I will be in my own home tomorrow. Unfortunately, I may not be able to stay there as I found out while I was gone that I desperately need an exterminator because my home was infested while I was away. And the shit storm keeps pouring down on me.
So I woke up this morning crying. I know it's not because I am leaving, nor is it because I have to straighten out many of my affairs when I return. No, it is because my heart is in pain. Still. Some days are better, some are not so great. Yesterday I had another seizure. It frustrates me, because I still do not have control of my own body though I try so very hard every day to be able to do so. But my life has not been a bad dream out of which I can wake to sunlight and rainbows.
I know that I have vowed to take things one day at a time, but knowing that I may not have a place to go to pains me because out of all, it is my home. It is the place I made with my children. I have had happy times there. I realize that I am being quite maudlin and that I will get everything straightened out eventually, but I had thought that I would always have someone to turn to in my time of need and while my friends and family are so dear to my heart, most are so very far away from me.
Sometimes I think that I make people out to be more than they are and when they let me down, it adds to my devastation. But really, that is my fault, because there are people out there who are only capable of limited things. Emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, not everyone is equipped to handle the bad in life. Some people are only able to stay for a while. When things are good. But when life gets tough, and you are in a world of hurt, that's when you know who really loves you. Who helps you pick yourself up and get back on your feet? Who hugs you when you cry and sits with you in the quiet just so you can let yourself breath again? Those are the people whom I want in my life.
I very much appreciate all of the positive notes and kind words of encouragement that I have received. Being sick isn't just about getting better. I may never get better. I know I will most likely have this illness for the rest of my life. Being sick is about learning how to handle what is thrown at you every day and coming out stronger for it. Today, right now, I feel weak. In part, because I know I am returning half-healed. But it comes and goes and right now, writing about it is the only thing I know how to do to help myself.
One of the things I do want to say is that if I have hurt ANYONE because of what has happened in the last month, I will apologize and ask them for forgiveness. Even though I could not help what was going on in my mind or body, there are people who do not understand that and may feel let down by me. I am not an intentionally cruel person. In fact, I usually go out of my way to not hurt others, but I am sincerely sorry for any stress or pain that I have cause my family and friends.
I was joking around about using a new picture my friend took of me on a dating profile, but the truth is that while I never underestimate the power of the universe to take my life in a new direction, I am mainly focused on three things: myself, my children and my career. Everything else will come after.
I also know what I don't want out of life. Now it's time for me to figure out what I do want and how to get it.