Friday, January 16, 2009

Complete and Utter Frustration


Honestly, it seems like all I do these days is bitch and complain and moan without imparting a whole lot of information on why I am really upset.  I kind of feel like this blog is a waste of time.  I don't really have a whole lot of time to focus on writing anymore and it has always been such a big outlet to me.  I am not a good blogger because I haven't been commenting, even though I do still read a lot of the blogs I always read before.  So I am trying to figure out if I should even try to keep the blog.  

It's not that I don't want to write, I do.  But my focus has been so pulled lately that it is making me nuts.  I don't like doing anything half-assed and it feels like that's what has been posted up here for the last year.

Plus, well, the personal life ain't so great.  I am constantly feeling alone in a house full of people.  It's hard to explain and I have been hanging on for so long that I am this giant, nuclear melt-down type of breaking point.  I try to explain it to friends and family but they honestly don't get it.  You can't when you aren't in someone else's life 24/7.  

There was a major ultimatum given in my house 2 months ago and while on the surface things have changed, underneath it is the same old shit.  The crazy thing is that I have such a low threshold for bullshit and drama in my personal life that I can not believe that things have gotten as bad as they are.  

So now, in two weeks, we have the ultimate showdown.  I didn't want to do it.  I really didn't, but my hand was forced.  I wanted the other person to take some responsibility and take the next step.  But they are satisfied with the status quo and don't want anything to rock their happy little boat.  God forfuckingbid that your life changes so mine can get better.  If this last thing doesn't work, my life is going to get even more complex.  And maybe I am being lazy too. Instead of trying to make it better for me, I am just making everyone else around me miserable.  

I don't want to be that bitter, unhappy person that I knew the whole time I was growing up.  I'd rather be alone.

I don't believe in love anymore.  Not the kind that lasts.  Not a legacy for the following generations.  I've never had that.  Things that I have so badly wanted out of life just never seemed to appear.  And maybe I should be happy with what I have.  But I am not the type to settle.  

Things could be worse.

That makes me sad that I think that way.  

So I keep see-sawing back and forth knowing that if I am forced to make a decision on my own mental health and happiness, I am going to hurt someone that I still care about.  Someone I wanted so badly to be a life partner and not a roommate in a house where we share a mortgage.  I just feel like breaking down and crying and I don't cry.  I hate that emotional outlet because it drains me and really doesn't take care of or fix any of my problems.

I don't want to hurt anymore.  I don't want to be hurt anymore.  Nothing is giving.

I feel like the biggest loser in the world.  Why can't I make things work?  Why can't I just be happy with things the way they are?  Why do I always want and need more out of life?  Fulfillment?  Peace and serenity?  A clear path?

I can't answer these questions for myself, so I am going to go to someone else for help.  Uh, I'm not so good on relying on other people's opinions... trained or not.  And it's almost for me like my mind is made up.  Can I really do this?  I don't know.  I don't know anything right now.

So I will try to not be that compulsive crazy person that I normally am and just TRY.  



Mighty Dyckerson said...

Geez, stop being such a Debbie Downer. No wonder your husband hates you. But hell, I'd still do you.

Avitable said...

You know that you can talk to me anytime, too. And don't blame yourself - a relationship takes two people.

Kim Ayres said...

The only way a deep long term relationship can last is if both parties have a shared vision of where they want to go, and they keep renewing that vision together. Constant touching base, and refusing to become complacent.

But in order for that to happen, both parties need to realise it is what needs to happen.


Tug said...

Sorry this is happening to you...((hugs)). You've got to do what is right for YOU, or you can't be there for anyone else. You are NOT a loser; shit happens. Sucks big when it does, but it does. Look out for you, take care of you...and know that we're here.

I wish you much luck that you find your happiness!

metalmom said...

Baby, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Adam is takes two. You are no good to anyone if you aren't happy with yourself and it's too exhausting to just wear a mask.

Good luck with whatever decision you go with. ((hugs))

ADW said...

Dyck - Piss off. You know Debbie turns you on!

Avi - thanks baby doll. It's friends like you that help me through this.

Kim - ((kisses))

Tug - Thanks darling

Metalmom - You are so awesome. Thanks for everything.

sybil law said...

I am in a remarkably similar predicament myself these days. Good luck to us both!!!