Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Today's Post is Brought to You by the Number 100

That's right fuckeroonies, this is my 100th post. I almost wish that I had something profound and insightful to say, like they do on TV. The 100th episode of any television show is cause for celebration with a big ass cake and a bunch of candles. Someone loses their virginity, does drugs, gets drunk from their parents' liquor cabinet, gets knocked up, et cetera, ad nauseum. But here in hoo-ha land, we're gonna keep it simple. There *gasp* may be some swearing in this post, so tuck the kiddies off to sleep.

I spent the most of Sunday and all of Monday and Tuesday in bed with a raging case of the clap, er I mean bronchitis. My musings/ponderings from my forced bed rest lead me to believe that the nastiest taste in the world, aside from fecal ice cream, is bronchial induced phlegm. I can't even explain the taste, because it is a vintage all its own, but it is quite bitter with hints of bile and just a note or two of garlic. I also realized that if you cough twenty times in less than a minute and open your mouth realllllyyyyy wide, that you can catch a glimpse of your lung. You can only see one at a time though, so that is kind of shitty. I've seen more watching my own Upper GI, but still, after watching the Real Housewives of Orange County for 20 hours straight, a gal needs something to look forward to before pure boredom sets in.

I went back to work today to find out that one of my customers passed away the day before Thanksgiving. It came as a huge shock because he was still very young (early middle age) and he had a massive heart attack that killed him. I am so sad for his family and his wife. They were still newlyweds and my heart breaks for her and the rest of his family.

I also got to deal with what may be the stupidest person in the world today. Sometimes, I struggle not to laugh when dealing with this creature because if I start, I may not be able to stop until I keel over, or I give in to my fantasy of taking a chair leg, or some other handy device, and braining the freak with it. How someone, who may be illiterate, acquired the rank and title that this borderline brain dead IQ haver received is beyond me. I get sick to my stomach every time I have to deal with this person and by the time it is over, I just want to crawl into the fetal position and suck my thumb. Instead, I rely on a steady supply of sarcasm and the knowledge of my greater intelligence to get me through. However, one of these days, my internal monologue is going to go on the fritz and I will just start blurting out what runs through my head every time we meet. Namely things like: "how do you stand upright?" and "Is your ass starting to eat the rest of your body?" and "Is it possible for you to have more than one application open in your brain at any given time, no, didn't think so." When that day comes, YOU WILL ALL HEAR ABOUT IT. Probably along with the notice that I was fired from my job, but we can't win 'em all.

Thank you all so much for your sweet words and encouragement from the last post. As I mentioned before, I was sick for the last three days, but I did read all of your comments. And to clear one issue up, I am not epileptic, but I do have seizures. For the last seven years, I have suffered from seizures that started from a severe concussion. They are like epileptic seizures in some ways and are different in others. The first time I had an episode, I actually lost the ability to speak and I had to teach myself how to speak normally again. I stuttered horribly and I would have sometimes more than a dozen seizures in a day, which would reverse my progress. The first two weeks were the worst. Slowly but surely, I started having less and less seizures as time moved on. I went from multiple times a day to once or twice a day to once or twice a month over a period of 6 to 8 months. Finally, they subsided almost completely. Now I normally only have a seizure if I am at an extreme point of exhaustion, sick or very upset. I do know when I am getting ready to have a seizure because I get what is called an "aura" which is a pre-seizure indicator, so I can prepare myself. Sometimes, I can even fight them off, but not always. It's something that you learn to live with, and it could have been a lot worse than it actually ended up being, so there.

Being my 100th post, we will celebrate in true ADW style with another foreign language swearing lesson. This time, we are going to learn how to swear in Mongolian. Those Genghis Khan freaks with the high foreheads never come visit me, even though I am 1/1689th Mongolian. Dickheads.

Chatsag - Diarrhea

Nusaa chirsen pizda - Snot Dragging Cunt - WTF?

Umbuu - This is the word cow when used as an insult

Muu altsaasan yanhan - This means "dirty spread-legged whore" as opposed to closed legged whore

Iruugai avaj nuruugai maijmar, ilgai avaj bogsoo archmar - THIS ONE IS MY FAVORITE -

Take your jaws and scratch your back, and take your liver and wipe your ass

I know that I am way behind on my Pinocchio story, but I have been sick, so shut up!!!

Plus, there is a very important day coming up, one you will all be celebrating. I need to think up a suitable post or six to devote to my very favorite day of the year.

Now to leave you with my favorite saying that I used to sign Hooters T-Shirts with:

"Let me sit on your face, so you can eat your way to my heart."



fatwonkkid said...

nothing feels better than to hock up that big ball of brown-green-gray-yellow phlegm from the pit of your lung.

BottleBlonde said...

CONGRATULATIONS on your 100th post, sweetie pie! *tongue kiss*

The Real Wives of Orange County is one my faves! I strive to marry rich, give birth to some ungrateful Paris Hilton clones, inject my face with enough botox to smooth out Rosie O'Donnell's ass, and live crappily ever after in my 10,000 sq. ft. mansion. It's the American dream, baby.

ADW said...

fatwonkkid - MMM, MMM, good.

Blondie - You and me both. And as for that tongue kiss, I think we should set the date for Avi's halloween party next year (=

abstractjenn said...

Fecal ice creamm yummmmy - you aren't kidding about it having a taste all it's own but as fatwonkkid said there is nothing that feels better than to hock up a massive ball of that shit and spit it out.

100 post - congratulations. I look forward to many more lessons on how to swear in other languages and shit just how to swear better in english.

Do you mind if I swipe that signature I'm going to sign all my christmas cards that way.

Big kisses

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Only 100 lousy posts??! Amateur!!

George said...

I know how you are feeling ... I have been coughing like a 500 year old chain smoker for the past couple of weeks. It was diagnosed as bronchitis last week but I went to work regardless except for today (stayed home) because I was hoping all the jerks I work for/with would get it worse than I. The phlegm makes me want to puke.

100 is a great milestone and in the next 100 you should be able to finish off Pinnochio.

Make me an offer of eating my way to your heart and I'll have to take you up on it

The Charming Hedonist said...

Nusaa chirsen pizda

It's my new favorite phrase.

Happy 100th!

VE said...

Well if you hadn't added that 25th fuck word to some of those posts, you'd probably be at like 270 posts...

Tug said...

I had to go through seizure training in order to take Brady around the hospital - SO glad you're getting better with them & know how to deal...not kick the endings of the bronchitis in the ASS!

I like your signature saying better than the swear words because I can pronounce it. ;-)

HAPPY 100!!

Tug said...

Or I could have meant NOW kick bronchitis in the ass.

damned typos.

Miriam said...

I've been worried about you. And kind of sad. I miss my ADW sometimes you know?

Yay for the 100th post, that's exciting.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Yowza. Your 100th was a humdinger!

I'm sorry you're sick, but you sound like you've found a way to enjoy the extra mucus and sputum. Way to make lemonade out of lemons.

A chronic seizure disorder from head trauma? I didn't know that was possible. Interesting. Let me know when you recover your cognitive skills.

I kid, I kid. That was a cheap shot.

Congrats on 100, ADW.

Avitable said...

You've only had 100 posts? I could swear that I've been reading you for longer than that. Well, you've made your first 100 seem very substantial, then. Well done. Now, how about that face sitting?

ADW said...

Jenn - have at it

Dyck - at what??? Not anything that counts.

George - thanks.

Hedonist - I love teaching humanity.

VE - I know. But fuck.

Tug - I knwe whta yu meaned

Mim - thanks for the love (=

Bug - I am a medical wonder. WHo knows what the deal was with it, but it's not new. In fact athletes (football players especially) get this. As for the chronic part, I am not sure, but hopefully they will go away soon.

Avi -
1. Thanks
2. Anytime

metalmom said...

Congratulations on your 100th post.

Now I have to learn how to pronounce those swears!

RWA said...

"Let me sit on your face, so you can eat your way to my heart."

I bet all of the drunk, overweight old guys LOVED it when you wrote that on their shirts, huh?

That's pretty creative.

honkeie2 said...

I love those lung cookies! The ones you get after the illness is over types lol.
I have eaten my way to several womens hearts....I sure love me some pie...hmmmm pie!

zen wizard said...

The 100th episode of a TV show usually has Fonzie ski-jumping over a shark, Phoebe getting pregnant with her brother's triplets, or some couple with a lot of sexual tension finally doing it.

For real life, I would only even remotely consider the last option.

Memphis Steve said...

Oh my God, I want one of those shirts! Better still would be to actually try to do it, but I'll take whatever I can get.

That sucks about the bad concussion. You could almost play quarterback in the NFL with that condition. It seems like all my favorite teams end up with quarterbacks with severe concussion problems sooner or later. How would you feel about playing for the Kansas City Chiefs? How about the Cowboys? I think you'd look better in the Chief's red uniform, personally.

Glad you're back. If you think an upper GI is unpleasant, try a lower one. Oooh, that's an experience you won't soon forget.

Memphis Steve said...

Oh, and congrats on the 100th post! You are a blog superstar already.

Slick said... the saying.

Hate what you went through with all them damn seizures and stuff. Wow, the things one can overcome. Well, to an extent anyway.

Congrats on your 100th post ADW!!

Glamourpuss said...

Glad you're feeling better. Although I think you dropped your germs on my blog - I'm hacking like a sixty-a-day syphillitic whore.

Happy 100. Celebrate with an award.


Dan said...

I can't even explain the taste, because it is a vintage all its own, but it is quite bitter with hints of bile and just a note or two of garlic.

You just saved me grocery money for two weeks.

Scary Monster said...

The Vixen suffers from seizures too. After a good romp of Monster slammin Me always wipes me trouser trout onna curtains and she just flakes out.

Congrats on the first hundred and may there be many, many more fuckfests itn the days to cum.


Franki said...

Wow girl..that musta been one helluva concussion. Feel better dammit.

Open Grove Claudia said...

Happy 100 post! Hurray!!

I also love the Real Wives of Orange County only because that's what I was supposed to be and what my sisters are.

I am sorry you are sick. And the seizures suck. You've really had a tough time. I hope things get better.

Rick said...

Congratulations. In January I will celebrate one year - I've learned so much since then.

Kim Ayres said...

Congratulations on the 100th post, but remind me to NEVER click on any of your links again. Curiosity made the cat throw up...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Those mongolians really know how to swear. I never want to get cussed out by one of those guys, so I best not cut off any mongloids on the highway.

Anonymous said...

"let me sit on your face so I can eat my way to your heart"

I am SO totally using this line again when I am next drunk on vodka and not remembering my morals.

I love that line!

I hope you feel better soon xx

Diesel said...

Ok, so first of all you can't be 1/1689th Mongolian because that's an odd number. Otherwise I would have totally bought it, because you do have Mongoloid features.

Also, I have a longstanding policy of not clicking on links labeled "fecal ice cream," but after refusing to click on it and then proceeding to read about your garlic-flavored phlegm, I am rethinking that policy.

Crazy Lady in Vegas said...

In honnor of your 100th post, I am going to break into someones liquor cabinet, get drunk and get knocked up tonight.

Divalicious said...

Awww... 100. Congrats and kudos. I'm working my way back through history.

I forgot to celebrate mine... fuck!
I'll do it tomorrow.. maybe.