Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Questions a la Avitable

I have a few bluddies (my version of blog buddy, plus it sounds kinda gross.... so BONUS) and one of them is Adam Avitable. This week, the hairy assjack decided that he needed a little "blogcation" which I personally believe is bullshit. I mean we all know that he is sitting around his house in his rat-a-tat-tatty underwear, eating cheeseburgers, drinking Diet Coke with Lime and planning ways to get webcams in Miss Britt's new, completely unused before the family moved into the new house, bathrooms. So what is he really taking a vacation from? Exposing himself to underaged girls? Masturbating to the rhythmic sounds of Sting? Shaving his hairy, and I mean really hairy, nutsack? No one really knows the answer to these questions, so it's just speculation on my part. Anyone else have any ideas?

A while back, he posted some questions and asked his readers (AKA deviants and yes I am one of them) if they wanted him to pose questions to them in return. I, being of very unsound mind and so-so body, said yes. Whha-whaa-whaaaat, you stutter, are you insane? Uh, duh!!! I said that I had an unsound mind, why are y'all so shocked. Geez. So Adam sent over his list of questions that he would like me to answer. Here goes:

1. Have you ever waxed your asshole? Why or why not?

- If you mean my literal asshole, then no. I pay some old Asian bag to do it for me. I am pretty sure she's hopped up on Opium or some such shit because my happy trail usually ends up crooked and leading to my right or left labia. I gotta get a new waxer.

- If you mean my figurative asshole, the one that sleeps next to me most nights, then the answer is yes. Sort of. See I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone, but you guys can keep a secret. Right? Anyway, it involved a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, that one dirty whore from Full House and a some honey I had bubbling on the stove..... But don't tell him I told you, okay?

2. I'm thinking of trading Britt in for a better model of blog wife. What do you have to offer and why are you better?

- First off, I wouldn't say that I am better than Britt. OK, well I would, but just not to her face. I would say that I am like a Britt 2.0. I smoke more, I drink more, I swear more..... But just so we're up front about this whole blog wife thing, I will cheat on you. A lot. Sometimes with women, sometimes with men. Sometimes, I even cheat with monsters. I will use you for money and leave you unsatisfied. I will sell you out to the highest bidder and I do accept payment in the form of alcohol or small children from 3rd world countries. (I just stopped to read this and damn I'm good. Just sayin')

Where were we? Oh yeah, this fucked up question designed to start an online bitchfight between me and Britt over who gets you. Where's the prize? Instead, I say that Britt and I hook up, overthrow you, make you our prisoner, tie you up and force you to watch us make out with each other. We'll brush each other's hair afterwards and give each other back rubs. Naked. With hot oil.

So what do I have to offer? Well, I have a pretty good imagination.... And I can teach you how to cuss a mothafucka out in Swahili.

3. What word makes you laugh every time you hear it?

Testicles. It never fails to make me laugh when I read it or hear it spoken out loud. Sometimes, when I'm having a bad day, I just think the world testicles in my head, envision a giant sweaty ball sack that I carry around like a purse and use to slap ignorant twats in the face with and I get a chuckle.

I also like the words creamy, deep-throat, pigfucker and panties.

4. I'm lazy and don't want to read through your archives. Tell me a story about the worst customer you ever had at Hooters?

What and waste a perfectly good blog idea on this crappy ass questionnaire? Uh, no. I will tell you that I had a really, really ugly tranny use our ladies room to give itself a shower once and then cried all over me for an hour. It was like trying to understand Ozzy Osborne or Anna Nicole Smith. The shim was high on something and completely unintelligible. I ended up with makeup smeared all over the front of my white tank top and left work smelling like a bordello. Why is it that trannies bathe in perfume? It doesn't affect our eyesight and we can still see your ballsack through the daisy dukes you're wearing.

5. Other than yourself (and Heather), is there anything good about Ohio? .

Uh, like yeah. The Buckeyes. As in THE OHIO STATE BUCKEYES. Plus the Indians and the Cavaliers. I even like the Browns, but they suck. Shit, I forgot you didn't get the man gene for sports.

We also have no hurricanes or earthquakes, tsunamis or landslides. The fall is gorgeous here with the leaves turning gold and red and orange. Downtown Cleveland is a lot of fun and we have Playhouse Square and the West Side Market and University Circle which is home to more museums in one small area than anywhere else is the country*.

Obviously we are missing 9 months of sunshine, but no place is perfect. Even Florida.

So there you have it, the answers to Avi's questions. Hopefully you were entertained and if not, then fuck off. But if you would like me to send you questions, leave a request in the comments section and I will do my breast. I mean best.

I will be on the road again all day tomorrow, but I will get your questions out to you by this weekend. I promise.

* This may or may not be true, but it sounds really good.


Avitable said...

How do you know how hairy my testicles are? Are you my friend on Facebook? If not, you should be. That's where the ball shots are.

And you did a sexcellent job in answering those questions. I'm going to go masturbate to your answer to #2, but before I do, you should interview me, and I'll post them in your comments or on my blog.

ADW said...

Avi - If I deign to ask you questions, you better post them on your blog. I am too lazy for a facebook account. Unless I had a really great blog friend who would create it and do all the work and then just tell me how to log in.....

Tug said...

Damn right, I've never been done by you, so bring it on! (the questions duh)

LOVED reading your answers - it was like an AviChick!

ADW said...

Tug - I will work on it. And I AM like a chick version of Avi, but I have the literal vagina, not just the figurative one like he has.

Avitable said...

Okay, if you ask me questions, I'll post them on my blog.

And you can do the Facebook account yourself - I'm not that great of a friend!

ADW said...

Avi - Hmmpphhh. Naw, you're just lazy like me.

ADW said...

Tug - your questions have been sent to you.

BottleBlonde said...

Hot damn! You'd strap one on for little ol' me? [batting eyelashes] Bring it on, baby!

I love this post. Aside from discovering that we're now dating - and by dating, I mean muff diving – I cackled my back fat off at your answers to Avitable’s questions.

You are the bomb diggity, ADW.

ADW said...

Blondie McBlonderson - you are on. Now I have to think up some suitable questions.

abstractjenn said...

OK adw - send away I'll answer them and post them on my blog. Hit me with your best shot baby!

ADW said...

Pat Benetar - the questions are winging their way to you right now.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyckerson always makes time to answer questions from His loyal fans. Ask away.

But first, I have a question for you: How do you tell if a girl is ticklish??

Give her a test tickle! Get it? Testicle??

ADW said...

Dyck - that made me laugh and your questions have been sent.

Yoda said...

Loved this post! You're baaad woman!! LOL!

I'm totally missing Ohio State this fall. Fall is not fall until the shithead football fans are playing hookey on campus!! I yearn for those crisp Saturday mornings when parking is a pain, and beer is $1 a pop!

I wanna go back to Columbus ...

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I JUST STarted reading you a while ago. I don't know much about you.

What do you do?
What do you love?
What do you fear?
How were the tips at Hooters?

Effortlessly Average said...

Ok, here's the challenge (if I'm allowed to play, being mostly a lurker an' all): interview me. Should be fun considering you don't know me from your husband's hairy beanbag (or wait, is it hairy, after the honey incident? I'm confused). Should you decide I'm worthy, you can email me through my blog.

I also have a question for you:

Would you lick the creamy-smooth skin of my testicles before you deep-throat while wearing nothing but panties, you pigfucker? (wait, that would make me the pig, though. Oh well).

Crunchy BC said...

"What's good about Ohio?"

Cheap flights to Las Vegas and the Caribbean. Oh, and Dortmunder.

Miss Britt said...

You smoke more than me?

Doubt it. Highly doubt it.

And no one swears more than me in real life. No one. It's so sad.

That being said... I'll bring the rope.

Open Grove Claudia said...

Outside of being grossed out by Avitable's hairy testicles, and all reference to them, you are a total crack up.

Are you going to blog on how you waxed your hubby? Oh please, please....

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Word that makes me laugh is "moist."

And I too wax my asshole. I go in for th 2-in-1 anal wax and bleaching special.

Glamourpuss said...

Part of me is hugely curious to know what you would ask me, and part of me knows not to play with fire.

Jolly answers.


metalmom said...

Avitable's ballsack is the cutest thing on Facebook. (Almost cuter than the ubiquitous LOLcats-UGH!)

You laugh at 'testicles' I laugh at 'dic-taters' Same thing!

Slick said...

Well, I'll give you props. You answered the questions beautifully.

Except when you threw in the Buckeyes.

Did the tranny sell you some drugs??

themuttprincess said...

Ask me!

I am all hot and bothered now thinking of you and Miss Britt.

Please send me some pics.

ADW said...

Yoda - you do not want to go back to Columbus. I know how much fun you are having picking out your new HDTV.

Bug - That sounds like an idea for another post...

E Average - you used every word - good job.

Crunchy BC - those too.

Miss Britt - I dunno about that. Hopefully we'll find out one day.

Claudia - I have to keep you all coming back for more now, don't I?

Cherry - why oh why am I not surprised by that information?

Puss - so is that a yes or no?

MetalMom - I forgot about dick - taters. That too is funny.

Slick - ain't nothin' wrong with loving nuts.

TheMuttPrincess - will do.

Tug said...

Your questions have answers now. ;-)

Anonymous said...

love your site babes - you the man! err, you the girl!

ADW said...

Tug - good job
Betty - Thanks, I think.

Marianne said...

Ahhh, I do love Cleveland, downtown and otherwise. I sang the National Anthem at the Jake in 2001. I will always love the Tribe. And Modell is a fuckin bag of camel jiz. I stalked Bernie Kosar and Bob Golic at the tender age of 15.

It just might be time for another trip to see the fam-damily. Everybody around here just about flipped with I told them I got sloppy ass drunk in the church hall were I was baptized. I got something else in the parking lot too but I don't share that bit of info with too many folks.

Yes I do love Cleveland.