Monday, May 23, 2011

It's Never Too Late to Start Over

In the last few years, my life has had more changes than I ever expected. If someone had told me when I started this blog that at thirty-three years old I would be single and unemployed, I would have bitch slapped them, but here I am anyway.

I have made some poor decisions in my life. I have alienated friends and family. I have gone on medication, gone off of medication, gone back on medication and switched medication more times than a Hollywood starlet changes lovers. I have battled through some serious health issues. I have strained against the chains that I felt were binding me until they were broken. I have added to my own suffering by burrowing in my nest and shutting out the world. I stopped writing. I stopped taking the joy that life has always handed to me.

Now I recognize that it is time for me to wake up. To grow up and move forward. I need to dig myself out of this hole of seclusion and delusion that I have been living in and embrace life again. Because I once enjoyed the world. For all the wrongs and negatives that there are out there, there is so much more that is right and good.

I have friends and family who love me. I have things to offer to others. I have a full life to live and I can't do that while curled up in the fetal position with my sheets pulled over my head, refusing to do more than the basic necessities in order to survive.

I have completely changed my life recently. And you know what? I am happier than I can ever remember being. Sure I have moments, a lot of moments (let's be honest here), filled with doubt and self-loathing. But I have recognized my life for what it has become and I am making changes. Most people would probably fall into an even deeper depression to wake up one morning and realize that they no longer have a job or a relationship. But me? I am thrilled.

I can now make my life anything I want it to be. It's kind of like spending during a recession. It doesn't make sense, but somehow it works economically. I don't want to save my joys for a rainy day. I don't want to hoard a chance at happiness for the future. My chance is right now, in this time and place, to do what I want, when I want it.

I am going for the brass ring. That ever elusive symbol of wholeness that seems so far out of reach. It's not though. I can see it. It's right in front of me. I don't know what it represents to me - YET. All I know is that it is just sitting there, waiting for me to grab on tight and never let go.

My world is filled with limitless opportunities. I can be anyone, I can do anything and I can and will take my time, explore my options and not only make the best of my situation, but I will make life my bitch. I spit in the direction of haters and detractors. I laugh in the face of uncertainty. And last but not least, I take heart that I have people out there who care for and love me the way that I deserve.

I am Autumn and I am happy.


sybil law said...

Damn straight!! You CAN. :)

Avitable said...

Love you - so happy for you!

wafelenbak said...

I'm sorry for the reasons you are back in the blogosphere, but happy you are back in the blogosphere. :)

Anonymous said...

Wow, I checked your blog on a whim. I thought you were long gone. I love reading what you write. I deleted ny blog, which you inspired me to write. I'm so happy you're back, in more ways than one. Marky