Monday, July 16, 2012

Not Finding My Anger

I know that in the past I have sometimes presented myself as somewhat acerbic and sarcastic.  But deep down inside, I really am a kind and gentle person.  That's why this last month has been so hard on me.  I was hurt and let down by people that I deeply love and then somehow the blame was cast back onto me.

I sometimes think that if I had a "real" illness - one that people could see - that things would be different.  But I don't and they aren't.  If I had cancer or a broken leg or something that someone could look at and say "yes, I get it" that they would understand.  But what I have isn't visible unless you are watching me have a seizure.  And the medication issue was so bad that I didn't even appear to be my normal self. 

But instead of being there for me, some people just walked away.  Not just that, but devastated me with their cruelty and callousness.  I now know who really loves me and who was just using me.

Today I was told that I am angry.  But the truth is, I am not.  What I am is hurt that I could so misjudge some of the people in my life.  That I was tricked and lied to and used in a manner so that someone could gain something.  I was treated with disregard when I was at my lowest point and then someone took a hammer to me and shattered what little strength I had left.

No.  I am not angry.  I am broken.  I am hurting.  I am torn inside.  I am shaky and frustrated and utterly and completely distraught.  But I am strong.  When a glass breaks, you can always melt it down and reshape it into something stronger.  Something better and more beautiful than it was before it was broken.

I am looking for strength.  I am finding out how to heal and love myself and do things for me again.  Because I don't really want to find my anger.  I want to find my compassion.  I want to find my happiness and joy.  I want to breathe and not feel like I am inhaling glass every time I do so.

I have made a promise to myself, my family and my loved ones.  To get better.  And I will.  Every day brings to light new information that makes it a little bit easier to get through the day.

I have found solace and comfort in those that care the most about me.  I know that I am a kind, giving person who will do anything for someone that I love and I will not let this last mistake change that. 

I will smile and laugh again.  I will work hard at my career.  I will make new friends and eventually meet new people.  And I will still trust.  Because if I stop trusting and having faith then the evil that was in my life wins and I'm not going to let it win.



Avitable said...

I've never seen you as an angry person, just someone who has no problem standing up for her beliefs.

Anonymous said...

To be truly alive we MUST love, trust, forgive and have faith. These don't come as easily as we would like or as easily as we would think. It takes time and hard work to build these real treasures in our life. When they are broken our soul, spirit, entire being is broken. Heal yourself, love and trust will come again in time. I really hope and believe you will know it when the solid and true enter your life. Seek that and settle for nothing less. Value yourself and treasure these true gifts. Keep moving forward. Peace ADW.

sybil law said...

I think anger usually IS hurt, or fear.
I like that you're listening to your mind and body. You don't HAVE to go to any events. Rest up, and veg for a while.