Sunday, March 23, 2008

Easter Blah Blah

I am sad. Again. I feel like a broken record. Some days I just feel broken. But it's Easter. And my family IS NOT here. And I miss them. A lot!!

I know that I keep saying this, but I have a shitstorm of stuff in my life right now and there is no end in sight. And it seems like every time I rise professionally (which I have and will tell you about soon!!!!!), my personal life takes another hit. Maybe it's because I am less inclined to put up with bullshit, the busier I get. Maybe it's because I am older. Maybe I am a stone hearted, razor-jawed bitch, but there it is.

So here I can say everything I want to say. And right now, the most important thing for me to say is:

I am unhappy.

Deep down, black hole, no end in sight unhappy. I should be happy. I know I should. But I am contrary that way. I never do as I should. I don't follow the rules. And I am unhappy.

I have made it well known in my life how very unhappy I am. I have asked for things to ease that ache inside and I get nothing. Well, I got to go see Wicked. Woo Hoooooo! That helped ever so much. Sarcasm? Why yes, thank you for asking.

So I am setting out to make myself happy. And if that means some major changes in my life.... well so be it. Because I can't rely on anyone else to love me the most. I am the only one who can do that. It hurts quite a bit to announce that to the world. But it also feels right saying it. I am sick of giving to everyone around me without at least getting any appreciation for the sacrifices that I make. I am tired of being the one who holds it all together because I am the only one who cares. Talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. Two often used phrases that never lose their meaning for me. I try to let the people in my life know how much they mean to me and I swear to the Almighty that maybe someone could appreciate me for once.

Or take care of ME. That would be great. Someone who actually devoted some time to seeing to my needs without ULTIMATELY trying to ensure that their needs are met at the same time. I am the definition of sacrifice. I have worked so very hard for a very long time now (over half of my life) and I have always done so for the benefit of other people. I know it sounds selfish, but the last time I checked, I was a person too. So what about me?

Oh and to all of those people out there who say that you are no longer a person when you become a mother.... You can go suck a dick! I hope you choke on it. I AM a person with needs and wants and feeling and dreams. Ha! Dreams!! I haven't believed in dreams for longer than I care to admit. Mine died a long time ago along with my childhood.

Fuck! Bitter? Table for One?

Rambling, incoherent thoughts are apparently the M.O. for the day, but I could give a fuck. My blog. My words.

On a lighter note, I am going on a trip where I get to meet some of my favoritests bloggers EVAH!! Care to take a guess?

Fuck you Ohio snow..... it'll be quite sunny very soon. Gotta love Continental direct flights.....

13 comments:

Chuck said...

Ooh, you're coming it Illinois? LOL Just kidding. The snow is just as fucking shitty here.

Sorry you are so down, ADW. I hope things turn around for you soon. You ARE a caring person and deserve the love and respect that should go along with that. Unfortunately, it seems like all the mean people get all the love and nice people get the shaft.

I hope that bitch karma gives you some lovin' soon!!

Chuck

Avitable said...

Things will get better. Especially when you're in that sunny location with your favorite bloggers. :D

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Sounds like you need some Dyck in your life. Come to daddy!!!

marky said...

I highly recommend The Four Seasons in Wailea.

Tug said...

Moms are people, too, and deserve to be treated WELL. Take care of YOU ADW...the rest of them will be just fine fending for themselves - may even do them good & teach them to appreciate you more.

You're going to Tequilacon? HAVE FUN!

nudeman40 said...

Sounds like you need some medication. Like some Booze and BLOGGERS... I hope you are going to Tequilacon. We love you lady... I would treat you like a Queen...

lspoon said...

I love you...really love you. And I miss you :) I hope it all starts to get better soon b/c I miss the crazy antics and stories :)

Jeannie said...

I am always sad too. I am beginning to wonder if deep down, everyone is sad. Or perhaps there are some of us doomed to feel unhappy because we are what used to be known as "melancholics". Like maybe we are lacking some essential nutrient. It's not really your life or mine. It's not that we are unappreciated (believe it or not) Don't go hunting for happiness, you won't find it "out there".

VE said...

Suck it up and get back to us. I'll have none of this touchy feely stuff. Just kidding. Do what makes you happy...

Not a Granny said...

Are you coming to sunny Florida?!?!?!

Jake Titus said...

Sorry all is not well. I can relate. I hope that all works out for you.
jake

metalmom said...

You have to tell where you are going! Is it Florida? Is it TequilaCon08? I'd love to meet you and tell you that you're loved!

RWA said...

Good for you. If you don't look out for yourself, no one else will.

Hope you enjoy your trip.