Questions a la Avitable

I have a few bluddies (my version of blog buddy, plus it sounds kinda gross.... so BONUS) and one of them is Adam Avitable. This week, the hairy assjack decided that he needed a little "blogcation" which I personally believe is bullshit. I mean we all know that he is sitting around his house in his rat-a-tat-tatty underwear, eating cheeseburgers, drinking Diet Coke with Lime and planning ways to get webcams in Miss Britt's new, completely unused before the family moved into the new house, bathrooms. So what is he really taking a vacation from? Exposing himself to underaged girls? Masturbating to the rhythmic sounds of Sting? Shaving his hairy, and I mean really hairy, nutsack? No one really knows the answer to these questions, so it's just speculation on my part. Anyone else have any ideas?

A while back, he posted some questions and asked his readers (AKA deviants and yes I am one of them) if they wanted him to pose questions to them in return. I, being of very unsound mind and so-so body, said yes. Whha-whaa-whaaaat, you stutter, are you insane? Uh, duh!!! I said that I had an unsound mind, why are y'all so shocked. Geez. So Adam sent over his list of questions that he would like me to answer. Here goes:



1. Have you ever waxed your asshole? Why or why not?

- If you mean my literal asshole, then no. I pay some old Asian bag to do it for me. I am pretty sure she's hopped up on Opium or some such shit because my happy trail usually ends up crooked and leading to my right or left labia. I gotta get a new waxer.

- If you mean my figurative asshole, the one that sleeps next to me most nights, then the answer is yes. Sort of. See I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone, but you guys can keep a secret. Right? Anyway, it involved a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, that one dirty whore from Full House and a some honey I had bubbling on the stove..... But don't tell him I told you, okay?

2. I'm thinking of trading Britt in for a better model of blog wife. What do you have to offer and why are you better?

- First off, I wouldn't say that I am better than Britt. OK, well I would, but just not to her face. I would say that I am like a Britt 2.0. I smoke more, I drink more, I swear more..... But just so we're up front about this whole blog wife thing, I will cheat on you. A lot. Sometimes with women, sometimes with men. Sometimes, I even cheat with monsters. I will use you for money and leave you unsatisfied. I will sell you out to the highest bidder and I do accept payment in the form of alcohol or small children from 3rd world countries. (I just stopped to read this and damn I'm good. Just sayin')

Where were we? Oh yeah, this fucked up question designed to start an online bitchfight between me and Britt over who gets you. Where's the prize? Instead, I say that Britt and I hook up, overthrow you, make you our prisoner, tie you up and force you to watch us make out with each other. We'll brush each other's hair afterwards and give each other back rubs. Naked. With hot oil.

So what do I have to offer? Well, I have a pretty good imagination.... And I can teach you how to cuss a mothafucka out in Swahili.

3. What word makes you laugh every time you hear it?

Testicles. It never fails to make me laugh when I read it or hear it spoken out loud. Sometimes, when I'm having a bad day, I just think the world testicles in my head, envision a giant sweaty ball sack that I carry around like a purse and use to slap ignorant twats in the face with and I get a chuckle.

I also like the words creamy, deep-throat, pigfucker and panties.

4. I'm lazy and don't want to read through your archives. Tell me a story about the worst customer you ever had at Hooters?

What and waste a perfectly good blog idea on this crappy ass questionnaire? Uh, no. I will tell you that I had a really, really ugly tranny use our ladies room to give itself a shower once and then cried all over me for an hour. It was like trying to understand Ozzy Osborne or Anna Nicole Smith. The shim was high on something and completely unintelligible. I ended up with makeup smeared all over the front of my white tank top and left work smelling like a bordello. Why is it that trannies bathe in perfume? It doesn't affect our eyesight and we can still see your ballsack through the daisy dukes you're wearing.

5. Other than yourself (and Heather), is there anything good about Ohio? .

Uh, like yeah. The Buckeyes. As in THE OHIO STATE BUCKEYES. Plus the Indians and the Cavaliers. I even like the Browns, but they suck. Shit, I forgot you didn't get the man gene for sports.

We also have no hurricanes or earthquakes, tsunamis or landslides. The fall is gorgeous here with the leaves turning gold and red and orange. Downtown Cleveland is a lot of fun and we have Playhouse Square and the West Side Market and University Circle which is home to more museums in one small area than anywhere else is the country*.

Obviously we are missing 9 months of sunshine, but no place is perfect. Even Florida.


So there you have it, the answers to Avi's questions. Hopefully you were entertained and if not, then fuck off. But if you would like me to send you questions, leave a request in the comments section and I will do my breast. I mean best.

I will be on the road again all day tomorrow, but I will get your questions out to you by this weekend. I promise.



* This may or may not be true, but it sounds really good.