The Post With A Ton Of Shit In It

Holidays.......

See, to me, holidays are meant to be spent with your family. Not your in-laws.

I had not one but TWO turkey dinners to eat on Thursday because my mother-in-law refused to go to my sister-in-law's house for THEIR dinner because her family would be there and since her mother just died about six months ago MY mother-in-law felt uncomfortable being around the SIL's dad during his first holiday without his wife. (See how everything gets turned back around to what the MIL wants, feels, needs, desires?) So since WE committed to going to the first Thanksgiving, the MIL and FIL pulled the: "Well I guess we'll go OUT to eat for Thanksgiving this year since no one is coming to our house" card and started WWIII. So we ate at two and then had to pack up and drive 30 minutes for a second dinner that no one really wanted to eat.

I was disgusted. Seriously disgusted.

Oh and I forgot to mention the lovely seizure that I had at my SIL's house. Freaked my husband's brother out but fucking good. No I don't need anything. No don't call the ambulance. My husband has it all under control. Leave me alone.

Then my sister-in-law in all of her snarky glory says:

"You ain't getting out of going to the second dinner with this one sister!"

She cracks me up. Plus we have the added bonus of both being hated by my mother-in-law, so it helps us bond. Since I had the seizure AND I was planning my BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING EXCURSION extraordinaire, I couldn't drink. I think my SIL did enough of that for both of us.

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The BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING EXCURSION did not go as smoothly as it has in the years past. In fact, it was almost unbearable. I woke up late and started crying - seizures make me a little over emotional. I blamed my husband for me waking up late..... and he was supposed to help me wake up. It wouldn't have been so bad, but he rolled his eyes at me. That alone is reason enough for me to beat someone's ass. So I told him that he could do all of the Christmas shopping this year since I do it ALL BY MYSELF every fucking year and I buy all of the presents for HIS family who FUCKING HATE ME ANYWAY!

Somehow I managed to crawl out of bed and make it to Kohl's, but my shopping plan was shot to hell. As I maneuvered around, looking for a parking spot, I just started crying. I missed my family. I didn't have anyone to share the holy day of shopping with me. I know that most of you stay FAR AWAY from the stores on Black Friday, but I love the chaos, confusion and fun that you can have on that day. Last year my baby sister came up from Maryland for the holiday weekend and we had so much fun. I found a pair of Bubba Teeth at the WalMart, opened the package, put them on, and smiled at unsuspecting strangers all day long. It was a great way to break the ice and joke around with people while waiting in lines. And the year before, my girlfriend and I went together and then had a long lunch, replete with frozen cocktails afterwards.

I guess what I am saying is that I didn't have anyone to share that with this year. I spent the night before outlining my store shopping schedule, circling the items that I wanted to find and purchase, totally exited at the prospect. But when I pulled into the first store's parking lot, I was already four hours behind schedule. How was I supposed to save A THOUSAND DOLLARS, like I did last year? We have a huge extended family and by shopping on Black Friday, I manage to save a ton of money every year. Plus I enjoy myself and the melee that I throw myself into. So there I was, pulling into a space approximately fourteen miles from the store's entrance, with tears in my eyes and a broken heart. I was missing my sisters and my parents. My husband's family doesn't name their turkey every year like we do and I was missing that. I didn't get to drink wine with all of the women in my family while we went about preparing our feast and here I was alone and sad.

What did I do?

I squared my shoulders and marched off into the mess. I hit Kohl's and Toys R Us, Walmart and Macy's, JC Penneys and every other store in between. Except for SEARS, but you all know why I hate those mother fuckers. After standing in line at Kohls for close to an hour, I called my husband up on the cell and asked him to please send in a SCUD missile strike to our location to put me out of my misery. I listened to the two crackerjack dimwits in front of me, who were probably friends for 38 years, end each and every sentence with either "REEEEEEAAAAALLLLYYYYY" or "Oh My Gawwwwwdddddd". I was pushed and bumped, tussled and bruised, mostly by angry old men. I came to the realization that the only men out by themselves on Black Friday morning are either over 60 or gay. Period. I realized that just because every other dickweed dillhole loses all semblance of manners on that day that I didn't have to do so. I remained pleasant and gracious and remembered that those folks ringing up my purchases had to get up at two in the morning to go to work that day and deal with the aforementioned fuckwads and I was very polite to them, thanking them and wishing them a Merry Christmas. I shopped until my feet went numb and then I shopped some more. I did not eat or drink anything lest it affect my digestive or urinary systems while standing in line. I did save up some gas so I could CROP DUST anyone who was acting like an asshole to others. I got it done. But it wasn't the same.

Still, I did get some good bargains and my husband met me for lunch later that day and we took the little one to see Santa Claus. There were zero people in the line, so we walked right up to him and my little Peanut Butter chattered on and on about what he wanted for Christmas, looking so serious as he told that jolly old fellow about his dreams of getting an Optimus Prime Transformer (one of the items I lost out on due to my lateness) and his desire for a Power Rangers cell phone that will transform him into the Red Power Ranger at the push of a button.

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Later that evening, we attended the benefit for our friend Dakota and the Cure Tay-Sachs Foundation. The outpouring of support from the entire Cleveland area was nothing short of amazing. I truly admire the Bihn family for standing up and doing something to bring awareness to a disease that kills so many children yet only receives 85,000 dollars a year in research funding. Most people think that Tay-Sachs only affects Ashkenazi Jews, but in reality 1 in 50 Irish Americans carry the same gene. The hardest part of the evening was listening to Ken tell their story with Dakota in her mother's arms knowing that our little friend is dying. But the evening was a huge success. The silent auction raised a huge amount of money and I won an Ohio State Gift basket. Yay!!! We danced with our friends and drank cans of beer - yuck, but it was all donated and the proceeds went to the foundation and my only other option was a boxed wine White Zinfandel and that was ten times worse than Miller Lite in a can. Even my scrooge of a husband was more than happy to spend money buying raffle tickets for the cause.

This morning I woke up with a huge headache, a little happy and still a little sad. I can't tell you all how much I am looking forward to Christmas and my family's visit.

More on that later....

Love,
ADW