Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Heartbroken

I have been so incredibly sad lately.  Sad and heartbroken.  In a world where I consider myself a fighter.  A big, bad ass, spit in your face as soon as look at you fighter.  And I have no fight left in me.  I am empty inside.  

It's so very difficult to explain to someone what that means.  But when you are someone like me, you tend to have an on/off switch.  When I was younger, that switch got flipped a lot more.  Now with age and experience, I have been able to keep that switch on.  Even when everything in me was screaming to turn the it off and shut the door.  To walk away and not look back.  I have kept the switch turned on.  The light bulbs were mostly burnt out, but that didn't stop me from believing that they would turn on again.  Now...... well now I think it's time to walk away.  Because I can't keep the lights on all by myself.  And I am sick to death of trying.  If being put into the position where I am a bad - fill in the blank - if I don't keep at it.  If I don't do everything possible, I will regret it.

Guess what people?  I am not a saint.  Not even close to one.  In fact, I am the opposite side of the saintly spectrum.  I would never intentionally hurt another person, but god damn am I sick of walking around on eggshells and biting my tongue.  What about my feelings?  You know, I do have feelings.  I guess I have been so good at building walls that other people forget that I am a mere human with human emotions.  And then I get hurt and I shut down.  The switch flips and I am D-O-N-E done.

The last couple of days have been so emotionally draining for me and I feel like pulling my hair out.  That or sticking my head in an oven until I look like a crazy Helena Bonham Carter character.  I don't really think it's fair that as a woman I am automatically judged by two standards.  How good a mother I am and how good a wife I am.  That's not fair.  Especially since I work in a highly professional world where I am not only at the top of my game, but I am very respected within the market I work.  I have busted my ass for the last seven years to make sure that I got where I have and I don't appreciate that being brushed aside because other people think I have to fit into a mommy mold.  

Don't get me wrong, the greatest joy in my life are my two children and the fact that I have managed to raise very wonderful kids.  But it pisses me the fuck off that I am first judged by those two standards and that I am being made to feel like a failure because one of them isn't doing so well.  Again.

I am so over trying to live up to other people's expectations of me - including my family's.  I love them, but they can be very judgmental even though they try not to be.  I can't stay in a situation that makes me so unhappy.  Not for me, not for my children, not for anyone.  And the biggest problem is that I am going to end up hurting someone that I truly love.  But loving someone and being able to be with them are two different things and I am now starting to recognize that.  I am now beginning to understand that I shouldn't have to be hurt over and over again by someone who should cherish me.  And before you start the lynching, let me just say that it doesn't meant that they are a bad person, because they are the opposite of that.  But I just can't live like this anymore.

I don't care if anyone reads this.  Or my blog anymore for that fact.  I am going back to what I originally set this up for and that is an outlet for my emotions.  Good, bad or ugly this is the place where it's all going to come out, so hold on to your cocks.... it's gonna be a bumpy ride.


9 comments:

George said...

You aren't a good mommy or a good wifey in my opinion all that matters is that you are a good person. You are willing to take the short term pain for the long term gain, not just for you but for your family, including your husband because it is porbably just as tough on him.

I went through the same thing 5 years ago that you have now and it hurt like a slap in the belly with a wet fish but in the long term, we are all happier, including the x.

Have faith that what you choose to do is the right thing.

xox

nudeman40 said...

If you don't take care of yourself, nobody else will. Do what you have to to make you happy. That is your job. Well that and the kids... Good luck. I did that many years ago and it was hard. But now I am with a great woman and happy. My kids are happy for me also. I feel bad for them as they still have to put up with her. She was a nice person to everyone else but her family. Fuck that. I won't take being treated like a second class citizen ever again. Neither should you.

Anonymous said...

That really sucks. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
Isn't it funny that when your child(ren) are doing great, grow up to be wonderful adults, there are so many other people there with you to share the joy and pride, and act as though they all had an equal hand in it? But, during the hard times, or if a child is a huge mess when they hit adulthood, those same people tend to step waaay back & shake their heads sadly at you for the failures that YOU obviously laid upon that child?
Unfair.
Ame I. in TN

metalmom said...

You are a good mom and provider. You deserve to be appreciated for all of your efforts. You have made sacrifices all along the way.But if you are unhappy, then it is time to make a change. An unhappy mom has unhappy kids. So do what you need to to do.

You are good enough,you are smart enough, and goshdarnit, you can kick ass when you want to!

Good luck,honey. XO

Tug said...

I agree with everyone else that said you have to take care of YOU...your kids will be much happier in the long run if you are.

((hugs)), much luck, many prayers for you!

Avitable said...

I don't judge you in any other way except the quality of your ass.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and acknowledge your pain. We don't know each other "in real life", but I have both sympathy and empathy for you, and want you to know that you're not alone. Sending lots of good thoughts your way. :(

sybil law said...

Anyone who judges really has no right to, anyway. Fuck them!
Best of luck. I seriously know what you're going through, or at least something similar!

Kim Ayres said...

((Hugs))