Monday, August 1, 2011

Random Thoughts From the Drive In

Last night some I went to the local Drive In with my family and some great friends.  I hadn't been in years even though my city has one of the last remaining drive ins in the country.  I think there are less than 200 left.  After approximately 20 seconds, I remembered the million reasons why, like Wal Mart, I usually stay away from the Drive In Theater.

  1. It makes me feel strangely good about myself - to the detriment of others in attendance.  I mean I have teeth, so right there I am a leg up on everyone else.
  2. I once got caught having sex there in a Geo Metro hatchback.  I was 17 and ended up marrying the guy, but I am always afraid that someone working there is going to point at me and say "Hey remember that chick!  We busted her en flagrante delicto with a gearshift wedged in her ear.  Although she was a lot hotter at 17."  I shudder.
  3. It's basically located at the edge of a swamp, so you are continuously barraged with giant blood-sucking mosquitos that are immune to all types of bug spray.  The city once bombed them with Agent Orange and all that did was piss them off, so I always walk away with about a pint less of O Positive than I had earlier in the night.
  4. The people who built the Drive In, which I think was back when they called movies "talkies", did so in a very interesting location.  Right next to railroad tracks.  And the railroad is still alive and well.  At least in my city.  Because a train goes by like every ten minutes.
  5. The bathrooms smell like cat piss.  Really.  It's worse than the gift shop at Hemingway's house of six-toed cats in Key West.  I think the urine has aged over time to a point where it is so pervasive, if you stay in the bathroom for more than a minute, you will die of asphyxiation.
  6. Hillbillies.
  7. The Drive In turns into a flea market on Sunday Mornings and I am always fearful that one of my kids will accidentally step on a hypodermic needle from some crack-head selling used McDonalds Happy Meal toys.
  8. I end up eating the most disgusting things from the snack bar.  And then I spend Monday mornings sicking it all back up.
  9. You don't have to bring your own chairs and blankets to a real movie theater.
  10. I end up getting hit on by some freak, weirdo, pot-head who is there with his baby-mama and their 8 kids.  Really?  You are going to treat me like a princess?  Which one?  Princess Trashy McTrailerPark?

I guess now that I have trashed the Drive In, I should say something nice about it.  The only problem is, I really don't have anything nice to say.  And let's be honest.  If I went by that little gem about not saying anything if you have nothing nice to say, then I would have nothing to write about.

The only positive thing that I can really impart is that it's fun for the kids.  They really seem to enjoy being devoured by pigeon sized bugs, don't mind the constant noise from the trains and ignore the rest of the crap.  And the adults have fun chatting and laughing with each other.  

And when next year rolls around, I will conveniently forget all of the reasons why I don't go and will load up my car with chairs, blankets and illegal snack foods and go back.  Because?  It's tradition.  

Well, tradition and good material for writing.



sybil law said...

See, and here I miss the drive in. There's one a good drive away, and one USED to be right down the road, less than 5 minutes away, but they closed that one like, 3 years ago. Now it's a luxury dog spa/ resort.
Anyway, of course all my memories are of being at the drive-in in high school (beer bongs yes!), or as a kid. I once cried because we went to see Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band - I guess I was the only one who liked it. Even funnier, I sometimes see Peter Frampton (who was in that awful movie) at our P.F Chang's.
Damn, I can babble.

Memphis Steve said...

They burned down the drive-in in my hometown. Now it's a shopping center. Yours sounds a hell of a lot more interesting than the one we had, though, what with the trains, swamp mosquitos, hillbillies and hot 17-year-old girls getting it on.

Anonymous said...

Part of that is hot, part of it is not.....

Effortlessly Average said...

I dunno, I have pretty fond memories of the drive-in. One of the remaining 200 is pretty close to my house and while it's certainly not going to win any awards for class, it's always fun to bring the kids out, bbq a few burgers and/or steaks (depending on the economy), then watch a couple movies that'll see the kids out cold before the credits roll at the end of the second feature.

And hey, who DIDN'T get caught having sex in a drive-in at some point? It was a standard thing in my home town. heh.

Effortlessly Average said...

comments sign-up posting. :-)

Anonymous said...

More tales of woe please....pretty please....

Dr Zibbs said...

I miss my Drive-In. In the Exton drive-in in PA. Went there all the time when I was in high school.