Monday, September 17, 2007

Here's To You...

Stupid Asshole Can't Make Up Her Mind Bitch



I hated this person when I was bartending and she (or sometimes he) held up the line while placing a drink order. First they start off by snapping their fingers or waving their hands or yelling "Hey You" to the bartender. (Side Note: I am not as nice now as I was in my younger years and doing any of the aforementioned things to get my attention will immediately result in me mopping the floor with your face while pushing you around with the stick that I am sure is permanently shoved up your ass.) After you purposely ignore them because they don't deserve to be waited on because they are a shitheaded cuntbag, you finally saunter over just as they are about to stroke out. Then, when you get over to them, these Einsteins start asking the people in their group what they want and it goes a little something like this:



Stupid Twat Ordering the Round: "I'll have a Sex on the Beach" Giggle Giggle. "Hey Lindsey, whadda ya want?"

Lindsey AKA Twat #2: "Um, well, gee, I'm not sure, I am thinking about a frozen drink.."

Me: VERY QUICKLY "My blender is broken, so you have to go to the other bar if you want a frozen drink and NO you cannot pay for it here" Hee Hee Hee.

Twat #2: "well........

........

......"

At the same time, Twat #1 is asking her 4 other fat ugly cunt friends what they want to drink.

Me: "I'll be back when you're ready"

Twat #1: Sputtering.. "I'm ready now"

Me: walking away getting someone's order who has cash in their hand and knows what they want.



Fast Forward



I no longer bartend, unless begged and paid a ton of cash. I will also do it to raise money for charity. However, the seemingly endless supply of idiots in the world amazes me.



Tonight, the Mr. was working late (I think. If not and he was up to no good, I need her name so I can send her flowers), so I took the two demon children that were propelled from my hellwomb to a little fun park. You know a place that has bumper boats and go carts and mini golf and all kinds of arcade games, et cetera. After the park and a healthy dinner of pizza and sugar/caffeine based drinks, we decided to go for ice cream. Actually it was gelato. Really, really great gelato and the only place to get it is at a stand in our mall. Now I know that other than Miss Britt, most of my readers would rather circumcise a wiener with a prison shiv, but this is unfuckingbelievable gelato. So onward we sped toward the great shopping mecca.



Once we went through the hassles of a stroller and bickering and me losing the tenuous grasp I had on my sanity, we finally made our way to the Gelato stand. **Cue the angels singing. And I don't want one angel, I want a fucking horde. Seraphims and Cherubims and Guardians and all the rest.** Once we arrived, I was a little put out to see that there were three ladies in front of me, but I figured the line would move pretty quickly since all they sell at that time of night is Gelato in a Cone or Gelato in a Cup. During the day, they sell crepes and shit, but I could see their equipment was all turned off. No big deal. W-R-O-N-G. These stupid ubercunts wanted to taste EVERY fucking kind of Gelato there was. What, had you never tried ice cream before and didn't know that Gelato is just a creamier version? Seriously genius, strawberry is strawberry and dutch chocolate tastes like dutch chocolate you mental giant.



After about 5 minutes (in a line with whiny bratty childbeasts that is a shithell lifetime), there was only one woman left to order in front of us. Tick-tock bitch, giddyup. It was like 'Nam flashbacks to bartending all over again. I glared at her. Anyone who has read me a while should understand that my glare has made grown men weep. Seriously. I am sure that her sugar-cracked out brain couldn't focus enough and it probably looked to her like I was smiling. The kind of smile that says "take your time while my children destroy half of a shopping center and make me pull my hair out. I have all day." Not really the message I was trying to convey. Then I looked at her, took my index and middle fingers and pointed them at my temple and pulled the finger trigger. Unluckily, I was out of finger bullets and my gun was shooting blanks. It would have almost been worth it to cover that dildo humping beyotch in my brain matter and blood. Cest la vie.



Finally the world's ugliest blow up doll decided on the one flavor she hadn't tried: Lemon Sorbeto. I start shaking my head. SuperDiva starts shaking her head. The ice cream scooper starts shaking her head. We all know the same thing. Lemon Sorbeto is awful. It tastes like really sour turpentine, blech! Well of course this dumbass doesn't listen to the person who scoops the stuff up and serves it all day and tells her that she really likes sour stuff. Finally, the girl hands her a sample of the nasty shit. I didn't think a prune face could pucker up anymore than it already does, but she went to the nth pucker degree. In fact, her countenance resembled an asshole: ugly and wrinkled and full of it. Thankfully she finally decided on Strawberry. Seriously? You turn what was once a four person line into a mass of writhing bodies ready to mob the counter at any minute so that you can taste the rainbow, so to speak, and you get strawberry. Maybe if you had chosen Mango, or one of the really Italian sounding ones, but Strawberry? I wish I had my camera with me because your face would now be on this post with an offer of $500 to anyone who knocked your ass out. Stupid fuck.



I know, know, know I have been a naughty blogger lately, but I have been superbusy with work and shit. I am off again this week, but things should settle down next week. In the meantime, i will leave you with the funniest thing that happened to me at my "conference" last week:

As I was checking out of my hotel at the front desk, the girl getting me my receipt sniffed the air a little and said to me:

"What are you wearing? I recognize that smell."

Me: "Eau De Crown Royal"

Her: Laughing so loudly that others are starting to stare. "Girl, that is my drink. I love Crown Royal."

Exit Stage Left.

24 comments:

fatwonkkid said...

Not that I frequent bars all too often, but what is the appropriate way to get a bartenders attention especially when said bartender doesn't seem to be looking my way or getting close to being in my general vicinity. And don't say go to the other end of the bar, because sometimes that ain't remotely close to being easy.

heather said...

People like that show up everywhere. When I'm trying to schedule appointments for people...I've had them call people on their cell phones and act like the middle man between me and the person on the other end, and my favorite is the parents who sit there for five minutes saying "Gosh, I don't know little poopsie. What's a good time for you?" People suck.

Julie_Gong said...

Personally I'm more of an "Eau De Jack Daniel's" girl but...

Mim said...

Even reading this made me want to claw that bitches eyes out.

Avitable said...

I need a topless bartender for my huge Halloween party in October. Up for it?

Miss Britt said...

For the record, I do not relish going to the mall with my own little... um... "darlings" (I mean, I do it if need be, obviously - but it's not fun). Children should never be allowed in a mall. They should have babysitters lined up at the front door.

Not a Granny said...

Yeah, I remember those bartending days...and one place only served beer and wine. How long does it take to make a decision between bottle or draft? (a lifetime)

VE said...

You should taken over for Mother Theresa...your such an awesome people person! The empathy just flows out from you! ;)

Yoda said...

Some of the crowded nightclubs really ought to have more bartenders. Its almost impossible to get a drink on a Saturday evening.

Since you're frequenting Columbus now, try your hand at Spice! Let me know if you get a drink in under 20 mins :-p

I hate people who hold up a line. Thank god I don't have kids, 'coz I would've just left the line right then and there!

metalmom said...

I always make sure to tip the bartender ridiculously well the FIRST time I order. Usually that's enough to keep their attention. If I am served well, they get another large tip when I leave(Because by then I'm too drunk to figure change and tips and I say keep it!)

Open Grove Claudia said...

I drink Red Breast but I'd hate to really have to articulate - "that's eau de Red Breast". There's no hope for the Irish.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

So much anger, so much hate! I'd like to eat a scoop of gelato right out of your poon!

Mr. Fabulous said...

People are the worst. I long for a gig where I don't have to deal with the public.

George said...

You never fail to put a smile on my face and unfortunately make me remember all the dumbass shits who do crap like that. Good for you for airing it out

ADW said...

Fatwonkkid - Hold out your money where the bartender can see it and have a smile on your face. Even better is to tip well the first time out and they will always be quick to get you your drinks the next time.

Heather - Blech!!

Julie - Eau de booze of any kind (=

Mim - I knew there was a little evil in that sweet gal...

Avi - If I wasn't already in and out of town over the next few weeks, I would totally be there. Next year???

Britt - Is there a mall near you that does that? Damn I need to move to Florida.

Not a Granny - Ugh. Too much wine this weekend.

VE - I have heard that comparison before. I'm considering it, but since I would have to give up the sex....

Yoda - I go to Columbus at least 6-8 times a year, but I have never had the pleasure of frequenting Spice.

MetalMom - Perfect behavior!! You rock!!

Claudia - I guess it's better than Eau De Glenlivet.

Dyck - I knew you would get back to poon comments sooner or later.

Fab - Amen!!!!!!

George - Eh? Just kidding. I love Canada!!!

BottleBlonde said...

Shitheaded cuntbag. LOVE IT. You are quite the wordsmith.

Good Lawd, those are some dense people you encountered. Reminds me of my relatives.

randy of the redwoods said...

Michigan STILL sucks and you STILL have a potty mouth and you're STILL cute and .... damn you're married and you have brats?

The [Cherry] Ride said...

You said cuntbag. Classic.

Paulette Foley said...

I don't have that problem with people as much as I have the problem with technology. The "never fail" computerized cash register breaks down, runs out of tape, or needs some other mechanical repairs as I get to the cashier.

James Burnett said...

Eau de Crown Royale? My childhood counselor used to wear that.

Marianne said...

dildo humping? I'd like to start using that expression myself...with your permission of course!!

Miss Kitty said...

I hate those people too. [sigh] Even if I've had a really shitty day, I *still* do my best not to space out and act like a twat when ordering my drinks.

Because I go the hell home and make them myself. :-P

Avitable said...

Next year it is. Although, you really need to come down and visit me and Britt some weekend.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I love what you write.

Here, we have a place called "Golf n Stuff." It's similar to what you describe.

No gellato, though.