Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My New Husband

People, I have decided.  After all of the stress and heartbreak and emotional roller coasters that I have endured in my life, I am finally getting married again.  To the most wonderful being on the planet.  Of course, until everyone has the ability to marry, it will have to be a civil union.  Not because we are gay, but because he is a cat.

That's right.  You heard me.  A cat.  A wonderful, glorious feline named Butter.  He is an orange tabby and looks like the fat version of Puss in Boots.  He has all of the qualities that I want in a man.

  • He leaves me alone when I want to be left alone.
  • He cuddles with me when I am sad.
  • He is very clean with wonderful personal hygiene.
  • He doesn't argue with me, talk back, or tell me that I am wrong.  EVER!
  • He is housebroken - so no peeing on the floor - which is more than I can say about some men!!!!!!
  • I don't have to support him, put him through college, treat him like a child or fulfill any sick sex fantasies.
  • In fact, I don't have to have sex with him at all.
  • I can bitch about my day without him interrupting me or trying to one up me with how bad HIS day was.
  • He doesn't leave poop stains on my bed.
  • He doesn't lie to me.
  • He makes me laugh.
  • He might be smarter than I am.
  • He is a ninja assassin.
  • He can ride a motorcycle.
  • He punches dogs in their faces.  For reals yo!
  • He likes all of the same music, movies and TV shows that I like and never, ever complains that he wants to watch something else.
  • He doesn't hog the remote control.
  • I can leave him for days at a time without having to worry about him.
  • He doesn't call, text or otherwise hound me during the day.
  • I can go out with my friends without him getting jealous.
  • I have never caught him masturbating with my underwear.
  • He has never stolen my underwear.
And most importantly - he loves me without reservation or fail.

So, until I can find a human man like Butter, I am sticking with him.

Love you,



wafelenbak said...

I love, love, love my baby girl kitties. Gentlemen? Step off.

sybil law said...

A -fucking -men!