Friday, November 2, 2007

Can I Unscrew My Ears?

I would like to remove my ears for a while. Not forever, but just for the next, um....... how long until the day after Thanksgiving?

I called my parents' house last night and my sister Vee was down visiting from North Carolina and she answered the phone. I mistook her question: "how are you doing?" as a reason to launch into an expletive filled diatribe over Christmas Music.

Let me explain.

Or maybe I don't need to explain.

Is it just me or is everyfuckingbody playing Christmas music now? I am the type of person who puts things in places and for me, Christmas music belongs in the very defined area of The Day After Thanksgiving until New Year's Day. Period.

We went to the pumpkin patch, a grand old ass raping by the way, to pick pumpkins last weekend and I was walking through the corn maze with Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer playing a loop through my brain. It was then that I realized that it wasn't the first time I had heard Holiday Music before the denoted Holiday Music time frame. What. The. Fuck?

So now I am much more susceptible to the prevalence of all things Christmassy. The decorations that are already out. The fact that Kohl's already has Christmas Ornaments on sale for half off. The gearing up of the local and national retailers for an all out warfare on consumers this year. And the everlasting fucking music.

But here is a little secret that I want to share with you all. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!! It took a long time for me to exclaim this fact, loudly and proudly, due to some unfortunate circumstances surrounding the Christmases of my childhood. Ones that I will share with you all in due time. But now that I am an adult with a family of my own, I find the true joy and meaning in the Holidays and the Christmas Spirit. In fact, for the last 10 years or so, I have even refrained from kicking homeless people during the aforementioned Christmas Carol/Holiday season. An outstanding feat of selflessness that should be recognized damn it!

I am a rambling mess in this post, but I hope you all can understand that it comes more from the aggravation of getting present requests this early in the year and the pressure that is building up inside of my head from ignoring the urgent desire to sing an unbridled version of "Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear" than from any of the other multitudes of demands on my life, time and sometimes blood flow.

The cool thing is that I took today off. Not because I wanted to, but because my little Peanut Butter has an ear infection and it made him throw up all over the place this morning on our way out the door. Since daycare tends to frown on parents arriving with children smelling of Amoxicillin vomit, I stayed home with him today. We laid down on the couch and watched the Fantastic Four. He is in love with Jessica Alba. I don't blame him much for that. Now he is napping, dressed up in his Spiderman Halloween customer, with a little smile on that cute face.

So, with or without the Christmas Music pressure, I am one happy, sappy lady today.

Oh and you guys get to choose my next post:

1. An explanation into the ADW version of Christmas and the nightmares surrounding it growing up half-billy style.


2. An insight into the story of Pinocchio. By me. 'Nuff said.

Feedback Please.


BottleBlonde said...

I love Christmas, too! What better excuse to sit on some fat fuck's lap and be felt up, right?!

I say you blog about your trailer park Christmases of years past. I'll probably relate.

Miriam said...

Even worse is when people start putting up X-mas decorations the day after Halloween. It's still Fall people. And you're making me all jealous b/c it's my firstyear decorating my own house and I.Cannot.Wait. And it's just not fair. But I won't do anything Christmasy until November 23.

I choose option one please :)

wafelenbak said...

I vote for number one as well because...
Well, who doesn't enjoy a good dysfunctional story to reassure themselves that their life really is not that abnormal??

Miss Britt said...

"Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear"

OMG, this was my step dad's FAVORITE Christmas song. *sad*

Franki said...

I was in Costco listening to Christmas bells decorations well before Halloween. Nuthin like wandering around in a tank top and flip flips and humming Silver Bells. Rubbish.

I choose the one about Pinnochio, cuz I don't know what it means.

Anonymous said...

hahah, I loved the metaphor about the antibiotic vomit smell. Brilliant!

Oh please let me know your deep thoughts on the story of Pinocchio, I was only reading the story to my boys the other night and I would like to explore the link between pedophilia and turning small boys into donkeys.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

That sick little bastard better LAY OFF! Jessica Alba is MINE!!!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I vote for number 2. I hope that doesn't fetch a post about defecation.

I love me some Christmas.

I have 110 Xmas mp3s. I FORCE myself not to listen to them until THE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING. Even though I love them, I wait.

I understand your frustration.

George said...

One dude down my street had the Christmas lights turned on the night of halloween. The lazy arse never takes them down.

I am so with you on there is a time and place for Xmas tunes ... and it isn't now.

Don't we get secret ballots or something? A vote this important should have voting secrecy ... but for the public to know ... #2

Memphis Steve said...

OK, I love Christmas, even though I have no kids. And I love Jessica Alba. And I want to know about your Christmases past.

ADW said...

Blondie - I bet you will.

Mim - I like option one as well.

Wafelenbak - I agree.

Britt - Sorry )=

Franki - I just don't use the word rubish enough. I am adding it to my mental thesaurus right now.

Betty - we are so on the same wavelength.

Dyck - I don't know, he was spidey for halloween and he slung a web in some dude's face (silly string). I think he can take you.

Bug - Duly noted

George - I am hereby appointing myself the keeper of all things Christmas related and will torch a fucker's house for not taking down their lights.

Steve - It may put your "lovely" neighborhood to shame (=

Mr. Fabulous said...

I want...nay, I NEED to hear about Pinochio.

Open Grove Claudia said...

I don't know. Do they make Alternative Metal Christmas music that's less than 4 minutes long?

I think I'm fairly safe.... ;)

Avitable said...

Write both. What are you, fucking lazy or something?

fatwonkkid said...

i recall reading about walmart having some black Friday sales before thanks giving.

it is a bit obnoxious to have Halloween and Christmas decorations up at the same time. but then again that gets you think about Christmas early, ans thus shopping early, and if you shop early, you will spend more money. if you spend more money that is what makes Christmas so special :)

abstractjenn said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one that this makes crazy. I'm with you ADW Christmas stuff belongs very much in the period of the day after Thanksgiving but I think it stops at midnight the 25th. I don't want to hear anything, see anything or watch anything Christmas before or after that time. 1/2 off stuff at Kohl's You have got to be shitting me.

Oh the only exception is The Christmas Tree Shop. If you go in there you have to expect Christmas stuff - duh.

I vote for #1 - I just love dysfunctional Christmas family stories.

RWA said...

"Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear"

Now that's hilarious!!!! It's even better than bottleblonde liking Christmas for an "excuse to sit on some fat fuck's lap and be felt up..."

I vote for Pinocchio too.

Paulette Foley said...

I'm with you...hold the music until the DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING!

My vote is for the Christmas stories of the past. I could add a few of my own.

metalmom said...

I'd like to hear about Pinocchio. Although I'd also like to hear your Christmas stories save them for CLOSER TO CHRISTMAS!!!

*wtf was that girl thinkin'?*

david santos said...

My friend, Please!

Send an email to the Brazil embassj your country and repor the injustice that the brazilian courts are making with this girl
Release on Flavia’s accident and status of the process.

The resignation is to stop the evolution. (David Santos in times without end)

Thank you

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jeez, both those topics sound good. I'm okay either way, but I guess I'll go with the first one, so I can find out just how much of a billie you are.

I've never dreaded a Christmas more than this one. Fuck Christmas and it's shitty, sappy music.

The only people who like Christmas are people satisfied with their love lifes. Me and Morrissey just brood for all of December and the better part of January.

Dan O. said...

I couldn't believe when my wife went to Sam's Club last week and told me they had Xmas shit out already.

When she told me, I said "WTF? (the words,not the letters), it's not even Halloween yet?" Unfuckingbelievable!

Sounds like you'd like to tell your story of Christmas' Past, but I'm intrigued by the Pinocchio analysis. (Sometimes a nose, is just a nose- S. Freud)

So, I agree with Metalmom; do Pinocchio (so to speak) first and save the xmas stories for xmas time.

Oh, and somebody track down that annoying Santos fuck and Scarface him!

GeorgeH said...

If Christmas music starts at noon on Christmas Eve, there is still plenty of time to hear all of it that's worth hearing.

Young, Horny, and a Teacher said...


MsPuddin said...

The holidays are going to be an interesting blogging season, considering it is my first.

I hear you on the xmas music. At least the holidays are also an excuse to drink and you can buy lots of crap for almost free…

VE said...

I like singing Christmas songs in June just to piss everyone off. Besides, I think Halloween and Thansgiving were bought out by Christmas in a corporate merger...

ADW said...

Fab - Need is a pretty strong word. You need oxygen, not Pinocchio.

Claudia -No, I think you're good.

Avi - There's the pot calling the kettle black.

Fatwonkkid - I forgot the whole, the moreyou buy me, the more you love me rule. Thank you for bringing it to my attention again.

Jenn - I have to say that right now, I hope the Christmas Tree Shop burns down.

RWA - you know she's just a freak right?

Paulette - Please tell.

MetalMom - I will take it under advisement

David Santos - I hope you get Cock Burrs and then have to pee and the burrs lodge into your man fluid canal and cause you to spontaneously combust.

Dr. K - e-mail me your address, I'll send you a little something to raise your spirits

Dan O. - I do not need to scarface him when I already wished cock burrs upon him.

GeorgeH - I like it for the season, but to each their own.

Young, horny and a teacher - I like your moniker.

MsPuddin - as long as that nearly free crap is shoes, I'm good to go.

Vehow - A ha ha ha. Merger. Ha ha.

Avitable said...

Hey, I'm writing a novel, working, and blogging, while masturbating with increasing frequency. I'm not lazy!

Glamourpuss said...

I'd vote for Christmas, but I missed the boat.


Tug said...

I got here too late to vote dammit. I wanna hear the Christmas stories.

I love Christmas, but like you - not ALL THE TIME. asshats