Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Peni-Poke-e-o Round 2

So, fuckers. Here we are for another round of "How fucking twisted can that stupid bitch be?" Starring me!!!

Onward Hoes

Page 5

When Geppetto awoke, he could not believe his eyes. "My wish has come true!" he shouted. "Pinocchio is alive!" Although Geppetto soon realized that Pinocchio was still made out of wood, it mattered little to him.

"I shall love you just the way you are," he told Pinocchio. Then he explained that Pinocchio had to go to school, like all boys. And so, that very morning, Pinnochio happily set off.

When Geppetty rolled out of bed after taking a few toots of the pixie dust he keeps around the shop, the first thing he did was wrap his chubby little woodcarver arms around the toilet and pray he didn't puke up his Cecum. As he stumbled around the room looking for some coffee, or a little smack to wake him up, he noticed that the puppet he stuck it to the night before was moving around.

"Fuck me, that dust was some good shit. I'm gonna have to get another eight for later."

Then Geppetty realized that the wooden puppet was actually alive. To his dismay, he saw that while it walked and talked like a real boy, he was still going to have to watch out for those splinters. But Geppetty didn't care, he would still love up on the tot like he was a real boy.

After ten minuted of listening to the kid's incessant whining, he had a better idea.

"I pay fucking taxes like all of these other fuckers. I'll send his wooden little ass to school with all of the other little boys and they can watch him all day."

So off to school Pinocchio trotted, never knowing what was in store for him.

Uh, is it just me, or did you all notice that in this sleepy little village, no little girls go to school? What?

Page 6

Pinocchio hadn't gone far when Gideon, a cat, and Foulfellow, a sly fox, saw him.

Foulfellow thought, "A wooden boy with no strings. I'll bet Stromboli, the puppeteer, would pay a pretty price for him."

Foulfellow convinced Pinocchio that acting was the life for him and sold Pinocchio to Stromboli.

So off Pinocchio hobbled along to school, keeping the pace slow as to accommodate all of the soreness. He only made it a short distance when he saw a mangy old pussy and some red furry thing with a top hat and cane.

"Who would want anything to do with some haggard ass Pussy?" Pinnochio wondered aloud.

Just then, the two hairy beasts gave him the bum rush. Before he knew it, Pinocchio was tied up like a Christmas turkey and tossed in the back of a black panel van.

Right before he lost consciousness, Pinocchio heard his kidnappers discussing their plan to sell him to one of Geppetty's enemies; another slaver named Stromboli. His last thought was that the guy sounded like something on the menu of a pizza parlor. Then it all faded into black.

By the way, why do these people not have real jobs? I mean a woodcarver and a puppeteer? Please. Quit sucking off the federal teat, grow some balls and forge some iron.

Page 7

That night, after Pincchio had performed to rounds of applause, Stromboli locked him in a cage.

"How am I ever going to get out of this horrible place?" said Pinocchio, sobbing.

Just then a voice called out, "Don't worry, Pinoke, I'll save you!" It was Jiminy Cricket! He had followed Pinocchio to Stromboli's caravan. Now Jiminy pulled, pushed, and shook the lock on the cage. But he couldn't get Pinocchio out.

That evening, a big hairy ape named Stromboli made Pinocchio dance naked on stage for a bunch of old men. After collecting all of the money that he earned, Stromboli called Pinocchio his little bitch, slapped him on the ass and locked him in a cage just big enough for a small boy.

Pinocchio started crying. "Better the devil you know that one you don't," he thought as his sobs got louder and louder. Stromboli the Ape came back into the room and tasered Pinocchio to shut him up.

After Pinocchio awoke, he saw that the cricket, Jiminy, was still in his shirt. Pinocchio watched with amazement as the little bugger scratched and clawed at the cage, trying to help him escape, but he just wasn't strong enough to do it.

Did you dickheads see my reference to a CHRISTMAS TURKEY? Huh, did you?

Stay tuned to see how Pinocchio gets rescued by the Blue Ball Fairy.


RWA said...

You have outdone yourself with this entire story. I can't wait for the next installment.

Avitable said...

I think you need either drawings or photos illustrating your version of Pinocchio, too.

ADW said...

RWA - cool.

Avitable - Uh, have you SEEN my drawings? A half-witted donkey could draw better than I can and they don't got no thumbs.

Avitable said...

Then dress up in little costumes and take photos of yourself!


metalmom said...

You should pay Avitable to illustrate.....not that he's a half-witted donkey or anything!....

Open Grove Claudia said...

I vote for dressing up in costume - I think Avitable is on to something!

Great job!

Anonymous said...

Hi! My name is Project 71. Weird name I know, but my masters are weird too. My masters also say that I'm a really interesting website. So why don't you consider reading what I am. Masters say it won't take you more than 22s to read. :) http://www.project71.com/readme Enjoyy!

Franki said...

Wait. Is The Anonymous the Christmas turkey reference?

Effortlessly Average said...

hey, screw the wooden boy, tell the blue ball fairy to come help this boy's wood!

marky said...

It wasn't just codeine. You got into the magic dust.

Anonymous said...

HAAHAH, he got tasered! this is too funny, you are brilliant!!

I am loving your take on story tales. Keep going ;)

George said...

That has to be Pew-litzer material or maybe No-bell worthy

Glamourpuss said...

Have you ever thought of a career in Education - story time would be so memorable for the little ones.


Mighty Dyckerson said...

What in the FUCK are you talking about?

Miss Kitty said...

You're sick, ADW, and that's why I [heart] you.

Scary Monster said...

Hi! Me name is Penile Rhinoplasty. Weird name Me knows, but my master, Ghetto PeePee be weird too. Me woody making master also say that Me be a really interesting sex toy. So why don't you consider LIEing down with me. Masters and Johnson sez it won't take you more than 22s to cream. :D

Anyone fer Mad Libs...


Real Live Lesbian said...

Yeah, you definitely need illustrations. Dirty fairy tales are so much better with pics! ; 0

Can't wait for the next installment.


BottleBlonde said...

You should be a preschool teacher.

ADW: Guess what we're reading today, kids! Snow White Gets Gang Banged by Seven Well Hung Dwarves!

ADW said...

Guys - I have the FLU!!!