Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Prayer

I am not usually very talkative about religion.  I guess because I grew up in an ultra religious (complete hypocrisy) household, I became a bit withdrawn about my personal beliefs and I don't intend to get into them now.  What I will do is say that I have been praying a lot.  And I have been asking for a lot.  And I have been hoping that my prayers are heard and answered in the RIGHT WAY.  Because let's be honest.  What I'm praying for might not be what is right for me. 

I pray for:
  • Strength
  • Wisdom
  • Health
  • My Children
  • My Family
  • My Friends
  • For my heart to heal
  • For forgiveness
  • For the ability to forgive
  • For happiness
  • To be a better version of the old me
  • Love
  • An open heart
  • Healing
  • Kindness
  • An understanding mind
  • The ability to be successful at my career
But most of all, I pray for the pain to go away.  Because I am still hurting.  I was let down by several people in my life whom I thought would be there for me, but they weren't.  All of the above listed will hopefully allow me to move on, but maybe I will never get over it.  I hope and pray that I do.

I want to have a kind, open, loving heart.  And I know that I can't do that until I learn to forgive.  Of course, those that I need to forgive don't ask for forgiveness, but I still need to give it.  I don't know when I will be able to do that, to forgive.  And I know that forgiveness is a great gift.  It lifts a burden off of your soul.  It allows you to move on and move past the pain and the hurt and the lies.  So maybe if I pray for the ability to forgive, the hurt will go away.  Who knows? 

The ONLY thing I know is that I am with someone who loves me unconditionally.  For exactly who I am.  And that one day, in time, I will find others who feel the same way about me.  This, more than anything, has allowed me to be stronger and happier. 

Even my coworkers and friends and family have commented on my cheerfulness today.

So I will just keep praying.  And living every day. 

Love,
Autumn

5 comments:

Memphis Steve said...

I don't have many answers, but I know that if you have found even one person who will love you unconditionally then you are doing better than most of us. I don't have that. I have never found that.

As for what to pray, often people find that when they pray for something such as the ability to forgive what they get is more hurts that require more forgiveness. It's like praying for stronger muscles and then waking up in an eternal gym where you have to work out all the time. It's not quite what you had in mind, but it will get you what you prayed for. I don't know that this is what will happen. I just know that prayer is something you have to be careful with. If you want help forgiving the people of the past, maybe specifically say that. I don't know. I don't have much room to give advice on this.

Anonymous said...

You never know who would want forgiveness..... but in the end, I pray for you and want the best for you.

ADW said...

Steve - that's exactly what I want

Anon - people who want forgiveness should ask for it. Maybe asking for it is harder than giving it. I've asked for it from others and it lifts a burden from my shoulders. But I only ask for it if I'm sincere about it......

Anonymous said...

I have an awesome grief book that really helped me when my mom died, among other things, if you wanna borrow it. It can be used for anything that is hurting you. It really breaks down a lot of things.

-KY

Anonymous said...

Forgiveness, REAL deep honest to goodness forgiveness is key. Naomi Levy "To Begin Again" is a good book to read at a time like this also. Peace.