Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Gaining Weight

For most people in our society, there is an obsession with being thin.  Losing weight is a major goal in a lot of lives.  But to what extent are we willing to go to do so?  Fad diets?  Weight loss challenges?  Unused gym memberships?  Starvation?  Bulimia?  There are so many quick fix options out there for people.

I, unfortunately, am on the other end of the spectrum.  Because of my medication and illness, I literally have an almost impossible time eating.  I try to force myself to eat, but it's harder than most people think.  And the very unfunny thing is that I just weighed myself for the first time in a very long time and I am unhealthily thin.  I have always looked like I am about 10 pounds lighter than I really am, but I am also a little taller than average, so now I look gaunt.  My clothes hang off of me.  And while there are a lot of women out there who WANT to look like this, I do not.

I want to look healthy.  Thin?  Yes.  Emaciated?  No.  A lot of this also comes from the personal stress I have been put under as well.  I thought being confined to a loving and safe environment would relieve some of my stress and while I have good moments, the bad ones are by far still outweighing the good.  I tried to watch a romantic comedy last night and literally broke down.  So the stress is still getting to me.  I am still having seizures, but they are getting better.  Less frequent and not as debilitating.

The one solace that I do have is in my work.  I am able to focus on my career and this is a very strong plus in the positive category.  But even while working, I still have all of these jumbles of emotions rolling around in my semi-functioning brain.  There is still a lot of hurt and pain to work through.

People keep telling me that I am strong, but I don't feel that way.  I feel weak and overwhelmed.  I feel like my life has gone on a ninety degree hairpin turn and I don't know what is waiting for me around the corner.

Some days, I just want to wake up and realize that the last month was all a bad dream and go back to the way things were before.  But that can't happen.  And through speaking with those closest to me, I have realized that the before was ALL A LIE.  That I was used and betrayed and that it almost killed me.  Literally.

So now, I am still focusing on myself.  I made a Visalus shake this morning for protein and energy.  I am going to try and start a regimen in order to get healthy the right way and gain weight.

At least, I'd like to get my booty back!!!!

Can I get an Amen?


Avitable said...

It is a fantastic booty.

sybil law said...


Anonymous said...

"People keep telling me that I am strong, but I don't feel that way. I feel weak and overwhelmed."
I got alot of that too. I think it's just because ordinary people don't know how to help and can't help so they say that.
Keep working on hope and don't worry about the eating. Appetite will return when your psyche allows. Drinking rich smoothies is a good idea! There will be beautiful days ahead. One step at a time one day at a time.....