Sunday, July 29, 2012

My Tomorrow

I will be in my own home tomorrow.  Unfortunately, I may not be able to stay there as I found out while I was gone that I desperately need an exterminator because my home was infested while I was away.  And the shit storm keeps pouring down on me.

So I woke up this morning crying.  I know it's not because I am leaving, nor is it because I have to straighten out many of my affairs when I return.  No, it is because my heart is in pain.  Still.  Some days are better, some are not so great.  Yesterday I had another seizure.  It frustrates me, because I still do not have control of my own body though I try so very hard every day to be able to do so.  But my life has not been a bad dream out of which I can wake to sunlight and rainbows.

I know that I have vowed to take things one day at a time, but knowing that I may not have a place to go to pains me because out of all, it is my home.  It is the place I made with my children.  I have had happy times there.  I realize that I am being quite maudlin and that I will get everything straightened out eventually, but I had thought that I would always have someone to turn to in my time of need and while my friends and family are so dear to my heart, most are so very far away from me. 

Sometimes I think that I make people out to be more than they are and when they let me down, it adds to my devastation.  But really, that is my fault, because there are people out there who are only capable of limited things.  Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, not everyone is equipped to handle the bad in life.  Some people are only able to stay for a while.  When things are good.  But when life gets tough, and you are in a world of hurt, that's when you know who really loves you.  Who helps you pick yourself up and get back on your feet?  Who hugs you when you cry and sits with you in the quiet just so you can let yourself breath again?  Those are the people whom I want in my life. 

I very much appreciate all of the positive notes and kind words of encouragement that I have received.  Being sick isn't just about getting better.  I may never get better.  I know I will most likely have this illness for the rest of my life.  Being sick is about learning how to handle what is thrown at you every day and coming out stronger for it.  Today, right now, I feel weak.  In part, because I know I am returning half-healed.  But it comes and goes and right now, writing about it is the only thing I know how to do to help myself.

One of the things I do want to say is that if I have hurt ANYONE because of what has happened in the last month, I will apologize and ask them for forgiveness.  Even though I could not help what was going on in my mind or body, there are people who do not understand that and may feel let down by me.  I am not an intentionally cruel person.  In fact, I usually go out of my way to not hurt others, but I am sincerely sorry for any stress or pain that I have cause my family and friends.

I was joking around about using a new picture my friend took of me on a dating profile, but the truth is that while I never underestimate the power of the universe to take my life in a new direction, I am mainly focused on three things: myself, my children and my career.  Everything else will come after.

I also know what I don't want out of life.  Now it's time for me to figure out what I do want and how to get it.


Friday, July 27, 2012

My Visit with Pooh

I spent time with my grandmother yesterday.  I call her Pooh.  It's something only I call her and I think she finds it quite amusing.  She is a remarkable woman.  Strong, fiery, independent and fierce, I hope that some of her fighting spirit rubbed off on me during our visit.

You see Pooh was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer a few months ago.  While some people in my family were pulling their hair and gnashing their teeth, she calmly decided that she was going to figure out how to live.  She went with the most aggressive form of chemotherapy and said that you didn't get rid of cancer by throwing marshmallows at it.  That's the kind of woman she is.

She also decided to get a puppy.  And not just any ordinary puppy, but one that there is a waiting list for and it is in another state.  One that won't be ready until Labor Day.  That's foresight and planning and just plain pissing in the face of what's going on in her body.  There are some people who think that's crazy, I think it's awesome.  And she showed me the picture of the puppies who were just born a week ago.  She has her pick of three, so she's now trying to decided which one she wants.  She is also making a bed for it and my uncle's puppy which he is getting at the same time.

During our visit we talked a lot about everything that has been going on in my family for the last few years.  We talked of my children, my illness, her therapy and a ton of other stuff.  But most importantly we spoke of forgiveness.  When she walked me to the door to say goodbye, she squeezed me tight, looked me in the eyes and said: "don't you worry about anyone else.  You focus on forgiving yourself and everything else will come in time."

I drove away with tears in my eyes.  Because she was right.  This whole time, while I had been working through my mind thissituation, it never occurred to me that I have been blaming myself.  But I have.  For so many things.  For letting other people down.  For being sick and not being able to control it.  For turning into someone I don't even know anymore because of that lack of control.  For so many things. 

So now I am working on forgiving myself for all of the blame I place on my own shoulders.  The pain I feel inside for failing everyone in my life.  The embarrassment of my illness and the failure of personal relationships in my life. 

I am trying to be the best me I can be.  And when I am good, I am very, very good.  So I will focus on that.  I will no longer take on more than I am capable of and feel like a failure when it doesn't work.  I am a strong, confident woman and I will come back better than ever.


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

How Well Do You Know Me

As a general rule, I think that if you are in a relationship with someone, whether you're just friends, family or they are your significant other, those people whould be the ones that know you the best.  So from now on, I am making a list of things that people, if they are interested in my life, should know about me.  I'm not answering them, I am just putting them down here for posterity to see how well people really do know me in the future.  It's all about making an effort to find out what makes the person you are close to tick, so to speak.  If you are a part of someone's life, then you should know certain things about them that are important to them.

So here is my list:

  1. What is my FULL name?
  2. What is my dream for my birthday this year?
  3. How many siblings do I have?
  4. What is my favorite song?
  5. What is my favorite flower?
  6. What is my favorite movie?
  7. What is my favorite book?
  8. What color are my eyes?
  9. Name three of my favorite things to do as relaxation.
  10. Name three things I like to do for fun.

I think 10 is enough for now.  If people want to know me, they should make the effort to know those things.  When I want to know someone, I make the effort.  I try.  I give a lot of myself to the people that I care about and I deserve the same in return.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012


I am not usually very talkative about religion.  I guess because I grew up in an ultra religious (complete hypocrisy) household, I became a bit withdrawn about my personal beliefs and I don't intend to get into them now.  What I will do is say that I have been praying a lot.  And I have been asking for a lot.  And I have been hoping that my prayers are heard and answered in the RIGHT WAY.  Because let's be honest.  What I'm praying for might not be what is right for me. 

I pray for:
  • Strength
  • Wisdom
  • Health
  • My Children
  • My Family
  • My Friends
  • For my heart to heal
  • For forgiveness
  • For the ability to forgive
  • For happiness
  • To be a better version of the old me
  • Love
  • An open heart
  • Healing
  • Kindness
  • An understanding mind
  • The ability to be successful at my career
But most of all, I pray for the pain to go away.  Because I am still hurting.  I was let down by several people in my life whom I thought would be there for me, but they weren't.  All of the above listed will hopefully allow me to move on, but maybe I will never get over it.  I hope and pray that I do.

I want to have a kind, open, loving heart.  And I know that I can't do that until I learn to forgive.  Of course, those that I need to forgive don't ask for forgiveness, but I still need to give it.  I don't know when I will be able to do that, to forgive.  And I know that forgiveness is a great gift.  It lifts a burden off of your soul.  It allows you to move on and move past the pain and the hurt and the lies.  So maybe if I pray for the ability to forgive, the hurt will go away.  Who knows? 

The ONLY thing I know is that I am with someone who loves me unconditionally.  For exactly who I am.  And that one day, in time, I will find others who feel the same way about me.  This, more than anything, has allowed me to be stronger and happier. 

Even my coworkers and friends and family have commented on my cheerfulness today.

So I will just keep praying.  And living every day. 


Sunday, July 22, 2012

Learning to Let Go

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me.  I had two seizures and really felt emotional and upset about everything that has happened.  But I had the strength to push through it.  I will be stronger than this illness and I will get better. 

My girlfriend had a "Come to Jesus" talk with me yesterday.  She told me the things I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear which is what I needed at the time.  And between my thoughts and that conversation, I know that I have to let go of a lot of things in my life.

  • Guilt - over my illness.  Over what could have been.  Over other peoples' actions.  All of it.
  • My feelings of inadequacy - I am good enough.  I didn't deserve what happened to me.  I am worthy of love.  I deserve to have people in my life who truly care for me and take care of me.
  • People - those who add stress to my life.  The ones who hurt me.  The ones who don't care enough to be there for me.  Anyone who doesn't make me a better person.
  • Hopelessness - There are people who care about me.  There is hope.  I have people that I can talk to who understand and care.
  • False Ideology - There are people out there who can't or won't be anything more than they are.  And I can't change that.  There is no hope for them in my life.  They will never change or be any better than they have to be, so it's better for me not to have them in my life because they cause me stress and pain.
But there are also a lot of wonderful things in my life.  Friends, family, children, my fat-ass ninja cat.  A great company that I work for which is very understanding and caring to me and has been so helpful through all of my problems. 

Also?  I ventured out again yesterday with D to go see a movie.  And I actually laughed.  A lot.  And then we went to Serendipity, where I proceeded to eat more in one sitting than I have in the last month and was S-I-C-K as hell because of it.  I am also sure that I am carrying around a food baby and I had my tubes tied.  Oh well.  Maybe when I give birth to it, the doctors will give me an epidural.


Saturday, July 21, 2012

Dream a Little Dream

I woke up this morning with the craziest dreams running through my head.  Of course, my first thought was that everything was status quo, but then I realized how much my life has changed over the last few weeks.  It sank in where I was and what I had been through and then I started remembering my dreams.  People from the past, the present and ones I had never met before.

I know the most startling thing that I dreamt about was golfing.  Which is really strange because I don't ever remember dreaming about that subject before.  But there I was, alone, on this gorgeous golf course and I was surrounded by all of these men who were just dying to play.  And I was by myself.  I hit my first tee shot and promptly lost my ball and then while looking for my ball, lost my golf clubs.  I am sure that is my subconscious speaking to me, because I recently took up golfing again and lost both my golf partner and my golf clubs.  It's crazy the things that you will do to make someone else happy when you care about them.  That's what my dream said to me.  I was alone, surrounded by people I didn't know, nor care to know, but I kept at it.  I kept looking for my clubs praying to find them and eventually I did.  I have no clue what that means for me in real life, but I feel like I can't give up on my dreams anymore.  And I absolutely will not change the kind of person that I am simply because I have been hurt in the past.

Maybe I dreamt a little craziness because of the evening I had which consisted of me FINALLY leaving the island.  My girlfriend and I went out to dinner at a very nice restaurant, where we promptly sweated our asses off because it was outside and their fans weren't working.  I also managed to eat part of a steak and while it was OK, it just doesn't compare to my top two places to have a steak back home.  Eventually, the sweat and heat and the weird M.I.A. lookalike - who by the way was rocked out of her gourd and wearing a lace veil - drove us inside to the lobby of the hotel.  It wasn't until then that we realized it was freaking fashion week.  And then the following happened:

  • I was hit on by someone who may have had his head shrunk and told me he was a doctor no less than 10 times.
  • His friend yelled at my friend for not talking to him.  She told him to get fucked.
  • I was standing at the lobby bar and was approached by two Indian men.  One was approximately the size of a Zu-Zu Pet.  The other asked me if I was in town for fashion week and if I had an agency.  Um, what?  My girlfriend threw away his card, but then the bartender told us he was a solid photographer who worked all over the area. 
  • I was oddly flattered by that, since I am about 15 years too old and 5 inches too short to be a swimsuit model, but I am really chalking it up to the fact that D is in makeup artistry school down here and I was airbrushed and painted to hell and back last night!!!
  • Oh and since we were bored, I thought we should people watch.  We were standing against a pillar and suddenly there was a HUGE commotion of people coming through.  It ended up being Kanye West and Kim Kardashian and their bodyguards and entourage.  Meh.  I was not impressed.  He looked to be about the same size as she was and in her defense, if I had people following me around everywhere, I would probably look like I had a mouthful of shit too.
There's nothing more anticlimactic than some D list celebrity spotting.....  OK maybe C list, since he is like an A and she is an F, so we moved on.  D's friend is a club promoter, so we were on the list for a place neither of us had ever been.  She had heard good things about the place.  Those people are obviously liars, because what happened next was sheer insanity.

First of all, D is insanely gorgeous!  In fact, we joke that she's a lost Kardashian, because she has that exotic look about her and a killer body.  I am not ugly.  But between the two of us, there is no way in hell that we should be the hottest girls in a nightclub.  First of all I was over the median female age range by about a decade.  At least.  Secondly, we had a table - courtesy of the promoters - and their job is to bring in pretty girls to lure in the guys.  Last night, I am certain that their qualifications meant that you only had to have a pair of boobs and a short skirt because the hottest girl there was our server. 

Anyway, unattractive people aside, we were in VIP, which is where I belong thankyouverymuch.  However, the table next to us was filled with a large group of men from Canada and Italy.  And I have never seen so much douchebaggery in my life.

The following is a list of my observations about the rest of the evening:

  • What is up with SUPER TIGHT colored jeans on men?  They all had moose knuckles. 
  • Two of the guys looked like the Mario Brothers and were wearing the same shirt. 
  • D wanted a picture so I offered to "dance" with them for a time limit not to exceed 5.6 seconds while she snapped the shot.
  • That was until I turned around to see the guy we nicknamed Toadstool grabbing Mario's crotch and holding on for dear life.  When he saw me looking he tried to replace his hand with mine.
  • I pulled out my flyswatter and smacked him lightly, but he went flying across the room. 
  • That didn't dispel his notion that he was the hottest guy in the room, so he started dancing on the table which brought his height to approximate 5 feet even.  I might even be spotting him a few inches.
  • Collectively, we couldn't take anymore, so we decided to leave.  However they closed their outside bar and the exit was into some back alley.
  • We couldn't help feeling like we had been kicked out of the club, when all we wanted to do was get into our beds.
  • Our cabbie was the best part of the evening.  He played his rap music loud and drove like a fugitive from the law.  His entertainment amused me so much that I made his tip a large one.

So that was about it for my evening out.  Not awful.  My girl and I laughed a lot.  Ended up a bit annoyed at the end of the evening and went to bed.  But under all of that, I was still hurting the entire evening and I pray for the day when I wake up and make it 24 hours without crying.  I have a long way to go, but I rejoined humanity for a while and while it felt awkward, at least I made the effort.

Friday, July 20, 2012

How Does Your Garden Grow?

I've been doing a lot of thinking this past week or so.  On the road to recovery, as one might say, you tend to reflect on the past.  Looking back on mistakes that you made along the way.  Looking back on mistakes that others made along the way as well.

In my reflection, a common theme keeps sprouting up.  My garden.  For years, I planted a garden every year.  I discovered how much I loved seeing things grow.  Flowers, vegetables, bushes, trees, plants, it didn't matter.  I put a remarkable amount of time, love and passion into growing things.

Because of a situational change, it wasn't until this year that I was able to plant again.  Something else that I did out of love.  True of heart, I weeded, planted, fertilized and watered.  I planned out something that I thought was both beautiful and kind.  I expended an enormous amount of time and energy doing so, but it was done, not out of a sense of responsibility, but of genuine kindness.  To make both myself and others around me happy.  To see something that I put into the earth with my own hands grow and bloom and thrive beyond measure.  In a sense, it was a way for me to live when the rest of me felt like I was dying.

But now, I no longer have my garden.  And I miss it terribly.  It seems a bit selfish to me that I should feel this way because it was done as a gift.  Yet I still can't help but think about it.  How are my herbs growing?  Are my vegetables getting enough food and water and sunlight and natural rain?  I don't know the answers to these questions and I know that I have to let the garden go. 

So now, I am focusing on my personal garden.  As a euphemism for my life, it seems quite appropriate.  To keep myself healthy, I need water and nourishment and sunlight.  I even need music to keep growing.  I have to make sure that I rid myself of the weeds that were surrounding me and strangling my growth.  For my own personal happiness, for my well-being, I have to be strong.  And I also need tending.  Which I have.  People in my life who care for me and help me.

So how does your garden grow?  Are there weeds that you need to remove?


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Dancing With the Devil

Sharing something as personal as an illness brings to light quite a few things.  One is that this has helped me in ways I never thought it would.  Other people have responded and e-mailed me with their stories.  They understand what I have been going through in a way that no one else can.  When you have something like a seizure disorder, the effects aren't always visible.  Most people don't even try to look beneath the surface to see what is going on with you.  That's when a lot of the problems start.  At least that's how my story goes.

My seizures have been yo-yoing back and forth for the last four years, for whatever reason.  I have spent time in and out of hospitals and doctors' offices trying to figure out the right combination of medication and therapy.  But nothing has really seemed to help.  The majority of my seizures are stress-induced and I have been under a lot of pressure for quite a while now.

Things came to a head this last month or so.  My medication was changed so many times that the various amounts of different drugs running through my system caused a major functional meltdown in both my body and my mind.  It's hard to explain to someone what that feels like, and I can't really other than it felt like my body was taken over by someone who wasn't me anymore.

I am normally a very outgoing, happy, fun person.  Sure I have my moments, but who doesn't?  But in the last few months, I have alternated between barely normal and something tantamount to Sybil.  And this was not something I could control.  Looking back, if I had the right people around me, or I talked to someone who really cared about what was going on with me, I could have gotten the help that I needed.  But I was afraid of changing the status quo.  I certainly didn't want to end up back in the hospital, which is what happened, so I said nothing.  Instead, my behavior became more erratic.  This was from a combination of things happening in my personal life and the medication I was taking which turns out was not so good for me.

Eventually things came to a head a week and a half ago now.  I ended up back in the hospital - twice.  My medication was totally out of control.  I was out of control.  I didn't even know what I was doing half of the time and the other half, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never wake up again.  That's what this THING does to me.  And unfortunately for me, I was relying on someone who was incapable of helping me and instead made my situation worse.

When I finally reached out - to the right group of people - albeit almost too late, I finally ended up exactly where I needed to be.  And I am sitting here, typing this, with tears rolling down my face as I realize just how badly the situation could have ended.  I could have died.  The amount of drugs running through my system could put down a 300 pound linebacker.  Fortunately for me, I was used to it, so I survived.

Now I want to move past survival.  I know I will get through this.  And while each day gets a little bit better and easier, I don't want the JUST survive.  I want to thrive.  I want to be that mother, sister, daughter and friend that I have been in the past.  I want to know that I am worthy of someone who wants to care for me and take care of me the way that I need.  I want to be able to put my trust in someone without the fear of being hurt again.  And I will.  Because if I don't, then the devil wins.  And I'm done dancing with him.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Gaining Weight

For most people in our society, there is an obsession with being thin.  Losing weight is a major goal in a lot of lives.  But to what extent are we willing to go to do so?  Fad diets?  Weight loss challenges?  Unused gym memberships?  Starvation?  Bulimia?  There are so many quick fix options out there for people.

I, unfortunately, am on the other end of the spectrum.  Because of my medication and illness, I literally have an almost impossible time eating.  I try to force myself to eat, but it's harder than most people think.  And the very unfunny thing is that I just weighed myself for the first time in a very long time and I am unhealthily thin.  I have always looked like I am about 10 pounds lighter than I really am, but I am also a little taller than average, so now I look gaunt.  My clothes hang off of me.  And while there are a lot of women out there who WANT to look like this, I do not.

I want to look healthy.  Thin?  Yes.  Emaciated?  No.  A lot of this also comes from the personal stress I have been put under as well.  I thought being confined to a loving and safe environment would relieve some of my stress and while I have good moments, the bad ones are by far still outweighing the good.  I tried to watch a romantic comedy last night and literally broke down.  So the stress is still getting to me.  I am still having seizures, but they are getting better.  Less frequent and not as debilitating.

The one solace that I do have is in my work.  I am able to focus on my career and this is a very strong plus in the positive category.  But even while working, I still have all of these jumbles of emotions rolling around in my semi-functioning brain.  There is still a lot of hurt and pain to work through.

People keep telling me that I am strong, but I don't feel that way.  I feel weak and overwhelmed.  I feel like my life has gone on a ninety degree hairpin turn and I don't know what is waiting for me around the corner.

Some days, I just want to wake up and realize that the last month was all a bad dream and go back to the way things were before.  But that can't happen.  And through speaking with those closest to me, I have realized that the before was ALL A LIE.  That I was used and betrayed and that it almost killed me.  Literally.

So now, I am still focusing on myself.  I made a Visalus shake this morning for protein and energy.  I am going to try and start a regimen in order to get healthy the right way and gain weight.

At least, I'd like to get my booty back!!!!

Can I get an Amen?

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Not Knowing What Comes Next

I'll admit, I am a little bit obsessive with planning.  Which is why, at this phase in my life, not knowing what is going to come next makes me anxious. 

But there are certain things I know to be true, so I hold on to those and try and let everything else go.

  1. I have people who love and care about me
  2. I will get better
  3. I am working on myself
  4. I am focused on my career
  5. My health has become a priority for me
  6. I have time.  Time away to heal and think and plan for the future
  7. I have AMAZING children who love and cherish me almost as much as I love and cherish them
  8. I am going to focus on being positive
  9. I am going to let the hurt seep away until it becomes a distant memory and not an every day reminder of betrayal
  10. I am going to try to write something every day because I know it helps me even if it is drivel and nonsense most of the time
  11. I will not give in to the demons that are eating away at me
  12. I will reach out to people when I need help
  13. Thirteen is a nice number to end on and I don't have anything else to say

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me and been so supportive.  Most of you don't even realize the horrors of the last month, but your words of encouragement and love have helped more than you can ever know.


Monday, July 16, 2012

Not Finding My Anger

I know that in the past I have sometimes presented myself as somewhat acerbic and sarcastic.  But deep down inside, I really am a kind and gentle person.  That's why this last month has been so hard on me.  I was hurt and let down by people that I deeply love and then somehow the blame was cast back onto me.

I sometimes think that if I had a "real" illness - one that people could see - that things would be different.  But I don't and they aren't.  If I had cancer or a broken leg or something that someone could look at and say "yes, I get it" that they would understand.  But what I have isn't visible unless you are watching me have a seizure.  And the medication issue was so bad that I didn't even appear to be my normal self. 

But instead of being there for me, some people just walked away.  Not just that, but devastated me with their cruelty and callousness.  I now know who really loves me and who was just using me.

Today I was told that I am angry.  But the truth is, I am not.  What I am is hurt that I could so misjudge some of the people in my life.  That I was tricked and lied to and used in a manner so that someone could gain something.  I was treated with disregard when I was at my lowest point and then someone took a hammer to me and shattered what little strength I had left.

No.  I am not angry.  I am broken.  I am hurting.  I am torn inside.  I am shaky and frustrated and utterly and completely distraught.  But I am strong.  When a glass breaks, you can always melt it down and reshape it into something stronger.  Something better and more beautiful than it was before it was broken.

I am looking for strength.  I am finding out how to heal and love myself and do things for me again.  Because I don't really want to find my anger.  I want to find my compassion.  I want to find my happiness and joy.  I want to breathe and not feel like I am inhaling glass every time I do so.

I have made a promise to myself, my family and my loved ones.  To get better.  And I will.  Every day brings to light new information that makes it a little bit easier to get through the day.

I have found solace and comfort in those that care the most about me.  I know that I am a kind, giving person who will do anything for someone that I love and I will not let this last mistake change that. 

I will smile and laugh again.  I will work hard at my career.  I will make new friends and eventually meet new people.  And I will still trust.  Because if I stop trusting and having faith then the evil that was in my life wins and I'm not going to let it win.


Sunday, July 15, 2012

One Day at a Time

The last few days have been so crazy. I have a whirlwind of emotions swirling around inside of me. One thing I can truly say is that I am not happy yet. I know it takes time and effort and if anyone can do it, that person is me, but I still feel numb most of the time.

I left home to heal. To gain strength and feel like myself again. But I don't. Not yet.

I was invited to leave the island with some friends last night to attend an event. I even went so far as to go find something to wear. But in the two hours we were shopping, I felt like my head was going to explode if I didn't get out of the place we were in. I just ended up frustrated and scared and confused.

By the time we got back, I had already decided not to go. There is no way I wanted to be around a huge crowd of people right now. I can feel them pressing in on me, sucking all of the oxygen out of the space I am in. So instead, I took a nap. I watched a movie. I went back to bed.

I'm still having nightmares. I wake up in the middle of the night and reach next to me, only to realize that my comfort, my whole world has disappeared. And then I start to cry. Sometimes the tears just stream down my cheeks as I remember what is now my reality. Sometimes my body is wracked with sobs. But always, I remember. I see. The visual evidence of the last few weeks is etched into my retinas. I see it when I wake up. It keeps me from sleeping at night.

And it hurts. The pain is almost unbearable at times. Sometimes, I blame myself. But I realize that it isn't my fault. What happened to me. All of it. None of it. The people who care about me didn't really see the signs either. I knew something was wrong. In my heart, in my head, I just knew. In all aspects of my life.

But this changes nothing. All I can do is take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I know, inside, that I am a good person. She's still in there.

I pray. For strength. For the ability to forgive. For my children and my family. For my health and well being. For the nightmares to stop. But I don't pray for the ability to wake up and realize this has all been a dream. Because that will never happen.

Yesterday morning I woke up. I went for a run. I did yoga on the beach. Today I can feel it in my body. The solid proof that I am doing something to recover. Maybe I will just stay in my cocoon for the next two weeks. I don't know how this process is supposed to work. But little by little, I am making an effort. For myself first. For everyone else second. The way it should be.

But I am taking it one day at a time.

Friday, July 13, 2012

An Invisible Disease

It's funny in a psychotically perspective sort of way that I'm sitting on airplane flying to what most people would consider paradise after the hell that I've put everyone who cares about me through over the last week. Ok. To be honest, it is an island paradise, but I'm not really there for the paradise part. I'm there to heal. To become whole again. To get back that fun loving, carefree girl that I used to be once upon a time. Before the seizures and doctors and countless tests and drugs.

My good Lord the drugs. As they say, but for the grace of God go I. Since I started having seizures I've been diagnosed, misdiagnosed, rediagnosed and multi-diagnosed. I've endured what many other people with an invisible disease have endured. But instead of relying on the internal strength that I know I have, I let the disease take me over. I worked with several doctors. All of whom seemed to have a different cocktail for me to take to help. Let me fill you in on a little secret - none of them helped. At least not in the long run. What they ended up doing was messing with my head, my heart and my soul. I couldn't live without the benzos because I have stress induced seizures. But the more seizures I had, the more pills I took. Until this last month when my medication was changed three times in five different variations.

I'm going to let that settle in a little bit for you. Because when you change any type of medication that much, the only way to describe it is a complete mind cluster fuck. I couldn't tell up from down or straight from sideways. I had a total mental and physical breakdown and literally was unable to function.

The good thing is that I'm alive. The bad is that I almost wasn't. Between everything I described and a massive betrayal by someone I thought would never, ever hurt me in the way I was hurt, I ended up in the hospital. And not voluntarily. My sisters - my three familial sisters and the three sisters of my heart stepped in. And my brother - who loves me unconditionally as well. They recognized the signs that I needed help and got it for me.

A large part of what many people don't understand is that it was not something under my control. The vast amounts of medicines floating through my brain, bloodstream and nervous system took over my body. I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't even aware of what was happening half the time. And please understand that more people than anyone knows about go through this same thing. I don't fully blame the doctors, but let's be honest. They get you in and out and with seizures it is half science half guessing. And science failed me.

But the people who really love me.... They didn't fail me. They are all working together and with me to get me whole again. So now I write this from a plane thirty thousand feet in the air flying to a private place where I can detox from the medication. I can get healthy. Gain wait - try going from a 36 D to a 32 B in two months. It's no bueno. Do yoga. Meditate. I can also focus on my work. I am lucky enough to work from anywhere for the next two weeks, so I am doing it in a safe environment.

Not everyone is religious. And I'm not a pusher. But I've been praying to my God to protect me. When you are looking at a bottle of Ambien and start thinking that it looks like a good idea, I don't care who you are. You need some Jesus in your life.

To clarify, I'm not suicidal. All the thoughts and actions were side effects of medication. Read the labels. Carefully. Because if your medicine makes you start thinking about where you want your ashes scattered, fucking call someone. Get help. Immediately. It was almost too late for me.

I know this isn't a quick fix. It won't happen overnight. Or in the next month. I'm going to take it day by day. I'm going to be the best ME I can be on a daily basis. I am not going to try. Trying is for people who plan on quitting. I will be healthy and happy and whole again. First and foremost for myself. I'm the last person I think of and I need to be first for a while. Just like in an airplane, you put your oxygen mask on first so you can help the person next to you. So it's my turn to breathe again.

Love and Peace,