Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Bedazzle Me Queasy

There is a tearoom that I go to a couple of times a year and it is a wonderful place to eat. If you ever find yourself in Avon, Ohio, please try it out, their food is simply amazing. The chef/owner of this Antique Salon and Tearoom has put together an amazing menu. In fact, I think we will have our next Hooters reunion there (insert comments here).

Anyway, I took Super Diva to the Tearoom for lunch this past Saturday and as usual, the meal was stupendous. We each tried the Artichoke and Spinach soup and the taste is unexplainable, but I will try. It was like eating a warm bowlful of heaven. It was the same feeling you got as a child when you came inside after a long day of building snow forts in the frozen tundra that is Cleveland in any of the months between October and May and you had that first sip of hot cocoa. It was, dear readers, fanfriggingtabulous. I am sure that there were 3,296 calories in the soup alone, but who the fuck cares. I ate all of mine and some of SD's.

There was only one fault I could find in this magnificent repast. What could possibly have tainted such a fine meal, you ask? Well, normally we go to the Tearoom in warmer months when we can sit outside on their lovely little patio, but since we just received a fucking spanking from Mother Nature this last week, that option was not available. So we were sat in one of the two small indoor dining salons. Everywhere you look in this place; there are some pretty neat antiques. They also offer a wonderfully eclectic selection of wines throughout the building. BUT there is also a wide variety of clothing and accessories and therein is where the problem lies. Being a former donner of the orange shorty shorts, I can tolerate a small amount of sparkle. But nothing I have seen in the past prepared me for the Liberace type design of the tank tops, denim jackets, belts and purses that were on display in our dining room. The sparkle, sequins, rhinestones and glitter were pervasive. I was surprised that birds weren't swooping down and pecking at this shit, there was so much of it.

Now I am aware of the fact that every person has a different sense of fashion, but this is what the Wide Lawns ladies must look like when they get all decked out. This shit was atrocious. There were denim fucking jackets hanging all over the place and they came in three colors - acid wash, black or white - or as I like to say, tacky, tackier and straight up white trash. Under each of the jackets were wife beater tank tops with things like high heels and cutesy little sayings in RHINESTONES!!! I can't explain it, but suddenly I started getting a little bit sick. It was like I was in some shrine to Dolly Parton and couldn't get out. So I did what every good eater does, I called up my superpower tunnel vision and looked only at my food.

I have to say that the horrible "fashion" surrounding me aside, the meal was excellent as usual. But, let this be a lesson to all of you out there. Just because someone sells you a twenty dollar gadget on a TV Infomercial, it does not mean that you should turn this hobby into a business. And just because your wife gives you great head (or the prospect of such), you should not let HER taste ruin your customers' appetites. The sad thing is, people actually buy this shit and it ain't cheap. I looked at a few of the items (after I donned my shades) and here is a breakdown on how much it costs to look like a cheap streetwalker:

Jacket - $295.00
Purse - $175.00
Belt - Free with purchase of purse, but on its own - $75.00
Tank Top - $45.00
Additional accessories not available at the Tearoom, but purchased separately:
4" red platform stiletto mules
Crotch eating, tight as hell Black Capri Pants
2 tons of jewelry

All of that adds up to a shitload of money and for what? I just don't get it. I am sure that some people might find some of my statements objectionable, but then again you are probably wearing the outfit I listed above.

I will leave you with something my grandmother use to tell me all of the time when we would see someone on the street dressed in gaudy clothing:

"Honey, money don't buy taste and that bitch's is all in her mouth". God I miss my grandma!!!


Kim Ayres said...

Being a guy whose wardrobe consists entirely of t-shirts, jeans and basic shirts, I'm afraid the world of women's fashions is, and always has been, a complete mystery to me. However, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to stop by and comment on my blog :)

Anonymous said...

I loved this one too.
Lets have our reunion there, it's by Costco isn't it?
I especially liked, tacky, tackier, and straight up white trash.