Friday, July 13, 2012

An Invisible Disease

It's funny in a psychotically perspective sort of way that I'm sitting on airplane flying to what most people would consider paradise after the hell that I've put everyone who cares about me through over the last week. Ok. To be honest, it is an island paradise, but I'm not really there for the paradise part. I'm there to heal. To become whole again. To get back that fun loving, carefree girl that I used to be once upon a time. Before the seizures and doctors and countless tests and drugs.

My good Lord the drugs. As they say, but for the grace of God go I. Since I started having seizures I've been diagnosed, misdiagnosed, rediagnosed and multi-diagnosed. I've endured what many other people with an invisible disease have endured. But instead of relying on the internal strength that I know I have, I let the disease take me over. I worked with several doctors. All of whom seemed to have a different cocktail for me to take to help. Let me fill you in on a little secret - none of them helped. At least not in the long run. What they ended up doing was messing with my head, my heart and my soul. I couldn't live without the benzos because I have stress induced seizures. But the more seizures I had, the more pills I took. Until this last month when my medication was changed three times in five different variations.

I'm going to let that settle in a little bit for you. Because when you change any type of medication that much, the only way to describe it is a complete mind cluster fuck. I couldn't tell up from down or straight from sideways. I had a total mental and physical breakdown and literally was unable to function.

The good thing is that I'm alive. The bad is that I almost wasn't. Between everything I described and a massive betrayal by someone I thought would never, ever hurt me in the way I was hurt, I ended up in the hospital. And not voluntarily. My sisters - my three familial sisters and the three sisters of my heart stepped in. And my brother - who loves me unconditionally as well. They recognized the signs that I needed help and got it for me.

A large part of what many people don't understand is that it was not something under my control. The vast amounts of medicines floating through my brain, bloodstream and nervous system took over my body. I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't even aware of what was happening half the time. And please understand that more people than anyone knows about go through this same thing. I don't fully blame the doctors, but let's be honest. They get you in and out and with seizures it is half science half guessing. And science failed me.

But the people who really love me.... They didn't fail me. They are all working together and with me to get me whole again. So now I write this from a plane thirty thousand feet in the air flying to a private place where I can detox from the medication. I can get healthy. Gain wait - try going from a 36 D to a 32 B in two months. It's no bueno. Do yoga. Meditate. I can also focus on my work. I am lucky enough to work from anywhere for the next two weeks, so I am doing it in a safe environment.

Not everyone is religious. And I'm not a pusher. But I've been praying to my God to protect me. When you are looking at a bottle of Ambien and start thinking that it looks like a good idea, I don't care who you are. You need some Jesus in your life.

To clarify, I'm not suicidal. All the thoughts and actions were side effects of medication. Read the labels. Carefully. Because if your medicine makes you start thinking about where you want your ashes scattered, fucking call someone. Get help. Immediately. It was almost too late for me.

I know this isn't a quick fix. It won't happen overnight. Or in the next month. I'm going to take it day by day. I'm going to be the best ME I can be on a daily basis. I am not going to try. Trying is for people who plan on quitting. I will be healthy and happy and whole again. First and foremost for myself. I'm the last person I think of and I need to be first for a while. Just like in an airplane, you put your oxygen mask on first so you can help the person next to you. So it's my turn to breathe again.

Love and Peace,


Avitable said...

I love that you posted this online, too. Love you.

sybil law said...

I admit - I AM jealous of your paradise, but certainly NOT of why you're going there.
I really hope you're okay and I know you'll get better. I am especially happy there are people in your life who love you and are there for you when you need it.
Thanks for posting! xoxo

Tug said...

<3 Sending prayers of my own to you.

Anonymous said...

I can relate. I always put myself last too and it seems like everyone takes all the goodies I provide for granted. I need to get back to Hawaii too. Been thinking about it. I have been wodering about you. Love you. Marky