Monday, February 15, 2010

Where I Find the End of the Rainbow - Killing Someone

Holy shit! I just realized that writing is such a great outlet for aggression. Especially when you get to kill people. In a book or a short story or whatever.

*Evil Cackle*

I might totally suck at this, but I HAVE to try. It is like a siren's song in my blood. Urging me onward. Everything in the universe is pointing towards this. All of the support from my loved ones says it is the time to take the next step towards my biggest dream and also my biggest fear.

I love the written word. I always have. I suck up books like a vampire drains blood... avidly and with great enthusiasm. It is as if I would die if I didn't get to take some time out of my day to read. I own thousands of books and I have read every one of them at least once and a lot of them twice or more. For me, getting lost in a story is about being entertained not only by what is written, but by what hasn't been said. The things that I think about. What happens to this person or that person AFTER the story ends?

This feels almost like waiting for a baby to be born. You know that it's coming, but you don't know how it will turn out. Being an incubator for something that could be amazing, or average or even horrible. All I know is that I am dying to give birth and since I can't have physical babies anymore, at least now I can nurture and grow the things living inside of my own head.

I just realized that I might sound a little bit crazy. But that's OK. I have visions of Hemingway and ghosts in my head. Stories of what I know writhing inside, fighting to get out, but only on my terms will they be allowed to do so. I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts jumbled in my mind. Dreams in color and visions so bright that I KNOW deep inside of me, it is my inner self screaming to be heard.

Hell yeah.

I am excited and terrified at the same time. Both reasons I haven't made even the teensiest baby step toward something I have longed for since the 12th grade when my BEYOTCH of an English Teacher put down my writing as mediocre and rambling. She made me doubt myself and I let her feed the insecurities that I had grown up with. I let other people constantly tell me that I wasn't good enough to do - fill in the blank.

No longer.

Now it is up to me to do what I want to do. And thank God I have the cast and crew supporting me all of the way. People who not only believe in me, but who are pushing me to go outside of my own comfort zone and follow my dreams. To stop talking and start doing.

5 comments:

Memphis Steve said...

Go for it!

Memphis Steve said...

Oh, and FIRST!

Avitable said...

Awesome - can't wait to see what comes out of your dark, twisted head. :)

sybil law said...

Awesome!
Do it. You totally can.

Vicki said...

I don't believe for a moment you will "totally suck" at writing. I'm looking forward to whatever comes that twisted brain.