Monday, September 1, 2008

A Month and a Half

NOTE - I had this all typed out and almost deleted it.  The reason that I went ahead and posted it was so I had a record that I could look back on to remind myself how much I really want to make this change.  Or as I like to call it "there's no going back now bitch."

I can't believe that I haven't posted for so long.  Holy shitballs!!!  I thought, "hmm, the world can live without me for a week or two."  Yeah, it looks like you guys have been rolling along for much longer than that.

Without a peep?  Fuckers.

So, here is a little synopsis of what went on for half of the summer:

  • Went camping and canoeing down a river
  • Created the phenomenon that is Mohican River Hooch - recipe to follow sometime soon
  • Went camping again
  • Went to Austin, got boatsick
  • Went canoeing again, made a stronger batch of Hooch, took a shit in the woods and covered it up with diaper wipes, fell out of my canoe and slept for 18 hours straight
  • Figured out that hangover recovery is much more difficult in my thirties
  • Came to the conclusion that I need a severe lifestyle change
  • Tried to strengthen my marital relationship - we are making big strides
  • Realized that my husband takes really good care of me when I have a little too much Hooch
  • Took a 3:00 AM trip to WalMart and realized that the freaks really do come out at night
  • Gained about 10 pounds
  • Instituted a self-imposed shopping moratorium which lasted for two months
  • Yes, that means no new shoes either
  • Got the DT's and realized that the first step is admitting that I have a problem
  • I am addicted to shoes
  • Spent time with my kids
  • Had a kick ass Fourth of July Party in June
  • Spent a lot of time outside
  • Did not dance on a bar
  • Not once
  • Realized that if you are unhappy in life, YOU are the only person who can change that
  • With the support of your family of course
  • Started Kickboxing again
  • Threatened to cut off my instructor's balls with an X-acto knife
There is a whole shitload of other stuff that went on, including a lot more travel, but who really cares?

I am honestly tired.  I now understand that what I am tired of is the direction my life is taking and we are working on a plan to change that.  I know that everyone says that you are never too old to make a change, but in doing the math, I have found out that the wheels of change need to be set in motion soon or it really will be too late for me.

However, now that I know that I have my husband's support in this, we are going to start taking those steps.  I have never loved what I do as a profession.  It was something that I sort of fell into and have done very well, but I have no passion for it.  My real passion lies in another direction, but in order for me to move in that direction, I need to have a solid plan in place before I make one single move which is so totally not in my nature.  I am more of a look before you leap kind of person.  I see something I want and I go after it.  But I guess with age comes wisdom or some such horseshit, so we are now taking a step back to see if this change is even feasible at this point in our lives.

I will tell you all that this need has been in me for over a decade.  In fact, were it not for my divorce, I would have already accomplished this goal and I was well on my way over a decade ago.  Since then, I have sucked it up and done what was necessary to support not only myself, but my family.  But that ultimate desire has never wavered.  It has been put on a shelf and I have taken it down at least twice a year and played with it.  But every time I do, I swallow that desire and place it back on the shelf to gather dust for another six months.  Now, I know that when a person has something that they have wanted, no yearned for, for over ten years that you will never be truly happy until you do something about it.

At this point in time, I am not going into specifics because I still don't know if we can make the changes in our lives that it would take to move forward.  And I am really scared about that.  Because I really, really want to make those changes.  It would mean not only completely turning our lives upside down, but it would also be a very long trip.  One that would see my oldest child into high school and my youngest into grade school.  Our whole family would need to make adjustments in order to compensate my goals and it is extremely difficult to ask them to do that.  Of course I could keep putting it off, but it would never happen that way and I am even more afraid that it would then fester inside of me and breed resentment.  As a parent, it is important to always think of your family and what is best for them.

So, I am all tangled up in knots about what to do.  We have discussed these steps before, but this is actually the first time that we have really started creating a plan to take the steps.  And I am so scared that if we go forward and make a misstep that I will ruin lives in the process...

So here I am doing what I do best and rambling on about something that I can't really talk about in direct terms yet.  And while the flow of words helps, it really doesn't allow me to make any concrete conclusions other than the fact that I am really freaking tired and should probably go to bed right now.


Onknees (not_onknees at the moment) said...

Hey, I wish I even HAD a partner to help me consider and plan a life move....Do it while you can.....Even with support its scary..

Avitable said...

I know that if you put your mind to it, it will happen.

But if this fucks with you coming down to my party, I'm gonna cut you.

Anonymous said...

Do it! I think you'll be better off going through with it even if you take some missteps here and there as opposed to not doing anything and regretting it and being unhappy. :)

And can I come spend next summer with you? B/c of all that sounded awesome!

Chuck said...

If you can stick to the plan to make this happen, I'm confident that you will be successful. If you wait it will be another 10 years of unhappy/unfulfillment and that is just a waste. If you at least try, even if it doesn't succeed, sometimes that is enough to take the edge off. It can allow you to regroup and learn from your mistakes so when you try again, you'll get further.

I truly wish you the best of luck. Don't stay away for so long next time.


P.S. What's up with a post without any creative/new swear words?

fatwonkkid said...

Unless you lived under a rock during the summer, you are aware of the Batman movie. Do what Harvey Dent does and flip a coin to make your decision for you.

metalmom said...

You can do it. Kids are resilliant. They can bounce through almost anything. We moved my son during junior year of high school and he will swear that it was the best thing we ever did for him, so don't let that hold you back.Please don't look back with regrets.

We're here for ya. It's nice to know that you didn't fall off the face of the earth!

Miss Britt said...

Is this the part where we get to guess?

You totally want us to guess, right?

OK, I'll guess.

I'm going to guess it involves going back to school.

Poppy said...

ADW! Yay! Hi!

Best of luck with moving toward what makes you happy. One step at a time, one day at a time, and all that. You'll be there in no time. :)

ADW said...

Onknees - I know, I am freaking out

Avi - Please don't cut me.... I have to talk to you about the party

Lspoon - Please come visit me

Chuck - Thanks babe. I appreciate it.

Fatwonkkid - Who is this Harvey Dent and what is a batman?

Metalmom - I know. I have missed you guys.

Britty-poo - No guessing. It's very complicated right now.

Poppy - One day at a time is great, but I have to plan for at least the next three years, so it's a little overwhelming.

themuttprincess said...

I have faith in you. You are very smart and have support. Do what you NEED to do for yourself.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I'm glad I came here. I'd given you up for gone.

Good luck with your new direction.

Boy, you sure do know how to spend a summer.

Effortlessly Average said...

You gained ten pounds? Does that mean you finally got that boob job?

Memphis Steve said...

I know how you feel, even if I don't know what it is that you feel it about. I have missed you on the blog, but its good to hear that you had a great summer. I'm glad you're back. If you need this change and your family is behind you in it then you need to go for it. If you try and fail even, at least you gave it your best shot. And if you succeed then you'll be where you belong and hopefully be happier. But don't stop being a smartass, OK? That would suck 'cause you're damn funny.

Miss Kitty said...

Hang in there, ADW. You can do it! I'm looking at big life changes, too.

sybil law said...

Hi! I've seen your name for so long but this is my first time stopping by! I saw your comment over at Britt's today and loved it - I agree with it completely, so anyway.... Hi. :)
Also, i know what you mean about the big life changes. I really would like to be doing one thing, and know that so much would have to change or shifted around in order for me to take that step... Ugh. hurts my head to think about!
I wish you the very best, though!

Peggy said...

remember that old saying.... "you miss 100% of the shots you dont take". If you can do it, do it.

paulette said...

Missed you while you were gone. I say "go for it" is too short and it's up to us to make us happy.