Tuesday, August 7, 2012

A Hurting Heart

I miss my children.  With everything I have inside of me, I miss them.  I am upset and frustrated that to have something so horrible, a medical condition, perverted in a way that will keep my children from me is unfathomable.  What I went through was like walking through the fires of hell.  But I came out of it.  With the love and support of many friends and family and the prayers of people I don't even know, I made it through.

Now I need even more support, because I am battling for my children.  There is no reason that I can see, why we can't all work together to overcome this situation.  I can certainly understand why there was concern, because I was in the hospital and my medication was so messed up that even I didn't know what was going on at the time.  But not now.  To do this is hurting two children who love their mother and want to be with her.

I am doing everything I can do to be the best person I can be.  The amount of pain that I feel, knowing that I have to fight just to be with my two precious children is indescribable.  As a mother, I may not be perfect - who is? - but I am the best mom I can be to my kids.  I love them with every ounce of love I have inside of me.  I tell them every single day that I love them.  That I am proud of them.  That I want to be with them.

I don't write these things for other people to read as my first priority.  I write, at this point in my life, not to entertain, but as a way of expressing all of my emotions and feelings.  This is something that I know how to do and it helps me.  I am thankful that I have this ability to put down into words what is going on inside of my head and what I am feeling in my heart.

In my opinion, your heart is not just an organ that pumps blood throughout your body.  It is a place inside of your soul that frees you from the confines of the world and allows you to love and care and hurt and feel.  Right now my heart is hurting.  There are parts of me that feel guilty because of an illness that I wasn't able to control, because that is really what opened the door to a lot of the pain I am going through.  But I know that God never gives you more than you can handle and through faith and love and hope and a lot of support, I will get through this as well.

I am not a drug addict.  I am not an alcoholic.  I am not abusive to my children.  I am a mother who will fight with everything I have not only to overcome my illness, which I have had for over a decade and has never kept me from caring for my children, but to overcome these other obstacles that are keeping me from being with them right now.

I have faith that there is a plan for my life and that by taking control of the situation, I am using the intelligence and strength that I have been given to turn my heart from one that is hurting to one that is joyful.

Please keep my in your thoughts, prayers, wishes, whatever you believe in.


Monday, August 6, 2012

Not Gonna Break Me

I know I haven't written in a while, but that's because I have been hit time after time in the last week with some of the most horrible things that I have ever had to experience.  And I am saying this right now - IT WILL NOT BREAK ME!!!!

I found out that my exes went for emergency custody of my children while I was out of town and didn't tell me until the day before I was to return.  All of this is complete and utter nonsense because I am a great mother.  I love my children.  They are my life and my heart and soul and the very reason why I am who I am today.  I think that to take advantage of my illness like this is below the bottom of the barrel and since then I have had to retain an attorney for both cases.  Even  more ridiculous is the fact that this could have all been settled without lawyers, since I have proof that everything that happened to me was caused by my medication and that it is straightened out now. 

When I went away, it was the right thing for me to do and I was even encouraged to go by their fathers.  I needed time and after getting out of the hospital it seemed like the best decision I could make, especially since I have worked with both of them in the past on rearranging schedules on both sides to accommodate vacations and time out of town.  So now I feel like they waited until I couldn't do anything about the situation and then they struck.  But that's OK, because I am confident that I will prevail and that as much as this is hurting not only me, but even more so, my children, we will be reunited soon.  It just can't come soon enough for me or for them.  Especially since my son tells me every day on the phone that he is sad and all he wants to do is be with me and see me and hug me and kiss me.

To make matters even worse, I had to deal with the loss of my precious Butter.  My awesome ninja cat who was the coolest animal alive.  I found out that due to the dry weather, somehow, my inside cat - who hated grass touching his feet - got fleas and when I returned, I found his body.  This too was another blow considering how much we all loved him.  I will be writing about him more later.  But needless to say, that was yet another hit.

I have also had to deal with a car that is less than a year old needing to go into the shop, finding an attorney, working, dealing with the pest problem at my condo, seeing my doctor to straighten out my medication and getting healthy.  Any of these things is enough to break someone.  Put them all together in the span of a week and even the strongest human would be hurting.  And I am hurting.  But I will be fine.  I will be better than fine, I will be me again.

I am happier and healthier and more optimistic than I have been in quite a while, even with all of the hits I have taken.  I have a positive support group and people who love me and care about me and want good things for me.  I have people all over the world praying for me and thinking of me and trying to help.  So while I am sad and upset and definitely feel blindsided with this custody issue, I am not going to give up or quit.  Especially not on the two most important people in my life. 

I have made a home for them and for me.  I have worked hard all of my life to overcome difficulties and be a strong person and I will continue to have the can-do attitude that will get me through these days as well.  The strength and support that I have been shown has been amazing.  I will not let my friends down.  I will not let my loved ones down.  Most importantly, I will not let myself or my children down.  Yes I have an illness, but it is no different that any other one.  I am better every day.  I am strong. 

Nothing can break me.