Friday, July 11, 2008

It....Oh....My....Help.....

..roll down the window! 

That is what my husband screamed at me the other day while driving home from dinner.

Sometimes my farts stink.  What's a girl to do?

It's weird really, my ass talents.  

  • I can clear out an entire room without a sound
  • I know what a dutch oven is and I am not afraid to use it in the bedroom to get my way.  "Honey, let's paint the dining room this weekend.  No?  I bet this will change your mind!"  Pffffttttt!  
  • I used to crop dust exceptionally douchy customers by walking around the bar to ostensibly pick up empties and the like.
  • I have won a farting contest where the other competitor was a large Labrador retriever.
  • I do not need to employ the "mom stare" to keep my kids in line.  I just tell them that my belly hurts and I roll up the windows and set the child lock to "on."
  • I am able to hold in my gas, sometimes for over an hour, until an opportune time presents itself for the use of my noxious fumes.
The power of the stank ass is a verifiable truth.  Just remember that it will sometimes backfire on you.  

Ha, ha.  Backfire.  I didn't do that on purpose, but I had to leave it in.

Those of you out there who are thinking that they can harness their inner stank, please don't.  This isn't something that the untested can use at their whimsy.  You will more than likely end up shitting your pants.  My special skills have been handed down from my father's side of the family for at least two centuries.  I am almost positive that it is from all of the kraut eating, beer swilling Teutons that run rampant through my genetic code.  

BUT, if you feel the urgent need to give your husband a dutch oven one night, make sure that he is asleep first.  

Oh, and make sure that you are a good enough actor that you can pretend that you were sleeping through it as well.

25 comments:

Tug said...

LOL. The 'old' ADW...how are you feeling? Good to see the sense of humor kicking it up again!

ADW said...

Tug - Meh. I'm OK. I just needed to have a little release. Ha.

Avitable said...

Girls don't fart.

ADW said...

Avi - I am not a girl

Avitable said...

Yes you are!

lspoon said...

Haha! Last night I kept yelling to my husband in the other room that my farts were rank. And I don't think he believed me until I let one loose in his game room later on. I don't think there's a better way to get a man's attention :)

ADW said...

Avi - fuck you! You have not seen my vagina. However, I will be happy to T-bag you the next time a ride my broomstick to the land of Or.

Lspoon - The funny thing is, I think my husband likes to tell people about them. It's like he's proud of them or something.

Avitable said...

Oh yeah - meant to tell you. Went to Hooters for lunch for the first time ever!

ADW said...

Avi - Holy blog fodder batman. Honestly. If you want, I will mail you one of my old uniforms and you can dress up!!!

Avitable said...

Now that would be hilarious!

Not a Granny said...

My farts are all air, but very noisy!!! Sounds like a trombone most days!

ADW said...

avi - your ball hair trailing out the sides... Hell, those shorts are so short that your balls will be hanging out the sides too.

Not a granny - the louder they are, the less they usually smell.

metalmom said...

Now that I have a pup, I get to blame him!

ADW said...

MM - it's easy to blame the dogs, but that too can have adverse affects. If your husband decides that the dog is sick and takes them to the vet for testing... well it can get costly.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

OMG, I just wrote a post about this very topic, and I hadn't even read yours! It's like we're soul mates!

Pull my finger!

Maven said...

I totally can relate to this post. One night while both my husband and I were asleep, a "silent but deadly" had crept its way out of my body and was so potent it woke my husband, who then woke me up to yell at me (as if I had anything to do with what my body does after I'm asleep?).

GOOD TIMES.

Maven said...

PS:

I think if you send Avi your old uniforms, I think it should be mandatory that he photo blogs the experience. Hell, I'll pay for the hotwings!

JMEPED said...

I'm trying to hold it in as I read this! Hope you don't mind, I found you via the dyke and was wondering if you liked working at hooters. I was thinking of getting a job, a girl could use some extra cash lately.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Yuck.

Fu Manchu Dad said...

Make no mistake, we men ARE proud of our wive's abilities in that department. Just depends on the wife how much we can admit it.
Tip: Boiled or deviled eggs and beer. In case you hadn't stumbled across that lethal combo yet.

FMD

Moe Wanchuk said...

Wow....that turned me on...you sexy soccer mom!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

As long as you don't accidentally shart. That's the real importnat thing here.

bzbubba said...

OMG girlfriend! I sooo luv the dutch oven, especially when its a week before aunt flo makes her monthly visit:) I am all about the car bombs too! If you catch me driving and I'm giggling for no apparent reason.....its too late...i have pushed the button on the lock windows and unless your the driver your get a stink bomb your way:) tehehhee

just a girl... said...

Freaking hilarious. I am adding you to my roll. OH and yes I love pink too.

hot air said...

so....ya still sailing along on top of the world, hot job, drinkin it up, fiesty...reality bites