Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I'm an Asshole-eo-eo-eo

This pretty much says it all for me:
(psssttttt - that is a link, right above here)


Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream.
About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down
in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the
cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle
area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the
colon, we don't know.

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.
I'm your average white suburbanite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war.
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.

My wife and my job, my kids and my car.
My feet on my table and a cuban cigar.

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
(oh no) no way (uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense
(oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,
While people behind me are going insane.

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)
I use public toilets and piss on the seat,
I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?"
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces,
While handicapped people make handicapped faces.
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong

I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado,
hot-fuckin'-pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big
brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in
that baby doing 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin' down
quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-
biodegradable styrofoam containers... yeah! And when I'm done suckin' down
those greaseball burgers I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the
side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why?
Because we got the bombs, that's why... yeah! Two words--nuclear fuckin'
weapons, OK? Russia, Czechoslovakia, Romania, they can have all the democracy
they want...they can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of
Tienamen Square and it won't make a lick of fuckin' difference, because we got
the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead--he's frozen! And when we find a cure for
cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You
know why? You ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million
times--that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and
John Casavetti and Sam Peckinpaw and a case of fuckin' whisky and drive...

(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an asshole?)

Why don't you shut up and sing the song, Chris. I thought I was the
asshole... all the time it was him... what an asshole!

I'm an asshole (I'm an asshole, he's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)
Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E
Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay
A-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom

I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it!

(Chris mouths: Asshole

Now everybody sing along, cuz guess what people? I am sick of being nice. Yeah I said it. Whatcha gonna do pahdner? Nothing that's what.

Today's asshole tribute goes out to the half-dicked willie waggers everywhere. You know who you are. You think you're real fuckin' cute dontca' mancunt? Well, all you are is a pussy with facial hair. I despise you and I hope your eenie weenie, shit I guess the next word should be weenie but that's not really flowy, weenie gets gangrene and falls off. You are lower than an old lady's tits that drag on the ground you piece of shit mouth breather. You drive up next to unsuspecting innocent gals like me and then BAM!!!!, like lightening you have that shriveled up, laughable change purse you call a penis out and start tugging on it like it's a balloon that needs prepped for blowing up. I overlooked it once, back when I was younger and a titch more tolerant. No more. The next person to look at me cross-eyed is getting the ADW one-two knock out where I knee you in the nuts and when your head automatically goes down, I finish you off with a knee to your stupid twat face.

Oh yeah and to the lady who took it upon herself to chastise me about a choice that I MADE: I hope you get rear-ended by a big butch lesbian wearing a 12" dildo strap on. Do not judge me. I reserve that right for myself.

Now if you will all excuse me, I am going to go up to my giant spa bath that takes approximately 100 gallons of water to fill up each time and when it gets cold I drain it and refill it, and soak for an hour while I drink a Rum and Coke that was prepared for me by my 3rd world imported 8 year old house slave. In her spare time, I have her make me Nikes. She has 3 years experience under her belt in the manufacturing of textiles and shoes. Upon alighting from my water wasting bath, I will use a mink pelt to dry off my body and then throw it away. I will use thousand dollar body cream that was made from the foreskins of endangered species and I will sleep on a bed that was hand carved by starving Pygmies from Ebony and is inlaid with 20 elephant tusks.

I sleep real good at night.


Miss Kitty said...

I hate those guys, too.

One night at the Janguar Lounge, a customer pulled his weenie out and dangled it at me. The daytime me would've screamed and run away, but I was NOT in the mood for any nonsense. I said, "NO! Put that thing up, unless you want to go home without it! PUT IT UP NOW!" I had NO more trouble out of *him.* :-P

Da Monkey Code said...

I never pull out the John Thomas. I may forget to put it back but at that point I'm probably lyin in a pool of my own piss face first.

As to where I've been... well there was finals. Where I got a B in International Micro Econ because I didn't expand on my paper enough, even though it was the maximum length allowed. Grrrr. Then there was ten days on a school trip in China. Shanghai is exactly as fun as they say it is. Mrs. DMC got to see me get propositioned by two hookers even. Then there was jet lag and a feeling like I didn't want to blog anymore.

Thats was until I read your drunken night at Shooters story and once again felt there were people I identified with on the web again. So thanks, you took me out of the real world and back to the intraweb.

fatwonkkid said...

wow sounds like you had a good day...

I took a bath too, but that was because showering is a bit difficult these days. What's real fun in the bath is making "bubbles". :) Enjoy your bath.

Tug said...

Holyhell girl, I hope I never piss you off.

is it wrong that I love to read the tirades though?

Go get 'em!!

El Guapo in DC said...

You think I'm kidding, but all you need is a nice Guatemalan man with a mustache who happens to live in DC.

Anonymous said...'re pretty?

Mim said...

Geez. I'm glad I'm on your good side. (hopefully? fingers crossed) I got scared and cowered beneath my desk for a good 10 minutes before I could find the strength to comment. I'd hate to see this wrath in person.

Marianne said...

Holy hell. You pissed about somethin'?

Avitable said...

I did that in college all the time.

Miss Britt said...

Well, you know it's cuz you're Hawt, right? ;-)

BottleBlonde said...

... a Rum and Coke that was prepared for me by my 3rd world imported 8 year old house slave.

From which third world country did you buy her, and how much did she cost? I could use a cheap Brazilian bikini wax.

Glamourpuss said...

Give up with the $1k foreskins-of-endangered-species cream. It's crap compared to the $2k clitorises-of-now-extinct-because-of-this -pointless-cream variety. Trust me.


Not a Granny said...

Hi...did you have a nice day? :)

Open Grove Claudia said...

JEEZ. I feel so left out. No one ever dangles their penis at me! (Well, I did see the naked neighbor, but that's a whole other thing.)

You think my patented flesh searing stare is the reason why?

themuttprincess said...

Being an asshole is one thing. Involving others in your asshole'd'ness is entirely different.

I could use some Nikes on the cheap so lemme know, k?

-Papa said...

Knee to the jewels then a knee to the face is always a good combo, but I still think you should carry some large scissors with you, so the next time that happens display the shears, then do the 2 knee combo.

The next time you see that slave of yours makin' Nike's, tell my aunt she still owes me 50 bucks. Lousy Ho still hasn't paid me back.

Mighty Dyckerson said...


(Excuse me.)


(I'm really sorry.)


(Beg your pardon.)


ADW said...

Kitty - good move

Monkey - Shooters = fun.. usually. Do you have pictures of the hookers?

Fatwonkkid - I hope your arm heals up soon.

Tug - You couldn't piss me off, your penis is figurative only.

El Guapo - I still miss you, please come back.

Dangerdoll - Don't be a scerred of me.

Mim - Think Incredible Hulk with great shoes. That's me when I'm pissed.

Marianne - Nope, not a thing. WHy do you ask?

Avi - I am not shocked.

Miss Britt - I really need to get down to Florida and meet you guys. Sigh.

BottleBlonde - I can't say. I don't really have a "slave". That would be illegal. Right?

Puss - I would think that rubbing clits all over my face would be stimulating.

Granny - Better Now.

Claudia - that's the middle child stare - right?

Mutt - I'll put you on the list.

Papa - I tried that and got arrested.

Dyck! - It was you - wasn't it?

Jenny! said...

He he he...even you can make me blush from your awesome language...your like my swear tutor! I heart the way!

George said...

Don't know whether I should laugh or cry ... been laughing too fucking hard at this one.

Did something itchy get into your knickers?

I loved the language ... I could almost see you spitting as you wrote this

Moi said...

I heart that song. Cracks me right up every time.

Can I place an order with your shoe making slave? Kids don't really need a lot of sleep and my feet are small.

Dan said...

Dennis Leary for President!

I can't believe you didn't read my post ... you thought it was about hiking?? But it wasn't really ... you never got to the punchline, which involved male members that were special. Yes!!

Beefcake Almighty said...


Someone else in this world who sees the true greatness behind Lord Denis Leary and this tome to the disgruntled!

ADW said...

jenny! - did you see my shocker pic? It was just for you.

Geroge - I got quite a bit of bile out on this one.

Moi - I love people with small feet.

Dan - I just get turned off by sweating.

Beefcake - yup, I love him. I remember singing that song when it came out and being mystified as to why I had never heard anything like it before.

Anonymous said...

what is THAT? what is with the penis dangling in a girls face?

silly men. silly, silly men.
they think we'll be impressed but really, it's gotta be the ugliest thing since I accidentally happened upon open knee surgery while channel surfing.

pleased to meetcha as well.

Diesel said...

But I can, um, still do it in the privacy of my own home, right?

Variant E said...

I've got to stop reading your blog from the childrens hospital...

Randy of the Redwoods said...

whatsa matta cupcake ya gotta bug upya butt? panties in a twist? best of luck with the alcohol.

Sgt said...

See, this is why people should carry tasers. I'm guessing a few of these pervs get tazed in the junk, they'll probably think twice about it next time. That and you won't need to burn your leg to cleanse it after the ADW 1,2 punch!

Lucy said...

Wow! Denis Leary! You're a comedy fan already! That means you should stop by my corner of the blogosphere!

I'm a standup comedienne blogging her way to stardom. Drop by and leave a comment.

Nice job with the Leary reference!!

BottleBlonde said...

Uh, illegal. Right.

[moving quickly to hide the team of illegal midgets I smuggled in from Mexico]

ADW said...

Betty Boob Hug - Blech. No one wants to see a nasty flaccid penis. Ever.

Diesel - I am almost positive that you are already "doing it" in the privacy of your home.

Vehow - I keep trying to get fired, but it's not working. The kids love me.

Randy - Uh, okay? Thanks?

Sgt - I have my taser set to MAIM.

Lucy - thanks for the visit.

BottleBlonde- Yeah. Illegal. I would never do that.

Open Grove Claudia said...

So I was jogging down the 16th St. mall yesterday (dropping off a couple jars of honey to a friend) when I realized why I don't get to see dangling penises.

I'm taller than most people. At 5'10" I'd hurt my neck to look down at all the tiny little pieces of work at least 2 feet below me. Go figure.

Flesh searing stare is only one of the cadre of tools of the middle child.

GoteeMan said...

Holy crap! Stumbed back by here again, and was delighted to see the Dennis Leary song. Hilarious.

I definitely would not want to piss you off. Please put down the butcher knife and step away from the artillery.... LOL (nervously)


metalmom said...

Did you know that I take swearing lessons from you? When I had my little 'accident' the other night, I let loose some ADW Classics and Hubs said "Where the hell'd you learn that?"

I hope you're in a better mood today and don't run into any assholes this weekend!

ADW said...

Claudia - You are lucky. But I am 5'10" + in heels and I can see small dicks just fine (=

goteeman - I don't use knives, just my bare hands. But hopefully you come back again.

MetalMom - Just wait, I have a doozy for y'all.

B.W. said...

odd as it sounds, I landed here, and I get it. Nice song.