeye

OK, so I know BBS is going to be pissed that I haven't posted the pictures AND the story from our night of debauchery, but I just had to post about Ohio sports today.

Michigan Lost!!!

Michigan Lost!!!

Michigan Lost!!!

Michigan Lost!!!

Michigan Lost!!!

Michigan Lost!!!

Michigan Lost!!!

Michigan Lost!!!

Michigan Lost!!!

To Appalachian State!!!!

To Appalachian State!!!!

To Appalachian State!!!!

To Appalachian State!!!!

To Appalachian State!!!!

To Appalachian State!!!!

To Appalachian State!!!!

To Appalachian State!!!!

To Appalachian State!!!!

To Appalachian State!!!!

Here is what Pete Fiutak of FoxSports had to say about the fabulous upset victory and why he thinks Michigan folded like an empty bag of potato chips:

".........But this Michigan team's head was already working on a game in late November and possibly January.

I got a chance to sit down with Chad Henne and Mike Hart, two of Michigan's offensive superstars this summer, and all they could talk about were Ohio State, whom they've never beaten, a bowl game, which they've never won, and coming back to school for their senior seasons instead of jumping to the pros. They paid lip service to the rest of the Big Ten schedule, and they each threw out the "one game at a time" cliché, but then the talk soon went back to how their legacies would be defined by what they did at the end of the year against the Buckeyes and in a post-season game."


Seriously though Mr. Reporter, next time please refer to us as THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY Football Team. Also, Michigan can not beat us. In the last six years of the Jim Tressel reign, we are 5 -1 against Michigan. 'Nuff Said.

Oh, and see where the Gators rank? I personally could care less, like any other Ohio State fan, that past is the past. Except for Michigan whom we despise with a passion. I was literally rolling around on the floor laughing at their loss. Hey guys - that was a great idea, waiting out pro football to come back and play for a National Championship. Two thumbs up for you.

Buckeye Battle Cry

In old Ohio there's a team

That's known thru-out the land;

Eleven warriors, brave and bold,

Whose fame will ever stand.

And when the ball goes over,

Our cheers will reach the sky,

Ohio field will hear again

The Buckeye Battle Cry

-Drive! Drive on down the field,

Men of the scarlet and gray;

Don't let them thru that line,

We have to win this game today,

Come on, Ohio!

Smash through to victory.

We cheer you as you go:

Our honor defend

So we'll fight to the end

for O-hi-o.

Oh, and the Tribe is up 5 1/2 games in the AL Central, ahead now of Detroit. Which is where? In Michigan!!! Yay for Ohio.

OK, so I know you all are probably bored to death with the Ohio sports stuff, so here is a teaser for you:

My Friday night with BBS