Sunday, November 25, 2007

The Post With A Ton Of Shit In It


See, to me, holidays are meant to be spent with your family. Not your in-laws.

I had not one but TWO turkey dinners to eat on Thursday because my mother-in-law refused to go to my sister-in-law's house for THEIR dinner because her family would be there and since her mother just died about six months ago MY mother-in-law felt uncomfortable being around the SIL's dad during his first holiday without his wife. (See how everything gets turned back around to what the MIL wants, feels, needs, desires?) So since WE committed to going to the first Thanksgiving, the MIL and FIL pulled the: "Well I guess we'll go OUT to eat for Thanksgiving this year since no one is coming to our house" card and started WWIII. So we ate at two and then had to pack up and drive 30 minutes for a second dinner that no one really wanted to eat.

I was disgusted. Seriously disgusted.

Oh and I forgot to mention the lovely seizure that I had at my SIL's house. Freaked my husband's brother out but fucking good. No I don't need anything. No don't call the ambulance. My husband has it all under control. Leave me alone.

Then my sister-in-law in all of her snarky glory says:

"You ain't getting out of going to the second dinner with this one sister!"

She cracks me up. Plus we have the added bonus of both being hated by my mother-in-law, so it helps us bond. Since I had the seizure AND I was planning my BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING EXCURSION extraordinaire, I couldn't drink. I think my SIL did enough of that for both of us.


The BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING EXCURSION did not go as smoothly as it has in the years past. In fact, it was almost unbearable. I woke up late and started crying - seizures make me a little over emotional. I blamed my husband for me waking up late..... and he was supposed to help me wake up. It wouldn't have been so bad, but he rolled his eyes at me. That alone is reason enough for me to beat someone's ass. So I told him that he could do all of the Christmas shopping this year since I do it ALL BY MYSELF every fucking year and I buy all of the presents for HIS family who FUCKING HATE ME ANYWAY!

Somehow I managed to crawl out of bed and make it to Kohl's, but my shopping plan was shot to hell. As I maneuvered around, looking for a parking spot, I just started crying. I missed my family. I didn't have anyone to share the holy day of shopping with me. I know that most of you stay FAR AWAY from the stores on Black Friday, but I love the chaos, confusion and fun that you can have on that day. Last year my baby sister came up from Maryland for the holiday weekend and we had so much fun. I found a pair of Bubba Teeth at the WalMart, opened the package, put them on, and smiled at unsuspecting strangers all day long. It was a great way to break the ice and joke around with people while waiting in lines. And the year before, my girlfriend and I went together and then had a long lunch, replete with frozen cocktails afterwards.

I guess what I am saying is that I didn't have anyone to share that with this year. I spent the night before outlining my store shopping schedule, circling the items that I wanted to find and purchase, totally exited at the prospect. But when I pulled into the first store's parking lot, I was already four hours behind schedule. How was I supposed to save A THOUSAND DOLLARS, like I did last year? We have a huge extended family and by shopping on Black Friday, I manage to save a ton of money every year. Plus I enjoy myself and the melee that I throw myself into. So there I was, pulling into a space approximately fourteen miles from the store's entrance, with tears in my eyes and a broken heart. I was missing my sisters and my parents. My husband's family doesn't name their turkey every year like we do and I was missing that. I didn't get to drink wine with all of the women in my family while we went about preparing our feast and here I was alone and sad.

What did I do?

I squared my shoulders and marched off into the mess. I hit Kohl's and Toys R Us, Walmart and Macy's, JC Penneys and every other store in between. Except for SEARS, but you all know why I hate those mother fuckers. After standing in line at Kohls for close to an hour, I called my husband up on the cell and asked him to please send in a SCUD missile strike to our location to put me out of my misery. I listened to the two crackerjack dimwits in front of me, who were probably friends for 38 years, end each and every sentence with either "REEEEEEAAAAALLLLYYYYY" or "Oh My Gawwwwwdddddd". I was pushed and bumped, tussled and bruised, mostly by angry old men. I came to the realization that the only men out by themselves on Black Friday morning are either over 60 or gay. Period. I realized that just because every other dickweed dillhole loses all semblance of manners on that day that I didn't have to do so. I remained pleasant and gracious and remembered that those folks ringing up my purchases had to get up at two in the morning to go to work that day and deal with the aforementioned fuckwads and I was very polite to them, thanking them and wishing them a Merry Christmas. I shopped until my feet went numb and then I shopped some more. I did not eat or drink anything lest it affect my digestive or urinary systems while standing in line. I did save up some gas so I could CROP DUST anyone who was acting like an asshole to others. I got it done. But it wasn't the same.

Still, I did get some good bargains and my husband met me for lunch later that day and we took the little one to see Santa Claus. There were zero people in the line, so we walked right up to him and my little Peanut Butter chattered on and on about what he wanted for Christmas, looking so serious as he told that jolly old fellow about his dreams of getting an Optimus Prime Transformer (one of the items I lost out on due to my lateness) and his desire for a Power Rangers cell phone that will transform him into the Red Power Ranger at the push of a button.


Later that evening, we attended the benefit for our friend Dakota and the Cure Tay-Sachs Foundation. The outpouring of support from the entire Cleveland area was nothing short of amazing. I truly admire the Bihn family for standing up and doing something to bring awareness to a disease that kills so many children yet only receives 85,000 dollars a year in research funding. Most people think that Tay-Sachs only affects Ashkenazi Jews, but in reality 1 in 50 Irish Americans carry the same gene. The hardest part of the evening was listening to Ken tell their story with Dakota in her mother's arms knowing that our little friend is dying. But the evening was a huge success. The silent auction raised a huge amount of money and I won an Ohio State Gift basket. Yay!!! We danced with our friends and drank cans of beer - yuck, but it was all donated and the proceeds went to the foundation and my only other option was a boxed wine White Zinfandel and that was ten times worse than Miller Lite in a can. Even my scrooge of a husband was more than happy to spend money buying raffle tickets for the cause.

This morning I woke up with a huge headache, a little happy and still a little sad. I can't tell you all how much I am looking forward to Christmas and my family's visit.

More on that later....



Kitty said...

I'm sorry for your seizure and you feeling lonely and missing your family babes. Naming the turkey is awesome. x

Anonymous said...

I know all about the missing family thing meanwhile having to be there for every festive event with your husband's family.
It is terribly hard. I hope you see your family at Christmas time.

I hope you are ok now?

Amanda said...

Aw I'm sorry your shopping day was bad. Hopefully you'll get to see your family soon?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Damn, sounds like you're PMSing pretty bad right now. I'll send you a box of rags.

Alexandr said...


I'm Alex, a leading editor of and I've found your site in google search and it seems interesting to me. That's why I would like to offer you a useful for both sides Link Exchange. I'll place your link on and you'll place my link to with text 'Exclusive Vibrators' on your site. Are you interested? Is it ok for you? Please, let me know.

Thanks for time.
Regards, Alex

GeorgeH said...

As you get older, you will learn that life is too short to spend any time shopping for or visiting with anyone you don't like, regardless of accident of birth.

Avitable said...

You're epileptic?

I don't think I've ever heard you be this sentimental. It's cute and kind of frightening!

Miriam said...

I had to spend Thanksgiving with a MIL who hates me. It was awesome. And then she decided she just had to see her son again later that weekend and made him miss church. Boo evil Mil!

metalmom said...

Did you hear about the guy who thought he was great in bed because his girl was twitching and thrashing all over the bed during sex? Yep, she was having a seizure!

I was one of the bitches in front of you! REAAAAALLLY!

bbs said...

Aww..MA. I am so so sorry that you had to go shopping ALONE. I thought for sure Tracy was going with you. I really didn't do shit on Friday, and I would have gotten up to go with ya, had I known you were going to be by yourself!
Sorry about the seizure thing too..That sucks..I remember the one at HOOTERS.
MR.ADW's mom is out of control..She always has been, always will be. I know, I have met her.
Call me ASAP, because I have called you a couple times and haven't heard from ya..Do you want to go to a knockoff purse party on Friday at 7? Just wondering..Maybe we could get some drinks afterward..
Let me know.
love BBS

random moments said...

You are far more of a woman than I'll ever be! I would pay serious moola to not have to get out on Black Friday, worse than that - alone and heart broken.

Hope all is better now. And if its not, maybe you should visit Alexandr's love shop above? *snicker*

Slick said...

Geeez, you're a lot braver than I am.

If I'm off work, I don't even get in my car on Black Friday!

Sorry about the Thanksgiving fiasco....seems like families put us through shit every year.

Slick said...

Geeez, you're a lot braver than I am.

If I'm off work, I don't even get in my car on Black Friday!

Sorry about the Thanksgiving fiasco....seems like families put us through shit every year.

Slick said...

See how special you get 2 comments from me.

Ok, 3 now.

I don't know what the fuck happened.

Miss Britt said...

So, um, this "so I had a seizure" thing is no big deal??

wafelenbak said...

I'm sorry too that you had a less-than-awesome Thanksgiving.
But I have to tell you--it is so nice to read about someone who enjoys being with their family for the holidays. I read all about people doing everything but going home this past week, and it killed me. Sure, my family and I have our quarrels (oh boy, do we ever!!) but I cannot imagine spending a holiday anywhere else. So in a weird backward way, your post kind of made me feel happy. :)

Franki said...

Those Bubba teeth were out a local bar on Saturday. I hope they were fake ones too.

Hope you're feeling better!

Open Grove Claudia said...

Fucking Irish Genes... God damn. Can't eat carbs and now there's a chance of Tay Sachs. I'm gonna trade in my genes. Do you think they'll take them at Kohl's?

I am sorry about the seizures. I wish that would go away. You are in my thoughts.

Tug said...

I hope you're feeling better... Next year you could have a 'name the Turkey' contest on your blog, we'll all join in. And I'll get your cell #...between my daughter & I, you WILL be.there. with us...or at least be laughing. seriously.


RWA said...

Sorry about the two Thanksgiving meals, and I would imagine Black Friday would be much more fun with a partner or two.

Mr. Fabulous said...

I know that lonely feeling. I don't know about it when I'm shopping, but still...

The Charming Hedonist said...

Oh my god. You went to Toys-R-Us on Black Friday?! That place is the seventh circle of hell on normal days and you threw yourself strainght into the fire. You have my admiration.

VE said...

Holidays with family are why cloning should be allowed. I'll simply send my clones to those events while I find a nice tropical beach and a fruity rum drink...

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Hold on. How can your mother-in-law not love you?

Doesn't she read your blog?

Great Black Friday tales, ADW. Nice work.

Amy said...

Why do people decide to be so petty at the holidays? That is just ridiculous.

Sorry you are so bummed. I really am.

5 of 9er said...

Wow... you were right, there was a lot in that post. Well done!

Memphis Steve said...

Well, I'm sorry that you are lonely and unhappy while shopping. I know quite a bit about that, the lonely and unhappy part, not the shopping part. And I'm sorry about the seizure. But I'm impressed that you had the resolve to git-r-dun despite your outpouring of emotions. You are a trooper and a truly amazing woman.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

adw...One in fifty American Irish? I didn't know that. How very sad...for the little girl.

Fab post babes...sorry you had a seisure. I love to get out there on the busiest days. I love the crowds.